My Parents Are Stressing Me Out.

Problems with parents seams to be one of the most common topics on this forum. I'm in the exact same position with my parents, well it's my Mum and her Boyfriend, my Dad hasn't caused any issues (yet).

They keep taking over all the time and when we don't do something they like they go off on one. My uncle has proffesional photography equipment but he is NOT a photographer, he is not professional! So we as the Bride and Groom have hired a photgragher of our choice for OUR wedding and my Mum went crazy at me saying it's a waste of money when my uncle could have done it bla bla bla, well I'm sorry but as well as him not be professional anyway, I also want my uncle to actually be in the photos! We hired the photographer we wanted and we are both extremely happy with him but the grief we got for it is ridiculous.

Now my Mum's boyfriend is paying for our caterer as our wedding present which I thought was really lovely of him and I really appreciate it, however I'm not at all happy with the caterer they chose. The first meeting with him, he was half an hour late and then my Mum told me on Sunday that they had been trying to get in contact with the caterer for the last two weeks and he hadn't answered any of his calls or his emails, they only got in touch by physically driving down to his cafe! He is so flakey and unprofessional, he also has no regard for what we as the Bride and Groom want for our reception menu, he's doing random spiced things that none of us have ever tried such as pineapple with paprika that just sounds horrible to me and I HATE spiced foods. My fiancee isn't keen on chocolate, we said this to the caterer so for desert he's making chocolate brownies and a chocolate fountain, that's great for me I love chocolate but what about some of the other guests who, just like the Groom; are not that keen on chocolate deserts and yes there are a few who would prefer a fruit based desert. I'm just really not happy about it.

I told my Mum my concerns and I said it in the nicest way possible and also included things such as "What are your thoughts?" "How do you feel about this?" I tried to make it as nice and as much about her as I could even though in reality me and my fiancee should have the final say!

I understand they are paying for the caterer, I understand my wedding is only just over 5 weeks away so we really don't have time to make a dramatic change such as a new caterer, I completely understand why they are really annoyed but I want it to be right and this caterer is not right for my wedding. We will find an alternative.

My Mum agrees with me that he's flakey and unproffesional and should be doing more for us but she said she doesn't want us to cancel as "it would make us look like fools". I don't care if we look like fools! This is MY wedding and we are not happy! The caterer isn't even suppliying cutlery, table cloths or any drinks so what we are paying to hire all that stuff and the amount it's costing us on drinks, we end up not actually saving anything by them paying for the caterer in the first place. I would prefer us to pay for a caterer that we are happy with, then my parents pay and we end up with an unproffesional caterer and possibly not enjoy the food that's being cooked for our reception.

I don't know what to do, I've tried being nice about it, I've tried just saying it as it is but they will make it hell for us if we choose not to go for that caterer. I've tried telling them that I am more than happy to speak to the caterer myself and see if he can change the menu and prove he's not flakey but in the mean time I will enquire elsewhere to keep my options open just in case he can't do what we want. I don't see how that's unreasonable?

Posts

  • OKCharlieOKCharlie Posts: 145

    Parents really do cause a lot of problems! Doesn't sound unreasonable at all. If I were you, I would definitely check that it is actually possible to find an alternative you would be happy with (if not, then it's not even up for discussion!). Then you can have a proper discussion with them with quotes etc, and that way you can go through the pros and cons of switching to an alternative caterer.

  • Ashleigh10Ashleigh10 Posts: 77
    OKCharlie wrote (see post):

    "Parents really do cause a lot of problems! Doesn't sound unreasonable at all. If I were you, I would definitely check that it is actually possible to find an alternative you would be happy with (if not, then it's not even up for discussion!). Then you can have a proper discussion with them with quotes etc, and that way you can go through the pros and cons of switching to an alternative caterer."

    Thank you for responding, yes we have enquired and there are a few alterniative options but they don't even want me to look at the alternatives! I was just saying that I'm happy to give the caterer another chance to convince me but I still will look into alternative options and then we will decided who we want. I understand it's there money and they have put a lot into arranging everything but we aren't even getting a say and this is meant to be our wedding. They keep saying we don't have the experience, well they don't have much more and there's not many people who plan their first wedding and have loads of experince anyway. I'm just sick of it and both me and my fiancee are dreading the reception unless the menu can be changed or we can have someone else. We shouldn't be dreading our own reception! :(

     

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    You're right about one thing, meddling parents/ relatives are one of the most frequent concerns brought to the forum - you are in good company!

    One of the points I make a lot in these threads is that whenever family provides money for a wedding, they will expect input - so buyer beware. Typically, the amount contributed will often not even correlate to the amount of input expected. A "small" contribution of £250 which one might think would be fair to have input on say, the invites, might make the contributors think they have input over venue, dress, cake, etc., far more than their £250 covers. It's too late for you probably, but whenever accepting money, the consequences should be considered.

    I'm a neutral party in that I don't know you or your family, so here's my two bits. 5 weeks is a very small amount of time to make major changes. Instead of spending your most valuable resource -time - researching a different caterer and trying to start over, why not try to make a phoenix from the ashes with the vendor you have? While this person undoubtedly does not deserve your patronage, it will likely be easier on you from all angles to try to salvage the working relationship. 

    Demand an emergency meeting with the caterer and come prepared. Bring with you the tentative menu with all of your concerns already outlined, ON PAPER. Tell this person what you want point-blank and what you don't. Give them a (short) deadline to produce a revised menu, and certainly do not give them any more money until you are satisfied.  If possible, schedule a new tasting. This caterer probably can produce great tasting meals, it's just a matter of getting him to produce ones you like the taste of!

    And good for you on the 'tog!  You are so right that having equipment does NOT make one a professional photographer!  Trust me as a bride who made similar mistake in the past, you would never forgive yourself had your photos turned out rubbish from hiring a bad 'tog.

  • Sarah398Sarah398 Posts: 266

    I agree with Kitten in that you should schedule a meeting with the caterer.

  • Ashleigh10Ashleigh10 Posts: 77
    Kitten2014 wrote (see post):

    "You're right about one thing, meddling parents/ relatives are one of the most frequent concerns brought to the forum - you are in good company!

    One of the points I make a lot in these threads is that whenever family provides money for a wedding, they will expect input - so buyer beware. Typically, the amount contributed will often not even correlate to the amount of input expected. A "small" contribution of £250 which one might think would be fair to have input on say, the invites, might make the contributors think they have input over venue, dress, cake, etc., far more than their £250 covers. It's too late for you probably, but whenever accepting money, the consequences should be considered.

    I'm a neutral party in that I don't know you or your family, so here's my two bits. 5 weeks is a very small amount of time to make major changes. Instead of spending your most valuable resource -time - researching a different caterer and trying to start over, why not try to make a phoenix from the ashes with the vendor you have? While this person undoubtedly does not deserve your patronage, it will likely be easier on you from all angles to try to salvage the working relationship. 

    Demand an emergency meeting with the caterer and come prepared. Bring with you the tentative menu with all of your concerns already outlined, ON PAPER. Tell this person what you want point-blank and what you don't. Give them a (short) deadline to produce a revised menu, and certainly do not give them any more money until you are satisfied.  If possible, schedule a new tasting. This caterer probably can produce great tasting meals, it's just a matter of getting him to produce ones you like the taste of!

    And good for you on the 'tog!  You are so right that having equipment does NOT make one a professional photographer!  Trust me as a bride who made similar mistake in the past, you would never forgive yourself had your photos turned out rubbish from hiring a bad 'tog."

    Thank you. It just annoys me that there paying higher amounts of money that nessasary on a caterer who is not professional! I will have to be strict about this, we can change the caterer there are caterers available and unless the current caterer makes the changes on the menu, I will replace him.

    I do already have a meeting with him on Monday but my problem is my parents won't listen and they are not letting us have an imput.

     

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