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How involved should my bridesmaids be?

I have 2 bridesmaids, one is my partners sister and the other is my cousin. My cousin was super excited when I asked her, then when I asked what dress size she wanted ordering she said a dress size lower than what she is, I told her that id rather get her a dress in her size which we could take in but she insisted on the lower size. The dress came and she's told a member of the family that she hasnt actually bothered trying to lose the weight so the dress won't fit. I love her whatever size she is and would just rather she was comfortable, I told her this when I ordered her dress but she insisted. I've now managed to find another dress that is her size but feel annoyed that Ive had to do this. She hasn't asked about the wedding, hasn't offered to help with anything and really doesn't seem that interested. 

My partners sister was amazing when we first got engaged. Sharing ideas, offering help and advice and seemed really pleased with organising my hen do but thats all seemed to have worn off now the excitement seems to have gone. I also don't know if she's trying to purposely wind me up but shes sent me pictures of blow up willy costumes that apparently she's wearing and all sorts of other things she knows I won't like. I'm no prude but I also saw my hen do as being really fun and something I could remember, I don't really drink and hate nursing hangovers the next day so a night out really isnt for me and she knows this. She's not easily confronted as she can get her back up very easily, and my partner said he would talk to her but didn't. 

I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall with both of them, I've tried to involve them, sent txts but nothing seems to work. I'm at the end of my tether with my hen do too.  I didn't have my best friend because at the time I couldn't afford to have three so we decided that she would just do a reading but now I'm wishing I'd asked her instead of my cousin, especially as i now have a spare dress! She would have been so much more helpful and forthcoming with her support :( 

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  • You'll get different opinions on this. Some people feel that all bridesmaids have to do is turn up on the day and pose for photos. some people think bridesmaids should revolve their lives round the wedding.

    Im somewhere in between, I think a healthy interest from bridesmaids is nice and within reason they should be willing to help with certain tasks if requested.

    I think your cousin telling you the wrong dress size was naughty and very annoying. She caused the issue and hasn't tried to put it right (unless she still has time to lose the weight - but it would have been better to get a size that ft and get alterations!) But she maybe doesn't ask about the wedding because she thinks you may be sick of talking about it or something? People don't think about our weddings as much as we do and I wouldn't expect it to be a regular topic of conversation.

    You SIL is sounding like she is showing an interest in your hen do so give her credit for that! Often there are brides on here saying that no one has bothered to organise one etc so i think you maybe should see the positive that she gives a damn about it . ive been bridesmaid 5 times and I've always tried to wind them up in advance about what I'm going to do to them, I haven't usually gone through with it, she might not either.

    If though you step back and still really think they are not bothered about you or your wedding then that is a big shame for you, theyre meant to be people close to you who should care. I'm not sure there is much you can do except try to calmly ask them to be more involved. As its family I do not recommend you demote them to guests.

     

  • As a future bridesmaid, I think you need to bear in mind that we have our own lives going on and although you are excited about the wedding, other people aren't going to be as much as you are. Sorry if that sounds harsh. 

    I am very happy for my friend who gets married next year but at the same time, I am not excited about the wedding itself as it is so far away. I have been involved in wedding conversation and already been out shopping for dresses but that's all I am doing for a while. I have also organised as much of the hen as I can at this point and everything is under control.

    I do agree that it is strange she ordered a different size dress, maybe she thought she could lose the weight but when it came to it she found it too hard?

    When is your wedding? If it is still quite far away then this explains why they aren't so into it as you would like them to be. 

    If you think your SIL is genuinely NOT joking about the hen do, maybe a quiet chat with her about what you do/don't like? Or ask your FI to have a word with her? 

  • Thank you so much for your reply. Someones else viewpoint is much appreciated as I think my partner just wants to stay out of it as much as possible. 

    I think I should probably back off my SIL a bit, she probably is just trying to wind me up to make me worry a bit but then plan something amazing after all. She was talking about football zorbing at the start which is right up my street. she might just be waiting for me to say come on girl help me with these ideas so I might just have to give her a bit more of an open door with her ideas. 

    My cousins been more like a sister to me growing up so it was so important that she was by my side, I think I just expected us to have those girly dinners where we talked centre pieces and flowers. I've never been a bridemaid myself so didn't have a clue what was really involved. 

    She had got a fair amount of time if she chose to lose the weight but I think I should have definitely gone with my gut and ordered her the right size in the first place but thankfully I should be able to get the money back from the dress I originally got her. 

    i really did need someone else to just give me a bit of a jolt, I feel like I've been a bit of a bridezilla but I'm glad I've got it out on here rather than projecting it to them :)

  • I don't think you're bridezilla at all! Some are luckier than others with their bridesmaids, and you aren't one of the luckier ones. It's just not worth falling out about in my opinion!

    i hope you enjoy the hen, let us know how it goes!

  • Nope definitely not worth falling out over. Regardless of the pair of them me and H2B will be married and that's what I need to keep thinking. I guess after reading some of the ladies issues on this forum if absent bridesmaids is all I've got to worry about I'm not doing so bad. 

    thank u for your comments, will keep you posted on the hen :) 

  • NikkiMNikkiM Posts: 1,654 New bride

    I've posted on here already about bridesmaids and wrong dress sizes. One of my bridesmaids told me her size, tried the dress on, which didn't fit, but told me she'd lose the weight. I spent many sleepless nights worrying she wouldn't lose the weight so asked if she'd mind me changing the dress for a bigger size. All hell broke loose, she got upset and annoyed with me, all because I didn't want her to feel pressurised into losing weight! In the end I changed the dress to the bigger size and it hasn't been mentioned since. We have 7 and half months to go and if she loses the weight great I'll get the dress altered, if not she will have a dress that fits.

    As for how much my bridesmaids are involved - only as much as I want them to be. I know everyone has their own lives to live and my wedding isn't their priority. I'm happy to do things myself unless I feel it would be nice to get them involved i.e. helping me find a dress, a wedding fair. I'm a bit of a control freak anyway. Plus my mum LOVES talking about my wedding so I go to her. 

    I have 3 bridesmaids - 1 my sister, the other 2 my best friends. 1 friend loves talking about the wedding but has just broken up with her boyfriend so I try not to mention it too often as she's quite emotional at the moment. The other isn't as interested as much as I thought she would be but I know when I need her and closer to the day, she'll be a rock. All 3 of them will be so I'm happy with that and that's why I've chosen them.

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    I have my bestfriend as MOH and another friend as bridesmaid. My MOH is being fantastic, always messaging me, sending me ideas and is completely in tune with what I want. My other bridesmaid is lovely but flakey, she has let me down a number of times when we are supposed to meet up but has a strop when h2b and I have organised things. I mentioned wedding dress shopping but she wants to go to the stores that interest her rather than the stores I would like to visit. She is having a strop because I want pink and doesn't like any of the dresses I have pointed out, also saying I am order her anything other than a size 16. I love her dearly and as I am paying for the dresses I will decide on the colour. 

    Sorry, bit of a rant!

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