What do I do

I don't even know where to start writing this but I can't talk to my friends or family about it as they are against our wedding to start with..Anyway this is how the story goes and I really need some advice as I'm at breaking point.....I met my partner 4 years ago on a dating site and we hit it off straight away.. Things were perfect for the first couple off weeks but then I found out I was pregnant at the tender age of 41 which already having grown up kids and my youngest being 8 was a shock that I told him I couldn't cope and ended our relationship as my head was in bits..Anyway after 6 weeks we decided we would give it a go as we were going to be parents..things were great for the first few weeks but then I noticed his constant flirting with other women,he was always double taking when we were out and making me feel dreadful..I told him how his actions were making me feel but he continued till our daughter was born.. We continued to row over it and he said what he was doing was normal and get over it..this led to massive trust issues in our relationship and I never wanted him to go out as the way he was.. He took me to a show once and spent the whole night eyeing up every other woman and I was 29 weeks pregnant.. I was in tears...we have had major rows and split up a few times and the last time we both met other people for a few months but he got jealous I was with someone else and we got back together and hence now getting married..he says he has changed and I should trust him now as that was the past and he won't do it again but I'm dreading his stag do on Sat and this is making me feel ill and I'm scared once we are married it will go back to how it was before..he says I'm insecure and need to get over it but I tell him I wasn't until I met him.. Really need honest advice..am I in the wrong and I need to trust him.. Which I really want to do but I told him that it's going to take a while as he's done so much damage..

Posts

  • Mrs17Mrs17 Posts: 850 New bride

    Im unsure of how to phrase this gently, but why are you marrying this man? It sounds like you're being manipulated into a corner. I don't think you're in the wrong, not in these circumstances! Relationships do need trust, but trust is built, not given freely, and once it's broken it can be mighty difficult to repair. 

    There are counsellors you can chat to online on the relate website - perhaps this could help a little? X

  • NikkiMNikkiM Posts: 1,653 New bride

    I really feel for you. Has he been looking at other women or flirting since you got back together last time? If so, is this really what you want for the rest of your life? You should be going into marriage happy and secure knowing your other half isn't the right one for you. Do you feel that?

  • Because I really wanted us to work..I'm getting married in two weeks time and I'm just in tears..all his friends think he's a lovely guy and I'm the controlling girlfriend but the fact is he's hurt me so much I'm struggling to trust him. He says he realised he shouldn't have looked and doesn't anymore and that he wants to marry me but he still gives me the impression that behind my back he is still doing this..he's a bus driver too in a seaside town and I used to get comments on if he was taking his test in the summer he would have failed as would have been looking at the girls getting on his bus in their short skirts..and how he wears sunglasses so their boyfriends don't see him looking when the girlfriends bend over..it really upset me and now he says he was just joking.. I know I'm.attractive and it's not low self esteem it's years off him hurting me that he now thinks I need to leave in the past and take him as he is now

  • Hi nikki...no he makes a huge effort not to look when we are out now but I'm so scared when he has his stag do he will be doing more..I really do want to trust him but it's going to take time and he doesn't realise that

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,949 New bride

    To be honest? He sounds like a sad little perv. From what you've described, he's never actually cheated on you and it's likely he never will- a lot of men like to talk big and oggle women but would never actually have the balls to do anything. Or they are actually happy in their relationships and have no intention of cheating but are just general pervs.

    What is important is how his actions make you feel. Nobody should make you feel so insecure and upset- least of all the man you are going to marry. I don't mind my partner noticing other attractive women which is natural- like I would obviously noticed if Chris Hemsworth walked into the room! But I would be disgusted by the behaviour and comments you have described, and his lack of caring towards you. He sounds controlling and has little regard for your feelings- you need to evaluate if marrying someone like this is really what you want.

  • Thanks Sammy Kate..and I dont think he has cheated or he will cheat the fact that his actions have really hurt me and he still kept on doing questions whether he really loves or loved me..I feel cornered into the marriage now as only two weeks away and people have paid out loads off money to travel and on outfits and gifts..I just feel so alone as no friends I can talk too..I just spend most off the day crying and I have a hyper active 3 yr old that isn't helping me either

  • LucykinsLucykins Posts: 701

    A couple of things ring alarm bells for me. Firstly, the fact that when you raised it with him, he told you it was normal and that you should get over it. Secondly, it sounds like one of the reasons for getting back together was that he got so jealous when you were seeing someone else.

    Both of those things indicate a controlling and potentially abusive relationship to me, particularly the fact that he's suggesting you are in the wrong for bringing it up, passing the blame onto you. 

    The fact that you've sought advice on here clearly shows you aren't happy, and if he isn't willing to change his behaviour to make you happy then I don't think marriage will make things any better. I know you probably can't face not going through with it, but please think long and hard about what's going to be best for you in the long run. 

    Going through with it might seem like the easy option now, but it won't seem so easy if you end up with a messy divorce on your hands.

  • He tells me most women wouldn't have a problem with their man looking and it's because I'm insecure and have no friends that I'm stopping him from spending time with his friends..I was in a relationship for 15 years previously and never felt insecure and felt loved..he says I need to get out and make friends so he can have his life and I do get that but I'm in the middle of nowhere where buses are every two hours and stop running early.. He says his bus driver friends look and their wives don't have a problem with it..I'm just so miserable and feel beaten down with all off it

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    Couple of things from an experienced woman, get rid of him now before its too late, he will never change and you will always doubt him. Sorry to be brutal here but its tough love. 

     

    Some men just can not keep to one woman and there is a much better ine out there for you. Love yourself and dont spend years in doubt and tears.  

     

    I am on my second marriage 5 months tine yay!  I was married for 28 years and spent the majority of that time in doubt .  in the end he owned up to a two year affair and after making me get sterislised after our two daughters because he didnt want anymore he now lives with a lady with two young children and 20 years his junior. 

     

    He was my high school sweetheart and my best friend.

     

    i have found on line a wonderful man we have lived together for two now. 

    Goid luck 

    kitty

  • Is leaving him at this stage an option for you?  Do you think you might just be feeling anxious because of the stag do, or do you genuinely have concerns that he hasn't changed?  If it's the latter, then postpone the wedding.  If you're going into this with even the slightest element of doubt, then in my opinion, you shouldn't be getting married.  I was previously engaged and had what I'd call a lucky escape when we didn't go through with the wedding.  Situtation was different to yours, but me and my at the time fiance were both clearly having doubts, but just sort of 'went along' with the wedding planning.  When we broke up, I was seriously embarrassed at the prospect of having to tell people that the wedding was off, but that was 4 years ago now - looking back, it was the best thing I did and I feel no embarrassment at all.  

    If you think you need to be brave and walk away, then I would highly recommend you do.  By the sounds of it, your friends and family aren't supportive of the wedding anyway, and so would be extremely supportive of you making the decision not to go ahead with it, if that's the right thing for you to do! 

  • Thanks kitty..I know I need to find someone who really loves and respects me but I don't know how to get out as it's two weeks away.. Love is meant to make you feel happy but I constantly feel insecure..

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,949 New bride
    Debbie98 wrote (see post):

    Thanks Sammy Kate..and I dont think he has cheated or he will cheat the fact that his actions have really hurt me and he still kept on doing questions whether he really loves or loved me..I feel cornered into the marriage now as only two weeks away and people have paid out loads off money to travel and on outfits and gifts..I just feel so alone as no friends I can talk too..I just spend most off the day crying and I have a hyper active 3 yr old that isn't helping me either

    You are never cornered- cancelling isn't easy, but it's easier than a divorce or suffering an unhappy and abusive marriage. This is your life, and that's worth more than outfits and gifts. I'm not saying you shouldn't marry him as only you can decide that- just please realise that you do have options and you don't have to go through anything you aren't sure about.

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Hi Debbie,

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation two weeks before your wedding. I think what strikes me the most here is the fact that firstly, your family and friends don't approve of the marriage and also that you hope that marriage will fix your problems. Both of these ring alarm bells for me. Why aren't you listening to your family and friends? They can see the wood from the trees in this situation and I know that because I've seen your exact situation played out right in front of me.

    I have a very close friend who is in an almost identical situation to you: she met her now husband on a dating website, got pregnant almost straight away, they split during her pregnancy, got back together not long before the birth, got married in secret because no-one supported their relationship (he too was talking with other women even weeks before the wedding). This was about a year and a half ago. They're still together, but she is deeply unhappy. Like you, she lives in an isolated village with a near two year old and is practically ignored by her husband. Oh, and she's pregnant again. She admitted she hoped a second baby would make their marriage better at first, but she told me that she now knows it's a huge mistake. Marriage didn't change her husband; children haven't changed her husband. I don't mean to sound harsh, but marriage won't make this go away for you either. Rather, I think it will make your situation ten times worse. I know because I've seen it. My friend's husband now has her exactly where he wants her to be: if they weren't married, I'm sure she would walk away tomorrow, but the legal entitlements you get with a marriage make it almost impossible for her to leave him. She would end up with no home, no job and no-one to take her in. 

    There is a lovely lady on here who, now happily married again, also went through with a wedding she knew wasn't right. Any time someone has popped up on here and said they weren't sure of marrying someone, she has told them not to go through with it having lived through a divorce soon after a marriage herself. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be to consider cancelling a wedding two weeks before when you know people have spent money to attend, but that really should be the least of your concerns. People will get over it, especially if they're not supportive anyway and attending the wedding to purely put on a brave face. I certainly did with my friend at her wedding reception party - I would've been more delighted if she didn't go ahead with it! Honestly, I worry about her every day and feel helpless every time she comes to me and tells me what her husband has been doing to upset her this time...

    It is clear from an outsider looking in that you are being manipulated and controlled by this man. I agree with Sammykate wholly on this one. Yes, of course there will be times when you notice other attractive people (Tom Hardy on Cbeebies anyone?!), but if my husband acted in the way you describe your partner, I would be utterly disgusted. I know he wouldn't do that either because a) he is a decent person and b) he has love and respect for me. Your partner clearly has none of this for you - marriage is his way of getting ultimate control in my opinion. 

    I know it's very easy for me to sit here and say 'Don't marry him' because I'm not living what is clearly a horrible nightmare for you. But you can wake up. It's not an easy fix, and it will be incredibly hurtful and difficult, but I think you really know what you want and I can't imagine that's not walking up the aisle in two weeks and making a lifelong commitment to this man. 

    Lots of love to you and good luck x

  • As JulyBride4 said is leaving it an option now? I know it would be hard but it is easier not to get married rather than getting a divorce. The reason for marrying him you mention above was because you 'want it to work'. You can want this with your your heart but is there something else telling you this is not the case?  

    Is there no friend/family you can speak to, I know it's hard when potential cold feet are involved. Is the fact the don't like the wedding a thing to think about, they probably don't like it is he makes you feel this way as they care about you. 

    At the end of the day it is your decision, but you shouldn't be in tears hun xx

  • Thank you lubes..I know your right..I'm just feeling really trodden down and just cry..the fact is I have no friends if I did call it off.i feel really alone right now..I have his mum telling me how excited she is and how she's bought a lovely outfit and booked a cottage that's cost her hundreds..I probably sound like a really weak pathetic woman but the truth is I'm just worn out and ran down..this welding has only happened in the last 3 months and at first I thought it was his way off showing he did love me but now I'm feeling the same as I always did and if I try and speak to him he just makes me feel like I'm the one to blame..I really appreciate everyone who's took the time to chat as this has helped me loads in feeling I'm not to blame for how he's made me feel so thank you 

  • I second what all the lovely ladies have said here. I think it would be best to confide in a friend, or family member, and get them to help you with cancelling things. Don't be alone in this.

     

    You don't sound pathetic... you have had the strenght to talk to us here!! You are stronger than you know. Go and find someone who deserves you. xxx

  • Debbie, from my own experience I can tell you that although it will be a struggle, leaving him with two weeks to go will not be the end of it.  I ended my relationship with my then fiancé four days before our wedding, it was awful and I wouldn't want to repeat it.  My family were horrified and my cousin was the only person to support me.  But, I got through it.

    I truly think your fiancé is pushing for this wedding as a controlling method.  I'm pretty sure he knows that once you're married to him it will be more difficult to leave.  Have you ever spoken to his mum about your problems?  What about your own family?

    I wish you all the best hun, please do take care of yourself xxx

     

  • I am in the got married whilst knowing it was a mistake squad and can tell you,  I whole heartedly wished I had walked away when I originally wanted to. My ex husband was a lovely person who never meant to cause me any harm, but he got PTSD after being injured in the armed forces and his mental health downward spiral put us both in horrible situations. I wish I'd never have married him even though it wasn't his fault: your fiance knows exactly what he is doing, knows how much he is hurting you and still does it anyway. The reason you feel so trapped is because he is trapping you. You have been honest about how his behaviour makes you feel: he has continued regardless. That is incredibly disrespectful and shows a distanct lack of concern about your emotional welfare. 

    I think you want to get out and I think we all agree you should get out. You don't owe anyone anything: I went through with my wedding to not hurt my ex husbands feeling, to not let my parents down and to not embarrass myself. I left him two years later and did all those things, probably a lot worse, but I knew I had to get away. He is now remarried and I married the man I was meant to be with nearly a year ago. Everyone came around eventually. You can't marry a man who belittles you so. Put yourself and your child first and just run. You say you have no friends, thats often a warning side of a controlling abusive relationship. Reach out to the person you think is most likely to back you and run for the hills. You will only be more trapped if you go through with the wedding 

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    Debbie my lovely i dont want to judge you or appear rude in any way you do what you feel is right for you.  But if you go tgrough with this and you are really doubting, you will end up paying divorce costs for me  nearly £3000, and a lot of heartache. My ex gas blamed me because he wanted a girlfriend and a wife he dudnt want to lose me.  think very hard it is never two late to stop proceedings and alor easier now than after. My divorce has taken 2 and half years because of finance stuff.  

     

    All my love sweety

    kitty

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