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Should I invite my mum to the wedding

ok so this sounds awful and I hate that I'm even having to think about this, but me and my mum have never had a great relationship, we have had a few good times but that doesn't compare to the years of hell, my brother thinks she's a saint which makes this all the harder,

she is also a drunk, with the added fun of being a nasty drunk, ive already had a conversation about her not being aloud to drink on the day, which didn't exactly go down well, but recently she has been making comments about me paying for her for her clothing and hair and make up and got annoyed when I said I couldn't afford to pay for her and didn't think it was fair to expect that from me,

she also won't be getting ready with me which caused lots of annoyance from her also (mum and dad do not get along and would rather have my morning with him my stepmom)

I'm slowly getting more and more anxious that she will get drunk and cause issues at the wedding. Do I invite her and risk it or do I cut her out the wedding and cause more problems in the long run? any help much appreciated. Thanks 😘

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  • Hi JJ16

    I'm sorry to hear that your plans are being marred by a difficult relationship.  The way I view it is if your mum is a drunk who can't control her drinking and gets nasty when drunk, then I think you've already answered your own question.  She's already causing problems by insisting you buy everything for her, even though it's normally the other way round, to a point.  Is she really going to let it drop if you refuse or is she going to store resentment up, which will eventually surface and inevitably ruin the day.  Ultimately you have to decide what's best for you and your partner but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't invite her.  I'd tell her now that you would prefer it if she didn't attend, have the blazing row and move on.  I'd put it behind me and start enjoying the process and looking forward to a booze fuelled row free day.  Alternatively have a small wedding ceremony with your dad and stepmom as witnesses and at a later date after your honeymoon, throw a party, invite your mum and let her get on with it.  Chances are she'll be so miffed that there's no new outfit in the offing that she won't want to be involved. Wishing you a stress free lovely day xx

  • MrsM16MrsM16 Posts: 316 New bride

    I really feel for you.  I had the same decision with my mum.  She's not a nasty drunk, but has never been a good mother to me. I hardly know her.  In the end, I did invite her as I felt I would be shutting the door on any sort of relationship, but she ended up not wanting to be there anyway... so she didn't come. 

    As for your question.  I think if it's causing you stress and you're worried about her behaviour, you may be best to not have her there.  Your wedding should be a happy, relaxing, stress free day... you do not need the worry of someone kicking off and ruining it.  Thing is, it's so difficult because it's your mum and only you know the whole history and how you feel.  Would it completely shut a door on a relationship for the two of you if you didn't invite her?   I hope it all goes well. X 

  • We have this issue but it is my mother in law to be! she too can be a nasty drunk and has never been there for my hubby to be and only normally contacts him if she wants money or he has done something wrong! My h2b spoke to her about not drinking at the wedding as he didn't want her to cause a scene she has reluctantly agreed just to attend the church and asked us to tell people she wasn't well so had to leave! I hope you sort this out as I completeley understand how stressed out this sort of thing can make you! I have had nightmares about it.

    X

  • MrsMannionMrsMannion Posts: 1,345 New bride

    I would put it down to what will upset u more,  her not going or hes ruining the day by getting drunk. only you know whats best really xx

  • Hi JJ16, I think the thing to take from this is some comfort that you are not alone. This is my second wedding and my mother was at my first , she didn't help me get ready and left after the desert had been served.

    I have asked myself the same question though this time around, and had the same heartbreak. My mother has always been distant, never loving and whilst not a drunk she is downright rude and says exactly what she is thinking regardless of peoples feelings. My mother has Asperger's which seems to be getting worse with age and it took me a long time to learn what this means but it still doesn't mean that I can accept her behaviour.

    Since the date was set, I have made her join weight watchers - she needs clear instructions and she is super morbidly obese, I am pleased to say that she has lost a stone. My mother is also disabled caused by her uncontrolled diabetes and cannot keep a job because of her Asperger's.

    I have ended up paying for her flights and will pay for her MOB outfit, hair and make up. I cant afford it but I have decided that I do want her there and it doesn't have to be the very best, in fact I have been looking on simplybe.com and they have some lovely dressy outfits that are less than £50 and they will do. For me the hurt and resentment of not having her would last far longer than the day of the wedding. 

    You have to do what is right for you, the only other thing I can say is that the first time around I was very stressed about how she would react and behave, but I didn't even notice her. Other family members were on point and I was too busy being the bride and mingling that I didn't even know she had left until someone told me a few hours later.

     

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