bridesmaid drama, horrible planning experience

hi all, log story but bare with it wont make sense otherwise,

         my wedding is 5 months away, we got engaged 18 months ago. originally I had my two best friends, my sister and h2b sister. after a night out I had a falling out with best friend bridesmaid A and she quit saying she couldn't support me marrying my h2b, they have never got on both very stubborn at times. then I fell out with bridesmaid best mate B after she lied to me, we didn't really fall out, she was caught out and then deleted me and blocked me on her phone. after falling out with both my best friends or 16 and 25 years, I was feeling really really low, and calmed myself thinking that it would be fine with the sisters, but felt sad that I hadn't got a close friend by my side on my wedding day. me and my sister are like polar opposites, I love her dearly but we have nothing in common, and my h2bs sister is lovely but I don't know her that well really.

 anyway, there is a very close friend of mine, who i have been really close to , myself her fiancée and my fiancée have always got on very well, gone on weekends away together and get on well, but she's 20 years old, I'm 31, her fiancée is 36. I know age doesn't matter and she is quiet mature for her age but in certain circumstances she has shown her age and naivety,

 a mutual friend of ours said I'm really surprised you haven't asked her to be bridesmaid, so I thought yeah I should we get on very well , talk on the phone every day shes a good friend so I did, and she was thrilled, and she has been amazing helping organize things with me and talk to me about it. she then got engaged Christmas and asked me to be her bridesmaid, which I was happy to do.

then we had a night out mid February and she was very drunk, and was spoiling for an argument with people we were out with, we went back to my house and myself and my fiancée got into a silly argument and she jumped in and got very aggressive, as did her fiancée, we had this explosive argument , even though I had been trying to calm her down she was having none of it, and in the end id had enough of her screaming and being childish ! so I reacted to her and it all got very out of hand. she said I was dead to her and stormed off , texting me for days after saying I had ruined everything and that I should never contact her again. I was gutted , we had a lot of fun as a group and share a lot of the same friends, we are all going abroad with a group in june.

I returned her bridesmaid dress, couple weeks ago as it only had a day until it was out of warranty. ive been so so sad and anxious having somehow fallen out with all my friends ! I'm not a confrontational person I hate arguing and I don't know how It ended like this.

 

she then got in touch and said we should forget it and be friends after a long long chat we agreed to forgive and forget. this was fantastic for me as I hate falling out with her.she then sent me a message asking me to be her bridesmaid again, and I said I would if that's what she wanted, but she said it was , I then said she could be mine again. but as I went to order her dress I got jitters, I really really don't know if I can , its ok for her, her wedding is 18 months away, mine is 5 ! and I'm not sure if this is a mistake, after everything she said and did I don't want it to be awkward. I have to make a decision and I cant , I cant really tell her I've changed my mind again especially as our friendship is going to be quite fragile !, I'm so confused, h2b just says its up to me !

 

what should I don't have long to order her dress and I'm scared

 

I don't want any more dramas, the whole bridesmaid thing has really

Posts

  • Missy6Missy6 Posts: 50

    You've had a really stressful time! I can understand your predicament but do you really want her to be a bridesmaid? If it was me I would be constantly worried that I would offend her or something. I don't think I could relax.  Even though you aren't really close to your sister, I'm sure she wouldn't do anything to make you anxious. 

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    If you are unsure... Well then, you've already decided in your mind it's a no.... Because If you want her to be bridesmaid you wouldn't have any hesitations.

    I Would just stick to your sister and sister in law.. They will be more reliable.

  • mrspea2bemrspea2be Posts: 275 New bride

    your right , I just do not know how to tell her now, I was relieved we were friends again, as I had missed her , and like I said we socialize in the same circles, so I was so relieved to not have the animosity, but being a bridesmaid again is a step to soon for me, how do I tell her ?

    xx

  • MrsC2018MrsC2018 Posts: 191 New bride

    What an awful situation. 

    My thoughts are that I think it would be really harsh to take away the offer when you have made amends. It sounds like you felt obliged because of her asking you again so that is a bit awkward but how much time has passed since then? If a few days then that will be easier to go back on your word than weeks. Also, do you think you could cope if another argument and fallout ensued? Maybe one that was damaged beyond repair?  

    I know you haven't asked us to comment on the argument but it is all relative - I think my feelings could be swayed on what the argument was over and what your reactions were. If you both were hurtful to eachother and those things will be remembered because of being awful then the last thing you want is that being on your mind before, during and after the best day of your life.

    P.S. Have your other friendships completely dissolved? After 16 and 25 years, that is so sad 

  • mrspea2bemrspea2be Posts: 275 New bride

    the one friend I had been friends with 25 years, has totally gone, and I wouldn't want her back in my life, she was very hurtful, lied and was talking about me behind my back after years of me being nothing but loyal. the other friend of 16 years, we do speak now, but its hard because her and my h2b fell out, and she said she couldn't be around him anymore, they are actually both very similar and have banged heads lots of times, but the last time was the last straw, but we text, talk on the phone occasionally but that's it.

     

    the argument between myself and the current bridesmaid was that she accused me of cheating on my fiancée , and she stole my phone and then text the guy who she believed I was having an affair with pretending to be me, sending lots of crude messages to get a reaction, of course this left the guy baffled ! but none the less her and her fiancée managed to convince my h2b that it was true, at the time is was 2am and everyone had had a lot to drink, this lasted an hour and a half and they wouldn't leave my house, they were screaming at me while I tried to answer for myself, but every time I opened my mouth they kept saying I was lying !. after an hour an a half I snapped and we ended up physically fighting, im not proud of my actions , infact the im totally ashamed of it, and I've never ever reacted like this before , but I felt provoked. that was in February, we have since spoke and agree it was a stupid argument, I apologised several times the day after and since for hurting her, but she never apologised for interfering and causing trouble.

    she now acts as though nothing happened, which is nice, but I don't feel like I can trust her, and I don't feel I want to put myself in that position again, I could see at the time her and her fiancée were enjoying arguing and all I wanted to do was make it stop.

     

  • MrsC2018MrsC2018 Posts: 191 New bride

    Wow, that is massive!

    I am shocked that you as a couple could speak to them both ever again in light of what they accused you of and how far it went. It could've potentially ended your relationship.

    I definitely don't think I could have anyone as bridesmaid that had interfered in my relationship or hated my H2B. 

    If you are afraid of causing more upset, awkwardness or anger then you could blame your budget for changing your mind (but it could backfire, if she is willing to pay). So I guess you could just wear your heart on your sleeve and have a total heart to heart and she might appreciate your honesty - maybe a reading at the wedding could be a meet in the middle?

  • mrspea2bemrspea2be Posts: 275 New bride

    h2b feels they were looking out for him in a misguided kind of way, I just feel they could of cost me everything, I actually had to leave the house for a day while h2b calmed down as he couldn't understand why they would accuse me of it if it wasn't true (he has high functioning autism and everything is very black and white to him). I have been thinking of ways to let her down gently, like I couldn't get a matching dress, or like you said budget, I feel so stupid for saying yes, I just got caught up in the moment when she asked me to be hers again.

    I tried talking to h2b about it tonight but he just got frustrated and said stop worrying, leave it a few months, worse comes to worse return/sell her dress, but its not just about buying a dress is it.

     

    I wish I was brave , a lot of our friends and my family know what happened and I know they aren't happy with her as it could of split us up, and a lot of our mutual friends have said they shouldn't  have been interfering.

    its such a mess

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    Wow, that's an arguement I wouldn't have made amends with. That is big!!

    For me it's def a no to being a bridesmaid.

  • NikkiMNikkiM Posts: 1,653 New bride

    Definitely an argument I wouldn't have let go. I couldn't talk to someone like that ever again who attempted to destroy my relationship. I'd still be wondering if she secretly thought I was cheating, when it would all blow up again. And I couldn't let someone like that anywhere near my wedding day. You're very brave.

    I'd maybe suggest you'be been crunching some numbers and have realised you don't have the budget to allow her back in the wedding and that you're sorry but you hope she can still come to the wedding. If she offers to pay for herself, i'd then have to be honest and say it's taking some time for you to build the trust up in your relationship again and that for now you'd like to stick to just your sister and SIL as bridesmaids.

  • Mrs B2b3Mrs B2b3 Posts: 255

    Why are you even thinking about letting this person back into your life? What she did was pure evil!

  • I think you sound like a really forgiving person, much more forgiving than I could ever be. If someone accused me of something so horrible then I don't think I could ever forgive them.

    You've said that you don't trust her now, and I think that is the biggest sign; there is absolutely no way I would have someone I didn't trust stood by my side on the most important day of my life. :(

     

    I think you know what you need to do, but I completely understand your reluctance to rock the boat again. The fact that she has since admitted it was a silly argument speaks volumes I think, however if you explain you are struggling to trust her because of what happened, I would hope she would be mature enough to accept why you're feeling how you are. At the end of that day she should just be happy she's invited at all!! :( xx

  • Rosegold017Rosegold017 Posts: 476

    That is awful. I hope that you can find some new and loyal friends when you start married life.

    I would also not want her anywhere near my wedding. She sounds very destructive. There is no way my family would want someone so unsupportive of our union there either - in fact there are a select number of friends who my parents have said they will be keeping a close eye on come the big day, and if they show any signs of turning they will be thrown out immediately.

    If I was in your position I would tell the girl that my family don't want her to have such a central role, given what happened and you are sure that she can understand the position you are in.

    What on earth made her accuse you of cheating?! Sounds very jealous to me.

  • MrsC2018MrsC2018 Posts: 191 New bride

    Using the excuse of your family being upset about it is a good reason. Everyone is scared of mothers of the bride and groom 

  • Rosegold017Rosegold017 Posts: 476
    MrsC2018 wrote (see post):

    Using the excuse of your family being upset about it is a good reason. Everyone is scared of mothers of the bride and groom 

    Exactly! I wouldn't take on my Mother if I wasn't related to her 

  • Mrsseebe2beMrsseebe2be Posts: 707 New bride

    I totally agree with the other girls.

    I couldn't forgive that behaviour particularly the way it out your relationship at risk. I also feel that if she hasn't ever apologized for her part in it or admitted that what she did was completely wrong and frankly unacceptable then I would struggle to ever really trust her again.

    If you want to keep her in your life and don't want to reopen old wounds by talking through how you feel about what happened that's understandable but I wouldn't want her as bridesmaid.

    It is difficult to know how to handle it but if you want to keep the peace it does sound like a white lie might be in order.

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