Very upset over engagement ring - nowhere else to confide :-(

Hi Everyone, I'm feeling very upset and have no one I can trust enough to talk to about this. I understand I will sound like a spoilt brat but I can't seem to shake this off.

When OH and I decided to get married we agreed to have a budget wedding and not spend silly money on a ring - We agree round about £600. I had been very busy planning the wedding and had an idea of what I wanted which was a princess cut diamond solitaire. I showed him the sort of ring and said I trusted him to choose it. I really wish I hadn't done that. He went to the most expensive jewellery shop in town and tried his best to get the ring I wanted but the diamond is only 0.10 of a carat and I had envisioned something round about 1/3 of a carat. I saw the receipt and it was nearly £700 as they had to do a slight adjustment.

 

This was early last year and we married in February 2015. He is a great man and he loves me a lot but it really upsets me because I feel I could have had the size I'd visualised if he hadn't have gone to such an expensive place. I've been looking on line and for the ring I have you can get one just the same for less than £150! I feel he has been ripped off.

It's not even as if we had the experience of going in there together and choosing and enjoying the plush environment - I've never set foot in the place but feel I am paying every day for the privilege of having and overpriced ring from there.

 

It is very much my fault as I should have known he would do the traditional thing and not go hunting on line for bargains. When I was showing everyone the ring when we first got engaged I felt embarrassed as they kept peering I closer to see it because it's so  small.

I would actually have rather had a second-hand one the size I wanted.

 By the way, I am very happy with the cost of the ring and would NOT have wanted him to pay any more but if I'm honest it upsets me that people may be looking at it and thinking how tiny it is and he must be a cheapskate who doesn't think that much of me! I just cuts really deep. Then I see other women out with bigger sparklers and I think 'that probably cost less than mine!' I had ordered a 2mm wedding ring and it looks nice on it's own but not with the ring so last night I told my husband I would like a much skinnier band as I think it would look more balanced with the ring. He was perfectly ok and said it's just a ring, it's no big deal.

 

I really think I will be happier when I have the skinnier ring as it won't dwarf the diamond so much. It DOES look pretty and dainty but I can't help feeling cheated! Please tell me what you think?

Posts

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    There's way more to account for than just a carat. for example I know people with bigger diamonds than me but mine sparkles a lot more. Cut, colour, clarity and carat all come into it. I think you need to be happy that you have a lovely man who tried his best and focus more on what the ring symbolises. 

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    Truthfully I think you are being ungrateful. You agreed on a budget and then sent him on his merry way with your idea of the perfect engagement ring. 

    Your husband went to a very expensive jewellers and spent over the agreed budget on a ring, which did not match your idealistic romantic notions of an engagement ring.

    In the grand scheme of things does the size of the engagement ring matter? No. Your poor husband went searching for what he felt was the perfect ring, he chose it for you, maybe just maybe he thought the smaller ring looks better on your hand? Maybe just maybe he thought it was meant for you. 

    My fiancé asked for my opinions on rings. He chose my ring after seeing my preferences but still chose it alone. We never agreed on a budget, but he knew I wouldn't be happy if he spent silly money. 

    At the end of the day my engagement ring represents the love and future together while my future wedding band will represent the vows we make on our wedding day. The size of the diamond does not matter, the symbolism does. 

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,924 New bride

    Okay, well first I don't think you should be upset with the ring as it is. He chose it, he thought you would love it, it's the ring he used when he asked for your hand in marriage. Nobody is judging you and you shouldn't judge your e-ring by the size of the diamond! Surely it's the thought that counts?

    On the other hand, I empathise with you feeling that he got ripped of. £700 for a 0.1 carat is a lot. Mine was reduced in price but cost not a huge amount more than that for 0.6 carat and it is very clear and sparkley. So yes I would be a little miffed that he spent so much money and didn't get good value. But, there's nothing you can do about it now except learn to love it because he chose it!

  • Kate201Kate201 Posts: 5

    Thank you I know you are right. I am letting myself be influenced too much by external pressure and what people might think!

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    You also didn't mention the metal of your ring? Platinum is much more expensive than white gold for example 

  • I appreciate you're not trying to throw shade at your husband and are aware of the fact this isn't something you can reasonably be angry about, but I think you are dwelling on this far too much. He did his best. He didn't want to buy you a "bargain" engagement ring, he wanted you to have something from a nice shop. I can see how he would have thought he was making the effort for you by going somewhere nice. I can't see how he he deviated from your wishes at all. he got you the sort of ring you wanted in the budget you wanted from a shop he thought was fit for you. He might have thought you'd be insulted if he had gone for the "best value".

    there is no easy solution to this. You've been married 18 months and I think the time has passed where you can tell him you want to change it. Just give yourself tough love. I don't mean this harshly, but you are being ungrateful and I think deep down you are aware of that. Don't indulge these thoughts of wanting a bigger ring. i love my engagement ring, not because its what I would have chosen - it isn't - but because it is what my fiancé chose for me to tell me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Same with your fiancé. Look at the ring and think about its meaning. Hopefully in time the feelings will abate and you'll learn to love what he chose for you.

    As for people "peering in", these people are so rude If so. To be honest though you may be reading too much into it. People in my experience always go for a closer look at a ring regardless of size. If you feel really self conscious, say proudly "its from [name of

    posh shop]" and think how youd feel if when people asked where it was from you had to say EBay or something (not that theres anything wrong with that, but given your worry about the "cheapskates" perception).

    To be blunt though, if you cared about that you shouldn't have agreed a small budget for the ring. You wouldnt get a big quality diamond for that price. I'm afraid you  are going to have to get over it.

  • Kate201Kate201 Posts: 5

    The metal is yellow gold. Yes, we are both traditionalists at heart! I did always assume I'd have white gold but when it came to it I just preferred the yellow. I really appreciate everyone's viewpoint and honesty. I really needed to get this off my chest. I am still working through it. It's bugged me for over 12 months! I never thought I would react like this. I'm not a materialistic person or a blingy person. I do like subtlety and I do have quite small slim hands so the ring does actually suit me.

  • Kate201Kate201 Posts: 5

    Littlespice your reply has made me cry but in a good way. Thank you, you are so right. I have wondered what has happened to me that I am thinking like this. Yes he did want to go to the 'the best' place he knew. I am too focused on appearances in this matter. I need to look at myself.

  • I think he would have been concerned about where it came from and the style more than carat etc! I know my OH said he wouldnt be looking online for deals etc he wanted to go in a shop and talk to someone and have the nice experience choosing my ring, as well as being reassured that it was from a 'nice' shop! I love a bargain and always hunt around for best deals but we can do that and save money on the wedding rings... the engagement ring signifies more than a carat size etc just picture him in that shop trying to choose a ring, ask him to tell you about it! My OH spent 3 hours alone with the jeweller trying to choose and decide what would suit me best - i gave him no guidance and he got it 100% right bless him :) xx

  • AJ16AJ16 Posts: 89

    Like everyone else has said just think your fiance chose that ring for you and that's what makes it special, its not about how expensive it is or how big the diamond is.

    I had hell and all problems with my engagement ring. It had to be re-sized as it was too big, then replaced completely as the diamond had a huge inclusion in it (i swear i got a different ring back to the one i sent to be re-sized!) The replacement ring still has a small inclusion in it now and i had to take it to another jewelers to get the clasps tightened as the diamond was wobbling around and the original shop said it was supposed to be that way!!

    My fiance didn't go to a cheap shop either! He felt awful and that he had let me down but even with all the hassle and the fact its not the original ring he proposed with (which did upset me for a while) i'm now over it all and love my ring - i wouldn't change it for the world and have told him that :-)

    I suppose what i'm trying to say is not everyone gets the perfect ring they picture in their head, but try to think of it as the ring your fiance chose for you because he thought it was what you would love and because he wanted to make you his wife. Don't worry about what other people think and try and think of the good things about it :-) x

     

     

  • _Donna__Donna_ Posts: 53 New bride

    I got engaged nearly 15 years ago and my H2b bought me the best he could afford at the time now we are finally getting married he wants to change it for one "more suited" to our finances-I wouldn't change it for anything, he's suggested a complete replacement or adding more diamonds but it would make it less special to me-I've even had people say to me it's a tiny diamond but I don't care. I bought an eternity ring at the same time as my wedding ring and all three together are perfect to me. Don't let others influence you, the ring is a symbol of the love and commitment from him to you

  • Kathrin-Kathrin- Posts: 50

    Hi Kate. I can understand that you feel upset and disappointed that you didn´t get what you envisioned especially since you talked about it and you showed him examples. Like the other ladies said though you probably have to try and move on from this. However I tell you a story, maybe it makes you feel better? My dad did not propose to my mum with a ring but just said "The people renting my mothers second house are moving out. What is the situation with us?" Horrible proposal and and no ring. They then went on a holiday where he bought her an engagement necklace with a bright pink stone. My mum absolutely hated it but didn´t say anything. She also never wore it ;-) However they still got married and have been married for over 25 years. After a while my mum was able to speak to my dad more openly about that necklace and he then managed to give her several nice pieces of jewelry over the years that were much more to her taste. 

    I understand it sucks because it is your engagement ring, but there are other occasions for jewelry and even rings and to be honest maybe you could at some point even swap the rings. My friend never wears her official engagement ring but another one her husband gave her to a birthday. Everyone thinks it is the engagement ring though.

    I hope you feel better soon!!! At least he went and made the effort and had good intentions. I am sure there are guys who don´t spend much time thinking of the ring.

  • MrsMac2b3MrsMac2b3 Posts: 110

    I can see where you are coming from but at the end of the day, it is just a ring - you can always change it down the line, as long as your marriage is for keeps, that's what counts.

    Before we got engaged, I NEVER wore jewellery and didn't like it. My collection was from Topshop and New look, even Primark.
    In fact, I actually said yes to his proposal and didn't see the ring for about 10 minutes BUT when I did, I loved it regardless.

    Until I went to get it resized the week later (it was a half size too big!) and I had to take the receipt. I didn't look because it wasn't something I was interested in, then the girl in the shop said 'It must be love if he spent that much' obviously joking but then when I caught a glimpse of the receipt I was mortified to see how much he had spent!

    I would have rathered something much smaller and discreet, in fact I would have much rathered a car!! I work in quite a deprived area and for the first few weeks, I left my ring at home. Even now, I still get nervous about wearing it out and about.

    He wanted to do the traditional 3 months salary and buy the best ring he could afford... the sentiment is lovely but just not me -  I am way more practical than that.

    I've gotten to the point now where the price is irrelevant, I now don't  think about how it looks or what it cost - but rather what the ring represents. That is the important thing :) xo

  • MrsStateMrsState Posts: 178 New bride

    Hi Kate. I know it is easier said than done but do not be disappointed - it sounds like your husband really tried to do his best to get your prefect ring on the budget you had agreed on.  As previous posters have already said, your engagement ring signifies that someone loves you and wants to marry you. It is something that binds you together and is a personal symbol for you both - you should try not to be bothered by other people’s judgements. I bet you find that people are actually just admiring your ring or are simply looking to see if you are engaged or married not even thinking that your OH is a cheapskate. If years down the line you are still feeling conscious you could think about exchanging eternity rings and having this on your ring finger and moving your engagement ring on the right hand!?

  • I totally know where you're coming from as I have similar ring regrets in that I know it isn't as impressive as some rings. However the only person to comment on it is bizarrely my brother! I told my OH I only wanted him to spend £60 on a ring (we're both well-off but I've never bothered with expensive jewellery) but he ended up spending £200... It's a lovely ring but I'm now wishing I'd thought more about it and chosen with him - I kind of want something more unique now. However, that said, I am so so happy that he's my fiancé that I put those thoughts out of my head. my OH is a lovely sweet guy and nade a huge effort to try and find the ring I'd like... It means the world to me because of what it symbolises :) so try and think of the meaning behind it instead. And tbh once you're actually married nobody ever bothers looking at people's engagement rings; it's only a topic of conversation during the engagement (and mostly immediately after the proposal!) x

  • HereitgoesHereitgoes Posts: 206 New bride

    I just want to say Kate201 that even if how you feel seems ungrateful to some, I admire you for being so honest. You can't help how you feel but as long as you know that his heart was there and that he made the effort to want to at least make it special for you, that should help everytime you look down at your ER. Please cherish it as I regret with all my heart the fact that my ER ended up flushed down the toilet 🙈I kid you not. He had the ring made especially for me, bought the diamond from the states and had the ring made here in UK (all of which I found out after I told him everything as a blubbering wreck).The ring was 2 sizes too big and he was meant to get it resized however it never happened... 

    Unfortunately, that day will haunt me forever...Stupidly that day I decided to take the ring off whilst I was cleaning and gutting fish, I put it on the side as I just didn't want to ruined it. I then hear my 2 year crying at the top of her lungs, 'mummy we we..' So I put the ring back on my finger and sat her on the toilet, wiped her little behind, threw the tissue in the toilet and didn't connect the clinking sound with idea that it could be my ER. I flushed the loo, pulled her knickers and then went straight back to the kitchen...then a massive gasp, tears, crying on the floor (ridiculous I know), attempts to shove my hand up the toilet pipe, trying to call a plumber 😣 and then a very sad and repentant phone call to hubby to let him know what happened. 

    I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you never know what you have until it's gone. That ring was so precious, not because it was a diamond but because it was the first time hubby had ever bought me anything of any worth where he actively made the effort to make a purchase  FOR ME. 

    So please, everytime you look at that ring beam with pride, not at the size or cut, whether it's blingy or not or whether it cost an arm or a leg. Be so very happy that the love of your life wants you and only you for the rest of his life.x 

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  • I have been through a very similar thought process. I showed my partner photos of my perfect ring. He spent ages picking my ring and  awful lot of money. After the initial proposal excitement died down I was a little bit disappointed by my ring, it is not what I would have chosen at all. However, he hates shopping and literally spent days picking what he thought was the perfect ring for me. For that reason I now love the ring. It is not what I would have chosen but he put so much effort into picking it and that means so much more than if I had just chosen it myself. Don't know whether this helps at all. If not, there are always eternity rings to look forward to. Then you can go for somethings really sparkly!

  • Your missing the whole point of what the ring stands for what it means, it wouldn't matter to me if I had a sweetie ring and was showing friends  family it's what it stands for that matters not what it looks like or costs or how many carrets it has 

  • Sorry but to be blunt you are being spoilt. Your fiance chose a ring for you and it is what it represents that is important not the size or the expense.

    My engagement ring didn't cost a penny (it was my fiance's grandmothers) and I love what it represents. It isn't what I dreamed off as a little girl but it is perfect because it represents his love for me. Get the sparkles in your wedding but love your ring for what it represents and don't hurt him (because it will!) for the sake of a sparklier ring.

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  • Hi Everyone, It's a while since I originally started this thread thought it was worth an update as things have really turned around. Since posting this I have had a genuine and complete change of heart.

    Not long after beginning this thread I lost my engagement ring. We knew it had to be in the house somewhere and searched everywhere for three days. I felt so upset about it and really missed it. Then on the 4th day he came downstairs with a big grin on his face, got down on one knee and 'proposed again' and held out the ring he'd just found upstairs! I was over the moon to have it back as had come to appreciate how special it was because, in his own words, he put his heart and soul into choosing that ring.

    I was still in the habit of looking at large diamond solitaire and had the idea that maybe at some point I would have one as a dress ring on the right hand but I knew I would never replace my original ring with that one. However, since then I've stopped bothering and really do wonder why it seemed such a big deal to me at all. I'm not bothered about having another one at all now and I feel like I was affected by some kind of nasty virus that skewed my perceptions and turned me into a bit of a brat.

    So thank you for all of your comments - I just felt sometimes it's nice to know the 'ending' of some of these issues posted on the internet.

  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    Oh that's brilliant so glad you love your ring now!

  • That's so lovely! 

    Ive come to this thread late but reading through it I don't think you were acting spoilt at all. It's something you have to wear and look at for the rest of your life! 

    I had a similar experience to some of the other ladies who commented, proposed to out of the blue after 10 years. We'd never discussed getting married so I had no idea what ring I would like. I also didnt own a lot of jewellery - Topshop, Urban outfitters, a vintage Chanel watch and a couple of things from vintage markets so he didn't have a lot to go on. When he proposed, i liked the ring but didn't love it. It was white gold or platinum (I dont actually know) and I thought it was a bit modern for me plus the stone seemed a bit small and I did wonder how people would react (my friends had rocks!). I was over the moon and very touched at all the secret planning he'd been doing but I kind of wished I'd had a chance to be involved with the ring choosing. I also wouldn't have wanted him to spend a ridiculous amount of money on it though.

    Shortly after getting engaged I got pregnant again and we forgot about wedding planning for a while. When my second daughter was tiny I was changing her nappy and scratched her with my ring, I felt so bad I took the ring off and put it away (I'd also had a bit of eczema onmy ring finger too). We moved house and then around a year later I suddenly thought where is my ring! I searched everywhere and couldnt find it. We started planning the wedding again and the day we went to see the venue we booked I had one more desperate search and found it! I felt so relieved and seeing it again after all that time I loved it. I get lots of comments that it's Art Deco looking so I dont know why I didn't think so at the proposal. I'm thinking of getting a thin gold or rose gold wedding band to  mix metals 

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