I know i am in the wrong to feel this way but.....

I'm going to try and be really brief as this is a really long story and if you have ever read my planning thread all details are in there about this friend...

 

I have 2 best friends that I have grown up with Lucy and Alex, myself and Alex were bridesmaids at Lucy's wedding.  When Alex got married she didn't have any bridesmaids.

 

My wedding is in 9 months time and I haven't picked Lucy or Alex to be my bridesmaids....they were my first choice but when I got engaged Alex said that she would be happier as a regular guest, she was pregnant at the time with her 2nd & said she'd enjoy a day of no responsibility.  Lucy said that her and her hubby were trying for a baby and she wasn't sure if she would be pregnant at my wedding or during dress fittings etc. So we decided not to add any stress, they wouldn't be BM's & I was only going to have my sister, my little niece and Alex's oldest DD as my flower girl.

 

A few months pass and my OH asks 8 of his friends to be ushers which totally swamps out my tiny bridal party, so I decided to invite 2 of my other friends (still best friends of mine since I was a teenager) to be BM's - I didn't think this would be an issue.....Alex and Lucy were happy as anything to be guests!

 

I told them I had asked 2 friends to be BM's - Alex was fine, didn't bat an eyelid....Lucy burst into tears!! she threw a fit in the middle of the restaurant! we all left and I got home to 5 or 6 abusive text messages from her, telling me I was a liar and how could I do this to her, that she wouldn't watch me walk down the aisle unless she was involved! it was a heart breaking time and I told her she was no longer invited to the wedding and to not contact me again.

 

 

The texts kept coming, every day she messaged me to ask if I had told the other girls yet that they couldn't be BM's and told me I wasn't to have any BM's unless she was one of them, I told her 'you said you were TTC and that you didn't want the stress of my wedding' (her words exactly) she said that she would put TTC on hold if she was a BM but by this point I wasn't going to ask her out of principle - I don't believe you should act that way (we are all in our 30's)

 

 

 

So fast forward 6 months and things have now calmed down, our friendship isn't the same, but we are pleasant to one another and she is invited to the wedding as a guest - not that the invites have officially gone out yet!

 

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  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

     

    We are all meeting next weekend, Alex wants an afternoon of food and prosecco....I am up for that, however Lucy sent a message yesterday to say she will be driving because her and hubby are TTC and hoping to fall pregnant really soon…..meaning her due date will be…..u guessed it….my wedding!

     

     

     I guess I just find it so hurtful that she said that she would put TTC on hold if she was a BM but because she isn't involved my wedding is no longer a priority for her! this post is probably hard to see from my point of view because I haven't spoken much about Lucy's wedding and what I went through to give her the day of her dreams! I was her emotional support throughout the entire lead up - I paid for my dress, my hair, my shoes, my make-up, my alterations...because she expected me too (my bridal party are not paying for a thing btw, I am doing it all) I even planned and paid her share of the hen party, I made party bags for every girl that attended all while living with an abusive lazy ex who took me for every penny, the lead up to Lucy's wedding I was living on toast and by the time her wedding came round I was so unwell, I was hiding the fact I was being sick all throughout her wedding day and putting a smile on my face while running around behind her because even on her wedding day she was still crying, being abusive and ruining it for herself and I was trying so hard to keep her happy!!

     

    I guess because of this I just expected her to be supportive to me, not that I need support, we are pretty laid back, but I guess I just wanted her to care and wanted her to attend my wedding, she is the oldest friend I have, I just feel so let down but I cant exactly expect her to put her life on hold for my wedding can I so I cant say anything!

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,975 New bride

    I can see your side of this- and that she acted in a totally unreasonable way about the bridesmaid issue. However she said she would stop TTC if she was a bridesmaid- not if she was just a wedding guest. So I don't really know if you have any right to be upset about her TTC now? She's not your bridesmaid and she has a right to get on with her life and wanting to have a baby. There may be personal reasons as to why they want to try now and not wait. I appreciate you did a lot for her wedding, but she isn't a bridesmaid at yours- just a guest, so you can't really expect her to do as much for yours.

    It sounds like she is an important friend to you, and that she has made amends for the way she acted. The chances of her getting pregnant right away are fairly slim, so although she may be pregnant at your wedding, she probably won't be due right that day! Don't let this tear apart your friendship again.

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    This has posted twice and I don't know why!! :-\ so answering on both....

    No you're completely right and I don't expect her to put her life on hold not at all, I really hope that she does fall pregnant, there are no reasons as to why she needs to ttc now other than they want to, we have a very close relationship and she tells us things before she would even tell her hubby so there is nothing bad going on but they want a family.  She is very much 'what she wants she gets it' type of person.  I'm not for one moment expecting her not to have a baby, she has my full support, i guess i just thought she may acknowledge my wedding a bit and this just feels like another little stab because she isn't BM.

    The reason i feel so sad is because she is a bit of a drama queen, she has cut her hours down at work from full time 9-5 to only working Mondays-Wednesday 10-4 while they are ttc so that work doesn't stress her out (she is a receptionist in an office of 2 people) so that tells me once she finally is pregnant will she really be leaving the house - I'm terrified my best friend isn't going to attend my wedding, that's the real issue xx

     

  • @mrsg2bexx this is always a thorny issue and you are not in the wrong to feel the way you do!

    We brides always need to remember our world may revolve around our wedding, but our guests' worlds don't. Her life is focussed now on having a baby and that is her priority and not your wedding, which is not unreasonable.

    HOWEVER, her choice to try for a baby does not mean you are less entitled to your day, and for your day to revolve around you and your husband to be, not someone else going into labour or fussing over the new born (which may be how it feels right?). Is there a specific concern you have about her being pregnant or a mother?

    Actually though, if she is not in the wedding party I dont think whatever she has going on will detract from your day. If she is heavily pregnant I'm sure people will look out for her, but their attention will still be on the bride. She may leave early, and won't be dancing into the early hours with you, but lots of other people will be!

    If she goes into labour at your wedding that is very bad luck all round - sure it's not what anyone wants, you or her - but it is unlikely. I would also hope she would subtly take herself off and not try and steal your thunder by announcing it at the wedding. In fact, most mothers to be do not like people to know labour has started, and only announce when baby born.

    if she has given birth very recently and has a tiny tot, you have a decision to make if her bringing a baby would concern you. Are you inviting children? If not, you do not have to make an exception for her. She wont be able to come, but you do not have to accommodate her child care needs unless you want to. If you are inviting children generally, then her baby will need to be invited too, but again, as she is outside the wedding party, if she has to be absent breastfeeding or nappy changing, you will notice a lot less.

    it is natural to feel as though you gave everything for her wedding and she won't do the same for you as she will be focussed on kids not weddings. she isn't doing anything wrong, but it is also a bit unfair on you that you gave a lot more than you will get back. There's no way round it, it is the sad reality for brides in their thirties (I am too!) that we get married after a lot of our friends, and by the time our weddings come round theyve all been there done that and are focussing on other things like kids. I think that's what has happened here, and it's no one's fault, no one is in the wrong, it is just how it is.

    there are lots of advantages to having married friends though as you can learn from their mistakes, they can give great advice, and tend to be better at things like RSVPing and behaving in the day because they know what it's like to plan and host a wedding!

    When the day comes round it will be fine - youll have an amazing day whatever she is doing!

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    How long as she been TTC for? She might be a 'I want it now' person, but TTC doesn't work like that. I am surprised she has already taken her shifts down as that will affect any maternity pay she was entitled to, but hey ho that is her decision.

    Although she says (after the fact) that she would have put off TTC to be your bridesmaid you don't know if she really would have done. In fact, as she only said this after you told her she wasn't a BM for that reason I doubt she would have put it off.

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Thank you Littlespice for your reply.

    I have no concerns over her being a mum at all, I cant wait until she is a mum and it is something we have all talked about and looked forward to as 3 best friends growing up. My concerns are that she wont attend my wedding - more to spite me than anything else, to teach me a lesson for not making her BM. Whereas if it were the other way round I'd never dream of missing her wedding.  I also wish to add that I was made BM at her wedding extremely last minute when the girls she had originally asked did nothing for her and showed no interest, she asked me to take over but they had no budget left for me so I was expected to pay my way, which I did, because she was in tears and I wanted her to have the day we'd all talked about for the past 10 years of them being together lol!!

    It really is more to do with the fact that because we fell out originally, and because I didn't back down and make her BM like I have backed down to all her other tantrums growing up that now I am being punished and she will go on and act like my wedding isn't happening, which is devastating for me as I still hold her in such high regard in my life, I cant understand how she can be so cold?

    There have been many a times I've thought I should just make her BM, but why should I? she verbally abused me over text message 2 weeks into my engagement?! that doesn't warrant an invite to be a BM, if she had of acted graciously and told me how hurt she was and how deeply sad she felt about it then it would be a different story.

    Her messaging saying that she is TTC seriously now and hoping to fall pregnant immediately - knowing that it is 9 months to my wedding seems spiteful but of course I will not say anything, I do sincerely hope she falls pregnant, I really d and I will deal with whatever happens.

    I will, however, never get over the sadness if she doesn't attend my wedding, which is very likely for a number of reasons;

    1 as stated, she has quit full time work just to ttc - she says that she doesn't need any distractions or stress on her body therefore only working 3 times a week from now. I imagine if heavily pregnant she will refuse to leave the house.

    and 2, we aren't having children to the wedding, everyone is actually really happy about that (mainly the parents lol) therefore if she has a new born it will be very difficult for her to attend and bend the rules for her alone.

     

    I honestly do not mind what state of pregnancy she is at by the time my wedding comes around as long as she is there! I am not one to want to be centre of attention, it really isn't about that, its solely to do with her attending and the fact that it feels as if she is determined to make me feel like its my fault she wont be coming because she isn't BM.

    xxx

     

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Myself and Alex are also very surprised to hear she took her shifts down already as well - we feel it is a very premature move and I can only imagine it will add to the stress of trying to fall pregnant so quickly. They have only just started trying but she came off the pill a year ago to get her cycle back into the swing of things, so it has been on the cards for a while.

    I don't think I worded my original post too well.

    It isn't about her having a baby, I 100% support her in that and I would never ever expect anyone to put plans on hold. (even though when it was her wedding she told Alex that if she was pregnant at her wedding she wouldn't be BM as she didn't want the focus on anyone but her)

    Its just my worry over her not being there on my day because I didn't make her BM.

     

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,975 New bride

    Wow, to be honest she sounds like really hard work and a total drama queen. I can see why you would suspect that she's done this just to be spiteful and make a point about not being your BM- although of course that may not be the case at all. It seems like you put a heck of a lot more into the relationship than she does! Seriously, cutting down on work just because they are TTC? She doesn't seem to live in the real world.

    I think you have the right to be miffed about the way she has behaved the whole way through. At this stage it's out of your hands- I know you will be upset if she's not there, but don't make it about her. It's your wedding day and it will be amazing if she's there or not.

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    It doesn't sound like she's trying to miss your wedding on purpose. It would be highly unlikely for her to go into labour on your wedding day! I would personally stop getting stressed about it - it's out of your control. 

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    To me she doesn't sound like a very good friend and someone you could do without in your life.

     

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    I'm not stressed over it as such I'm upset because she has always meant the world to me, she has her faults yes, she is very selfish and self-centred, I guess that because we have grown up with her we have gotten used to her traits, whereas everyone else I talk to about this says the same that I shouldn't have her in my life, if I was reading this I would be saying the same.

    Hails, I don't think she will go into labour on my wedding day, in-fact, I wouldn't mind if she did because it would mean she was at my wedding day in the first place lol! I want her to be there, pregnant, or not pregnant I want her to be there, it means so much to me to have her there, but even I don't know why sometimes.  It does feel as though as I am being punished, but you are all right, it is out of my hands, I have to let whatever happens happen.

    xxxx

     

     

  • Lexi90Lexi90 Posts: 971

    It does sound like her comment was because you didn't make her bridesmaid - however what will be, will be. There is no point in worrying over her being pregnant. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, I understand you want her there but it's her life and her body. As people have said not everyone gets pregnant straight away, so you could be worrying about nothing. 

    I know you have a no children policy, but if it was me and I really wanted my friend there I would relax the rule for her. I think personally I see newborns as slightly different. I'm not having many children at my wedding but I wouldn't tell a newborn mum that they had to leave their baby at home or not come. Particularly if I really wanted that person there and was upset at the thought they couldn't come. 

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Unfortunately it isn't just up to me otherwise I would feel the same.

    Myself and my h2b had to come to an agreement because a lot of our friends will have new babies ranging from 6 months old to 2 months old. My h2b doesn't want babies at the wedding and the majority of babies are on his friends side so luckily for me I didn't have to be the bearer of the news as I wouldn't have said anything, he told all of his mates no babies and luckily for us they were all more than happy with that.  I have had to tell 2 of my friends about this who will have a 1 year old and a 6 month old and they said that fair is fair, if my h2b's friends weren't bringing their babies then they wouldn't be bringing theirs.

    I cant pick and choose who can and who cant bring their babies as that looks bad and looks like we care more for some of our friends than others, this was not my rule, but something my other half felt strongly about, therefore I back him up on it.

    I also don't agree that special privileges should be made for her when she has been pretty unfair to me in the run up.

    I am also not telling her not to come. Not once have I said that I will be telling her not to come. 

    I have said all along that if she is pregnant, or due around my wedding I know that she wont come, because my wedding is far away from her hospital and she will want to be close to it which is absolutely understandable.  It really isn't about her having a baby, its about her purposely trying to wind me up knowing full well it is 9 months to my wedding she chooses now to email me and tell me she is seriously starting trying for a baby.....9 months to my wedding....?!

    I think maybe its hard to really know how I feel because the information is so limited on here, but I really only wanted to get it all off my chest anyway xx

     

     

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  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    In my opinion this isn't about babies or weddings, it is about your pal being a spoiled brat and throwing her toys out of the pram because you've taken a stand for once and not given into her...

    The only advice I can give is don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she has upset you because that is her clear intention and the only person that is going to miss out is her. She will miss the wedding of one of her best friends because she couldn't just be happy that something is going to be about you. You will be far too surrounded by love, happiness and positive vibes on your big day to even notice that she isn't there (honestly you will!) - but she'll know full well on the day - whether or not she is surrounded by nappies - that she is missing out on something.

    Only other thing is that she could be in for a shock when it comes to TTC, I've been on these boards for long enough to know that it rarely goes to plan, she might have a new baby or be pregnant for your wedding or she might be neither and could really do with the support of her friends - which she really doesn't deserve based on her behaviour.

    I'd cool contact with her going forward and just try to enjoy the build-up to your big day without any more of her drama.

    Good luck xx

     

     

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Thank you Kitten - I am now sat at my desk trying to type through the tears!! lol!!! every word you just said is true and it pains me to hear it as I sound like such a weak person.  No she never noticed anything I went through during the lead up to her wedding but I have always commended myself on that, that I got through it without being a hindrance to her or putting any amount of downer on her day. But that's not a real friendship is it, it is all totally one-sided.  I must say my mum, she will not have anything to do with this girl, my mum has said since we were in year 9 that she isn't a friend to me, even growing up she would ruin any birthday party I ever had, my mum is secretly hoping that she doesn't come to the wedding because she doesn't want to be civil to her :-\

    I do have a lot of good friends, hence easily having 2 other BM's to ask, but its just one of those things, I think its hard to walk away because she is my oldest friend and have been through it all together....but as a lot of people have told me, people do grow apart don't they!?

    xxxx

     

     

     

     

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    Wow, she is a spoilt demanding diva. You really do not need a friend like her. She has been playing you. Her behaviour as a friend is beyond appalling, to not even notice a friend is in distress, ill and at breaking point is no friend. 

    I speak from experience. I was in a terrible relationship, he was horrible to me. He would put all the faults in our relationship on me. My true friends and family could see it, they could see me fall apart. They were the ones who were picking up the pieces. A true friend is there no matter what. 

    They do not act like a petulant child who has lost their dummy. 

    Never call yourself weak. You put yourself before anything for your friend to have the best wedding. That takes strength and courage.

  • Gemma225Gemma225 Posts: 20

    I agree with what some of the ladies are saying here...

    At the end of the day its about you and your husband to be, I know that friends are hugely important in life but on your wedding day when to be honest she doesn't sound like she has been grateful of your friendship since the row in the restaurant, I don't think she matters.

    If she was a true friend she would be there even if she was 9 months pregnant, or not even pregnant, of course which is based on what ifs because she's not even pregnant right now and she might not be?

    and the term "Bridemaid" does it really mean anything...

    if my best friend was getting married and I had said that I didn't want to be a bridesmaid when she asked like you did, then I would be more than happy to just be there supporting her on the day, surely that's the main thing.

    she sounds really self centred and you deserve someone so much better to call a friend.

    xx

     

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Thank you for the support, it really does mean a lot to me, I didn't expect to solve anything today, I just really wanted to get it off my chest and stop it all from going on in my head! but I actually do feel like a lot is solved.  I'm not going to say anything to her, I'm not going to let her know that I have been sad.  I am just going to get on with my planning and keep my head up.  I think she likes it too much when I am upset by her. 

    I do have really good people around me and I am so glad I forum for the emotional support!

    And MrsThomas thank you, I am sorry you have had to go through rubbish times but I'm glad that you had your friends to help you through it.  When I was going through my hardest time was around the time of Lucy's wedding, the run up to it was extremely difficult, my ex was nasty and he wouldn't go to work, he expected to have my money on top of me paying for our house. The night before Lucy's wedding she wanted me to stay with her, he went mental as it meant he lost his lift to the wedding and had to find his own way there....he picked up her wedding present and threw it down the stairs at me! I was mortified more that I couldn't give her a broken present or turn up empty handed!

    I did have someone I confided in throughout that time - that person is one of my BM actually, I didn't tell anyone else what was going on at the time, I think my parents suspected, but I'd never want them to know because it is just so disgusting and so bad that I stayed for as long as I did! I just didn't want them to think I'd failed!

    Lucy knows now what was going on at that time and she knows now that I was so unwell at her wedding. Nothing has ever really been said about it though, I guess it is an awkward subject.

     

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  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    This post has turned into a bit 'poor me' - I am not in self pity mode at all, and I'm not  the type of person to be like that, I think one thing just lead to another and you start talking about all kinds!! 

    I basically just needed to have a rant about it, otherwise I would end up talking it over with h2b who is a bit useless at emotional support, he would just say 'don't invite her then' and be done with it, but it is never what you want to hear when you need a  good rant and someone to offer their views!

    I really do feel more emotionally prepared for anything she throws at me now though, I was feeling very deflated and fragile this morning haha! the more I have reminisced over past events throughout mine and lucys friendship the more I don't actually care if she is at the wedding, so it has been a great help actually!!!

    and thank you to those that have offered such kind words today! I am really grateful for the time you took to reply to me xxxx

     

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