FSIL Help!

Hi all,

I had originally been close to my FSIL and had asked her to be a BM, except not too long ago she was verbally abusive towards me and then refused to allow anyone to tell me information about her (essentially cutting me out) and not only telling the whole H2B's family what a utter b*tch I am (the nicest of words) and then information has now come out that she's hated me since the beginning and has often told my H2B to leave me. Not great!

Problem now is, the wedding is in a few weeks and my H2B would be distraught if she couldn't be a bridesmaid and she apparently wants to be a part of the wedding and no longer has ill feelings towards me, however refuses to apologise or even get in contact with me (it's been two months) so essentially she's going to turn up on the day after not helping for one detail of the wedding and repeatedly changing the conversation whenever i previously tried to discuss it.

Feeling drained and defeated, any advice or people that have gone through similar situation? 

Posts

  • LittlespiceLittlespice Posts: 665

    Is your h2b aware of the stress she has caused you? Maybe explain how it would feel and see if he could compromise by having her as a grooms woman? That way she is wedding party but does not affect your bridal party.

  • PenseaPensea Posts: 13
    Littlespice wrote (see post):

    Is your h2b aware of the stress she has caused you? Maybe explain how it would feel and see if he could compromise by having her as a grooms woman? That way she is wedding party but does not affect your bridal party.

     

    I tell him everyday but he's torn as he feels it's just a blip in her mental health and she's his best friend. A grooms woman could be a good compromise but I feel like that could create a bigger rift if I'm purposefully chucking her as a bridesmai. Seems to be a lose-lose situation from an otherwise fairly stress free wedding! 

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    Could you ask her to do a reading during the service or something instead? Then she isn't a direct part of the wedding party. Have you already purchased her dress?

  • PenseaPensea Posts: 13
    bella2015 wrote (see post):

    Could you ask her to do a reading during the service or something instead? Then she isn't a direct part of the wedding party. Have you already purchased her dress?

    id be quite worried of what she'd say! But could be an option! I've bought her dress but have yet to give it to her, luckily it didn't cost too much and we're the same size. Wedding is in 7 weeks and all the stress of this is getting to me. I've had multiple members of the H2B's family warning me ever since our engagement 5 months ago that she'll make the wedding about her or will have a meltdown and now this lack of communication and sudden hatred of me makes me worried that I'll actually need security staff as she's threatened violence against me in the past. The sad part is everybody says she's reformed now but that's only because I'm the only one on the hit list! H2B said he'd disown her if she makes a scene at the wedding but that's yet to be determined, feels like I'm in an episode of Eastenders! 

  • MoggleMoggle Posts: 556

    Honestly, I would be so upset if my h2b made me feel like I had to have his sister in my bridal party if she'd treated me the way yours has... i hope you're ok, and feel so bad for you that she's acted in that way! 

    I feel like she should be lucky she's getting an invite after that kind of behaviour! 

    I'm sorry I don't have any good advice for you but I really hope you get it sorted out and it doesn't affect your day.

  • PenseaPensea Posts: 13
    Moggle wrote (see post):

    Honestly, I would be so upset if my h2b made me feel like I had to have his sister in my bridal party if she'd treated me the way yours has... i hope you're ok, and feel so bad for you that she's acted in that way! 

    I feel like she should be lucky she's getting an invite after that kind of behaviour! 

    I'm sorry I don't have any good advice for you but I really hope you get it sorted out and it doesn't affect your day.

    Oh I know! Thankyou, glad to know I'm not insane for feeling this way! Poor H2B has finally realised how I've been feeling but is still at a loss of what to do aswell, especially as it seems FSIL is using her mental health problems as blackmail for everybody to be nice to her otherwise she starts talking about suicide. Never had to deal with this much manipulation, especially around such a big event! 

  • Emma417Emma417 Posts: 241

    Sorry to hear the stress you're under from this, it must be hard to deal with that and not surprised you're feeling so drained.

    Unfortunately mental health issues may be making her act irrationally and she isn't intentionally using this as blackmail or knowingly manipulating you.

    Try not to listen to all the family comments about what she might or might not do at the wedding, they clearly aren't helping the situation.

    If she does seriously have mental health issues then some of her behaviour and attitude may be a little out of her control.

    Could she perhaps be jealous of you marrying her best friend and in her eyes taking him away from her?

    Don't underestimate how mental health can effect people and that it's not excuse for her behaviour but the cause of it. 

  • PenseaPensea Posts: 13
    Emma417 wrote (see post):

    Sorry to hear the stress you're under from this, it must be hard to deal with that and not surprised you're feeling so drained.

    Unfortunately mental health issues may be making her act irrationally and she isn't intentionally using this as blackmail or knowingly manipulating you.

    Try not to listen to all the family comments about what she might or might not do at the wedding, they clearly aren't helping the situation.

    If she does seriously have mental health issues then some of her behaviour and attitude may be a little out of her control.

    Could she perhaps be jealous of you marrying her best friend and in her eyes taking him away from her?

    Don't underestimate how mental health can effect people and that it's not excuse for her behaviour but the cause of it. 

    Thankyou for your advice! As someone who has had mental health issues and has studied it at great length, I do understand. However, it gets to a point where should I allow her to essentially bully me and verbally abuse me then reward that with putting my own happiness aside on my wedding day, purely because she threatens to kill herself if I don't? Thats the reason why I've been so delicate about this situation instead of giving the ol' boot but it's definitely getting to me as I always put others before myself and just wanted this one day! 

    Do you think I should just brave it and have her turn up on the day after months of not talking and have her share the limelight? (Even know I'm still miffed that's an option) 

  • Emma417Emma417 Posts: 241

    No you definitely shouldn't allow her to bully and verbally abuse you, no one should be allowed to do that. Your happiness is of course the most important thing and your wedding day is absolutely a time you should put yourself first. 

    I don't know what I'd do in your situation other than perhaps lean on my H2B to take more control of the situation and talk to his sister. 

    Do you have other bridesmaids? And if so have they been more involved? 

  • PenseaPensea Posts: 13
    Emma417 wrote (see post):

    No you definitely shouldn't allow her to bully and verbally abuse you, no one should be allowed to do that. Your happiness is of course the most important thing and your wedding day is absolutely a time you should put yourself first. 

    I don't know what I'd do in your situation other than perhaps lean on my H2B to take more control of the situation and talk to his sister. 

    Do you have other bridesmaids? And if so have they been more involved? 

    Thankyou, I think that too!

    I have two other bridesmaids who have been incredibly helpful and could not fault them at all and I'm grateful they've picked up the jobs that would have been appointed to FSIL.

    I think I've come to a resolution (with the help of you amazing people!) which I will run past H2B - If FSIL does contact me in the next week and 6 days (the run up to the month before the wedding) and apologise sincerely and express she wants to build a relationship then she can be a bridesmaid and we'll continue forward, but if she doesn't then she can't be one (for the sake of my sanity and actually valuing the title "bridesmaid"). However, she could be a part of the groomsmen,  so still a part of the wedding party, and I can have my two best friends as part of the bridesmaids who I originally wanted (they're both men and we'd decided only men for groomsmen and women for bridesmaid and 3 on each side).

    Do you think that could be a good compromise? I'm starting to think I'm being petty but I don't want to be another woman in the long list of people that didn't even like their bridesmaids! 

  • Personally I would leave it for now, Keep on organising and ticking things off the list and if she wants to be your bridesmaid you have her dress ready and she can ask for it. Don't you go to her, if she wants this she can come to you. If she doesn't say anything in the run up to the wedding (which at this stage i suspect she won't) you could potentially have a wedding without a bridesmaid from hell purely because she hasn't contacted you rather than you have changed your mind. 

    I understand this doesn't help with the emotional side of things... sorry :(

  • PenseaPensea Posts: 13
    CherryCokeQueen wrote (see post):

    Personally I would leave it for now, Keep on organising and ticking things off the list and if she wants to be your bridesmaid you have her dress ready and she can ask for it. Don't you go to her, if she wants this she can come to you. If she doesn't say anything in the run up to the wedding (which at this stage i suspect she won't) you could potentially have a wedding without a bridesmaid from hell purely because she hasn't contacted you rather than you have changed your mind. 

    I understand this doesn't help with the emotional side of things... sorry :(

    That's actually really helpful! I think I'll do exactly that because I suspect if I say anything then it'll be something she'll use as leverage for how "evil" I am, so by doing nothing I can save myself for future disputes too!

    Dont worry about the emotional side, just being able to vent has made me feel less stressed and upset plus seeing other people have similar problems has helped to realise these types of thing seem to be fairly normal.

    Just now I guess I have to see how long I have to wait for this "apology"...

  • I had a similar situation when I was getting married... except it was my MIL. Nearly broke it off. At the end of the day though, two things I learned were:

    1. It's a day. It feels like THE day, but I promise it's not. It sounds terrible, but it's the truth. Whether or not she ruins the day is dependent on whether you let her get to you. Don't. She's not important. The day will be special because it's the day you and your husband are married. None of the things that could go poorly, including her, are going to change that, ruin that or otherwise damage that. Be happy because you're marrying your best friend/love of your life. 

    2. Yes, she has to be a bridesmaid, because she's his sister. You've asked, you've purchased the dress and now all that remains is for her to walk and stand there for your and your h2b. She's not winning; even if she isn't apologizing. She won't. She isn't sorry. But, you don't have to forget and you can ensure any future interactions are different because you remember how she acted and what she said. And you're winning, because you get to marry your h2b.

    Focus on the positive. Focus on the marriage. Don't get lost in the day of because it goes so fast. Take lovely photos (and video, if you are doing that) and focus on the future.... not her bullshit.

  • PenseaPensea Posts: 13
    Bridesmaid240 wrote (see post):

    I had a similar situation when I was getting married... except it was my MIL. Nearly broke it off. At the end of the day though, two things I learned were:

    1. It's a day. It feels like THE day, but I promise it's not. It sounds terrible, but it's the truth. Whether or not she ruins the day is dependent on whether you let her get to you. Don't. She's not important. The day will be special because it's the day you and your husband are married. None of the things that could go poorly, including her, are going to change that, ruin that or otherwise damage that. Be happy because you're marrying your best friend/love of your life. 

    2. Yes, she has to be a bridesmaid, because she's his sister. You've asked, you've purchased the dress and now all that remains is for her to walk and stand there for your and your h2b. She's not winning; even if she isn't apologizing. She won't. She isn't sorry. But, you don't have to forget and you can ensure any future interactions are different because you remember how she acted and what she said. And you're winning, because you get to marry your h2b.

    Focus on the positive. Focus on the marriage. Don't get lost in the day of because it goes so fast. Take lovely photos (and video, if you are doing that) and focus on the future.... not her bullshit.

    Wow, I think I need the print that out and hang it around my house! Honestly, thankyou for that. I've been so focused on what to do about her I haven't been enjoying this last month run up to the wedding. And you're right, she wouldn't be sorry so I shouldn't expect her to be. Just told H2B what you wrote and he thinks that's great advice (I didn't show all of it as I don't want too much reality of other people finding out what she's like) but really, thankyou, i think that last paragraph will be my new mantra whenever she's getting me down 

Sign In or Register to comment.