Fall out with Mother & Sister in Law to Be

Evening all,

Just after some emotional support and advice but without sounding too negative...

My wedding is 5 months away and up to now I've been planning for my sister in law to be one of my two bridesmaids. Long story but I lost my phone last weekend and my mother in law offered to lend me her spare phone which was nice of her however I have come across some very bitchy messages between the two of them.

All i ever wanted was for them to both feel as involved as possible from the very start including shopping for my dress and the bridesmaids dresses which have all been ordered but have come to the conclusion that they wasn't bothered in any of this after all. The messages include words around 'let's make out to be ill on the day', 'I really can't be bothered to go but we will have to get on with it' and 'have you seen what she (me) has posted in the wedding whatsapp group'. I have always got on so well with my OH's family and love them so much so you can imagine I was very shocked to have seen these Messages.

I decided to confront them both and they have both taken the time to come and see me to talk things over. My MIL's excuses are around thinking that none of her family would be invited (not where she got this idea from as I certainly wouldn't let it happen) and SIL's excuses have been that she is overweight and feels uncomfortable dress shopping. I have expressed my upset and frustration by saying that they should have shared this with me rather than talking behind my back. They are both very apologetic but I feel that the trust has now been broken and things will not be the same for a long time. 

What are your thoughts around keeping my SIL as a bridesmaid? Would you go ahead with it? Thanks all x

Posts

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I can see why you are upset as I would feel the same way. However, they have both apologised and I think you can either decide to move on from this or dwell on it. If it was me I think I would accept their apology and put it behind me. Otherwise you risk entering married life with this hanging over you.

    As for the BM question, have you spoken to your SIL about this? She may decide to step down? I think it's your decision but bear in mind that not having her may make things more difficult in the long run.

  • Oh no! What an awful situation. I would feel very betrayed and hurt.

    If you no longer have your SIL as a bridesmaid it will put your relationship back even futher (possibly permanently). Not that avoiding that is a reason to keep her....

    If you don't need to make an immediate decision then see how things play out for a bit. My guess would be that the SIL is jealous and as a result is showing her worst side (that's not an excuse).

    Personally I'd keep her to show you're the bigger person. But torally understand if you boot her out.

  • Thanks Bella. Right now I'm just so unsure about everything so hopefully in time the dust will settle and I can make my mind up. But youre right in what you say about going into married life and their family. It might be best to give her the option as although she chose a size she thought she would slim down to I don't want her to feel under pressure?

  • Thank you the new Mrs P. It's crazy how you can have fall outs with those that are closest too and I never imagined this ever happen as I think so much of them. I think both me and my SIL have a lot to think about in terms of moving forward, just not sure where to start...

  • gill17gill17 Posts: 568 New bride

    I would say that they have apologised and you need to just rise above it and move on. I think mob mentality is a dangerous thing and u can get caught up in it quickly, they prob egged each other on. You need to think about the next 30 years, rathet than this issue, and just try to move on past it. Think about the long game!

  • Mrs B2b3Mrs B2b3 Posts: 255

    I would think that you are in a strong position after all that's happened. You know the type of people they are so you can be prepared for any of this type of behaviour in the future. Having said that you could know just put it to one side and get on with the planning. 

    It's your man that you're marrying. His family aren't important in the bigger picture. 

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Whatever you decide to do about the bridesmaid situation I would stop involving them in plans with immediate affect and just let then turn up on the day.

    I wouldnt know what to do about the bridesmaid thing though, I wouldnt have SILs as bridesmaid personally because I like mine but Im not exactly close and I only wanted people I genuinely want to be in the bridal party. Would you have said SIL was your friend as opposed to just your SIL? If not and youve asked her for family reasons then I would probably say keep her because she will still be family. But if its because you classed her as a friend then I would have some serious thinking to do. From experience the worst thing to do is keep a bridesmaid just to get through the wedding when neither of you want that but also dont want to upset each other.

    I know I personally would fully understand if I slagged a bride off, got found out and then was asked to step down as bridesmaid, it would be all my own fault and I would accept that and feel ashamed of myself.

  • Thanks for your advice and kind words. I decided to give my future SIL the option and think she feels relieved although it never meant she never wanted to be a bridesmaid the pressure is now off to lose weight in time etc. Now what do I do about moving forward? I only have my sister as a Bridesmaid now, is just one bridesmaid odd? To make matters worse my OH has asked that with all the drama going on can we make the ceremony smaller with much less people. He isn't looking forward to day at all and although he wants to make me happy he thinks that all the stress and drama isn't worth it. With just 5 months to go I'm not sure how the venue will be able to help so am waiting to have a call with them.  They say bad luck comes in threes!

  • Sounds like you couldn't have dealt with this any better. Don't worry about only having one bridesmaid, I was my sisters only bridesmaid at her wedding earlier this year and it didn't look odd at all.

  • I think we can all be a bit guilty of some of the things we say in "private", and these things aren't always meant with any real bitchiness or spitefulness.  Would you want anyone else to read all your whatsapp conversations?  I'm sure I wouldn't!

    I agree that it sounds like you handled it well - you would have needed to talk to them about it and they have now apologised so hopefully you can all move on.

    I hope you have a really fantastic wedding.

  • Thank you x

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