Vent, help and advice - moving in together

Hi

We got engaged before living together - yes we pretty much did during weekends and holidays, but last Friday we moved in together into a new house for us both.

So I've been living in my flat for 6 years, paying all the bills, budgeting and doing all the chores, and prior to that lived away during uni. Whilst HTB has had the pleasure of living with mum his whole life (he's 35!).

Whilst I love cooking, I tolerate cleaning and laundry tasks etc, my HTB seems to think it's acceptable for me to come home 3.5 hours after him, find him playing computer games/watching DVDs and make tea, wash up and get washing out (which means his shirt for work won't be dry in time for tomorrow).

On the couple of occassions he's asked to help he's come when the juggling of jobs is over and there's barely enough to keep me in the kitchen let alone both of us. 

How can I tell him to pull his weight without starting a row? I'm very independent and used to coping on my own, and he's used to having his mum look after him completely, but she doesn't work at all, let alone full time like me. 

I've come to bed to read - we don't have an aerial or wifi yet and repeats for Allo Allo are doing my head in - I don't think I've even been missed yet...

Posts

  • Oh dear :( Moving in with someone is always trying and takes a lot of compromise! It seems to me that your fiancé doesn't mean to leave you to do everything but that the household jobs just aren't as much of a priority for him as they are for you. It may be that he doesn't even see that things need doing! My OH was much the same when we first moved in together.

    Have you ever had a houseshare? Did you have a cleaning rota? Maybe you could look at it a bit like that. My partner and I have a list taped to the fridge and the jobs are divided up by day, not by person. Because we both have big jobs and work long hours, that way whomever happens to be home on a particular evening does the job - if we are both home we do it together. Maybe you could try that? 

    I approached it by saying, one weekend, "Wow we've both had a really stressful week, I feel like we haven't kept on top of the housework this week. I was thinking we could split the jobs into days and that way we weren't always panicking about getting stuff done by the time the weekend rolls around, what do you think?" That way you make it bout easing the pressure on your household "team" rather than making one of you the bad guy. 

    It might not work for you guys, but I thought I'd share my experience! Hope you work things out.

  • Ah it's always hard when they are fresh from the nest! I had similar frustrations with H2B when we bought our house together. He had lived in his own flat with a flat mate but it looked like a student house - cables everywhere, DVD cases, empty glasses, ash trays...

    As Miaow8690 said, I realised his idea of a clean & tidy house was very different to mine. After some time I would try to lay off the housework and he started to notice how cluttered it was becoming. He started to pull his weight but then I found myself going over his hard work anyway - hob looked smeared and things put in wrong cupboards, even hoovering too vigorously and denting the skirting board :). Now I'm less resentful of getting the lion's share as everything is done how I want it!

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    You need to draw up a rota like you would with any other housemate and agree on weekly tasks. You need to nip this in the bud now.

  • When we moved in we sat and had an honest no arguing say how you feel chat about our expectations and how we would manage everything... i just said that the things most people argue about is money or housework or both! So wanted to get it straight so neither of us let things build up! We also had an agreement for the first 3 months especially that when something annoyed you to just tell the other person so you weren't getting resentful and angry I.e. I always squeezes the toothpaste from the middle and he couldn't stand it and he would happily leave the washing up from dinner till the next day when I couldn't relax if it was there! it really worked and any niggles were flushed out in the first few weeks! 

    with the cleaning I discovered he actually prefers me to tell him what needs doing! Men tend to just not see everything that needs doing! Now we found the jobs we call 'ours'... I hate hoovering so he's on that and mopping, and he also does most of the washing... but any 'proper' cleaning that requires an eye for dust or detail I will do like the dusting/polishing/skirting boards and bathroom! He did the bathroom  couple of times but his idea is a quick bit of bleach down the loo and in the bath and you're done 😂🙈

    And we share the cooking, whoever is home first cooks dinner! I think everyone has their own strengths and things they do t mind doing... and don't be afraid to ask if he'd prefer a list of jobs... somwtimes they prefer that so they know the expectation and can avoid any arguments lol xx

  • Stop feeding him and doing his washing...he'll soon learn 

  • get a cleaner.  seriously, best £20 per week we've ever spent.  She isn't quite as thorough as I am, but oddly enough, because she's a professional I accept it.  Whereas if fiance didn't move the furniture when vaccing I would silently seethe that he wasn't doing it properly.  It makes him tidy up too as he wants to pay for a cleaner not a tidy-upper so wednesday morning he's round the house like a demon putting (mostly his) stuff away.

  • Haha YES BECKY 😄👍🎉 that's my plan for once we have children! 

  • MrsR17MrsR17 Posts: 95 New bride

    Agree with Hullass - my OH is pretty hands on in the house but every once in a while he gets lazy so I stop doing the stuff for him (i.e. laundry he leaves everywhere, I refuse to pick it up and he then complains he has no clean clothes, yes as they weren't in the wash for me to wash) and he ends up doing it himself and gets the hint.

    He has got to the simple tasks of hoovering without being asked now and emptying the dishwasher before I get home, the simple things just need a push and sometimes the conversation just has to be had, you are an adult now and I am not your mother I have said on many occasions :)

    He does most of the cooking so I can't complain about taking the bigger share of the cleaning.

     

     

  • You definitely need to nip it in the bud now. Like Italy bride says you need to talk about your expectations: you aren't his mum and work full time so you can't clean up after him. He needs to raise his game and do his fair share.  Like some of the others, we have set sort of roles. My hubby is OCD about cleaning so he will do the bathroom, but I do all the bed clothes and washing, plus most of the hoovering. You just need to get into a routine and work together but he needs to see that he can't expect you to do it all! 

  • Kylie9 wrote (see post):

    you are an adult now and I am not your mother 

    I'm so going to try this line 😄

  • Bims09Bims09 Posts: 240 New bride

    Agree with Hullass 100% - stop doing things for him, if he then doesn't have any clean clothes for work then it's his own fault!

    I moved in with my other half a year ago, and it was a big change for both of us. I can be messy but have made more of an effort to tidy up after myself, as it used to drive him mad lol. Whereas I used to end up doing most of the cooking, preparing breakfast and lunch etc - now he cooks a lot more and we take it in turns, which feels to me like we're more equal.

    You'll find your groove, just have an honest chat :)

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