To invite OHs friend or not!? Opinions please

Hi All, 

Whoever who said planning a wedding is the most exciting and happy time of your lives was obviously lying. It's been pretty stress free except a few minor issues until now. Basically OH has a friend (female) from childhood times, who was on the guest list as he's know her for such a long time. But he has told me that he's had a major crush on her previously and not long before he met me, he'd messaged saying he can't be friends with her anymore because it's too difficult for him. I have however since then met her, twice and the second time she just acted like a bit of a brat and had a sulk when he disagreed with her on something. She doesn't ever make the effort to get in touch with him, he makes all the effort and I don't understand why he bothers! 

Anyway, we come to sending out invites and sorting out photos for everyone (our table plan has peoples pictures) and he picks a photo of her after going through Facebook from 2013 where she looks really attractive and I will admit that I lost my cool - that's putting it subtly. He said he's not going to invite her as he doesn't want anything or anyone there to ruin my day and I thought we'd left it at that. And I was starting to feel a little guilty and like I had overreacted so I was going to send her an invite anyway as a gesture that I do trust him and accept that the day is about him too until this morning where he brings her up again resulting in another almighty argument. I don't understand why we're talking about someone who obviously doesn't care about him to make any kind of effort. And now I feel like an idiot for trying to do something nice for him by inviting her. 

Basically, am I overreacting about all of this? Should I just invite her and get over it? Would be lovely to hear your opinions as you lovely ladies are so helpful on the threads here! 

Posts

  • This screams of jealousy to be honest, and I don't think it's unreasonable in the circumstances, BUT, she still is his friend.

    I don't think to be a close friend you have to be in contact daily and see each other often. My closest friend and I didn't see/speak to each other for 7 years when I moved away for uni, I came home and it was like I hadn't been away, he's now moved away and I haven't seen him for probably a year and we only really speak when either of us needs something, but my little girl is still a flower girl at his wedding next year and I'm still considering having him be my witness. He hs asked my out in the past, when I returned from uni, but it hasn't changed the dynamics of our relationship and his W2B is bloody perfect for him.

    He hasn't cheated on you with her, we all have pasts and we all have crushes, even when in relationships. He has been upfront with you and that's the main thing, you should take comfort from that he hasn't tried to hide it from you, that says a lot. I don't think you should dictate to him who he can and can't invite to his day, he's marrying YOU, he chose YOU and I think it would be odd not to invite her.

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I completely agree with what MrsStobe said. I think you need to be the bigger person here. I think you should just invite her and not think anything more of it.

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    From what youve written it sounds like hes only friends with her (or not friends with her) because he fancies her, if thats the case then wtf?!

    If not it would depend on the rest of your list. Are you having other rarely seen friends to the day time? Is she a close friend etc.

    If his behaviour with the fancying makes you jealous then thats not just your problem and ge should matbe not be telling you about his longterm crushes and inviting them to your wedding, but if thats not how it actually is then its  always good to be reasonable about these things.

  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    I have to say that if my OH said that they had had such a crush on someone that he had to tell her it was too difficult to see her then that's someone I wouldn't particularly want at the wedding. However it does come down to trust at the end of the day, can your OH honestly say he feels absolutely nothing for her now, if he can't then that's an issue to be resolved in your relationship now before you get married.

  • sam79sam79 Posts: 160 New bride

    Thanks for your responses ladies, I know I sound jealous but in all honesty, I'm not. I'm just worried that I would feel uncomfortable with having her there, although I probably wouldn't even notice, hence why I thought about sending her an invite anyway. 

    I think why it upset me is because it's the anniversary of my dad's death and I was feeling sad about not only that but also about the fact that he won't be at our wedding, hence the wedding talk and then his friend being brought up in conversation regarding whether she could attend or not. I just felt it was insensitive but he's never lost anyone close to him and I find people who haven't find it really hard to know what it feels like. 

    Anyway, feeling a little calmer but still not sure I want her there......sigh. There's something about her I don't like, if that makes any sense. I think she's used to having him wrapped around her little finger and she isn't a fan of him being with me. I think in their friendship, because he did have a crush on her and she knew it, she was able to manipulate him a little and now that that's stopped she's not too happy. But at the end of the day, he chose me and I should be happy. The question is, am I confident and strong enough to not be bothered by her on the day? 

     

  • I'm sorry to hear about your dad 

    Just think, on the day, you're going to be the most beautiful person in the room, all eyes are going to be on you, your H2B will be parading his new wife and it won't matter one bit that she could be there.

    I think you just need to sit down with your H2B and explain to him how you feel. If you genuinely think it's a one sided friendship, and you express this calmly and in a genuinely concerned for your H2B way, I think he'll understand. I find things like this go one of two ways depending on the delivery of the message. First way when you lose your cool, your a jealous, psycho W2B (not saying you are!) second way, calmly, genuinely and with thought, will show your intentions are good and that you're not coming from a malicious place. 

    If you do the first way, your H2B may well stick to his guns just to spite you, or if he chooses not to invite her, he could resent you for it, either way it won't be a great start to married life.

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