Friend ditched my hen do but was out at the same place that day

Hello everyone,

looking for some advice and help. Not sure if I am over reaction or not. I had planned  hen do for a couple of months and decided to do it at Pride weekend where I live. It was fairly laid back, dinner on Friday somewhere local for people who didn't want a wild night out then Pride on Saturday with no firm plans on Sunday as we weren't sure we would feel up to anything after a day of drinking. This was mainly so my heavily pregnant friend and those with kids could choose when they wanted to come and how long for. 

One of my friends told me a few days before she had just found out her cousin was coming but that I shouldn't worry as she would meet him for a bit and wouldn't ditch  once we were there. Anyway, she did. She collected her ticket from me the night before then on Saturday missed breakfast at my bridesmaids house, missed the cake, the games that she had made an effort to organise. Then we got to pride, she didn't come and watch the parade with  but came to meet us hours later in a bar. She brought her cousin, didn't speak to us much then left. Later we ended up in the same bar as her. She messaged me to say she was downstairs and I said we had a seat upstairs due to my pregnant friend. She didn't bother to come up and say hi and I didn't see her for the rest of the day. I messaged her to say we were heading back for food and she should come. She told me she was staying  and that's the last I heard from her. Literally nothing until she messaged me on Sunday saying she was heading back to pride.

I am really upset. She doesn't seem to think she has done anything particularly wrong. She has apologised but  the same time said she didn't hear from me on Sunday and some of my other friends only made one day and that she had told me she would need to spend some time with her cousin. Now I don't want to sound like a diva but her cousin will probably come to pride again. I only plan to have one hen party. 

I feel like if she can't make the effort to see me on my hen party, when she is in the same place, she doesn't deserve a wedding invite. I have already invited her though. Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry for the long post X 


I had also made it clear her cousin was free to crash the hen party if he wanted. He also had friends with him so it wasn't that he had come alone and had no one to spend the day with.


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  • Sorry, I think my post was a bit unclear. She didn't organise anything. My bridesmaid had organised a lot of things and most friends had checked with her what was happening when so that they didn't miss the important bits. My friend who didn't spend any time with us hadn't checked plans with my bridesmaid at all.

    Thanks for your reply, I probably am over reacting. I've realised weddings make you crazy! 

  • Little JulesLittle Jules Posts: 1,538

    That's so hard, I don't really know what to say. What is she like usually - does she tend to flake or change plans a lot?

  • She does. I was actually considering having her as a bridesmaid but decided not to due previous times she's flaked on plans and how chaotic she is.

  • I think the two things that have upset me most are that she was in the same bar as us at one point and didn't even come and sit with us for a bit and her response the next day.

    If i'd missed a friends hen do because I'd got too drunk and carried away I'd be mortified and would be grovelling the next day. I'd feel so bad and she clearly doesn't. 

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Hey Hannah,

    I don't think you're wrong for feeling upset about this - that is majorly rude. The thing is, weddings can bring out the best and worst in people and really do highlight who your friends are. I completely sympathise with you in terms of dealing with friends who upset you and don't think they've done anything wrong.

    To give you my take on similar events I guess, one of my bridesmaids turned out to be a total and utter nightmare on my hen weekend. She moaned from the moment we arrived, complained that she had no money (despite being given ten months' notice to save) to the point to which I had to pay for things for her with not a word of thanks. She refused to share a bed despite saying previously that she didn't mind, then refused to share a room, didn't take part in some of the activities...she basically seemed to go out of her way to be awkward and miserable. In fact, I ended my hen weekend early partly because of her behaviour as I felt a fist from one of my other friends would've met her face otherwise! The worst thing for me was that after stropping and refusing to talk to anyone on the four hour journey back because I had to inconvenience her by driving home via my other friend's house (she had booked a train for the next day as per the original plans), she text me saying what a great time she had!! She basically perked up as soon as she got her own way and clearly thought how she acted was perfectly acceptable.

    The thing is, I decided that I could make an issue of it and have the stress of a potential fallout and possibly be one bridesmaid down just before my wedding, or brush it under the carpet. I decided on the latter because no words would've made the situation better, just worse. Instead, I remembered that the other girls on my hen do were there for me and put the effort in to make sure I had a great time, which I did! I would just leave this girl be and don't waste your energy on falling out with her and revoking the invite. On the day, you will hardly notice she is there. You will be overwhelmed by the love and support from other friends and family that you will only focus on the positives from the day. More to the point, your hen do will also be a distant memory  x

  • I can completely understand why you are upset. She behaved badly and then, to make it worse, acted like it was no big deal.

    Honestly, I wouldn't even spare her the time of trying to get more out of her. She's not a BM, only a guest so you can keep your distance from now on until the wedding.

    If she tries to get you to respond before the wedding, tell her you are too busy at the moment. If she still persists after the wedding, then you can sit her down and tell her exactly why you've cooled things off.

    If she wants to be your friend, she'll accept and should apologise. If she doesn't, and makes excuses again, then I think it might be time to call it a day with this friendship.

  • It's not the first time she's let me down. There have been issues for a while. I'm at the point where I am prepared for the friendship to end.

    She is invited to the whole wedding whereas another friend, who made a huge effort to make it to my hen do, is only invited to the evening. Just starting to think the invites should've been the other way around.

  • I think people are right though. Just leave things as they are. See if she apologises. If she doesn't just pull away from the friendship after wedding. 

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