My Fiancé is having doubts

I feel like I can't talk to anyone close to me about this, because I honestly don't know what to feel or what to do. I've known my FI for 6 years. I am 23 and he is 24  We were best friends for 3 years before we started dating. He came to my family holiday events and was close with my dad before anything even blossomed between us. And when the timing was right our relationship seemed to come natural. After dating for a year I moved into an apartment with him. Things went well and we could actually make a pretty good team living together. It was his idea to buy a house. He has a good job and we're lucky enough to be able to afford it together. we talked about marriage and I just knew he was the man I am supposed to spend my life with, and he felt the same about me. We decided to go about things out of order and felt no need to rush marriage. The day we bought our house  invited all our family over to show them around, I had no idea they were all in on his proposal. I was shocked. I honestly had no idea he had decided but I said yes immediately. We're young and I didn't want to rush things so our wedding date is about two years after we got engaged. Well our wedding is in 7 months and we have deposits down and I have dress appointments booked and last night out of no where he tells me he doesnt know if he wants to marry me and thinks that the marriage is too soon. I am absolutely devasted and don't know what to do. We talked for almost two hours about it and he couldn't tell me he was sure he would want me forever. I don't understand, is this serious cold feet or something more? i just don't understand because he chose to propose to me, he initially wanted to get married a lot sooner, i wanted a longer engagement. He says he doesn't know why he's suddenly changed his mind but he's not sure if he wants to get married, yet he still loves me and wants to be with me, just isn't sure I'm the one he is supposed to spend his life with. We talked and I think getting it off his chest helped a lot. He told me today to keep my appointments and keep planning. I feel sick to my stomach and have wanted to breakdown and cry at work all day. I know he is the one for me and him not feeling the same is breaking my heart. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you. 

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  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    Oh Abbi2 that is so sad, I can see why you would be devastated. I can't tell you what to do but I can offer you the benefit of my experience and hindsight. I'm 47 and will be getting married for the first time in the summer, but before I met my lovely fiancé I was in a long term relationship with someone who I thought was the love of my life. I spent many years hoping and praying that we would get married and when we were first together he had said that one day we would but as time past he put up one barrier after another until eventually he admitted that he didn't want to get married. We eventually split up and about 18 months later he married someone else, so it wasn't a case that he didn't want to get married,  he just didn't want to marry me. I think when you are young and you meet someone it isn't always the right one sometimes it takes life experience to learn who you are and as you age and mature you become a different person. Maybe this is something that your partner is experiencing, maybe it is just cold feet and maybe he will change his mind, but what is most important is that both of you know wholeheartedly that getting married is right for both of you and if either of you have doubts then you should postpone or cancel the wedding. As hard as it is right now one day you will realise that your experience will have been for the best whether that is you do get married to your current partner or whether things come to an end and you both move on in different directions it will I promise you be the right way in the end. I would confide in your mum or best friend as you do need some good emotional support while you are dealing with this. best wishes x

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I completely agree with what Tanya says. You cant go ahead with the wedding if one of you has doubts.  That was me 10 years ago when I was 23 and married my first husband. Needless to say we split up not long after and got divorced,  and everything ended up very messy. I went ahead with the wedding as I was too embarassed to back out but I can honestly says it's the biggest mistake of my life. Its easier to walk away from a wedding than it is to get divorced, trust me!!

  • LucykinsLucykins Posts: 701

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

    He has told you to carry on planning, but really I think he needs to make his mind up about what he wants before any more planning goes ahead. It's completely unfair to expect you to carry on as normal and carry on booking things. I think you need to speak to him very honestly and ask him to make a decision about what he wants, sooner rather than later. It will be devastating if he decides it's not what he wants, but you will be better off knowing in the long run.

     

  • You've had some excellent advice on this thread already. Completely agree with all that has been said.

    I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. Whatever the outcome you will look back in the future and see what a rough time you had and what  strong woman you are to have coped.

    You will marry the man of your dreams. Maybe it's your fiancé and you'll figure this out. Or maybe he isn't meant for you and there is a different path for you both. But everything will be ok.

  • So sorry to hear that you are going through this at the moment. Especially when he has been the one leading it all. The best thing you can do, as enduring as it can be, is try to give him space and time to regather his thoughts. Men are a funny species and unfortunately he is at the age where he probably sees a lot of his friends living the single life and wonders what he is missing out on - before he settles down and waves goodbye to his 'youth' forever. It's really unfair on you and you sound like a wonderful fiance.

    The good thing is that he is trying to be honest with you - which many men (and women) struggle with. His words are quite brutal but you both know how to communicate properly and you should be proud of yourselves for that. At the moment you won't be able to imagine a life without him, but it's important to remember your self-worth and that if he doesn't think you are the one for him then he will probably live to regret it.

    I met someone in my early twenties who I was besotted with. He had recently split from his long-term girlfriend and he told me that he ended things with her because he didn't want to miss his chance with me. I thought things were going well until six months in, he ended things without explanation. Later that evening I went to the video shop (back when they were a thing) and he was in there holding hands with his ex. They are happily married now with a cute kid and as much as she & I probably despised each other at the time, they obviously needed to learn the hard way that the grass isn't always greener. And likewise, looking back, he's not at all who I would want to be with now! But as Mrs P says, it did make me stronger.

  • MrsNH17MrsNH17 Posts: 625 New bride

    Really sorry to hear this it must be so so hard. But you can't carry on with planning with this hanging over your head - you need to speak openly and honestly to one another and possibly put the wedding on the back burner until both of you are 100% in your decision. 

    Lots of hugs xxxx

  • Really sorry to hear this, you must be going through hell right now. I would say, though, that it is a good thing that he has voiced his doubts now rather than waiting until you got married. I married just over ten years ago at a similar age to you, despite having serious doubts in the run up to the day. I didn't say anything as I was too scared to stop the wedding planning process and was worried that my parents would lose the money they had spent. 

    Needless to say our marriage was terrible, we were like house mates rather than a couple within a year. We persevered and four years on I found out that he had been having numerous affairs - I can't say that I blame him as we were more like mates than anything else.We eventually split up and I have since met and married the love of my life. I knew that my current hubby was the one when we met and I had no doubts at all about marrying him. 

    You both need to be sure that you're marrying the right person, you both need to be totally in love, and to know that you will never want anyone else. Let him take the time he needs now to work out exactly where his head is, and keep talking to him throughout. 

    Good luck and I hope that whatever happens you end up with the love of your life, whether you have met him yet or not.

    Take care xx

  • Abbi2, my husband did the same thing about 2 years before we got married.  It was completely out of the blue, I was working at home and he just randomly called my name out (he was on night shifts, so was supposed to be asleep) and when I went into our bedroom, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me.  I was devastated, I went out for a while to a friends house, and when I came back he apologised, explained that he was worrying about the cost, and that he was insecure because he thought I might walk away just before we got married (I did do this to my son's father in 2005, but I'd come to my senses and realised he wasn't the man for me).  We'd been to see venues and the costs were something he'd been worrying about, but we'd finally found somewhere, and we were about to put the deposit down, so he was obviously just making sure he knew what he wanted.

    The aim of me telling you this, is that it might work out for the best, and it could just be a momentary thing, but you need to have an in-depth discussion about it and make sure you both know where you stand.  If he's not 100% committed to marrying you at the moment, you might need to postpone the wedding. 

    My heart goes out to you, it must be a tough time at the moment, but it will hopefully get better.

    Good luck, and take care xxx

  • The ladies have given you great advice. Your fiance was brave to tell you he has doubts but he needs to realise things have consequences. You can't carry on planning a wedding to a man who says he is unsure he wants to marry you! It is a very confusing time, but for your own sense of self you need to understand why he has doubts. I'd book into relate, their couples counselling is fantastic. You need to explore this together and you need to understand it. You can't push it under the carpet and carry on. He may have commitment issues, he may feel overwhelmed,  he may have met someone else. All of those mean you can't marry him. I did the same as your fiance: I knew marrying my first husband was the wrong thing to do, I even managed to tell him I wanted to call it off, but just couldn't bring myself to cancel the wedding and let everyone down. We divorced just over two years later. With my second husband it was the exact opposite: I know it is the right thing and we are happily married. 

    The fact you are posting on here shows you know you can't just carry on. Go to relate, they will help xxx

  • I agree with most people on here and think you have some great advice.  I agree 100% that you cannot continue to plan now he has opened up to you.  You both need to keep talking and see if he can work through his doubts.

    One thing that you need to know is that if things do not work out you will eventually be glad - it will be hard but you will look back one day and be glad that you didn't make a mistake and you will find someone who deserves you and will not have doubts about you.

    Good luck, I hope it works out.

  • Mrs B2b3Mrs B2b3 Posts: 255

    I would pack his bag. I know not everyone would agree with that.  I've had this in the past and ended up hurt and humiliated because I gave the man space to work himself out.  I put a higher value on myself now. 

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    I am so sorry to hear about this.

    I married my first husband when we were 23.  I thought he had his doubts before the day, but I accepted his reassurances that it was going to be ok.

    On our honeymoon he said he didn't love me.  I was too ashamed and embarrassed to walk away at that point.

    He repeated his lack of love for me many times during our long marriage.  Even after the birth of each of our children.

    To this day I don't know why he stayed.  I didn't leave because I believed in my vows and I thought I loved him enough for the two of us.

    I stuck it out for 26 years.  By which time I had lost my self esteem, my faith in humanity, and my sense of what love was.  And he became cruel - I think he resented me so much.  He didn't want me on any level.

    Your fiance may just be getting the collywobbles, and just because my marriage was painful and humiliating and stressful doesn't mean yours will be.

    But I think it may be wise just to hold off on more planning and booking up of things til you've really talked this through with him, and, if you can, your family.

    You deserve to be with someone who really really loves you and can't live without you and your love.  Marriages can't be happy when one of you just isn't 'feeling it' anymore.

    Best of luck, Abbi xxx

     

  • Alex52Alex52 Posts: 164

    I have 2 sides to this,

    I caught my now ex husband cyber cheating 4 months before we got married, I was too embarrassed to halt it, he swore he loved me and it'd never happen again, less than a year after our wedding we split up, I caught him doing the same. 5 years later I'm with the man I should of always been with and planning our wedding x

    My brother proposed to my SIL the year I got married, they had put a deposit down and she'd bought a dress, he then decided he couldn't do it, he couldn't do it because he wasn't 100% sure, they split up. A drunken 1 night stand (with each other 3 months later) led to my SIL becoming pregnant, they got back together, they were happy, when she had my nephew he asked if she'd put the ring back on. 12 months later they had the big wedding (she wanted family only at the registry office - he wanted to be very married) and they are the most in love couple I know. My brother was 22 when he first got engaged, and 25 when he got married, he got 'cold feet' or it ran away from him we're close but even I don't know the reasoning (nor does my SIL) If your OH wants space let him have space, if he wants to postpone postpone, and if thats it please don't force it x 

    I hope someone somewhere has some words of comfort for you x

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