Sister is doing my head in

hi everyone, I don't know if I'm after advice or just here to vent. 

im getting married may 2017 and we are having a small wedding down in cornwall. My sister has recently had a baby so i spoke to her about my niece being a flower girl (she will be 1yrs old) and that I wouldn't have her as a bridesmaid as she will have her hands full with the baby and i will need her to walk her down the aisle for me anyway. My sister was fine with this at the time. 

Since then she's opened up to a close family friend about being really upset that she's not a bridesmaid. I've got my 2 oldest school friends as BMs. Now as I didn't want her to be upset I asked her if she would be a witness for us so she will still be involved.... She said she would think about it.... Then on reflection I realised as she was going to be walking my niece down the aisle anyway she might as well be a bridesmaid too, but her priority will be her daughter and the other girls will be there to help me. Again shes being funny about it all. 

Fastforward to last week. Me and my mum went dress shopping. Surprisingly I found my perfect wedding dress and me and my mum were buzzing. I decided to treat my mum to lunch as she had just purchased my dress for me. My sister was at my mums watching mums dogs and caring for her 7 week old. My mum phoned her and said we were going for lunch and my sister went nuts about not being invited. My mum told her to stop it and we would see her soon. When we got home sister was ignoring us then went in to this huge tantrum, shouting and crying and basically being a brat. I left. I was pretty pissed off she ruined the special day I had with my mum but what could I do. 

Now a few days ago we were all at my mums. We were talking weddings and my sister started dictating that she "wasn't wearing this" and being very negative about the whole thing.

Once again i left as was so pissed off with her  after I went my mum went mental at her telling her she's self centred and needs to realise it's not all about her for once  my mum has said that she needs to consider whether her and her family want to be a part of the wedding as she's being so negative  

My sister is self centred and doesn't see past herself. I just want her to be interested in the wedding but she's just had the past 18months being all about her as she got married last year then found out she was pregnant a few days after the wedding so it's been all about her. 

 

I dont know know how much longer I can keep my mouth shut. I don't want to fall out with her as I don't want her to be a brat and stop me seeing my niece (I live and hour and a half away from my family so any time I get is precious) 

 

just never thought it would would be my sister being a pain in the arse. Sorry it's long, just needed to vent lol 

Posts

  • OKCharlieOKCharlie Posts: 145

    Is this out of character for her? I just wonder if any of thlid is part of her being a new mum, going through a huge life change- or is this usual behaviour for her? If it's out of character for her, then I would give her some slack. Maybe spend some time together not thinking about the wedding or making wedding plans. Shes adjusting to a new life and identity as a mother and might just need some time for things to settle 

  • Lexi90Lexi90 Posts: 971

    I was wondering whether it was her hormones too- I can imagine with a new born she must be very tired too.

    When I started reading I was thinking that someone would have to carry the 1 year old anyway. I think maybe you just where possible leave her out of bits for now. Ask your mum to not mention it. I know it's difficult but I would prefer that than an argument about everything.

    You could sit her down and just have a calm chat (one day when your not doing wedding stuff already) and ask her how she wanted to be involved- you could explain you just felt she wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid like you said because of her daughter.

    I must admit I had a dilemma over whether to ask my sister as I'm having her little girl as a flower girl, but I quickly decided she would probably be offended if I didn't and I wouldn't not want to include her! 

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218

    Thanks ladies. Unfortunately this is normal for her. shes always been self centred and now everyone else is seeing it. We brought our first house last year and any conversation about the house was turned back on to her and her wedding. It sounds silly but we have a group whatsapp between me, my mum and sister and she always ignores anything I post or just says somethjng about herself instead. This has been going on for years unfortunately. 

  • I get why she feels excluded... Your reason for not having her be a bm is because she will have her hands full with your niece and walking her down the aisle, HOWEVER, she could essentially still have been a bm. I'm not too sure how you were planning on having your bm arranged in the church, but based on the weddings I have attended, they sit during the ceremony so her having to tend to your niece wouldn't have been as big of a problem as you may have thought. Besides, a family member could have easily looked after her. Now, while your sister initially agreed to this; it was probably done more to appease you and not seem like a brat, but as time has gone on she hasn't been able to control her disappointed at not being involved, hence her arguments and tantrums about other things that seem minute and irrelevant. Believe it or not she is hurt. Admittedly she is not going about things in the right way but imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. From the outside, it appears as though she feels as though she is being penalised for having a baby (at least that's my interpretation)

     

    And while you did end up asking her, it was secondary. Just think to yourself, how much did she involve you in her day? Aslo WHY have you not said anything to her?

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218

    I do understand that. Ive spoken with her and said that I realised I was wrong but at the time we thought it was right. Ive apologised to her and that is all I can do. 

    Shes entitled to be upset but thmis has been addressed and we've moved on from it, or so I thought. 

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218

    I was actually pretty excluded from anything to do with her wedding. She had a "wedding committe" who took over everything. I tried to help but was pretty much outside it all, probably due to the fact I live an hour and a half away from my family. I have spoken to her about it all. 

    I've apologised and that is all I can do. Like I said, at the time we discussed it and it made sense to us all. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and i realise the error of my ways. But does that mean she can punish me for the next 11 months? 

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    This is a tough one without knowing you or your sister or your relationship with each other but I can kind of see both sides.

    I think the whole BM thing was a rather hurtful thing to do and there wasn't really any need to not include her as she would have needed to walk down the aisle anyway with your niece, maybe this should have been dealt with differently and with a bit more thought - but as you say - it has been addressed and you have apologised.

    I think the dress shopping without her was pretty unavoidable, you didn't know you were going to find the one on that day and of course you wanted to celebrate with your mum, I think that is fair but at the same time (if it was me) I would have picked my sister up along the way to all go and celebrate over lunch and then told her about the dress or arranged to take her (but if you have seen any of my threads in the past my sister is the most important person in my life so that may be different for me)

    She shouldn't be excluding you and she shouldn't be dis-interested in your wedding - that isn't really fair - were you interested in hers? is she an older or younger sister?

    I think you need to sit down the two of you and say that you want her included and you value her opinions and would like to be able to come to her with ideas and that you want her input - maybe she isn't sure what you are expecting from her? maybe because of the way she is (a little self-centred) she is being conscious not to take over and be too much? you just don't know? I think you need to clear the air and talk it all through xx

     

     

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    Couldn't you just get her the BM dress and be done with it? For a £100-ish, it would seem a small price to pay to preserve the relationship and family peace. I get it that it isn't right for her to dictate who your BMs are...but I think I honestly would have felt a little left out too, as if my participation was an after-thought, especially in that you were already literally asking me to walk down the aisle (with the little one). I would feel like you want my child involved in your ceremony for the "cuteness element" that it brings to your day...but not me and I would be a little hurt. I get it that you didn't mean it that way, but I think initially it may have come across this way.

    I'm not saying that your sister isn't self-centered. It certainly sounds like she is. But maybe she does feel a little hurt...and maybe her hormones are out of sorts right now...and maybe she is feeling like she's lost her identity as a woman to her new role as mum (re-enforced by situations like you asking for her daughter to have a role and not her initially)...so maybe a little compromise and the purchase of another dress is in order to smooth things out.

    I would like to add that if she is a witness or any other guest/ role for the day other than BM, you don't get to dictate what she wears. Her comments about "[not] wearing this" are justified. I'm going through something similar currently - someone close to me doesn't want me to be a BM but still thinks they have a say in what I wear to the wedding. Unless it's a blanket dress code for all guests - not happening!

    I hope you won't take my comments as being unsupportive - I would just encourage you to try to see things from another angle, and maybe see if working towards a simple, peaceful resolution might be better long term for both of you, over holding your ground.

  • Dora3 wrote (see post):

    I was actually pretty excluded from anything to do with her wedding. She had a "wedding committe" who took over everything. I tried to help but was pretty much outside it all, probably due to the fact I live an hour and a half away from my family. I have spoken to her about it all. 

    I've apologised and that is all I can do. Like I said, at the time we discussed it and it made sense to us all. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and i realise the error of my ways. But does that mean she can punish me for the next 11 months? 

    Well then you are entitled to exclude her then... Not in a tit for tat way but on the principles she is being unreasonable... I initially thought you were being a little bit "bridezillaish" (I hate that word) but now I see it's HER. You'll have to tell her it's either she gets rid of her attitude or she is OUT. 

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218

    Thank you very much. I'm not taking them as hurtful comments at all, you have to expect opinions when you post so publicly lol. 

    She is going to be a BM and I've said I will purchase her dress and pay for her hair and make up. It's the bridesmaid dress she was saying she wouldn't wear this and that etc. 

    Ot was my sister that mentioned my niece being a flower girl when she found out she was having a girl, which we would love and she was excited about that. I know I could of handled it differently and I was wrong to exclude her from the start. I've slapped my own wrist for this and like I've said I've spoken to her and apologised. I just wish she would drop it now. 

     

    My my sister is two years older than me and we are complete opposites. I wouldn't say we have the closest relationship but she is my sister and I love her to pieces still. She just frustrates the hell out of me. 

    When we purchased our house it took her 9 months to come and see it And show any interest in it. i wasn't involved heavily on her wedding, but that wasn't for the want of trying. 

    i actually feel like a complete bitch now. I know I did Wrong but I can't change that. We've sat down and spoke but thins never change. I don't know :,-(

     

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218
    Soon To Be Mrs Carberry wrote (see post):
    Dora3 wrote (see post):

    I was actually pretty excluded from anything to do with her wedding. She had a "wedding committe" who took over everything. I tried to help but was pretty much outside it all, probably due to the fact I live an hour and a half away from my family. I have spoken to her about it all. 

    I've apologised and that is all I can do. Like I said, at the time we discussed it and it made sense to us all. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and i realise the error of my ways. But does that mean she can punish me for the next 11 months? 

    Well then you are entitled to exclude her then... Not in a tit for tat way but on the principles she is being unreasonable... I initially thought you were being a little bit "bridezillaish" (I hate that word) but now I see it's HER. You'll have to tell her it's either she gets rid of her attitude or she is OUT. 

    Lol that did make me giggle lol. 

    I mean she had a small registry office wedding. I was her BM but she picked out my BM (summer dress) without me being there and told me I had to wear it. I wasn't allowed to do her hen do and I basically did as I was told. Now I understand that I was her BM and that was kind of her to ask me and so I can see where I was wrong with asking her as an after thought. But she is being so negative about my wedding. I want her included and I did mess things up by not asking her. I just feel so crappy and  guilty as i have caused this but to be honest I feel she would be acting the same even if I had asked her straight away. 

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Oh no don't feel like you are in the wrong or like you are a b*tch you aren't at all!!

    I can see more clearly where you are coming from now and it sounds like maybe she is a little jealous of you? could she maybe be a little jealous?

    Now you have explained why you had your niece as FG it kind of sounds like that was your sisters plan for her daughter rather than yours as well....although I know you are happy with this choice it doesn't really sound like it was your thinking more maybe you were told.....??

    I agree with you hun, maybe you don't need her involvement as such but you'd just like her to stop the negativity towards your day and put on a smile when you are around. You don't want to tip toe around someone when you are excited! if things don't change then I think you do just need to get on with your day without her input, it sounds like you have the support from your mum so be happy and excited with her and don't treat your sister in the way that she is treating you, be the bigger person and enjoy your quality time with your little niece.

    As for BM dresses, well, I personally don't think the BM get a say - as long as they don't look horrendous they can all wear the damn dress they are given it isn't their day! my BM's didn't get the choice LOL!  xxxx

     

     

  • Don't feel crappy! Long story short, me and my sister are VERY close (despite there being a 7 year gap between us). She is a PM by trade, and although a bm, I felt excluded from a lot, she even made someone else her MOH which put my nose out of joint. It wasn't that I expected certain treatment, but let's just say it caused a MAJOR rift. It got to a point where I stopped calling and messaging her because I can be VERY petty when I'm ready (and for lack of a better word) I thought phuk her. I HATED my bm dress (which I HAD to pay for - along with hair and do my own makeup) - I had to help my mum get ready in the morning so I'm not in any of the bm pictures at the hotel. Long story short, my sister was a bitch. She micromanaged so much of her wedding that she didn't realise how much she excluded the family. Even me and my mum confided in each other about it because to certain levels it felt as though she was just saying turn up and accept what I say. That's probably why this post hit home because I know what it's like to feel excluded. 

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218
    MrsG2bxx wrote (see post):

    Oh no don't feel like you are in the wrong or like you are a b*tch you aren't at all!!

    I can see more clearly where you are coming from now and it sounds like maybe she is a little jealous of you? could she maybe be a little jealous?

    Now you have explained why you had your niece as FG it kind of sounds like that was your sisters plan for her daughter rather than yours as well....although I know you are happy with this choice it doesn't really sound like it was your thinking more maybe you were told.....??

    I agree with you hun, maybe you don't need her involvement as such but you'd just like her to stop the negativity towards your day and put on a smile when you are around. You don't want to tip toe around someone when you are excited! if things don't change then I think you do just need to get on with your day without her input, it sounds like you have the support from your mum so be happy and excited with her and don't treat your sister in the way that she is treating you, be the bigger person and enjoy your quality time with your little niece.

    As for BM dresses, well, I personally don't think the BM get a say - as long as they don't look horrendous they can all wear the damn dress they are given it isn't their day! my BM's didn't get the choice LOL!  xxxx

     

     

    my mum thinks she's jealous. She did the wedding and baby thing, where as we did the buying a house then wedding. Which is fine. we think she's jealous of us owning our own home but I've spoken to her and said that there's no right or wrong way of doing it. She wanted the wedding and the baby and that's great. But we wanted our own home first. There's no right or wrong way, as long as it makes you happy. Her wedding was great and so fitting for them. A small registry office then big party at my parents house with a live band and marquee and was Awsome. Ours is in a hotel with the ceremony in a grand hall which is stunning. We are having been a  

    i think since my mum has spoken to her that she's making more of an effort, how long it will last god knows lol. 

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218
    Soon To Be Mrs Carberry wrote (see post):

    Don't feel crappy! Long story short, me and my sister are VERY close (despite there being a 7 year gap between us). She is a PM by trade, and although a bm, I felt excluded from a lot, she even made someone else her MOH which put my nose out of joint. It wasn't that I expected certain treatment, but let's just say it caused a MAJOR rift. It got to a point where I stopped calling and messaging her because I can be VERY petty when I'm ready (and for lack of a better word) I thought phuk her. I HATED my bm dress (which I HAD to pay for - along with hair and do my own makeup) - I had to help my mum get ready in the morning so I'm not in any of the bm pictures at the hotel. Long story short, my sister was a bitch. She micromanaged so much of her wedding that she didn't realise how much she excluded the family. Even me and my mum confided in each other about it because to certain levels it felt as though she was just saying turn up and accept what I say. That's probably why this post hit home because I know what it's like to feel excluded. 

    Aww that sounds familiar. My mums friend organised her hen do. I was like, "that's my job!!!" And just got to "tuff she's doing it" I hated my dress too. I'm not an overly girlie girl and it was a floral number. Everyone said I looked lovely but i didn't feel comfortable in it. As the party was at my mums I got changed in to denim shorts and a vest top as soon as I was given permission to  so 😂

    Mil sorry you were excluded from your sisters wedding so much. I see why she was upset feeling left out 

  • Sophie177Sophie177 Posts: 190

    i actually think your sister needs to stop being a brat (imho!)  Its YOUR wedding, and as such she doesnt actually have any 'right' to be in the wedding party.  Its YOURS and your H2Bs choice what, if any, part she will play.  if she cant be grown up about it, she should be a guest and thats it.  its not like you'll have nothing else to worry about during the planning!

    I wasnt a bridesmaid at either my brother or sisters weddings.  At my brothers I did a reading, and at my sisters i was in sole charge of pressing 'play' on the CD player for the music they walked out to!  I wasnt upset about not having any bigger role in their days, i was happy they had found their life partners, and reveled in that.

    i know i might sound harsh, but i've found we need to stand up to people who can be a diva when its not even their day.  being invited should be honour enough!  I do agree with the girls above howveer, and think you should sit down calmly one day with your sister and explain stuff to her, how her behaviour is making you feel

    only my thoughts, for what they're worth.  hope you get it sorted

    x

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218
    Sophie177 wrote (see post):

    i actually think your sister needs to stop being a brat (imho!)  Its YOUR wedding, and as such she doesnt actually have any 'right' to be in the wedding party.  Its YOURS and your H2Bs choice what, if any, part she will play.  if she cant be grown up about it, she should be a guest and thats it.  its not like you'll have nothing else to worry about during the planning!

    I wasnt a bridesmaid at either my brother or sisters weddings.  At my brothers I did a reading, and at my sisters i was in sole charge of pressing 'play' on the CD player for the music they walked out to!  I wasnt upset about not having any bigger role in their days, i was happy they had found their life partners, and reveled in that.

    i know i might sound harsh, but i've found we need to stand up to people who can be a diva when its not even their day.  being invited should be honour enough!  I do agree with the girls above howveer, and think you should sit down calmly one day with your sister and explain stuff to her, how her behaviour is making you feel

    only my thoughts, for what they're worth.  hope you get it sorted

    x

     

    Thankyou. My H2Bs sister isn't a bridesmaid and she's not kicked up a fuss lol. We are asking her to be a witness and also do a reading for us so she's involved too.

    My sister has now been offered a BM role and has been told that its up to her if she's involved or not. She's just sent me pictures of ideas for hair so that's a good sign lol. Fingers crossed she stops being a brat and we can all enjoy the wedding planning together 

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