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I wish we'd just eloped

Well, the title of this topic is only 50% true really. I'm having a bit of a hard time being in love with my wedding lately. It seems like it's all about other people- so-and-so has a nut allergy, miss X wants to bring her new boyfriend, Mr and Mrs X are being awkward about acommodation, H2B's relatives being a ruddy pain about travel plans and want him to ferry them around- it just seems everyone only cares about themselves and not about the fact it's supposed to be our day. My mum and sister don't really care about my wedding as they are too involved in my sister's baby. I've had a couple of friends say they are really excited which was lovely, but the majority only seem to want to be awkward or haven't even bothered to RSVP. It feels like I don't even know half of the people who will be there- H2B has invited lots of his friends- and I know that he knows them and wants them there, but they don't mean anything to me.

Yesterday, if you had given me the option to cancel and get all our money back and bugger off to get married alone on a beach together then I would have bitten your hand off. No guests, just us- no stress. But we have paid out around 5k in venue and supplier deposits and for my dress, so that isn't an option.

I don't really know why I'm feeling like this. I'm one of those girls who has forever dreamed of her wedding day, mooned over bridal store windows and kept scrapbooks and pintrest boards of themes and favours for years. I've been waiting for years for it to be 'my turn' and I've always wanted the big white wedding. So why suddenly do I not care about any of it?

I'm hoping this is a passing phase due to annoying guests and I'm sure on the day it will all feel worth it. Even if I could cancel right now and get all my money back I'm still not 100% sure I would. But right now I'm just not in love with my wedding. Has anyone else felt this way?

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  • Hey Sammykate 

    So sorry to hear you are feeling like this but I totally get it. I am so not in love with my wedding, everything feels like it has gone wrong with ours and I am not enjoying planning it at all! 

    I've always loved weddings but haven't ever dreamed of mine but I thought I would enjoy planning it. It doesn't help that my friends and family that have got married have said how much they loved planning theirs and they are sad that it is over and I'm all "really???" I can't wait for mine to be done with! 

    I want to be married and I am looking forward to the day itself but this planning stuff can do one! 

    Sorry I cannot offer more positive comments but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone feeling like this! However I am sure that when it comes down to it your day will be totally worth it as will mine! 

    H xx

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Hi girls,

    Sorry you are both feeling this way! right now I am loving my planning and am enjoying it all but I have 100% felt how you two are feeling so I hope that this will make you both feel better knowing that it may not stay feeling this way.

    Sammykate I can totally relate to you feeling like you wont know anyone at your wedding, my OH has a lot more friends and family than I do and I spent a good few months feeling really down about the fact that 'I am the bride and the wedding is all about the groom' if you know what I mean....It felt like the day was all about him and his friends and I did feel really overshadowed and overwhelmed.  It took a good few months for that feeling to pass and although our guest list hasn't changed, i have got my head around it now and i do feel better.

    We definitely when through a little patch where we wanted to cancel our wedding as well - that was only in September and although nothing major had happened and although still totally happy with our wedding plans we suddenly hit a massive panic wall where we sat and thought 'wow - all this money gone, in one day...we could have a sizable deposit for a house and instead its just gone and over like that!'  ....it is still a huge panic of mine and still makes me feel a little queasy but ultimately we want this wedding so we decided to just suck it up and hit the saving again after we are married.  We would always regret not having this wedding if we backed out now.

    I think it is sad that your family aren't showing much interest and that would be the hardest part for me i think!

    We haven't sent our invite out yet so i am sure to be met with all the fussy so and so's when i do, but i really am at the stage now where i think, if you don't like it then don't come! there is only so much i am willing to take on board with people as it seems weddings really do bring out the worst in people.

    I hope things get better for the both of you and you start enjoying your planning again! it will all be totally worth it in the end xxxx

     

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 4,014 New bride

    Thank you both- it really is reassuring to know that other people have felt like this too! I feel like there's something wrong with me, like I've flipped from loving my wedding planning to hating it overnight. I don't know if it's because I've done all the 'fun' bits- dress shopping, cake tasting, wedding fayres- and now everything fun has been chosen and the only things left are pain-in-the-ass guests and paying for stuff.

    Do you know what, I would be totally happy if people were being fussy and just didn't want to come. Fine, I don't care. But they just want to be awkward and demanding. I don't even know most of these people. I'm not even a really sociable person, I only have a small circle of friends and prefer to be alone or just have H2B for company most of the time. So why did I think I ever wanted a big white wedding with 80 guests?! Aargh. I think it doesn't help that 99% of the awkward guests are H2B's guests- like, I don't even know you or care about you coming, yet you are stressing me out.

    I guess my mum and sister will care about my wedding again at some point, they are just too busy with the baby right now. Understandable I suppose, but it feels like because I am the second daughter to get married there is so much less excitement and caring than when my sister did it. I suppose I can look forward to the same feeling when I have a baby too seeing as she did it first. I love my sister and it's not her fault as she is barely sleeping right now so she doesn't have time to think about my wedding- but my mum should have time to care about both things.

    The money side bothers me too- to be honest I can't even think about it. I know at one stage it must have felt worth it so hopefully it will again. I think I'm also down about the money side of it because we are honeymooning in the USA and the current exchange rate is adding to my stress, as now I'm worrying about affording enough spending money to enjoy ourselves.

  • Jenni8Jenni8 Posts: 3,201

    Hey Sammykate,

    Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I think eloping thoughts must have crossed many a bride-to-be's mind, mine included. And to be honest, I can imagine that the phase of hating planning is at its worst just after sending out invites as, like you are experiencing, that is when you get all the selfish people coming out of their shells to make it all about them. It is a pretty sucky time actually because as you say, the fun stuff is done and you are just paying for stuff now.

    I imagine that I will be in the exact same position as you in the new year when I send mine out, but just try to forget about their selfishness and don't respond to their stupidity! I definitely know that is easier then done though. You are not alone and feel free to rant here whenever. xx

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    I felt exactly the same, and I cancelled the whole thing. We lost several thousand which is slightly bitter tasting, but I dont regret it, you couldnt pay me to go back to wondering whether auntie gillian would prefer chicken or lamb, or that there was plenty of non pork options for the muslims, whether MIL and FIL would stand for a photo with a kick off, or whether people would drive or get taxis, who would stay over etc.

    We actually went to the travel agent today to see about getting married abroad but that seemed more trouble than its worth and the woman hardly seemed to have a clue so who knows what will happen now.

    I have my dress tucked away in a cupboard.

    I feel slightly sorry for my bridesmaids who were excited, and my nanas who both got ahead of themselves and bought hats as soon as we booked, but other than that its actually been such a relief.

    Every married couple ive spoken too has said they completely get i and wish theyd eloped, because they found the planning just to be so much stress and expense. I guess most people have this wobble but plough on. Im glad we acted on it though, I think we were insane to plan on spending all that money, but its easy to get carried away I suppose!

    My theory is that the closer the wedding gets the worse things get. The fun exciting days of choosing dresses and colours are long gone and all thats left are tedious boring "who gives a f***" details, but you have to deal with it because its your wedding. Im sure itll all be worth it for you but It wasnt for me.

    I knew everyone in the daytime, but certainly didnt like them all, and the majority of the evening guests Ive never met, so it seemed such a waste of time, money and sanity to care about it.

  • MrsE2016MrsE2016 Posts: 1,210 New bride

    I think its a feeling most married couples go through - particularly if you have a long engagement. You also have to remember that no one will be as excited as you in the run up to your wedding because they aren't living it every day like you are. Everyone has other things to focus on/worry about day to day but they will be excited on the day!

    We planned our wedding for 15 months and after 12 we were ready to elope - at one stage it felt like it was all about other people rather than us! The feeling does pass though & you'll have the best day. 

    I do not regret having the wedding we had at all - we had around 70 guests for the day time & a further 60-80 at night (big evening reception which was one of the things I worried about) & it went off without a hitch. Everyone said that was because of the time & effort we put into planning - so many guests said it was the best wedding they'd been to & are still talking about it 6 weeks later. Your hard work will be noticed :-)

    It will all be worth it when you're married & having an amazing day wth all your loved ones (and your brand new husband!) xxx

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Oh Sammykate, I just caught glimpse that this thread was yours and I couldn't not drop in. I'm sure you know I was exactly the same as you and couldn't wait for 'my turn'. And guess what? I had this feeling several times. I think every single bride does! Please just take that as reassuring if nothing else.

    My family especially were incredibly awkward with our wedding plans. There was always some kind of issue that were literally the same as you posted. I think we're all made to feel like wedding planning is constantly rainbows and sunshine by the industry, but although the reality is different, what you're experiencing is actually pretty normal! 

    To address your issues in relation to my wedding planning:

    - We had to chase about 80% of our RSVPs. It's not lack of interest - people tend not to think about the wedding they're going to until a few weeks before and that includes sending you their initial RSVP. It's annoying, but don't be disheartened. We sent a quick reminder and got everyone's responses within the hour!

    - I NEVER got asked about our wedding plans by anyone, I think probably through fear that they wouldn't be able to shut me up about it! Remember that whilst your wedding to you may seem really close and be constantly on your mind, in normal life, it's ages away. People may not see it as relevant conversation to you because of this as opposed to not wanting to ask about it (or may not want to talk to you about it in case you're sick of answering the same questions!).

    - A lot of our guests were my husband's work colleagues or clients. It didn't bother me that they were there as it was less people for me to have to worry about spending time with on the day beyond a quick, 'Hello' and 'Thanks for coming!' There is a pressure to give your friends your time on your wedding day because of the efforts they made to be there, so by having less people from your side, you won't have to spread yourself as thinly.

    My tip to you regarding the awkward accommodation, transport and so on is to pick your battles, and for any problems you do decide to resolve, to give one solution for people to take or leave. I appreciate you can feel obliged to look after people who are making the effort to come to your wedding, but the trick is to give people less opportunity to be awkward. If you have a 'take it or leave it' approach, you will put people back in their boxes.

    I hope this has gone someway to reassure and cheer you up. Trust me when I say that all this stress will melt away on your wedding day and you will be SO GLAD you didn't do it any other way. x

  • This is really sad Sammy

    You're one of my faves in here and are always so positive so it sucks you're having a hard time with things....

    Hopefully this feeling will pass, failing that, look for your silver linings; ie, the fact that you are marrying the love of your life 😊😊😊

    A lot of people would call me a bridezilla but ironically we're the ones who make the most of th because we do it all our way... So my honest advice would be selfishness. Make it about you and watch everything fall into formation xxx

  • So many people have the same thoughts as you hun, I read a poll at least 50% of couples feel this exact same way. It's up to you because thinking on it, are you happier to lose the money and go and have a quiet one or do you think you'd be happier with the bigger do? The important thing is getting married and as long as it's with the person you love then it will be perfect.

    I've also kept scrapbooks and stared for hours at wedding dresses, etc but me and my partner have agreed it's just way too much as we have no support either so we're gathering 10 people, cancelling everything and doing a runner! A few girls on here suggested having a quiet wedding now and maybe having a vow renewal later on with a bigger ceremony?

     

    Good luck xx

  • gill17gill17 Posts: 568 New bride

    We wanted a really small wedding, we ended up with 32 adult guests and 6 kids, nearly all my guests were family- but my MIL invited several ppl who I'd never met which upset me but i figured it wasnt worth falling out with her over. She then asked them to the pre-wedding family meal and I had to put my foot down! I had loads of hassle with transport arrangements, food issues (including being let down by not one but 2 caterers) and loads of crap about the invite wording we chose, not having a gift list, too much to go in to really! I kept telling myself that as long as we got married then everything was just a nice extra. We thought about sodding off and getting married on a beach somewhere but I couldnt do that to my mum. In the end we kept going back to what we had decided were the priorities and cut other stuff out. We made the wedding planning fit into the time we allocated for it, and had wedding chat free evenings to preserve our sanity! 

    In the end we had a lovely day and we are glad we stuck to what we wanted. We didnt have much of the traditional things and were worried how it wud go down, but in the end as soon as i saw him smiling at me nothing else matters. Have faith that all the plans will be worth it, all the late evenings of cutting ribbons or whatever will be worth it. U r right that weddings bring out the worst in others, but its their issue not yours. On the day you'll forget about the chicken/ fish hassle and just love every minute of it! Maybe take a break from it for a few days? Or do something fun, like get your hair done and try on your veil? Or get a manicure trial? We've all been there and I'm sure youll come out the other side!! Xxxx

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 4,014 New bride

    Thank you so much everyone. I feel like such a drama queen! It's not like I want to just call the whole thing off- I want so much to be married to H2B and I have to remember that I wanted the big white wedding and everything that goes with it. I think there's a point that you realise planning a wedding isn't just pretty dresses and champagne manicures! But they don't advertise the not-fun bits in the glossy wedding magazines, do they? If anything I wish we'd never invited the difficult guests- but you don't know in advance which ones will be a pain in the ass!

    I really appreciate hearing from those of you that are married that you felt the same but it was all worth it in the end. I really really wanted the big white wedding at the start of this so I just hope it is what I want in the end! I think doing something fun wedding related is a really good idea to help me like it again.

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218 New bride

    I completely get this thread. I've only been planning my wedding since May and get married may next year. I just can't be bothered right now. 

    I also feel it's for everyone else's benefit. My mum is getting carried away with "extra little bits" and it's like she's forgetting we are paying for those bits. We have a harpist, which I love, but I know we won't get to hear her much as we will be having photos, but now my mum is on about a pianist for our welcome at the evening venue, again we will be off having more photos! so I begrudge spending extra money for our guests that we will miss out on. That sounds mean but I'm sure you understand what I mean lol. 

    I also get the whole sister and baby thing. I call it the "S (sisters name) show". my sister literally walks around with her baby in the air, like the lion king moment. I tried my dress for the first time and when I came out from behind the curtain they gasped, then before I knew it they were waving the baby around at the shop staff and it turned it to the "S show". it did hurt but I'm getting used to it. 

     

    I hope you feel better soon. I am currently ignoring the fact I have no wedding flowers sorted with 6 months to go lol. I'm sure the feeling will pass though xxx

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    I'm feeling off with the whole wedding. I never wanted the big white wedding. 

    When I was seven years old I even said I was going to Gretna Green to get married. I didn't know where it was, just knew I wanted to get married there. 

    We chose the big wedding as family is important to us. We knew h2b ex wife would not allow us to take the children away for a wedding nor could our grandparents travel too far. 

    But I find it so overwhelming. I second guess every decision I make! I'm hoping it's just a phase, I have 16 months to go and want the excitement back again. 

     

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 4,014 New bride

    You have no idea how good it is to hear I'm not alone! I mean, I'm sorry you're also feeling like that, but at least I'm not a crazy person.

    Dora, you are so right about everything in the wedding being for someone elses benefit! 'Lets order canapés just so people don't get hungry although I know we won't manage to eat anyway' etc. If we were just doing it alone we could be totally selfish about it. Also your sister holding her baby like the lion king made me laugh out loud! My sister isn't too bad, its more my mum. She even suggested my sister carries her baby down the aisle as my bridesmaid  Which is probably the first time she'd botheree to mention my wedding in months!

    MrsThomas, you're right about needing to get the excitement back. I'm just not quite sure how to do it right now. I guess it will happen next year when we have things like the menu tasting and the engagement shoot?

  • NikkiMNikkiM Posts: 1,654 New bride

    Ha ha Dora the lion king image made me laugh. That was my experience when my sister had her first baby and my mum was obsessed! I was kind of glad I didn't have to experience the obsessed grandmother first. I just get to deal with the first time Mother of the Bride. Probably just as bad actually!

    I fell out of love with wedding planning in the middle of it all. First when we discovered how much everything was going to cost, then not enjoying wedding dress shopping, then after issues with a bridesmaid dress and then after my mum's objections to the menu. I'd had enough and wanted to cancel it all and get married on the cheap somewhere else. It's not as fun as its made out to be. It's stressful and draining at times.

    Luckily the excitement and fun did come back. I got stuck into wedding DIY projects and started ticking big to do's off my list. We've got just over 4 months to go so there's not long at all. We've just sent out the invites and already I'm getting annoyed by the lack of responses (they were only sent out 4 days ago so it's still early days!). 

    All wedding planning has its up and downs. I'm looking forward to getting it done and enjoying the day and the honeymoon afterwards. I'm sure you will get back into enjoying it. Just enjoy the rollercoaster that is wedding planning - hopefully we won't have to do it again!!

  • I completely understand your feeling since I too have been feeling like this like many have said, it seems everyone goes through feeling like.

    You have to remember why you are doing it and in hindsight you would regret it if you did just elope. Me and my HTB often think of how much easier and less expensive it would be to jet off somewhere instead and how much less hassle it would be. But its planning a perfect day that takes patience and preparation. 

    You're not alone x

     

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218 New bride

    Glad the lion king comment made you all laugh. But it really is so true. 

    My niece will be 13 months old and is my flower gIrl. I was hoping my brother in law would bring her over to the venue just before the wedding but my family are insisting on having her there while we get ready. I LOVE my niece to pieces, but can see it turning in to the "S show" while we are getting ready for MY wedding. But I may be surprised lol. 

    My sister is also walking my niece down the aisle. My sister isn't an "official" bridesmaid but I want her in the same colour as my BMs. My mum has found a dress for her which is lace on top and a poofy skirt. its knee length but my dress is lace top and poofy top. I've said no but my mum thinks I'm being ridiculous. Put my foot down though lol. 

     

    Its reassuring reading so many people have felt this way though. Hope everyone gets their planning sparkle back soon.  

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