A horrible situation...

Hi everyone, I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just a safe place to share my thoughts. I’m getting married in just under 3 months after planning the wedding for almost 2 years so I’m very excited.

 

However, my sister (and MOH) and her husband had a trial separation at the start of the year as they weren’t getting on. During that time, she has made constant snide remarks about how a wedding is a waste of money etc and it might not last. I totally understand why she feels that way but I’m on such a downer about it now.

 

At the weekend, she announced to the family that her and her husband have decided to divorce, after 2 years of marriage. They haven’t told their kids yet and apart from close family and friends, nobody really knows that they have separated.

 

My sister told me in confidence that she has met someone else - a guy she works with. I have a horrible feeling that it’s been going on longer than January. Anyway, she has invited him to the wedding for the evening reception without consulting me. I’m pretty annoyed, especially as I didn’t know he existed until 4 days ago! She said she’s going to tell our parents about him before the wedding but it’s likely that they wouldn’t meet him until the actual wedding. Her kids will be leaving the wedding early as they have school the next day so she wants the bf to arrive once they leave.

 

I feel like I’ve lost control with our wedding and I don’t know what to do! My OH thinks she’s being completely unreasonable and selfish. I can’t speak to my parents about it because they’re blissfully unaware of the bf. I really don’t want him to come but I don’t want to risk falling out over it. I haven’t slept for days, I just don’t know what to do.

Posts

  • MrsM3MrsM3 Posts: 138

    That is so unfair and selfish of her.  I think you need to tell that exactly what you have said on here - you love her and don't want to fall out with her, but you don't feel it's appropriate to invite him to the wedding and you are not that happy about him coming! X

  • Sophie177Sophie177 Posts: 190

    didnt want to read and run, im so sorry you're going through this so close to your big day.  Mrs M3 is right, you need to talk to her and say its unappropriate for this chap to come along - and since when was she allowed to issue invitations to people you dont know to your wedding anyway?!

    id actually talk to your folks too, let them know the position you've been put in... but tell your sis that you're going to do so, so she has a chance to tell them first.  but make it clear you wont hang about in telling them.  She is being very unfair and selfish, and its not nice of her to make such comments .

    sending hugs xx

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    This is such a horrible situation to be in and I feel for you completely, you poor thing!

    I would be feeling the exact same way as you are and it is so sad that you cant speak to anyone about it really as no one knows.  I would do as already suggested, invite your sister round and let it be just the two of you, tell her how you feel.

    She is your sister and she should appreciate that this is a day for you and your partner and the drama and attention shouldn't be on her and the fact she has a new man when no one knew she was separated.  I hope she understands xx

  • What a difficult situation! :/ I agree with Sophie177 and MrsM3. Your sister is being unreasonable and selfish.

    How close are you? I guess not super close as she didnt tell you she had a boyfriend until now. You probably should tell her you love her but you dont feel comfortable with him at your wedding at this point. If you wanna be super supportive, you may tell her that it is a bit soon and that you dont appreciate her inviting someone you dont know to your wedding, but that you would like to meet him at some point. Perhaps if they are truly in love and you see it, you might change your mind. I would also tell her to come clean with your parents soon. You should not be dealing with this by yourself. It is stressful enough to plan a wedding....your sister's drama is not yours to carry: share the heavy load with your parents!

    I know how you feel with that going on around you. I had a few friends splitting up this year (after so many years together!) and it is a bit scary. A wedding is a massive investment of money and feelings and the idea of it ending up in a divorce after a few years is horrible. But there are also so many successful weddings out there!  I try to mirror my expectations on them, not the failed ones. ;) 

    Good luck with everything, darling xx

  • Jenni8Jenni8 Posts: 3,201

    Aww yes what a horrible situation you poor thing. 

    I agree with the advice given already. You need to tell your sis you are not comfortable with him coming and your reason why. Maybe just that you don't want your wedding to be when a lot of the (extended) family find out about the divorce and new bf in one day, that will take the focus off of you and your H2B. 

    I really hope it works out, do let us know how you get on. Hugs to your family at this unpleasant time. 

  • Kate186Kate186 Posts: 92

    I agree with everyone else, and your oh

     

    . Putting myself in her shoes-. Being a significant part of your wedding, when she will still have such mixed feelings about her own would be really difficult for her, but bringing the new man in is not the solution. It puts you in a really difficult position of being mediator on your wedding day, never mind catering for someone else at such short notice. How awful would it be if the kids are having such a great time they want to stay later? Also I think if I was the man I really wouldn't want to be introduced to everyone at my partner who is a divorcees sisters wedding. 

    If I were you I'd tell her that although you would really like to meet him you would like to be able to give him more time than you would be able to at your wedding and arrange another time. Say that as the weddings in such a short time you can't change your plans to include him, because you wouldn't for anybody else. That way you're saying no without making it a problem.

    I'm really sorry you're facing such a nightmare.

  • OKCharlieOKCharlie Posts: 145 New bride

    If he's going to come, I would insist that he meets you and the family beforehand. You can quite rightly say that you don't want someone you haven't met at your wedding and that you don't want the focus of your wedding to be on her new partner given how quickly it's all happened. Either that, or as the others have said, put your foot down and say he can't come. 

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    I'm sure she can survive without him for one night (especially if it's only been happening since January!). Good luck x

  • TheLegacyofMrsMTheLegacyofMrsM Posts: 2,188 New bride

    I think while it is a difficult situation you need to take a step back from your wedding and frame your response in a wider context, otherwise you risk looking a bit wedding focused. Your sister is having a tough time of it if her marriage has just broken up, remember that.

    I would express concerns for her about rushing into something new. I think you are well justified to ask how serious it is, as serious enough to be invited to the evening do is different to not series enough to be mentioned to the parents yet! Point out it will be awkward for him: suggest he meets the family first before the wedding. If she does that, I can't really see why it is an issue if he comes to the evening do? If you take a step back, you may find your parents etc raise the objections for you. 

    It's not like she has replaced her husband with him as her plus one, that would be completely inappropriate! 

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    But what about the husband? I mean you can't retract the invite. If the kids are flower girls or page boys he may still want to go!

  • Little JulesLittle Jules Posts: 1,538

    Mrs M, I have to say I disagree with you. I'm sure your sister has gone through a tough time, and I agree that maybe it's worth a wider conversation. But I don't think that the wedding, even the evening, is the time to introduce a new partner to the wider family, particularly so recently after a split.

    I'd suggest being honest about how you feel and how difficult it is, and say that you would love to meet him and get to know him, but you don't want this to be a part of your day.

  • Thank you all so so much for your advice. It's good to hear views from other perspectives and to be able to speak about it!

    I'm concerned that my sister might be moving into something serious very quickly, especially given that she has just come out of a 14 year relationship and has 2 young kids. I'm going to speak to her and explain my concerns. It's just potentially very awkward that most people are not aware that she had separated from her husband, let alone that she has a new bf. I wish she would tell my parents so we can all meet him before the wedding.

    I feel a bit better about it all, thanks ladies xxx 

     

  • Kim90Kim90 Posts: 183

    You need to say that you are uncomfortable with her bringing a new partner to your wedding,where there will be so much of the family present...say you would like to meet him,but not on your day...perhaps arrange an alternative date!

    she maybe jealous that you are getting married again, or angry that her own marriage failed,sadly you cannot control others opinions

     I will get married for the second time in early August...I hVe accepted my first marriage wasn't working for me and I needed to move on.

     Not everyone in our circle of friends and family agree with us getting married ...but it's our day , we want to celebrate that we are together and our love is strong! 

    Im also really excited about getting married and having a real lovely day.. you too should be optimistic..

    I wish you all the best x

  • RubyCat wrote (see post):

    But what about the husband? I mean you can't retract the invite. If the kids are flower girls or page boys he may still want to go!

    You're right, we did invite him initially as they were still together when we sent save the dates but my sister has asked me to let him know that he can't come as she would feel uncomfortable. It's a real shame as he's been in my life since I was 16 but I have to respect her wishes as she's my family and I don't want to put her in an awkward situation. I've invited her best friend as her plus one for the day x 

  • Rebbecca2Rebbecca2 Posts: 6
    Scottishbride2016 wrote (see post):
    RubyCat wrote (see post):

    But what about the husband? I mean you can't retract the invite. If the kids are flower girls or page boys he may still want to go!

    You're right, we did invite him initially as they were still together when we sent save the dates but my sister has asked me to let him know that he can't come as she would feel uncomfortable. It's a real shame as he's been in my life since I was 16 but I have to respect her wishes as she's my family and I don't want to put her in an awkward situation. I've invited her best friend as her plus one for the day x 

     

    Respect her wishes... She's hardly respecting yours.

    You potential could still have a relationship with your BIL but if the new BF comes to your wedding then that will never happen.

    I appreciate it's difficult them splitting up but she is being completely unfair to you. The evening will be all about her and the new boyfriend.

    You should explain to her that you don't feel comfortable with the first time everyone meeting the new BF being at your wedding.

     

  • Hi ladies, thanks for all of your kind words and advice! I had a chat with my sister and explained that I'd prefer to meet him, and also for my parents to meet him, before the wedding but it backfired as he turned up at the airport to collect us from my hen weekend, so it was forced upon me. Really wish she would tell my parents soon so I could chat to them about it. My OH isn't happy that she's still expecting him to come to the wedding so I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Ahhh x

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