Think i'm making a mistake or is it just stress?

hi, 

my wedding is only a few months away and instead of feeling excited about it i feel pretty low and wondering if it's the right thing to do. since getting engaged (which i was really happy at the time) i keep picking fights with the h2b and getting easily irritated and not bothered about any of the arrangements. The dress i ordered is 3 weeks late and i cant find the motivation to chase it up. dont care about a lot of stuff. Since getting engaged my male best friend told me basically i should give up everything for him and marry him. starting to think perhaps he is right. all of this is making me question everything. Is the desire to run away from the wedding pre wedding jitters or something a bit more to it? Any opinions welcome, tia

 

Posts

  • I've been told getting cold feet is normal, it's a big undertaking. However, it sounds like there's more to your best friend's suggestion (did something happen? When did you first see your best friend as an option?). It sounds like you need some space to figure out for yourself how much is normal jitters, and how much is an actual issue. Better to work this out now, when there's still time. Do you have a close friend you can confide in, who might also be able to gage how well your relationship works.

  • It sounds like you are pulling away from your fiancé but don't fully understand why yourself. I get cold feet over every big decision, but what you're describing as seeing your best friend as an option goes beyond cold feet or a fear of commitment. I say invest in yourself,.get yourself to relate and talk everything through with.someone trained to understand before making any big decisions, that includes going ahead with the wedding. Counselling could help you a lot. How is your fiancé reacting to you picking fights? Does he know about the friend?

  • Thanks for the above. I didnt know about relate but will give them a try. I was looking for something like that when i came across this forum. Dont have anyone i trust enough not to judge me or who is friends with h2b.

    my best friend is more or less making me choose (reading between lines) and he has always been there for me unconditionally. I dont feel i can lose him after he has looked after me, especially when h2b hasnt quite so much. I guess im worried about losing the support he gave me instead of the h2b. Plus we are best friends, same interests etc.

    h2b says he thinks i keep on because i like the sound of my own voice. 

    thanks both, much appreciated

  • Sam60Sam60 Posts: 249

    Oh, I really feel for you - I agree you should seek some indeoendant counselling, they have a special knack of making you think through things and coming up with the right solution for you.

    Make the call today, if you are going to cancel or postpone the wedding you need to do it sooner rather than later.

    Good luck, let us know how it goes xx

  • I've been to relate and found them very helpful. I also had some independent counselling through a charity called retail trust. Dependant on what you do for a living there are charities that can help with the costs as it can be expensive but it is an investment in yourself so well worth it.

    Ignore me if I am over stepping the mark, but maybe your best friend had an agenda all these years he was there for you? If he's carried a secret flame, which isn't a secret anymore!, then has he really been there for you as a friend or so he can put you in a situation like now? There must be a reason you have never got together before, same as there must be reasons you agreed to marry your fiancé. Making you choose isn't a very nice things to do. Sorry if that is rude, but I've dealt with friends with agendas before and it does leave a source taste in your mouth. All I know is I want my friends to be happy and I.support them, I don't issue ultimatums and try and come between their relationships.

    Hope you get it resolved xx

  • Well he isn't really your "best friend" is he? If he was, he would happily slip into the background and let you get on with your life without interference. I agree with the PP who said he has had an agenda all along.

    Did you start feeling like this before your friend said anything to you or was it after? If your friend expressed his feelings before you started feeling how you do, I would be inclined to suggest that this has just planted a seed that needs to be let go (along with the friend), if your friend has expressed his feelings after you have felt like this, I would suggest that your best friend is taking advantage of your obvious vulnerability and hoping to capitalise - in this case, he isn't your friend at all as he should be there for you and not thinking about himself but being a support in your time of need.

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    Goodness, whatever you do, do not proceed with a marriage unless you are absolutely, positively certain that you love, cherish, and adore this man and no others, and always will! Coming from someone twice divorced, trust me, you don't want to be. 

    I don't know what the other gentleman's intentions are or aren't, but the fact remains that it has caused you to hesitate. And it seems that you were disinterested in the marriage even before he came out with his feelings to you. Not a good sign.

    I agree with the previous posters, seek an independent opinion sooner than later to help you sort out your feelings. You need to speak to someone with no agenda in this. It may cost money, but it will be cheaper than making a huge life-altering mistake one way or the other.  Good luck hun.

  • al28al28 Posts: 41 New bride

    Can you talk to your h2b at all? Not arguing, but tell him you're not feeling yourself and ask if you can postpone the wedding? 

    I also agree with the others about getting some therapy - take some time for yourself. You can do it through the NHS although depending where you live, this can take a while. Or invest privately - even a couple of sessions will help you feel clearer headed and more able to cope. Have you suffered from low mood before? Anything can be a trigger to make you feel low. 

    I know it's easier said than done, but your focus now needs to be on yourself not your best friend and ultimatums - if you're forced to make a choice you will always resent that - so don't be hard on yourself, tell him you need some time out and find someone to talk to who can help you process and understand these feelings. 

    Good luck xx

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