Getting really update about future MIL

Hello,

As a lot of people do I have future MIL problems. Basically, from the day we got engaged she started getting obsessed with a dress to wear for our wedding and went out and bought one before even considering if we wanted an input or what my mum would be wearing. So we mentioned that we'd like to see it (and it's a white, long dress) so we told her we would rather her not wear white and that it may be worth waiting to see what my mother wears so they can plan it together-this resulted in so much drama! My mum, completely innocently suggests they go shopping together so they can make sure not to clash with each other or the bridesmaids, well future MIL took this the wrong way completely because she does not like my mum and feels intimidated by her (my mum, looks very young for her age and dresses a bit more fashionable) and future MIL basically hung the phone up on my mum and never called her back and then lied to me saying my mum told her horrible things and gave her a “list of things she is and isn’t allowed to wear” (I should say, I heard my mum on the phone call so I know this DID NOT happen but when I told future MIL this she ignored me and hung up)...she thinks my mom is demanding and controlling and the other day my future FIL actually made a joke to me directly asking if my mum is still controlling the wedding. Anyway, he apologised, I had a small go at his mum because she won’t say anything but her face says it all and she just hates my mother (completely unjustified) and won't listen when we explain mum has done nothing wrong. Anyway, this dress thing keeps coming back and she is asking me what she is “allowed” to wear. My ONLY things are not the same exact colour as my mum (who doesn't have her final dress), or the same colour as a bridesmaids, or white. Is this unreasonable?

Every time I explain this to her she freaks out and panics which stresses me out. She refuses to even to speak to my mother about it, our wedding will be very formal with my mum wearing a floor length gown but future MIL is just making it stressful, at one point my future FIL turned and said to me “So, does this mean she can get a dress she wants now?” when I explained that my mother IS NOT controlling our wedding. I just thought, if everyone is formal then it’d be nice for my MIL to be in a similar outfit and not stick out in pictures but I think I should just say, wear whatever you want and tell my mum to work around. My mum has a dress that she is 90% sure she will wear, its navy and future MIL thought she should get the exact same colour which I just think will look silly. I’m not trying to be controlling but I just think what both mothers wear is important. But now I should just say wear whatever you want just not white, Navy or the bridesmaids colour. Is that too controlling for me to say?

 

It’s not until May and I haven’t even picked my dress out! What do I do? I’m getting so upset with the way my in-laws think about my mother, (there is so much more going on, including money and judgments on who “should” pay). Also, my future MIL is the type of women who displays whatever she thinks through expressions on her face, when she was invited to my mums house she looked around and kept rolling her eyes, I worry about how she will act at our wedding because her expressions can be very insulting and she doesn’t even realise she is doing it! Sorry for the long rant, been bottling it up for months and I actually snapped at future MIL yesterday which caused a massive fight between her and husband to be L

Posts

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,965 New bride

    Sounds like a very dificult situation. I think you need to step back from it completley and let your H2B handle it, seeing as it's his mother, and you aren't getting anywhere.

    I know it may be a bit late, but to be honest I wouldn't try and dictate her outfit beyond 'not white' and 'not the same as the BMs' if that's really important to you- but is anyone going to mistake her for a BM? Doubt it. By telling her 'not navy' as that's what your mother is thinking of getting, perhaps in her eyes you are putting her last and letting your own mother choose a colour first. Seeing as your own mother hasn't even bought her dress yet maybe this is going a bit far in terms of dictating what she wears.

    You may think it's important what the mothers wear, but the day isn't about them, and I doubt you'll care on the day if they both happen to be wearing navy or aren't in a very formal gown. I don't think you're being unreasonable- there are plenty of mother in laws out there who are as sweet as pie and would let you completley pick out their outfit. But it sounds like she isn't one of those, so maybe try and tone down the restrictions. I'd just tell her 'no white' and let her get on with it. If she stands out on the day then it's her that will feel uncomfortable, not you.

  • MrsM16MrsM16 Posts: 316 New bride

    I think everyone will have a completely different opinion on this. And I don't suppose there is a right or wrong.

    I personally don't agree with telling anyone what they should wear (I picked dresses with my BM's  but that's it).  I also personally don't care what colours people wear - even white or ivory, although I can see why this would be a problem to some people.

    I also don't understand why your Mum and MIL needed to shop together either... but that's just my personal opinion.  I don't blame you for maybe not wanting her to wear white, but other than that, I don't know what you would need to have an input in anyone's clothing choice?  But I could be in the minority with this thinking.

    As for them not getting on, sorry to hear that. I hope the wedding perhaps brings everyone closer together.

    I hope it gets resolved for you.  Don't stress.  It should be a happy time. X

     

     

  • PengAlyPengAly Posts: 26

    HI,

    I should clarify a few points. The going shopping together thing was more of a way for my mum to get to know her better and just be friendly-she even said that on the phone but future MIL refused to actually speak to her and hung up. 

    Secondly, my mum already has her dress. She bought it a year ago but didn't have anywhere to wear it to. Sadly, she would feel uncomfortable in the same color as MIL so would go and buy another outfit if that were to happen. Sorry as I wasn't clear on this on my original post but thank you for your thoughts. 

    Any idea about what to do with her general behavior? the expressions and she keeps asking exactly how much my parents are financially helping with the wedding as she wants to outdo them plus she thinks my mum is controlling everythign when thats not happening and refuses to beleive me when I say the truth. 

  • JdotJJdotJ Posts: 196 New bride

    Personally, apart from saying "don't wear white" (which is completely understandable) I don't think you can tell anyone what they can or can't wear. Even saying not to wear the same colour as your mum i'd find a bit annoying to be honest. I really don't mean this badly, but I think this is one thing you can't control. I do however think it's a lovely idea your mum asking your future MIL to go shopping and would have been a nice way to get to know each other better, so her reaction is incredibly childish. 

    Jx

  • Lexi90Lexi90 Posts: 971

    I agree with everyone else - White and bridesmaids I get, but personally I wouldn't have told her what your mum was wearing or that she couldn't wear that colour. Maybe she feels your mum is controlling because you've said she can't wear the same colour as her. 

    I would just try and break the ice and move forward from this. Explain its not a competition between the parents and that its about you having a lovely day. I know easier said than done but I would try not to get too involved with her comments. Maybe explain your mum only suggested it as a way to get to know her not to control the situation. 

  • MrsDtoBMrsDtoB Posts: 100

    I agree with everyone above about just saying no white. I think you MIL probably feels like your mum is controlling everything because you are saying that she can't wear the same colour as her. Put yourself in her shoes... She probably feels unimportant and second best....

    My MIL was talking to me about going to get her outfit recently and it never even crossed my mind to tell her not to get the same colour as my mum (who already has her dress). 

    Both mums don't want to wear the same colour as the bridesmaids which is entirely their choice. If this is also really important to you then I think it's fine to ask this too but I think it's important that your MIL feels that you are asking her and not telling her... Im sure you're not but people view things differently. 

    I would really try and work on rebuilding the relationship because it's his mum and I would hate if my H2B didn't get on with my mum. However there are many people who will never get on with their MILs and if this is your situation then the best thing is to be civil and limit your interaction with her. 

  • PengAlyPengAly Posts: 26

    I don't know...she was really bad. She ASKED me what my mum was wearing so when I told her a long navy dress she went out and tried on  long Navy dresses and she DID send me pictures asking if I thought it was OK saying she thinks both mums should wear matching outfits. I didn't exactly go to her with a list of demands, she asked me what I thought and when I told her she got defensive. I don't think I've done anything wrong here, she also WANTED to wear a white dress and couldn't believe when we told her we would rather not. Surly, if she went out and purposely got the SAME color and style dress as she already knew my mum had and then asked me if it was okay I should be allowed to say? Nobody was making demands here and i'm not trying to control it. I just think its incredibly rude for her to ask me my thoughts and then jump down my throat and start talking badly about my mum when nobody has done anything wrong.

     

    I just can't get over the complete hatred MIL has for my mother who has done nothing wrong. She has invited her into her home, MIL went over and obviously rolled her eyes while looking the house up and down, she invited her to go shopping so they could get to know each other better, she ignored her and hung up the phone, she then phones me claiming my mother "bullied her and tried to force her to wear something she didn't want to wear", she talks to her family badly to the point that future Father in law made a joke about my mother IN FRONT OF ME. Its awful, my poor mum is sat terrified to help me with the wedding because she thinks everyone hates her when she has done nothing wrong. That's why this dress thing is stressful because future MIL purposely got a matching outfits, asked me and fiance it was okay and what we thought about her idea of matching and we told her we didn't like it so she then freaks out. I don't understand what I've done wrong???

  • Sarah398Sarah398 Posts: 266

    While reading all the posts I cant help thinking is the MIL just really insecure about herself which is causing her behaviour?  This is why I am thinking this:

    You already said that your mum is younger & more fashionable - good for you, you have a hot mum.  So maybe the MIL feels this too & thinks that beside your mum she will look like an old bat.  Maybe she doesn't have a clue about being fashionable but wants to be on your big day, so maybe she is trying to take cues from your mum?

    It sounds like she is a different personality from you and your mum completely.  You guys sounds like you like to face things head on, calling her up, offering the shopping trip etc. all in good will, I understand.  But if she is not like that & already insecure about being second or compared to your hot mum, then this might feel pushy to her & cue her defensive behaviour.

    What I would add is, I don't know any of you, this is just my thoughts as I read the posts.

    But you do have 2 mothers who are obviously looking forward to your big day, so try to remember this before you loose it with either of them.

    Lots of love & hugs xx

     

  • PottyPotty Posts: 527 New bride

    Woah, this is a hard position to be put in, i do feel for you! 

    I do think asking her not to wear white is completely acceptable on behalf of you and your OH, especially as you're having a formal wedding with ball gowns, I personally wouldn't appreciate it either.

    However, with the navy I don't think you can really have a say about (if she does decide to copy your mum) but I do completely agree with Sarah398 above.  I think she is insecure and maybe a little jealous of your mum so wants to be the same, so people can't make comparisons as such. It seems to me that she is really insecure and envious maybe of your mum, so is acting defensively and childlike in response.  

    My suggestion is...  Take your MIL out for a lunch or something just the 2 of you, and speak to her about your issues calmly, without mentioning your mum.  Offer to go shopping with her just the 2 of you if she wants to, and then she may feel a little more involved, and relax a little.  (Even though I appreciate you probably don't want to) I would also speak to your OH about his fathers jokes and tell him he needs to take a little responsibility with regards to his parents and set them straight.  It is very awkward and a lot harder to deal with issues with in laws for you than it would be for him.

    It's never easy dealing with MIL issues, (take it from someone who is having quite a lot of them atm, with my own wedding.) So I do wish you the best of luck with this!  Keep us updated! Good luck x

    Married September 2018, Baby due October 2019.  
  • PottyPotty Posts: 527 New bride

    Hi PengAly, was just wondering how things are going with MIL?   Have they improved at all?

    Married September 2018, Baby due October 2019.  
  • PengAlyPengAly Posts: 26

    Thank you everyone. Well, she had a MASSIVE freak out after the 2 of us had a little argument. We had apologized and moved on but then like 4 hours later she phones OH and just started shouting and comparing families and actually saying crazy things like she wants to take back the money she offered us and that apparently nobody wants her at the wedding blah blah. Got so bad that OH had to go to her house and basically tell her she is being very, very stupid. Eventually, she realized (After her mother phoned her up and told her she has to stop acting like that as it's ridiculous). I'm sorry but what grown woman still needs their mother to tell them to behave? Anyways, its apparently all over now (she told OH to tell me she would like to forget all that ever happened) and she is going to wear this peach, summery dress which doesn't match with anything which is fine. She has always really liked me and is basically just pretending nothing has happened and suggested we got for coffee which is good i guess. But she will always hate my family which is unfair because she see's them as "competition".

    Her previous behavior has put a damper on things and honestly, it has caused me to no longer want to invite her to wedding planning things. Originally, I was going to invite her to come wedding dress shopping with me and my mum (hadn't mention it yet) but I don't trust her behaviour enough to do that. Of course, I will be nice, friendly and still keep a good relationship with her but she showed her true colours that day when she phoned us up and started going crazy angry for no reason and that's still in the back of my mind. But for now, everything is better and no issues. 

  • MissNdMissNd Posts: 122 New bride

    I do agree with telling her not to wear white, I asked my aunt who was planning to wear white in the morning not to, and she wore it in the evening instead when I was wearing a different colour. 

    I do think your MIL isn't behaving the best though, but my MIL also acted very strange before the wedding. I think they have a lot of emotions going through their heads as they are the grooms mother and probably feel pushed out. The brides mother does usually have a huge part in weddings. 

    My MIL has been lovely now that the wedding is over.

    Before my wedding my SIL asked me what colours my bridesmaid and my side of the family were thinking of wearing and although at first she wanted to match, my mum wore pink and MIL wore navy blue and they both looked stunning :) 

     

    Hang in there x

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