I'm sorry to put this here but please help? Trigger warning.

I just need some clarification on something, I know this is not the place to be putting this but I don't know who to ask or where to write. I got great support from here when I was getting married, but I am sorry!

Last night i met up with a boyfriend of a friend who recently passed away. The reason for our meeting was to talk about our friend and have a drink to her. i had never met him before as he lived in australia (he flew to england for the funeral), and for that reason I didn't tell my husband, I didn't want him to get the wrong impression for our meeting (stupid i know!!!!)

anyway, we went to the pub to cheers our friend, I ended up having much too much wine. however, I was in control of myself and aware of the surroundings. Once I said i wanted to go home he said he would pay for a cab back to the train station so he knew i was getting home safely. 

we got in the cab and it stopped at his hotel, he said he needed to get some more money out his room, i trusted him, as my friends boyfriend, and went upstairs to wait whilst he got his money. I fell on the floor in the room, and I had reached a level of drunkness where it was becoming a chore to move or control myself, so i waited on the floor. he came over to me and lifted up my skirt, i told him no and put my skirt back down (i was wearing tights). however, he then continued to rub my intimate area through my tights, and was quite forceful after i tried to get him off.

I ended up punching him and trying to get out the room, he wouldnt let me out till i had calmed down.

we then went downstairs and got into a cab to get to the station, whilst he went to get me a bottle of water a girl came over to me and asked why i was crying, i told her what happened and she said oh no, thats terrible, but it happens a lot. she asked me where i was getting a train to and she said she would wait with me.

then i proceeding to start being sick! 

he then came back and saw i was sat with her, and pulled me away and put me on the train, he insisted on getting the train with me so i wasnt alone. when i reached my stop i told him to walk to the other platform to get the train back into london, but he was insistent on seeing me into the taxi and paying for that. he then proceeded to put £50 in my purse.

I feel very upset and confused, I haven't told my husband.

i feel like I have done something completely wrong, even though the touching was completely uninvited. I just wanted some clarity on the situation, am I being over dramatic? Do I have a right to be upset? Have I done something wrong?

I can't believe I am this upset over someone touching me through my tights!

Sorry for rambiling, and  once again I apologise for writing this in this forum :(

Posts

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    You have done NOTHING wrong!

    He made inappropriate advances towards you and touched you in a way you disliked. It then sounds like he tried to isolate you from seeking help and pay you off.

    Go to the police and report him. Tell your husband. I know it will be hard and I completely understand why you didn't tell your husband who you were meeting or why. I will often just tell hubby I am going out after work and not give full details (for no 'nasty' reason, but he doesn't want to know or need to know where I am all the time)

    You are not alone and if you need to talk to someone in confidence about this, there are many helplines that you can call in confidence.

    But please - tell the police.

     

  • MashMash Posts: 73

    Seconded, please go and tell the police. 

  • Exactly what MrsTwizbe said.... You did nothing wrong! He did. You should report him, and get support from those you love. xx

     

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,922 New bride

    Please tell your husband what happened. He loves you and he will understand why you may have been a little vague about who you were meeting in the first place.

    You must also go to the police- if this man can behave like that towards you, who knows what he will do to other women?

  • Fiona98Fiona98 Posts: 367 New bride

    You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You have every right to be upset. Your consent was violated and he had no right to do any of that!! The way you are feeling is completely normal. It sound like the moment he saw you talking to someone else he freaked out and tried to stop you doing that. I also suspect the paying for taxis etc was his way of, as said above "paying you off" or possibly coming from guilt. 

    The first thing you need to do is talk to your husband. It may be hard but trust me (from experience) it will be better than keeping it in. You may want to contact the police but I didn't, I was 17 at the time and didn't tell anyone what happened until I was 27, I wish I had and I do wish I had gone to the police. It may be hard but it may also allow you closure on what happened, and allow you to realise (as said above) that it was NOT in any way your fault. 

    I am sorry that this happened to you at a time when you were also vulnerable and grieving. If you want an understanding ear to listen then please feel free to PM. sending big hugs. x

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    Just another question is it like you to be sick from alcohol? How much had you drunk and was it usual for you to lose enough control that you fall to the floor? Did you leave your drink with him unattended?

    I am not saying he did, but could he have put something in your drink?

  • Elly6Elly6 Posts: 3

    Thank you very much everyone, I really appreciate your responses xxxxxx

    @MrsTwizbe - I have been sick from alcohol before but it's not common, probably around 5 times (I'm 25). I am rarely sick at all in general. I left my drink there when I went to the toilet xx

  • InaIna Posts: 12

    You should not be feeling guilty, but i would def tell my husband!

  • MrsM16MrsM16 Posts: 316 New bride

    I am so sorry to read that this happened to you.  I echo what's been said above - you have done NOTHING wrong, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.  You certainly are NOT overreacting.

    I would urge you to speak to your husband and police.  I am sure he will be more concerned and want to support you than anything else.

    Sending lots of love. X

  • Bims09Bims09 Posts: 240 New bride

    I agree with what everyone else has said. You went for a drink with good intentions and this man took advantage of you, it is entirely his fault and you are not to blame. I appreciate that it may be difficult to tell your husband but trust me, he will only care about your safety and wellbeing.

     

  • Mrs NeekMrs Neek Posts: 445 New bride

    I really didn't want to read this and move on. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. He made inappropriate advances towards you, at the end of the day NO means NO.

    I would urge you to report it to the police as its sexual assault, it sounds like this is a very difficult situation for you, one were you will need all the support, try talking to your husband as this is something you shouldn't have to bare alone.

    There's a lot help out there (I'm a psychological Therapist) so if you need any numbers im happy to provide them to you. All the best whatever you decide to do xxxx  

  • I'm so sorry to read this. This is sexual assault and you have every right to be upset about it!  This man has completely taken advantage of you and by the sounds of it quite possible tried to date rape you, what is to stop him doing this to others in the future?  Absolutely report this man to the police and speak to your husband about it and in doing so I really hope you find a way to move on from this terrible experience xxx

  • Elly6Elly6 Posts: 3

    Thank you everyone, I am going to report it to the police. I just needed clarification on whether I was overreacting or not, I appreciate all your comments xxxx ♥

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