Secret?

Hi girls,

I am looking for some sensitive advice please. I am a regular poster on here but wish to remain anonymous for this post. My H2B and I are getting married this summer, and as I am sure we all are on this forum, we are in a stable relationship filled with "soon-to-be-married" love and excitement.

We lead fairly straightforward lives, no children, live together in harmony, good jobs etc. We have never really had any problems in our relationship to overcome either.

But I have accidently discovered something that I did not expect. I made an order for something for our wedding off the amazon prime account that we both use. It happens to be registered to his email address so when I ordered something he was at work I logged on to his email to check the confirmation email had come through. I always do this but I'm not sure my H2B knows that, it didn't occur to me that it would ever cause an issue...

The email that came in a couple of hours prior (which he had read) was part of a thread from a recruitment lady for jobs abroad. Moving abroad is something we had always considered for our future and we had actually discussed it just 2 or 3 days earlier as he said he had been approached by a recruiter. I was a bit naughty and scrolled down the thread (nothing suspicious I just was interested in where it was etc) and saw that he has told her his salary...

Some background, H2B has been propelled up the career track since moving to London and in 6 years he has gone from £20,000 to £80,000 yearly salary. The most recent promotion was at Christmas time from £60,000 which he was informed of (and immediately told me about) whilst on holiday.

However, he told her that his current salary is £67,500. I thought hmm odd but put it to the back of my mind. Later that day I was sorting out my desk and found some of his papers, I took them to put on his side of the bed (where we dump stuff of each others that we find in the house without a "home") but on the way, I saw it was his promotion letter, dated 1st Jan 2017, with a salary increase from £60,000 to £67,500, backing up the email I had found. When he got home, I told him I'd seen the letter, he laughed it off and said "you know I am on more then that, this was a mistake by my boss, I have the corrected version on my desk...".

Funnily enough, I don't believe him. But didn't know how to bring up the email as really, I shouldn't have been on his account even though it was completely innocent.

Now, I must say, before anyone judges..... I honestly don't give two hoots about how much my H2B earns. We started our relationship with me earning more then him, lending money etc. And now he earns a lot more then me but this is irrelevant to our relationship and we keep our finances separate and pay 50% for everything (except dinners out etc. where he treats me like normal people in serious relationships). My concern is not about the money, I am questioning why he is not being truthful, and beginning to have tiny niggling doubts about my trust in him. He has no reason to lie, he knows I love him and am proud of him no matter what the salary.

I feel I need to bring it up with him as we are due to be married and don't see the way I feel now as a good way to feel just months before tying the knot, but I am worried that he will be angry at me for being on his emails.

Thanks in advance.

Posts

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    I think you will just need to be honest and say you came across the email to the recruiter stating his salary was lower than what he claims he earns and ask why he lied? 

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    In my experience if somebody allows the instance of you being on their emails to overshadow the thing that you found then there is something more going on.

    I have been in relationships where i have innocently come across things like you have and have questioned it to be made to feel awful and have it switched back on me, which I can understand to a degree but if there's nothing to hide then although it feels like an invasion of privacy (intentional or not) they should be able to explain it without feeling angry.

    I hope that made sense?

  • Mrs NeekMrs Neek Posts: 445 New bride

    I agree with Hails. From what you said it sounds like you guys have a relationship where you both communicate well, just be honest with him, that's the only way you will find out why he lied. xx

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    Yes i agree be honest, tell him you have concerns.  

     

    Slightly different context but I accidentally came across stuff from my ex at the end of our relationship so know how you are feeling. You sound like you are in a strong relatiinship so it should fine.  My instincts were right and my ex was being unfaithful.

     

     It is hard to trust when you think you are telling each other everythjng but dint let it eat you up have it out now.  

    Good luck with it . X

     

  • Rosegold017Rosegold017 Posts: 476

    Is there any chance he has a 'basic' salary of £67k but then gets bonus/commission/car allowance add-ons, which would boost it upwards? But then that wouldn't explain why he didn't just say that when you discussed the letter. At least it would be worse the other way around, if he told you he was on less and was squirrelling away £13k :)

  • Mrs17Mrs17 Posts: 876 New bride

    I would just be honest as well. There is nothing wrong with wanting to go into a marriage with no lies. You haven't done anything out of the ordinary or wrong from the way you have phrased your post. I fully second what Ambam has said too - if you find your OH is disproportionately angry about you having accessed his emails, there is probably more to the lie than he is letting on. But even if he is a little angry, so long as you make it clear (like you have above) that the salary is irrelevant, you just want to understand why he would lie about it, he should be honest and open in return!

    Hope you work it out x

     

  • MrsGxMrsGx Posts: 329 New bride

    Completely agree with all the of the above posts. Don't let it eat you up, just be completely honest with him. Hopefully it'll just be a simple misunderstanding and there wont be any sinister lies behind it. I think it's easy to think of the worst reasons for it rather than simple explanations in these situations.
    I also completely agree with Ambam's comment. From experience I've found this to be true - I had an ex turn everything round on me and I later found out she was lying all along.

    Good luck, hope you work it out x

  • MrsTheaUMrsTheaU Posts: 126

    So sorry you have found yourself in this predicament, I know the feeling! Your heart truly sinks at that moment. It is very clear in how you explained the events above that you were not intentionally looking to find what you did and it was pure innocence. I agree with Ambam's post too - when people are guilty of something (especially men) they tend to pass the blame as away to hide their guilt and convert the hot seat!
    I am sure if you explain how you did your intentions will be clear. Just ensure to make it very clear what your actual concerns are - as you did above! Its clear you are most upset by the fact he 'may have' felt he needed to lie to you because you have proven by the circumstances you met in that his salary isn't important to you and you would expect him to know that more than anyone, you are not wrong to feel this way! There is something very admirable about you wanting to start your marriage with honesty and complete transparency, I am sure your husband to be will see this also. I wish you all the luck and I am confident you will be back to being worry free very soon x 

  • LucykinsLucykins Posts: 701

    For that niggling worry to go away I think you'll have to speak honestly with him.

    I can't really think of any reason why he'd have exaggerated his income to you, other than some kind of insecurity he perhaps feels, so in all likelihood it's nothing to worry about.

    Hope it's soon sorted and you can get back to your happy self :)

  • Well, what do I say? I am truly humbled by your kind responses, I was half expecting to come on and see some replies making me feel bad for being on his emails but you have all been so kind, understanding and generous with your advice! Actually beings a tear to my eye reading them again this morning.

    So although I didn't write, I was keeping an eye on the responses. I spoke to him and we had a good honest chat about it. I think the main reason I was unhappy with his response to the letter was because he laughed it off and the subject changed very quickly. But I think this time he realised that it had upset me a little and fully explained and answered all my questions. The long and short of it is, he actually told a white lie to the recruiter because he thought (probably bang on) that she would immediately discount his application as the salary for the role he was applying for is £60,000. In their eyes they don't see why someone would take a £20,000 pay cut.

    I am now 100% confident he is being truthful with me and know that he is keen for there to be complete financial transparency between us. After our chat we had a 3-hour drive to see family this weekend so we spoke a lot about finances, savings, merging our finances etc after marriage, and it is all really positive

    He thought I was silly for feeling so guilty about being on his emails, and said I can access his emails whenever I want, that he knows I know all his passwords and that he had nothing to hide (and if he did he would change his password haha).

    So.... all in all, I was working things up in my head but normal service has resumed.

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    Hmm the only thing that seems odd to me is he wrote the exact same amount as the letter dated in January that you found? And also, why is he willing to take a 20k pay cut? Sorry, not trying to stress you out but it still seems a bit off to me. 

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    Hails I would guess that living abroad may be cheaper? That it may be a role that he would enjoy more/has less stress which would be worth a reduction in pay if it's affordable.

    I'm glad that you have been able to talk it through in a sensible manner and that you now feel secure again 😊

  • Mrs17Mrs17 Posts: 876 New bride

    I am so glad you managed to talk and what seems like a very productive conversation! It sounds like you have a really good guy there, and if you're planning on merging your finances after the wedding then you're definitely on the right track! Glad it was a happy outcome!! 

    Perhaps that was why he used that amount hails? Because it was fresh in his mind from the letter? 

    Your thread really made me think, because I have never asked how much my OH earns. And vice versa. We both have a bit of personal debt which we dicussed previously, and we have a joint account for the mortgage & bills, but nothing more than that! I know he would talk to me if his salary were to change drastically, so have decided it doesn't really matter to me. Perhaps that seems a little naive, but there we are!

  • Hmm yeah hails I do see what you mean. Hmm I'm not sure I never thought to ask him that, but yeah I guess it was a figure fresh in his mind. He said he wanted to put a figure around what the recruiter is offering, not too high not too low.

    He is willing to take that paycut because:

    - We don't live a lifestyle that requires a combined income of £115,000 which is what we have now! Obviously more money is always great, but we wouldn't "miss" it as such, we would just save less!

    - The job is in Spain where the cost of living is substantially cheaper

    - And probably most significantly, the tax system there would mean that he would have a net income of an approx. £80,000 gross in the UK anyway.

    I think that is fair enough Wibble2017, I guess the only reason we have discussed each others is because we have both had massive changes in our careers and incomes and we have always celebrated success/change together, including pay rises. I guess if when you met you were both stable and had reached where you wanted to be in your careers and therefore there has not really been much change throughout your relationship then it may just never come up? I don't know if that is your situation of course, just a thought!

  • Mrs17Mrs17 Posts: 876 New bride

    That pretty much sums up situation! 

    Can i be cheeky and ask if you're planning on going for the Spain move then?? That's pretty exciting.

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