Don't know what to do!

Ok, we're just less than 2 weeks away from our wedding. We sent invites out in January asking that our wedding be a child free celebration- I have a very small family, and the only person this affected in my family was the one cousin I'm close enough to invite. She was fine with it. H2B has a step-niece and a nephew. We don't see all that much of them (we live in a different country- ish, it's a plane or boat to visit), and we promised we'd see them the day before and at a family bbq the day after the wedding.

All was quiet until tonight, in a catch up with his mum, H2B becomes aware that they're planning on bringing the kids- he explains our reasoning again, and they end the conversation on good terms.. He then gets a text from his dad saying he'll never forgive him, they won't come if their grandkids aren't there and he hopes we enjoy the day.

obviously we're both devastated that it's come to this, with no time at all before what's meant to be a happy day- I honestly want to cancel the whole thing, and if it weren't for the money we've spent (and our guests on flights and hotels) I think we'd go on our honeymoon as planned and tie the knot there just us 2. I don't see how we move forward- he cannot not have his family there, and if we give in there surely will be resentment on both sides anyway! 

We genuinely don't know what to say to either his brother or dad without making the situation worse- even if we were to give in and invite the kids (after we've confirmed and paid for food, done the seating plan, etc etc etc) I feel like we should still tell them how we feel about being forced into this- is this just unnecessarily winding everyone up further though?!

I don't see right now how we can push everything to one side and enjoy ourselves- we won't see any of them until the night before either so can't sit down and hash it all out :(

To make matters worse, I'm working away all week so we can't even deal with this together properly, I don't know what to do! 

Posts

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    Hi, I am sorry you are in this situation. I am not really sure what advice to offer as only you know your family. Where are you actually getting married as I am bit confused from your post?

    If it was me though, even though I wouldn't be happy about it I would probably just give in and allow them to come, to avoid the risk of causing even more problems at such a late stage. Would it really be a massive disaster to have them there, or would you be prepared to argue it out? Could your h2b speak to the children's father directly?

  • CE26CE26 Posts: 349 New bride

    I hate how weddings make people act sometimes - people get so selfish and can completely ruin it for the bride and groom. 

    I don't know if I have anything useful to say though - I'm really sorry that you're having to face this.

    If it were me, I'd want to go ahead rather than cancel - it isn't ideal in the slightest but they're probably hoping you'll cave in. Calmy saying 'you've made your choice not to be there and we will have an amazing day with people who love us and respect us' might call their bluff and they may realise how disrespectful they're being.

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    Do not give in!! It's not up to them it is your wedding and you have told everyone else no children allowed

  • wed172Bwed172B Posts: 1,258

    So had they not fully understood that the children were not welcome?? What was there plan? There would be no seat or meal for them if they turned up! My only thought is that they think they can get around you by leaving it till the last minute and putting pressure on you which is totally unfair on you both! I would stand your ground but easier said than done I know! Please dont let it ruin your day or the excitement of the build up xx

  • Shame on your fiancé's father frankly. Is he close to his father? I think this depends on how your fiancé would feel without him there.

    Even though they're totally in the wrong and if you give in you will almost certainly resent your FIL for a long time to come, as its family children, my advice would be to let them come. The lesser of two evils at this stage I think.

    I would leave saying your piece about it till after the wedding though.

    This is very unfair on you for them to drop it on you last minute. Hope you get it sorted x

  • MC98MC98 Posts: 211

    This is what my gut told me, and what we've previously tried with his brother (father of the kids), but tonight it's blown up again. I'm also scared that it won't work and they won't come- I can't let him not have his mum there out of our stubbornness, and his dad will NOT forgive us, I'm sure of that.

    I don't know how we go through the day either way and put it out of our minds- either everyone knows why all of his immediate family aren't there, or we feel compromised and disrespected... And then leave the next day on the ferry to probably not see them until Christmas- lose lose! 

    CE26 wrote (see post):

    I hate how weddings make people act sometimes - people get so selfish and can completely ruin it for the bride and groom. 

    I don't know if I have anything useful to say though - I'm really sorry that you're having to face this.

    If it were me, I'd want to go ahead rather than cancel - it isn't ideal in the slightest but they're probably hoping you'll cave in. Calmy saying 'you've made your choice not to be there and we will have an amazing day with people who love us and respect us' might call their bluff and they may realise how disrespectful they're being.

     

  • MC98MC98 Posts: 211

    I fully believe this was their plan- we explained why we wanted adults only well before the invites went out, it was written clearly on the invites, and it has been rumbling along for months. To me it feels very manipulative.

    H2B would have considered himself as close to both parents before we moved away- it very much feels to be out of sight out of mind..

    I think we have no choice but to say they can come, but make it clear that we have finalised and paid for most elements and there will be things the children cannot have- the cake for example is full of champagne ganache

    I'm just worried that we'll spend part of our day feeling resentful 

    wed172B wrote (see post):

    So had they not fully understood that the children were not welcome?? What was there plan? There would be no seat or meal for them if they turned up! My only thought is that they think they can get around you by leaving it till the last minute and putting pressure on you which is totally unfair on you both! I would stand your ground but easier said than done I know! Please dont let it ruin your day or the excitement of the build up xx

     

  • wed172Bwed172B Posts: 1,258

    I think at this point you need to think about yourselves and yourselves only!! Make it clear that this is not the wedding you had planned but if this is the only way for his parents to attend then so be it. Like you said make it clear there will be no special plans made for them. I'd also make it clear (perhaps after the wedding) how this made you feel and be honest that right now you do not forgive what they have put you through.

    make the arrangements etc and then put it to the back of your mind and do not let it ruin your day X hope you have the most wonderful day xx 

     

  • CE26CE26 Posts: 349 New bride

    Totally understand the catch 22 you're in. No matter what you decide there's risk of unhappiness. But perhaps you do need to be the bigger people in this...let them come, tweak the plans and after the whole day say your piece if you wish. 

    I agree in making it clear that it's not the day you planned for and therefore it's too late and the children will have to miss out on some elements. It's not the kids fault so there should maybe be some suitable tweaks e.g. a kids meal but you shouldn't go out of your way to make it kid friendly. 

    Im not sure how old they are but I would perhaps be advising the parents to supply some form of quiet activity for them to get on with during things like the meal and speeches. 

     

  • That is really a horrible situation they have put you in. As you've said, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

    Personally, I would allow the children to come BUT make it very, very clear to both the father and brother that you are only doing this because of their childish and selfish behaviour.

    Plus, make it clear that you make no provisions for the children as you haven't budgeted for them. There will be food they cannot have, as you said, and it will be their responsibility to entertain and watch the children, not you or any of your other guests.

    If that means they have to leave early, so be it.

  • MC98MC98 Posts: 211

    Thanks for all the advice.. I definitely think it's right though that we have to rise above it and be the bigger people here, and maybe say something further after the wedding.

    My biggest concern is for my H2B and how he gets over the frankly malicious message he received from his dad last night - we can get through one day (and hopefully if they all leave early with the kids we'll have a few hours where we can truly relax with our friends), but there will be larger repercussions I'm sure - only time will tell.

    I feel as if these problems started when we made the decision to move away (to be closer to my family), and it hasn't really been accepted in the 18+ months we've been back in England, but there isn't much we can do about that!

    I'm beyond frustrated so I hate to think how hurt he must be feeling, I'm more annoyed that we're being blamed for them being upset, and that we're risking "breaking the heart" of a 10 year old- that is 100% on them for acting as if the children have been included on the invites since last year, it is NOT us that's been parading the children round in wedding outfits, or getting them excited about the wedding. I cannot believe any parents would use their children as such a blatant way of manipulating the situation. I fear the relationship with his brother is beyond repair, but I hope he can resolve the issues with his parents after the wedding and after some cooling off time... I SERIOUSLY need this honeymoon!

  • Aw you poor thing - this is so unfair and I'm so sorry you've ended up in this situation! How awful of his dad! Stilol, I guess do your best to let it go; I can't imagine your wedding  will be fun for you if you're angry and resentful (Though I completely understand if you were!!). Try and focus on other things and put it out of your mind as much as possible. Must be really hard for your OH to deal with in particular :( 

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