Bridesmaids or not?

Hi Everyone,

Am really needing some advice as this keeps going round and round in my head and can't decide what to do for the best. 

A few weeks after we got engaged I went round to a friends house (A) got drunk and asked her to be a bridesmaid. She was over the moon and even cried. The next morning I told one of my friends sisters (B)she wouldn't be bridesmaid as we just werent that close anymore, she took it ok but when I went home I cried as was upset at myself for hurting her feelings. 

My fiancée and I then sat down and decided we weren't going to have a wedding party as I hate picking between people. We told our friends and they seemed shocked but fine wIth it. 

Fastforwarded a couple of months and my two closest friends have voiced concern that I am going to regret my decision and I see how much it would mean to them to be involved as I have been bridesmaid for one and am in ones future wedding. Am now stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I stick to my guns and have no one? Do i ask my two closest friends and risk upsetting A or do i ask everyone else and upset B again or just ask them all? 


  • Lexi90Lexi90 Posts: 971

    I think you need to think about what you want. I have thought about whether to have bridesmaids or not. Part of me thinks all my friends would have just as much fun attending, there would be no difficultly choosing dresses etc but then I think would I miss having them on the day? 

    Would you just be having them because they've made you feel bad? If this is the case then don't have them. It would be easier to say no because then you don't have to pick between them. Alternatively if when you think about it you would want one set but not another- do that. I have been a bridesmaid a couple of times and feel that pressure to ask back too. It really shouldn't be that way!! 

    Could you invite them to get ready with you if you want but still not have any official bridesmaids? That way they are joining in with the fun but you don't have to organise anything. If they aren't happy with this I would think they really just wanted the dress etc! 

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Claire, you are one of many brides who has fallen into the trap of asking people to be a bridesmaid then regretting it. Don't be hard on yourself as you aren't alone with this dilemma, but unfortunately, I don't think there will be an easy way out of this.

    In my opinion, you simply can't take the two friends and demote A. That isn't fair. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you got drunk and asked her - that's not her fault and you can't punish her for your perhaps foolish actions. You have two options here: take the two friends plus A or have none at all. If you have no bridesmaids, then yes, you will upset A but if she is a good friend she will dust herself off and carry on. If you don't have her, but have other friends, A would have a good reason to feel hurt. 

    I personally think it is totally fine to not have a wedding party and any good friend should respect your decision. Don't be emotionally blackmailed or feel obliged because you are someone's bridesmaid. One of my bridesmaids didn't have me and I wasn't bothered at all. Likewise, some of the people who put the most effort into making my hen do and wedding day special weren't bridesmaids. You don't need them. You can easily give these friends other roles: being a reader, signing the register, an usherette perhaps. Of course, it is lovely to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but it isn't about what your friends want, it is about what you and your OH want. In my opinion, it is an honour and a privilege to be involved in a friend's wedding regardless of the role. If someone strops over not being a bridesmaid, then their heart isn't in the right place!

    What I suggest you do is picture your wedding morning. Consider what you want it to be like and who would you like to be there. This may help you see your situation more clearly. When I first began to plan my wedding, I knew I wanted a relaxed, calm morning which I wouldn't have achieved with eight bridesmaids (if I had all my 'bridesmaid worthy' friends!).

    Good luck! x

  • Sarah398Sarah398 Posts: 266

    Do what you want ultimately, however I have just got married (about 3 weeks ago, I will be posting pics when I get them back from the photographer) & I chose not to have any bridesmaids.

    I chose not to have bridesmaids for many different reasons but mainly because I know that my best friend would have been uncomfortable dress shopping & I wouldnt have felt right asking anyone else if she wasn't going to be a BM.  Also I was paying for the whole wedding myself so cost was going to be an issue.

    I DID NOT REGRET my decision at any stage & certainly not during or after the wedding day.  I don't feel that I missed out on anything & didn't notice it being a missing part of the day.

    My best friends were involved anyway.  1 helped me organise the hen do, 1 baked the wedding cake & 2 others were witnesses.  My 4 year old niece helped hand out the confetti too.

    I just wanted to post this because I think its unfair for others to say you might regret it xoxo

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  • AJ16AJ16 Posts: 89

    Its a difficult situation but i think you have to do what you want and not make a decision based on what other people want or how you think they will feel - it's your wedding so you need to do what makes you and h2b happy :-) If you don't want bridesmaids don't have them. If you do make sure you pick who you want, not who you think you should ask.

    I decided to have just one bridesmaid (my cousin) and not ask my 3 close friends. I was a bridesmaid for one last year so i did feel a bit like it was expected of me to ask her back but decided this shouldn't be a reason to ask her! We are having a small wedding (25 guests) so i thought 4 bridesmaids would be a bit too much!

    I think some of them are a bit upset they haven't been asked but they are still happy for me and will be at the wedding so a true friend will respect your decision.

    Like others have said you can still involve people without giving them a title. Let them help organise your hen, give readings, be witnesses etc x

  • DaynaDayna Posts: 3

    I had a problem where I have 4 very very close friends and my sister in law and with only a small wedding it would have meant I had half the wedding as bridesmaids. So instead I picked 1 as a bridesmaid and found other ways for the others to e involved, 1 did a reading at the wedding and 1 signed our marriage certificate. This way everyone had a role and felt involved but I didn't have to have them all as bridesmaids.




  • CammiCammi Posts: 3

    And unless you can not ask a few people?

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