To ask or not to ask? Bridesmaid problems!

Hi there,

I'm super new to this site but definitely not new to planning my wedding! I'm getting married next July on a Friday. I've recently found out that my one and only potential BM (I was planning on asking her for Christmas) will be graduating the week of my wedding in July, possibly even my actual wedding day! I've asked her when she'll know for sure but she's said she doesn't know and I can tell she's getting increasingly annoyed with my nagging, obviously because she doesn't know she's my possible BM and I'm anxious to know she'll make it! I know that she'll probably be able to give me plenty of notice for my wedding day but in terms of her being my BM or not, I need to know by New year and she would probably have to make a decision to be BM or not based on an "if".

Of course I would be gutted if she couldn't make it, but I would also never ask her to miss her graduation for me. I don't want to make her feel pressured by still asking her, but I feel like unless she knows exactly where we stand in this, it's not fair on her to make that decision. I've been in a "if I'd have known" situation with a friend before that ended badly.

So do I ask her earlier than planned and give her time to decide for herself, hoping it doesn't make her feel pressured or make the decision to not ask her and just hope she can still come as a normal guest? I just want this all to be sorted one way or another, it's an extra stress I just don't need, my bridal party have been the biggest stress of my wedding so far!


B x


  • I would say definitely ask her now but make it clear you don't expect her to miss her graduation. Perhaps give her a deadline of January to reply and explain that, if she can't let you know by then, you won't be able to proceed because you need time to arrange dress etc. If you ask nicely and explain why you need to know by a certain time, I can't see any problem. If you are set on having a bridesmaid, it might be worth thinking of someone else you can ask if this falls through. Hope it all works out for you xx

  • Hi liverbride,


    Thanks for your reply. I think that's the option I'm preferring at the moment! She's a really understanding person so hopefully she doesn't take anything the wrong way and knows that there's no pressure. Maybe if she doesn't work out as BM at least she'll know I care enough about her to ask in the first place!

    Believe it or not I originally had 3 BMs! I've had so much trouble with all of them and lost them one by one for different reasons. It's really made me paranoid about asking anyone to do anything at the wedding! Like I said, it's been the biggest stress out of everything for me. But this BM I got close to over the last year, after I had picked my original BMs.  If it doesn't work out with her, I'll probably just not have anyone!


    I'll let you know how it goes!





  • Bims09Bims09 Posts: 240 New bride

    Not quite the same situation but I can totally relate to your dilemma. Our venue was almost fully booked for weekends in 2017, so we have gone with a Friday - unfortunately, it turns out that this is the last day of term for some schools. One of my potential bridesmaids is a teacher, so doesn't know if she'll be able to book the day off for the ceremony. I haven't asked her yet, as I was waiting to see if she was successful in getting the day off to save her any disappointment. However, it's now been a couple of months...

    My friends have said it's best if I just ask her now, so that's probably what I'll do! But I won't put any pressure on her, as long as you know for sure by the time you go bridesmaid dress shopping then I think that's fine 

  • Hey everyone!

    Just thought I'd update. I asked her last night! She cried and said yes! We've agreed that we will go ahead and plan everything like she's going to be there. If she can't make it because of her graduation, she's offered to pay me back for the dress or we could try and sell it also. So it's all working out so far! She also found out from her lecturer that her faculty is usually one of the first to graduate so she should be at the beginning of the week, which means there shouldn't be any problem!

    Thanks for your help!!! xx

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