Self esteem at rock bottom

Hiya,

I have posted about this before, months ago, along the lines of anyway. But my issue has gotten significantly worse. 

It's hard to know who to talk to about this, my sister just calls me an idiot, my fiance thinks I'm being stupid.

Since starting a new job over a year ago I have developed anxiety. I thought I had been anxious before (I have always been a worrier), but it's fully blown anxiety to the point I struggle to leave the house.

Other than worrying about work, I have started worrying about my appearance, not in a self obsessed/vain way, but in a 'everyone is staring at me because I look like a troll' kind of way.

I have always been told that I am pretty by family and friends (don't they have to say that?), and I have usually been happy when looking in a mirror. However, in the last few months I have started becoming paranoid that the person I see in the mirror is not how others see me. To the point I feel like I have been living my whole life as a lie, and I have become convinced the person that people see me as is this incredibly ugly woman.

It has got to a point I have wondered whether this is down to mental health issues rather than just worrying.

I had a consultation with an aesthetic doctor yesterday, basically I was there to ask him how to fix my face! He basically told me to go away and never come back as I need nothing doing and I am pretty the way I am.

I really don't know whats causing this, I don't know if it's the anxiety I get from work affecting other parts of my life. 

I get married in 8 weeks time, the thought of having my hair and make up done is making me feel like I could have a heart attack. Like I said, I am okay with what I see in the mirror but apparently this is a flipped version of ourselves (other people don't see us as our mirror image). I burst into tears the other night and felt like I was having a panic attack, I was telling my fiance I am scared he will look at me as I walk down the aisle and think I look terrible.

I don't want anyone looking at me, I don't want any photos.

This is really taking over my life now and due to work, I have no time to go and see a doctor.

Has anyone had this problem before?

I know there are much worse things going on in people's lives and I must sound ridiculous but this is more than just me worrying about what I look like, it consumes my every though to the point I feel like I need psychiatric help!

Thanks for any advice in advance :( x

Posts

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    I didn't want to read and run. All I am going to say is get to a doctor NOW - make the time and go.

    Feeling like this is not normal, and you yourself can pinpoint this as a change in your attitude. You need some support and help from a professional.

    We all have moments where we struggle and there is no shame in asking for help when you need it.

    Take care of your self and just for the record - you are not ugly!

  • OKCharlieOKCharlie Posts: 145

    I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like you really need some professional help. I would really urge you to try and see your doctor or maybe get some CBT or counselling. X

  • Violet2017Violet2017 Posts: 186

    This is a priority. You need to go to a doctor, explain how serious it is and hopefully they'll put you on a course for CBT. Please don't dismiss your feelings. I suffer from low self esteem, anxiety & depression. It's not enough for your friends and family to say you're beautiful, you need to feel it yourself. A good peice of advice my therapist gave me was to look at yourself in the mirror & pick out one facial feature, like your eyes. Keep looking at your eyes until you see them in a positive light, then move on to another part of your face. She also told me that I need to start seeing myself as a Queen. Treat yourself as you'd treat a small child, be kind to yourself. I really hope you get better xxxx

  • Mimi8Mimi8 Posts: 314

    Agree with other posters, get to your GP and have a talk with him, there are things that can help and will kick in before your big day . Anxiety is very scary and am so sorry you are suffering , try to get support from someone who understands , being told you are an idiot is not helpful! maybe your Gp can also talk to your family so they understand more about what you are going through. good luck , hope you feel better very soon xx

     

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    You had time to go and see a surgeon for cosmetic surgery, so MAKE time to see a doctor about your mental health.

    You know you need to do it, it wont go away on its own, and rearranging your face wont get rid of the anxiety. Dont make excuses about time, you neex to make this a priority, however scary it seems. You dont want to feel like this and the only way to stop it is to see a doctor.

  • TheLegacyofMrsMTheLegacyofMrsM Posts: 2,188 New bride

    You need to go to your GP straight away. I have history with anxiety, depression and body dysmorphia and found going on a low level antidepressant made a big difference very fast. The lift the antidepressant gave me allowed me to feel strong enough to get into counselling and try and sort the underlying issue.

    Please go to the Dr's and get yourself help xx

  • I'm going to echo the other statements here and recommend you go and see you doctor as soon as possible. Show him your original post if you don't feel comfortable explaining it out loud. You need some support before this gets worse.

    :) xxx

  • Lexi90Lexi90 Posts: 971

    I also agree with others, please go and see a doctor- I don't think anything is as important as your health. Work should certainly allow time off for doctors.

    My friend is getting married next year and like you over the past year she has developed anxiety which has affected her everyday life. She definitely felt seeing a doctor helped a little and is currently on a counselling programme. I know her fiancee found it difficult to understand at first, much like yours. It can take time for those who hadn't experienced anxiety to understand how or why you feel that way. Everyone kept saying to her your getting married and just got a house, how can you be anxious or feel low, your life is easy, but it's not a choice to wake up and feel like that. Please never feel alone or like someone cant help because there will be something and someone out there to help you. Don't leave it to get worse, whilst your wedding is close you can still start to improve on your wellbeing now. 

    On a side note I am so pleased the surgeon turned you away, sounds like a decent person. So many in this industry just want the money! 

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    You probably don't want to read it an eighth time, but I agree with all of the above ladies.  Perhaps adding my vote of support to the pile will help you see that so many people do care, and that this is a serious reality that needs to be dealt with.

    You are not an idiot. You are not stupid. And you are neither vain nor ugly.

    You are probably suffering from a body dysmorphia issue or something similar, as MrsM referenced. This is a real problem and there are real solutions to it. You just need to be a strong woman and go out there and get the help you need. You need to do it because you are worth it. If you don't see that now, think about it as doing it for your OH or for the relationship. Your relationship with him, with your family, with your employer...with everyone, WILL suffer if you don't have this addressed.

    Carve out the time to make an appointment with a psychologist.  Wedding planning, work, everything else can wait.  Make it a priority over so many things that aren't nearly as important...all of those things are going to suffer anyway if you don't get help.

    Don't feel about about getting help. You are by no means alone, as you can see. MANY women suffer from issues related to anxiety, depression, and body image. The professionals are quite used to helping women with these concerns.  If the first person you see doesn't strike you as a good fit, find someone else. Keep looking until you find the right professional that you feel comfortable with.

    Wouldn't it feel nice...to feel better?

    Sending you virtual hugs hun xx

     

     

     

     

  • Rosie91Rosie91 Posts: 77

    Hi everyone,

     

    Thank you so much for all the responses, I really appreciate it. I was at a stage where I didn't know if it was normal to feel like this or not. 

    I did have a referral at my older medical centre for anxiety, this was two years ago. I heard nothing so chased them up, they promised they would refer me, again I heard nothing from anyone. I then went travelling and moved in with my fiance so was no longer near that medical centre (never heard back from them anyway).

    I have just registered at my GP down where I live. I am a little bit concerned as the reviews are terrible - but seems the same for all the surgeries in my catchment area. 

    I am considering speaking to someone on a private basis rather than through the NHS, I have waited so long to stop feeling like this, I think it's worth paying the money. 

    I really appreciate the time you have spent replying, it's nice to know not everyone thinks I'm crazy or an idiot, it's what I needed to hear. I was worried I would be wasting doctors time.

    Thank you all xx

  • Miaow8690Miaow8690 Posts: 298

    You will not be wasting anyone's time. You deserve to feel better and you will with help. You do not have to keep feeling like this. Im glad you have decided to see someone.

    Take care of yourself lovely, we are all here for you.xxx

  • TheLegacyofMrsMTheLegacyofMrsM Posts: 2,188 New bride

    It can be worth looking into if you qualify for free counselling through work? I work in retail and a charity called retail trust supports us, so I got 6 sessions free. I think you need to make this your priority, your health has to come first. Maybe speak to your Dr about going on Citelopram? Only 10mg can make a huge difference and with your wedding so close and your mood so low, something that gives a quick lift may be worth considering.

    Remember we are all here for you if you need support, feel free to PM me if I can help further. Hugs xx

  • OKCharlieOKCharlie Posts: 145

    If going private is an option financially I definitely think it's worth it (knowing how long NHS waitlists are). The BACP list accredited therapists on this site which will be a good place to start looking:

    http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk

    I really hope you get some support and can start looking forward to your big day xx

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    You would not be wasting anyone's time, least of all your own. You deserve to feel better and I completely commend you for deciding to make the effort to give it a go. Persevere until you find the right clinician: working with the right person for your needs will make all the difference.

    Once talk therapy and/or drug therapy begin to work, you are going to feel like a new person. Making an investment like this in yourself will be an investment that pays dividends to you again and again.

    Good luck hun.

  • Rosie91Rosie91 Posts: 77

    Thanks again everyone, i can't explain how much I appreciate your words x

  • SouthowlSouthowl Posts: 35

    The biggest step is being self aware and recognising somethings not right about the way you feel about yourself. That is huge, and you used that understanding to reach out to people for help. Honestly, that's amazing and well done!! 

    You are a Queen and you deserve to feel like one so keep on doing what you know is best for you. Get the private healthcare, tell yourself you are beautiful, treat yourself like the most important person in your life... Because you are <3

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