Feeling like a failure
I'm really feeling blue at the moment and everyone on this forum is so good at supporting each other, I was hoping someone could help me out with some words of wisdom!
I've just moved home from 4 months abroad to find that the person who ad sub-let my room had turned my house into a pigsty; I've been cleaning for 4 days straight and I'm still nowhere near happy
My housemate, who is well-known for being passive-aggressive, has been making my life miserable with snide comments - she's only got 8 weeks left in the house so I thought it would be ok but I've been in the same house as her for 2 nights and she's already stressing me out.
My finances are completely at the mercy of student finance England (SFE) which is a ridiculously ineffective, capricious organisation that regularly withdraws funding at the drop of a hat. I actually start shaking when a letter comes through the door from them because they have messed me around so much.
After 4 months in different countries I thought I'd finally get to be a proper family with my OH - but as he is posted 5 hours away he commutes Fridays and Sundays and lives in the mess all week - this would be fine if I didn't work 2 weekends in 4 and spend the other 2 frantically trying to get on top of housework and my schoolwork for the next week.
I've got exams in 6 weeks and I'm super-panicky about them; they are re-sits as my step-dad passed away the week of the originals and, in a confused, grief-induced daze I refused any mitigating circumstances or offers of support from the Uni so I get one last chance and if I fail I get kicked out. The problem is, how on earth am I supposed to revise when I have got so much other stuff that I am supposed to be doing?! Plus, my housemate severely impacted my revision last time with her selfishness (noise, stropping off, generally creating a negative atmosphere) and I'm worried about that happening again. It's not even like I can speak to her about it - she is just impossible to have a normal conversation with.
Whilst I was away one of my cats injured himself badly and due to incompetence by a professional and ignorance by the person looking after him (not at all their fault they have no specialist knowledge and believed the professional) he was in pain for 3 weeks before undergoing a huge operation and now has a permanent limp. One of my rabbits has put on loads of weight due to poor management (she is greedy and supposed to be on a diet but my mum gives into the "I'm hungry" look). All of this is NOT AT ALL the fault of the people looking after them - it is MY fault, I was the one who went off to study abroad, I feel like I've abandoned them and that I am a terrible owner, I feel so guilty.
I also feel so guilty because my partner lives away all the time, he has terrible signal where he is so phone calls are always frustrating, short and full of "what? I can't hear you... What's going on?" I feel like I should be more supportive of him but I get so frustrated and I'm pretty miserable in the house so the conversations always turn into me complaining (just like I am now!)
Basically, I feel guilty all the time. I feel guilty that I'm not a good enough owner, not a good enough girlfriend, not a good enough student, not clever enough, not fit enough, I feel guilty for not thinking about my step-dad enough but when I think about him and get sad I then feel guilty because it's been 3 months and I've 2 friends who have lost grandparents since then so I should buck up and be a support for them...... etc etc etc. I even feel guilty for wasting your time for the length of this post!
I hope someone has some bright ideas about this, because I'm at my wits' end. Thanks for reading!