We've broken up for good.

Just wanted to come on here to say there will be no more wedding. I've been suffering from depression and low self-esteem for years and everyone has come to the realisation that my whole life revolves around my relationship. 

OH and I were apart for 6 weeks in which time he told me he was happier without me even though he loved me more than the world. This is because he has felt constant pressure to keep me happy and feels like he can't be himself anymore as I was getting jealous of photos of him and other girls. I realise I'm stupid and I do trust him, it's just my brain tells me I'm not good enough and I compare myself to everyone. I always thought if you loved someone enough you'd make it work but that's really not the case.

We spoke about what the most important thing is about a relationship and he said 'Independance' which couldn't be further away from what I need and want at times, which is comfort, love and reassuring. He said this morning that he wants to be able to feel like he can fly around the world at the drop of a hat and that he needs to be in a relationship where he has the freedom to do that.

Needless to say I am absolutely heartbroken. He's said he loves me more than anything but he wants me to go off and find out who I am again. I've been with him from 19-25 and feel like he's been such a huge part of my life that I'm not sure how I'm going to cope.

If I'm honest with myself, I have been Googling 'cold feet' for the last 5 months and whenever we argue he has been shutting off and I've been crying myself to sleep on a regular basis so I know it's not right. Its just so hard because I really did believe he was The One.

His mum has said I need to be on my own and that we never know what could happen in the future but I'm just riddled with thoughts that he's going to find someone better. We have a house and a dog and I feel like everything is falling apart as I'm going to go and live with my Mum for a while in my childhood room. Kill me. I wanted to come on here for a bit of support because I don't think anything could have prepared me for this. 

xxx

 

Posts

  • Lexi90Lexi90 Posts: 971

    I am so sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. 

    I am a firm believer that if it's mean to be you will find yourself and patch things up. Although from what you say about his independence and the type of person you need, maybe in the time you've been together you have both grown as people and have very different outlooks on relationships and life. That isn't a bad thing, I feel it's better to realise that now for the long term- although I can understand it may not feel that way, especially when as you say hes been your life for so long. Things are sadly going to feel weird and wrong for a while. This isn't the end, you have a life beyond this phase in your life. 

    Please don't feel like you should spend your time worrying he will find someone better- i know that's easier said than done but nobody is better than anyone else. Your needs and his are just different and in time you may find someone "better" for what you want and need in life too. Alternatively in the long run what he thinks he want may not be once he lives that lifestyle for a while. I sometimes think if people go and find themselves they themselves realise that they can step out and realise deep down things weren't right for them either. 

    Sorry i can't help make you feel better, but everyone on this forum is here for you to talk. 

     

  • Emily54Emily54 Posts: 266

    Hi Violet, 

    I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you and you are feeling like this. I to suffer from anxiety and depression so I think I understand a little about your feelings.

    I'm afraid you are probably going to find the end few days/ weeks very tough. I also think that it's times like these that you are suprised about how strong you actually can be. Call some of your friends, go out. Do something for you. Is there anything that you have always wanted to do? Now is that time to learn that new skill, travel to that new place or even buy that handbag you have wanted for months. 

    as I said I also suffer with panic attacks and my mind can be a terribly dark place at times. I try to tell myself that it is all in the mind, believe it or not but you do have a choice about your thoughts. Whenever I feel them coming over me, I say to myself - no negative thoughts!. Shut that thought down and let it go. 

    I also used to count on others to make me happy, it's almost like you tell yourself I will be happy when this happens, or this , or this. Then it does but your still not happy. That's because only you can make yourself happy. Surround yourself with positivity and things that make you happy. Even if you are faking that smile to begin with, carry on it will soon become real. 

     You must allow yourself to be happy. 

    Please don't ever compare yourself to others. Everyone is different and we must embrace that. have you ever looked at anyone who's smiling and thought a bad thought about them? 

    My last words of advice, I was once told a quote that I use alot and that is, "There are no lifts in life, just lots of little steps" very true. You cannot get to where you need to be quickly, it takes work. 

    Please do not feel afraid to go to your doctor if you need some anti anxiety meds or anti depressants. There is no shame in asking for help. 

    Really hope everything works out for you babe, sorry to ramble and I probably haven't helped but I think that once you heal yourself everything else will fall into place once your ready xxxx Good luck and show him what he's missing xxxx

  • Mrs..C..2beMrs..C..2be Posts: 318 New bride

    I'm sure pretty much everyone on this thread has either been there or knows someone who has been broken hearted. I have been there and I remember the feeling all too well. I also remember people telling me that I would find someone more suited and that I would be happy again but it was reassurance that I struggled to believe at the time. They were all right of course but it didnt make the feeling of my world collapsing any better. Unfortunately there are no magic words and it's a cliché but over time you will heal. There are things you can definitely do to help with that process; learning to love yourself being one. Another cliché i know but very true!! Look after yourself, remind yourself every day of all your positive attributes and surround yourself with people who make you feel valued and loved. It might sound silly but I wrote all mine on a poster with a picture of me where i was really happy. I ate well, exercised and read them aloud every morning. You will find your own way and you will come out shining. Just don't be afraid of asking for help if you continue to struggle. Sending you love and positivity x

  • EJS1982EJS1982 Posts: 664

    Violet take heart!! You have literally described my life. I was with a guy from 21 - 26 or something like that and he was my everything. But it wasn't a healthy relationship. I cheated on him once as I was travelling on my gap year on the other side of the world. After that, my whole life fell apart and I became this terribly ugly, needy person. My whole self worth relied on him showing me that he still loved me. I became increasingly jealous of any female friends and it was ultimately a poisonous relationship. As much as I thought he was the one, and I much as I loved him...I wasn't a good person with him anymore.

    We broke up for good one day and it devastated me. I remember, like you, visiting my parents and being in my childhood room and thinking it was the end of the world and that my heart would never be whole again. But I also felt a weight off my shoulders. ultimately I knew it was the right thing to be free and to find myself again, to find out who I was without him and to eventually find a guy who would love me in the way I needed to be loved.

    Fast forward a few years of independence, freedom, travel, a new job, a new home, loving life and going on random dates...I meet my future husband doing a sport we both love. We get married in 4 weeks and he was the one I was searching for. 

    I think you will get through this in time. It feels so shit now but you do need to just allow yourself to forgive yourself. It's not your fault things didn't work out - you just can't slot a square peg in a round hole! One day, after lots of fun, you'll find the guy that fits. In the meantime, try and be really positive and look on this as an opportunity to shape your life into anything at all you want it to be. Sending so much love and support xxxx

  • MrsSharkMrsShark Posts: 859 New bride

    Echoing what others have said. I'm so sorry you're feeling heart broken. If it's meant to be, it'll work out and if not, it was never right for you. I used to suffer from anxiety and am now in a place where I don't let it stop me. It's taken a while but I've learnt to be brave and not let my thoughts take over.

    Don't worry about moving back in with your parents, let them surround you with love and care for a little while whist you get back on your feet. I can't recommend exercise and healthy eating enough, it'll make you feel 100x better and give you an outlet for any stress/anxiety/anger. 

    You are strong. You can get through this. You deserve to be happy, whether that's with him, someone else or alone. Keep us updated xxx

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Violet I am so sorry to read this. I can't really say much more than that as I can't imagine the heartache you must be feeling right now. Even though we don't know you in person, there are many of us on here to support you. 

    Lexi has already said anything I would, but I think you both have been incredibly brave to face the harsher realities of your relationship rather than push it under the carpet and think a wedding and a marriage will make it all better. There are ladies on here who have previously gone ahead with weddings despite knowing it wasn't right, and I think if they catch onto your story, they will be able to highlight how you have done the right thing by reevaluating your relationship now. Similarly, I have a very close friend who I suspect is deeply unhappy in her marriage after a whirlwind romance and baby with a man who is now claiming he wants independence and freedom (should've put something on the end of it 😉). I know a lot wasn't great before they got married (he was texting other women for starters), but rather than stepping back, she pushed their wedding forward presumably thinking that would fix everything...I know you will feel like your life is in pieces right now, but I think spending all that money on a wedding and realising your marriage is wrong would be even more painful. For me, it's so sad to see my friend like this, more sad than if she decided to divorce him.

    No-one expects you to dust yourself off and simply carry on. Keep good people around you and a close eye on your wellbeing. Time is the best thing for you right now. Use it to heal but also to clear your mind. If it's meant to be, you will both realise with time that you are right for each other; if not, time will help you see the flaws in your relationship more clearly so you can discover what you need and move forward postively. You are only 25 - there is lots of time to meet people and grow as an individual.

    Sending you good wishes x

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,652 New bride

    Hi Violet

    I was really sad to read this post and I'm so sorry about the way things have worked out. I'm no good at life counselling and advice really- and anything I could have said has already been said better! I'll just say that I have experience of depression myself and it can be a very hard thing for those around you to deal with, as well of course hard for yourself. Nobody knows what the future holds, but it sounds like this release of pressure will be good for you both in the long run. I know it feels terrible now to be moving home and starting again- but things can only get better, and they will. You can get through anything, and you will get through this.

    Thinking about you and sending hugs.

  • Marija2Marija2 Posts: 362

    I'm so so sorry to hear this. I'm sending you a million virtual hugs... 

    Since I was a child, everytime I got hurt my mom would say: 'and that will pass'. Later she used it when I was heartbroken, upset, lonely etc. I hated it I didn't see how was that meant to be helpful... Once I moved countries and started living on my own, whenever I was hurt, I would catch myself saying that in my head over and over again.. ...and that will pass... And it would. Eventually. 

    Trust and all the deamons in your head saying that he will find someone else are very tricky things... And they are liars... I dunno why us girls think about the guys as if they are some sort of heartless creatures, that once they close your home door, forget that you exist. They don't. He obviously loves you:

    he cares for YOU

    he bought a house and a dog with YOU (which for most guys is a bigger commitment than a marriage itself) 

    he spent all those years with YOU

    he proposed to YOU (which means he planned his future with YOU)

     

    is there prettier girls than you? Yes. Is there nicer girls than you? Well yes... But it doesn't mean that he feels that way. How many people do you know in life that are extremely annoying and you can't stand them, yet they have loving partners and friends? Loads. Because to each their own. And he chose You. Give yourself a break.

      As I have been folowing your thread since you started and I have seen a few pictures of you (and I'm not saying it coz I want to make you feel better): in my eyes you are stunning! You have beautiful face, amazing hips/bum (proper envy there), beautiful hair... You are very very pretty. 

    Please believe in yourself. in your own time find your way to have your independence back - There is nothing sexier than that! 

    It will pass... xxxxx

  • Violet2017Violet2017 Posts: 186

    Thank you everyone. Currently in bed just sobbing. I feel weirdly at peace with it but it's difficult because we've been through so much together and I am seeing this as a huge failure. I always knew we weren't the most compatable of people, I admitted on here ages ago that I've never felt he was my best friend... as much as I told myself he was, I know deep down he wasn't. I think we're so so different we would have struggled to have been friends anyway and it never really started off like that. He's been more of an emotional crutch really. That sounds awful but I see him as my rock, but I suppose not in a healthy way. He's a teacher, knows how to make things better, provided for me and we had some amazingly fun and lovely times but I would have never called us Soulmates because our views on life are so completely different, but I used to say we were because of all the pain and hurt we'd been through together, I thought it meant we were meant to be. He's given me absolutely everything I've ever wanted and it's breaking my heart because I have been so ungrateful and miserable because he's not very sensitive or emotional so I feel like, even though I have the security of a house, a car, the dog, good jobs, good future prospects... I've never felt 'safe' because I haven't felt like my heart has been handled very well. He admits that but says that he couldnt have done any more for me to show me that I was the centre of his world. Currently just feeling like absolute crap :( xx

  • TheLegacyofMrsMTheLegacyofMrsM Posts: 2,188 New bride

    Hi Violet,

    I'm sorry if what I am going to say is upsetting, but I think what your ex-fiancé has done is for the best. 

    I have a planning thread where I talked about how this marriage is my second marriage. My first husband had mental health issues but I loved him so I married him anyway. Being someone's crutch is very very difficult and draining: it's also incredibly frustrating because it's so clear that they are putting all their needs for security and to feel better onto you. I'll be honest: no one else can make you feel better if you have depression. I ended up being a carer for my ex-husband for two and a half years when he was very, very ill and it led not only to heart break but I started to suffer from depression, anxiety and even agrophobia from the pressure of being a carer. I left him as I didn't see how we would both survive if we stayed together.

    It was the best thing I ever did. He stopped having me as the centre of his world and realised he needed to do things for him. My mental health improved almost immediately. I cared for him for another 9 months, but he needed less and less support. Roll on nearly 3 years and I am very happily married to someone else and he is engaged to someone who suits him more. 

    You need to use this time to fix you. Whatever medication you are on isn't cutting it if you still feel this bad so go to the Dr's and get it increased or changed. If you are going back to your  parents, use the money you will save on living costs to pay for counselling. I had about 15 sessions over the course of a year to help me work everything though but I am so glad I did it.

    Also feel free to PM me or read the beginning of my Lavender Glamour thread if you want to. I wish you the very best xx

  • Violet2017Violet2017 Posts: 186

    Thank you MrsM. I do understand what you're saying. It's been hard because the depression and anxiety has stemmed from the beginning of our relationship where he was still trying to convince himself he was in love with his ex and so hurt me in the process. I then fell pregnant and it made everything 1000x worse and I have never, ever gotten over that. I know we need space and time to heal but it's not that the depression is separate from him. He admits and feels awful because the majority of why I feel sad is to do with us anyway. I need to take a step back I think. I'm just terrified. xxxx

  • OKCharlieOKCharlie Posts: 145

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I think it takes huge strength to face up to the problems in your relationsip so I have no doubt you will have the strength to get through this. just be kind to yourself and get through these first few days. my friend went through something very similar and called her wedding off a few months before she was supposed to get married. The first week was awful, just heartbreaking but things got better and a couple of years on, she's happier than ever, met someone else and now it is just a relief that she got out. What was the hardest thing to do at the time was the best thing she ever did - and in time im sure the same will be true for you. 

     

    xx

  • Miaow8690Miaow8690 Posts: 298

    Oh Violet I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. 

    But you know, I felt 2 things when I read your post. I was sad, and I was really proud of you.

    Because it takes serious guts on the part of you both to realise it is not working and call time before it goes too far. I am so proud of you both that you have taken this step for the good of you both. It is not the easy route, but it is the right route.

    The only thing that will make you feel better is time. As the other ladies have said, we would love to wave a magic wand and make it go away but we can't. You need time to heal and find out who you are alone. 

    As has been said above, fill your time. Eat well (although chocolate may also help! :p), exercise, join a club or group, learn a new language or new skill, make time for friends. At first  will have to drag yourself out and it will feel like a chore, b

  • Miaow8690Miaow8690 Posts: 298

    sorry, got cut off! 

    But then gradually, little by little, you will find that you love doing what you're doing, and that you look forward to book club or rugby practice or Italian lessons more than you ever imagined. You will gain in confidence, you will be happier than you can predict right now. I promise it will get better. As Marija said, "this too shall pass".

    You have all your friends and family around you in the "real world", dont be afraid to ask for medical help or counselling if you need it, and you will always have us here as well. You are a beautiful person, and you will get through this.

    Hang in there. All the love xxxxxxxx

  • TheLegacyofMrsMTheLegacyofMrsM Posts: 2,188 New bride

    Taking a step back from it all will help. Hopefully then you will see the woods for the trees, and maybe realise that while your issues were linked to him, you weren't able to deal with them while you were together. It's so difficult when you are adamant something has to work: you divert all your time and emotionally energy into making it work at the detriment of everything else, including your own health. It sounds like you were trying to hard to hang onto him that you could never devote the time to healing yourself.

    Now is your chance! Look after yourself, deal with all the issues and put yourself first. Seek professional help and use all your support mechanisms. You need to do this for you, you don't have to live the rest of your life feeling this way xx 

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    Hi Violet. Sorry to hear what you've been going through.

    I was with my ex husband from the age of 17-26. We got married at the age of 24, even though I knew things weren't quite right. Looking back, I wish I'd had the strength not to go through with the marriage as what followed was a very messy ending/divorce and a marriage that only lasted 18 months. I don't want this to sound harsh as it isn't meant to, but I think that it's probably better that you know now instead of going through with a wedding.

    I am now married to the most wonderful man and we have an amazing relationship. I never, ever thought I would be happy again after my divorce but I can honestly say that I am grateful that things worked out the way they did otherwise I would never have met my current husband, who is my soul mate and best friend. In time, you will recover enough to start moving on with your life.

    So I know you feel at the moment like you will never have a life again or never be happy, but I can promise that you will be. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and if things are meant to work out with him, they will, and if they don't then I'm sure your 'one is out there waiting to be found.

    Good luck with everything.

  • Violet2017Violet2017 Posts: 186

    Thank you. I'm half contemplating sending him a photo of me in my wedding dress just to seal the coffin. How petty am I! Ha. I'm sure he will regret this decision a few months down the line and I need to be strong enough to say NOPE

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