Feeling like a failure

Hello all,

I'm really feeling blue at the moment and everyone on this forum is so good at supporting each other, I was hoping someone could help me out with some words of wisdom!

I've just moved home from 4 months abroad to find that the person who ad sub-let my room had turned my house into a pigsty; I've been cleaning for 4 days straight and I'm still nowhere near happy :(

My housemate, who is well-known for being passive-aggressive, has been making my life miserable with snide comments - she's only got 8 weeks left in the house so I thought it would be ok but I've been in the same house as her for 2 nights and she's already stressing me out.

My finances are completely at the mercy of student finance England (SFE) which is a ridiculously ineffective, capricious organisation that regularly withdraws funding at the drop of a hat. I actually start shaking when a letter comes through the door from them because they have messed me around so much.

After 4 months in different countries I thought I'd finally get to be a proper family with my OH - but as he is posted 5 hours away he commutes Fridays and Sundays and lives in the mess all week - this would be fine if I didn't work 2 weekends in 4 and spend the other 2 frantically trying to get on top of housework and my schoolwork for the next week.

I've got exams in 6 weeks and I'm super-panicky about them; they are re-sits as my step-dad passed away the week of the originals and, in a confused, grief-induced daze I refused any mitigating circumstances or offers of support from the Uni so I get one last chance and if I fail I get kicked out. The problem is, how on earth am I supposed to revise when I have got so much other stuff that I am supposed to be doing?! Plus, my housemate severely impacted my revision last time with her selfishness (noise, stropping off, generally creating a negative atmosphere) and I'm worried about that happening again. It's not even like I can speak to her about it - she is just impossible to have a normal conversation with.

Whilst I was away one of my cats injured himself badly and due to incompetence by a professional and ignorance by the person looking after him (not at all their fault they have no specialist knowledge and believed the professional) he was in pain for 3 weeks before undergoing a huge operation and now has a permanent limp. One of my rabbits has put on loads of weight due to poor management (she is greedy and supposed to be on a diet but my mum gives into the "I'm hungry" look). All of this is NOT AT ALL the fault of the people looking after them - it is MY fault, I was the one who went off to study abroad, I feel like I've abandoned them and that I am a terrible owner, I feel so guilty.

I also feel so guilty because my partner lives away all the time, he has terrible signal where he is so phone calls are always frustrating, short and full of "what? I can't hear you... What's going on?" I feel like I should be more supportive of him but I get so frustrated and I'm pretty miserable in the house so the conversations always turn into me complaining (just like I am now!)

Basically, I feel guilty all the time. I feel guilty that I'm not a good enough owner, not a good enough girlfriend, not a good enough student, not clever enough, not fit enough, I feel guilty for not thinking about my step-dad enough but when I think about him and get sad I then feel guilty because it's been 3 months and I've 2 friends who have lost grandparents since then so I should buck up and be a support for them...... etc etc etc. I even feel guilty for wasting your time for the length of this post!

I hope someone has some bright ideas about this, because I'm at my wits' end. Thanks for reading!

Posts

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    You poor thing - how could you not be a your witt's end?  You have enough on your plate to sink the Titanic. 

    I think I really feel for you because I find myself in a similar spot - different sets of problems here, but so many of them that I have taken to having anxiety attacks, something I've never experienced until relatively recently.  My life has felt so out of control that I just recently decided to start talk therapy. I don't know if that is an option for you, but I felt like I was really starting to lose control of everything and that it was no longer fair to unload my emotional baggage on the very few (as in 2) people in my life who would listen (one who is often part of the problem, actually/ unfortunately). I don't know if this is an option for you, but it might feel good to vent to someone, someone other than your family/friends/OH.

    What I can tell you is that you need to go easy on yourself. Yes, you are an adult and have created (some) of the situations you are in - but many of the things that are happening are beyond out of your control. You can't make your housemate be less of a pig. You aren't responsible for the death in your family. You can't make wedding planning any cheaper or easier. You can't fix the poor cellular reception where your OH is.  Etc, etc.  Be more kind to yourself, hun. While there are certain things in our lives we can control, there is a lot more that we can't, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it.

    If you can, sit down somewhere quiet (even if it's out of the house somewhere) and try and make a list. Make a list of the thing/ things you must do first. Perhaps it's studying for the re-takes on your exams. Then write a plan to make it happen to the best, fullest of your ability. Maybe if it's the exams, it means studying somewhere other than at home (inconvenient yes, but maybe a necessity). Maybe coming up with another way to communicate with your OH is a top priority, because he is part of your support system, and you need support right now. Just stick with the things that have to be done this month. Small pieces will seem more manageable than big pieces.

    While it's undoubtedly on your mind, cleaning the house and wedding planning may need to take a backseat to the other items you prioritize - and that's ok. You will have a chance to circle back 'round to them, by and by. 

    As June wraps up, do the exercise again, for July. What absolutely must be done in your month of July?  Write up the top few items and how to make it happen.

    Do try to pencil in some "me time," even if it's something small like a hot bubble bath (after you've cleaned the yuck-yuck bathtub and maybe with earbuds in to block out the housemate's noise!!)  When you feel especially stressed out, stop what you are doing and BREATHE. Focus on your breathing and block out everything else in your mind. (If you are at home, I highly recommend doing the child's pose from yoga - it's very comforting).  Give yourself a few moments to re-center before giving life a go again. Force yourself to take 15 minutes here and there to make your favourite cup of tea, etc. Don't neglect yourself - be kind to yourself right now.

    You are not an inadequate student, lover, daughter, housemate, etc. You are simply an overwhelmed one. Do what you can a little at a time and don't be so harsh on yourself. Eventually, little by little, things will pass and your life will settle down. 

    Hang in there, hun. xx

     

     

  • Kim90Kim90 Posts: 183

    Hey...calm down...

    sometimes we all feel like life is spiralling out of control...and we are just holding on for dear life!

    i knew you would get some wise words from kitten! She is right

     It is a good thing to write down a list of priorities...what is essential To you?  Does that school work have to be in next day?. Or do you need to go to the doctor/dentist etc...plan when to visit friends and family get a diary sorted...but don't try to put too much onto yourself...what is reasonable. Clearly you can't decorate your house in a day...but you can set a target of a wall at the weekend, an essay by the end of the week  And make them achievable....

    for the pets...the damage is kind of done..hey bunny is fatter  ...you left instructions and it went a little wrong, a diet from now on will put that right! No problem

     Horrible thought that your cat could have been n pain, but I'm sure the person looking after it did not intend to put your  poor peg through pain, he/she seems better now..move on.  No problem

     As for your housemate...u have 8 weeks left...think...there is an end! Try to keep out of her way and just agree with those snide comments, what's the point of putting yourself through the stress!

     I often get myself in this pain situation,I work in schools and get 6 weeks off at summer...yes I know I'm lucky!

    but sadly I think I can do so much in those six weeks...decorate one or two rooms..clean the oven meet friends and family, take the kids out sort the garden, have some shopping days treat myself to a spa etc etc...

    it never all fits on then I get upset and beat myself up for it! Now I try to be realistic...yes! The oven must be cleaned but if the decorating gets done that's a bonus 

    I hope this helps, you are not alone! Kim x

    btw...the ipad gets stuck...I have found an emoji works to carry on!,, 

  • Sarah398Sarah398 Posts: 266

    Hey Miaow8690,

    I agree with all that the other 2 ladies have written.  You need to stop feeling so guilty about the things outside of your control. 

    I recently saw a poster for mental health with these words "Water doesn't sink the ship, its the water that gets inside the ship that makes it sink".

    Try to get some perspective on those things not in your control.  You can make better with the pets & I am sure they are very happy your home now.

    I think you should prioritise things as well, as you have so much going on you cant feasibly fix everything right now, you may have to except this.  Diarise things, it will help when you see things getting ticked off your list 1 by 1.

    With regards to the studying, I also agree with Kim90 about going somewhere else to do it.  I go to the local library & study when I need to get away & concentrate.  I find the atmostphere is really condusive to studying & it helps me gather my thoughts.

    Gook Luck xx

  • Jenni8Jenni8 Posts: 3,201

    Aww you poor thing. You have had some excellent advice here and I agree with what the ladies have said. 

    1. Make your priorities and stick with them. Yes the next 8 weeks isn't going to be ideal, and it may take some time to repair what has gone wrong in this time (i.e. overweight bunny) but YOU WILL GET THERE. 

    2. It appears to me that this study you are doing is your absolute priority. This is your last chance at this (?) and by passing your exams you are setting yourself up in the long-term for a fab career so try to focus on this. I second going to the library. Yes it is an inconvenience but actually I love going to the library as said above, the environment is perfect for studying and you will leave feeling pleased with what you have produced despite the potential mess you are going back to. This may even be enough to give you the strength to overcome the mess and housemate.

    3. Try to let go of the cleaning - it is not important at this point, for your mental health. Just let it be what it is an live with it for 8 weeks. It isn't long and will go quick judging by the amount of other stuff you have on.

    4. Your partner is also a priority - try and stay so busy during the week that when you have him around, focus on him and solely on him with no other distractions. You may well need to leave your house to do this. Or just stay in your room. Is it possible for you to spend a couple of hours focusing your efforts in making your room as nice as possible so that you enjoy spending the next 8 weeks there. Maybe get a kettle/mini-fridge so that you do not need to leave it quite so often - sounds drastic but creating a cosy study/love nest might be enough to get you through 2 months. 

    5. Try and take 15-20 mins a day relaxing. Download a hyponosis/relaxation MP3 from the computer and listen to it as you are falling asleep or something - it may help take the edge off your stress levels.

    Think positively and you will get through this. You are not a failure, just think how proud of yourself you will be when you come out the other side of this as a stronger person. You may feel inadequate now but know that you are not failing, but you have a host of mitigating circumstances limiting you at the moment. The fact you are feeling like this shows you care and will come out the other side a better person more able to be the better owner/girlfriend/student (hopefully graduate)/homeowner that you know that you want to be. 

    Take it a week at a time. You will get through this.

  • TC2017TC2017 Posts: 69

    I'm sorry you're under so much stress Miaow8690.

    I'm not sure I can add anything to the above, they are all amazingly supportive with good sound advice, I have so much respect for all those who have answered.

    Take care and look after yourself, and I hope with the above measures things will start to come back into balance bit by bit.

     

     

  • Miaow8690Miaow8690 Posts: 298

    Thank you so much for your words of advice and support everyone. I have taken them on board and made some changes. I have cut down my responsibilities outside of my degree by halving the number of extra-curricular things I do. I have made my partner a priority and this weekend we have really been close and it is lovely. i have also prioritised my work and am pleased with my progress. 

    Im still worried about things and there are stop stresses but I know I can come on here and read this thread any time I like to find support. I knew I could count on you! Thank you all!!!!! 

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    I can completely relate to this. I spent six years studying for my degree in English Literature. During that time I was working, I renovated my house, I was a mum to one daughter and had my second daughter during my third heard (I submitted my end of year work 12 hours before she was delivered), 

    However, I also suffered from post natal depression, was left with the children/house/work when my ex partner left me (he was so supportive...not), and had I breakdown as a result. 

    Hitting rock bottom was awful. I spent the remainder of my degree balancing everything while I studied. 

    Prioritise your degree my lovely and spend time with your h2b when you can. Don't feel guilty, your degree will be an amazing achievement. Have a moan here whenever you need to if it's helps. 

Sign In or Register to comment.