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Sick of everyone!!

Hi,

Apologies but I need a good rant!!

I was brought up by my dad and step mum and have 3 older brothers (2 eldest had left home and the other lived with us for a few years) My mum was on the scene but we only saw her now and again.

Theres always been a constant battle between my mum and step mum and my brothers have never liked her.

Last year everything came to a head at xmas whem sm acted like an idiot and my dad left her. All the family were chuffed to bits but I was gutted. We all rallied around him but one day he disappeared and around a week later sent us all a text saying he was back with her and wasnt going to speak to anyone until he was happy with her. Well, that didnt go down very well and for the last 14 months, my brothers have developed a hatred for him and and even bigger hatred for her. My mum has been great though!

So, i got engaged in florida last september and sent my dad a message. He didnt get it and found out through facebook making our relationship even worse! But the thought of the wedding was looming. The more my dad acted badly, the easier it was to exclude him and basically pretend i didnt care. I went around telling everyone he wasnt invited, somehow justifying it to myself, even writing it on here on a previous post. 

My brothers have said that if he came, they wouldnt come and neither would any of my family. It broke my heart but i pretended to be ok with it.

Then.... My dad contacted my Dad contacted me and wanted to see me. He drove up on Thursday, we had a heart to heart and it took me a whole 5 minutes to completely break down. 

I miss my Dad so much it hurts. I always imagined him being there for my wedding, planning it with me, being a shoulder to cry on, my step mum dress shopping and being even more excited than me. I want my dance with my dad and to see his face when im in my dress.

But I'm basically being told no. You cant have that. You cant have the wedding day you want. 

My dad said not to worry, he wont kick up a fuss and doesnt want to ruin my day so will just not go. But him not being there does ruin my day. But not having my brothers there also riuns my day! Im literally held over a barrel as to what to do! Ive put it all to the back of my day but now im facing the reality and tbh, I just dont want to have my wedding day any more as to me, it just seems too painful. I just dont know what to do! Im sick of crying my eyes out! 

My fh just thinks i shouldnt be bothered, he just doesnt get it which just makes things worse.

Right now, I'm a step away from cancelling everything as just thinking about the wedding makes me physically sick! 

Sorry for the long post, I'm desperatd for outside advice!

Posts

  • Sorry to hear your having to go through that. It amazes me that  and friends can't put aside their own personal agendas for the sake of the bride and groom for just one day.

     

    do you think your brothers would go through with their threats or could it be they are just venting? can they be reasoned with? 

  • Hi Emma

    i think you need to take some time out and chill out. I think it's unfair for ANYONE to put this pressure on you and your big day. take a stand on who you want there and invite them. If your brothers 'threaten' not to come then this effectively is their problem and not yours. I understand you may want everyone there but unfortunately sometimes you can't please everyone. Sit down and explain to your brothers or even try and get your dad together with them and mediate? honestly you dont need this stress in your life and you need to make that clear to your brothers.

    I hope it works out for you and don't cancel the wedding for nonsense. More importantly it's yours and your husbands day and not anyone else's. 

     

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    If you want your dad there, then invite him. I'm sure your brothers will see sense closer to the time. And if they don't then they are being very childish. Perhaps tell them that you are inviting your dad and you would like them to be there also, but that your wedding day is not a time for arguments and that you expect them to all be amicable with each other.

    Unfortunately weddings sometimes seem to bring out the worst in people. Good luck!

  • emma531emma531 Posts: 216

    Im genuinely amazed at how childish they are being. I would never dream of putting someone in this position but unfortunatley my brothers dont see it like that.

    The middle one is probs the worst. Hes hated my step mum for years (my step mum dod nothing to help matters and her and my sis in law literally hate each other!) he hasnt let my dad see his kids for over a year and my fear is that he will use that as an excuse when tbh, i think its pretty bad that he stops them seeing him! We all resent my dad for the time we lost with our grandparents! But hd just doesnt see it that way.

    Im really really worried they'll just tell me where to go. Maybe i just dont like the reality of the situation?!

    I have a job that involves me seeing the worst of people, how fragile life is and how really not bad our dad is. Theres some far far worse ones out there! I feel my brothers have been spoilt with what they have but i dont want something bad to happen to make them realise. 

    Thank you so much for your responses, its so hard to get your head together especially when everyone you know seems to have their own agendas x

  • Mimi8Mimi8 Posts: 316 New bride

    HI Hun ,so sorry for you this is a really tough one and you must be devastated.

    you know your brothers, if you got them together and explained how you feel would they listen ? are they reasonable ? If they can't put your feelings first just for 1 day you may be forced to choose. My daughter got married 8 weeks ago , my mum was so excited to be there but died of cancer before the day so I have to admit to being biased here but to me if you love your dad and want him there go for it , it is massively important to stick up for what you want for your day.

    I feel your OH could be more supportive , he doesn't get it ? I am guessing his family will be there? pity he can't be more there for you , I'm so sorry for you ,hope you can work things out .x

  • emma531emma531 Posts: 216

    Hi Mimi,

    So sorry to hear about your mum. I feel when things like that happen, it really puts things into perspective, life is far too short.

    I really dont know what they would do if i got them together. Im seeing the eldest and most sensible tomorrow.

    Youre right, my oh certainly could be more supportive! He's being useless and im quite disappointed in him tbh! His family is very simple, only 1 sibling, parents still together, all live in the same area. Im 100 miles away from most of my family. So i suppose it must be hard for him to understand.

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    You are obviously very close to your dad and step mum and siblings are great at making each other feel bsd sometimes, i have 4 sisters one of whom i dont speak to.  

     

    Just have your day the way you want it.   the family just need to live with your decision.  

     

    ive had family isses and people threatening not to come i simply said thats disapointing but your decision.  they have decided now to attend.  

     

    Good luck with it. 

  • wed172Bwed172B Posts: 1,258

    Just remember its your wedding day, surely your brothers can suck it up for a few hours - they don't have to talk to them if they don't want to but i think they need to respect your feelings. Has your dad reached out to them? Would he? 

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride

    I'm so sorry that you're feeling so unhappy when you should be so happy and excited. 

    I think the best way around it would be to sit down with your brothers and explain that it's your wedding day and you want it to be a happy occasion, but that you don't expect them to go out of their way to fix things with your dad if they're not ready to. However explain that you thought that they would be able to put their feelings aside for one day and just be civil with your dad, to allow you to have the wedding you've dreamed of.  

    How I see it is your Dad is the only one willing to put your feelings first, regardless of what happened in the past he is genuinely trying to make sure he doesn't cause a scene on your big day. If your brothers can't put their feelings aside to make sure you enjoy your wedding then I'd tell them that they're not invited. 

    A wedding is about celebrating love and if your brothers don't love and care about you enough to put their feelings aside for one day they don't deserve to be there. Hopefully it won't come to that and they will realise the pressure and stress they are putting on you. 

    I really hope you get thing sorted and have a fantastic wedding. 

  • emma531emma531 Posts: 216

    Hi,

    Thanks again for your replies.

    I think i knew deep down that i would have to be tough and say this is MY wedding! 

    I went to see my eldest and most sensible brother and his wife yesterday and feel a lot better. They were also of the opinion that its MY wedding and i need to grow some balls lol! He told me to leave my others brothers to him and not worry.

    But then they highlighted the fact tgat my parents have a terrible proven history of kicking off at family events!x

     

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