To invite or not to invite??

Sorry for the long post guys.....

So over the past few years my relationship with my oldest friend (22yrs) has become increasingly one sided, but as she's always blown hot and cold and been a little selfish I thought nothing of it. Me and my H2B have been together nearly 7 and a half years and engaged for 6. When we first got engaed my oldest friend (best friend at the time) assumed she would be maid of honour, but nothing was discussed properly. When we set a date in January last year I decided I would officially ask my bridesmaids I knew if I asked my other best friend to be MOH that my oldest friend would be offended, and so I ended up asking my oldest friend to be MOH. 

Since asking her to be MOH her only concern has been what she will be wearing. I was upfront with all my bridesmaids saying what colour and length dresses I wanted for them. I said I wasn't too fussed about them having the same style so long as the colours matched and there was a plus size option for my other bridesmaid. We found some dresses that suited everyone and so we ordered them to try on. She tried hers on and said "it's fine" and generally wasn't too enthusiastic about it. But when the other bridesmaid's dresses came the colours didn't match. She point blank refused to try on the dresses that had come for the others and so all the dresses were returned. 

After that she started to bombard me with links to dresses that weren't the right lenght or color and that didn't accomodate plus size. In the end I just said we'd get them from a bridal shop to save stress. After that I didn't really hear anything from my MOH apart from when she wanted to borrow some money.

A couple of months later my Grandma had a stroke and a couple of months after that she was diagnosed with Dementia. Then my dad lost his job and my step-mum is now facing redundancy. My MOH was aware of all of this and still only got in touch when she wanted something from me or someone to talk to about her life woes. Which I don't mind as that's what you do for friends, but I have been struggling with stress related headaches and bouts of anxiety and panic attacks, which she knows about and she doesn't even ask how I am, let alone anything about my life or the wedding.

At Christmas I bought her a present and a present for her step-son (who lives with her) and I knew she was struggling for money so I wasn't expecting a present. But I didn't even get a card or a thank you once they'd opened their presents. Then when I did hear from her after Christmas it was to discuss my hen do, as one of my other bridesmaids had mentioned that I didn't really want one. I tried to explain my reasons and she just didn't understand and kept harrassing me with messages about different options (all of which suited her and not me) which led to me having a panic attack at work. 

The thought of having someone as a bridesmaid who was just adding to the stress and not even asking how I am was really playing on my mind, and with money being tight (my dad was contributing to bits before he lost his job) I decided I would speak to my MOH and explain that with money being tight and her having the most on her plate (she's just had a baby and has a step son full-time) it would be easier and less stressful for both of us if she just came as a guest.

I explained that it was no reflection on our friendship, just a change in circumstances for both of us. I also said that I still wanted her to be as involved in the planning as she wanted to be (she's taken virtually no interest so far) and that if she wanted to do a MOH speech or a reading at the ceremony we could do that instead. Her response was "It's fine, do what you want" and she was quite snappy when she said it, but she can be like that anyway. After I spoke to her about it I stayed at her house for another couple of hours and we chatted like normal. We messaged a little bit the next day. I messaged her a week later and while she has seen the message she hasn't replied. 

My invitations go out mid April, and was wanting opinions on what I should do about hers. I was thinking that if she doesn't get in touch or still ignores my messages until this point that I just wouldn't invite her. Would this be totally unreasonable?

Posts

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    I would say if she's ignoring you then don't bother. 

    But how much do you value the friendship? 

    I'm having bridesmaid issues at the moment. I haven't heard from my bridesmaid in months, she's completely MIA. Huge achievement considering we work together! She met a guy about a year ago and has been loved up ever since, and I am pleased for but a little message every now and again doesn't go a miss. She didn't reply to the last message I sent. Maybe I'm a little over sensitive at the moment because I'm feeling sorry for myself. However, B is not happy with the way she has disappeared and doesn't want to invite her to the day. My MOH on the other hand is fantastic! 

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride

    Sorry to hear you're having bridesmaid trouble too. I hope you get sorted with your missing bridesmaid and are able to enjoy the planning.

    I feel almost like the friendship has run its course. I know that everyone has their own life but my other friends have had their own issues and have still been there for me and my other bridesmaids are absolutely fantastic. I guess I just want to be able to move one in one way or another. I'd rather her have been adult enough to have it out with me if she has a problem. I just think ignoring me is very childish, but then I've always been quite upfront. But then it sounds like your bridesmaid has the ignore people approach too!

     

  • Rosegold017Rosegold017 Posts: 476

    That's a difficult one. When are you due to send the invites out? Maybe you could monitor her behaviour between now and then. Sounds like quite a rude and selfish person so if you're not too worried about the friendship fizzling out, then I wouldn't lose sleep over not inviting her. I do admire you for being upfront with her about the MOH situation.

    It astounds me how many lovely brides on here have issues with their bridesmaids! I only picked my sister as I had a hunch that my other two most likely candidates would have made the process 100 times more stressful.

    The Christmas gift part really bothered me when I read it! How do people think that sort of thing goes unnoticed? Makes me wonder if she is quite as hard up as she'll have you believe.

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    I don't have the patience for it at the moment. I've been stuck in the house for the best part of a month. My MOH has been messaging pretty much every day, even my friend who lives in Cheltenham has been messaging me every few days to make sure I'm ok. The two ladies in my office have been checking I'm ok. Yet, someone I thought was a good friend can't be bothered to check in once. 

    I completely understand she has a life and I don't expect any help with planning, it's my wedding not any one else's.

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride
    Rosegold017 wrote (see post):

    That's a difficult one. When are you due to send the invites out? Maybe you could monitor her behaviour between now and then. Sounds like quite a rude and selfish person so if you're not too worried about the friendship fizzling out, then I wouldn't lose sleep over not inviting her. I do admire you for being upfront with her about the MOH situation.

    It astounds me how many lovely brides on here have issues with their bridesmaids! I only picked my sister as I had a hunch that my other two most likely candidates would have made the process 100 times more stressful.

    The Christmas gift part really bothered me when I read it! How do people think that sort of thing goes unnoticed? Makes me wonder if she is quite as hard up as she'll have you believe.

    The invitations go out in April, so only a couple of weeks away but the RSVP deadline is the end of June so I can leave it as late as early June to make my decision. I knew from the start that she would be the issue, but I honestly thought she'd be more interested and more understanding. 

    The gift part really didn't bother me too much, it was more the lack of thank you for what I bought her, I mean I buy for her other half's son and I don't have to! I think the icing on that particular cake was that I didn't get a birthday card last month either. Yet she was perfectly happy to get in touch to borrow £100 the back end of last year when she hadn't spoken to me in weeks at the time. 

    My H2B doesn't really like her but has always made an effort for my sake, but I think he's secretly hoping I don't invite her. He even said if it comes to it he'll explain to her why she's not invited. 

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride
    FutureMrsThomas wrote (see post):

    I don't have the patience for it at the moment. I've been stuck in the house for the best part of a month. My MOH has been messaging pretty much every day, even my friend who lives in Cheltenham has been messaging me every few days to make sure I'm ok. The two ladies in my office have been checking I'm ok. Yet, someone I thought was a good friend can't be bothered to check in once. 

    I completely understand she has a life and I don't expect any help with planning, it's my wedding not any one else's.

    That sounds so much like my situation. I'm not even bothered that she isn't involved in the wedding planning. It's more that she doesn't care about how I am. If you ever need someone to talk to you can alway DM me :) 

    It's awful how some people value their friends more than others and even worse that it takes something like a wedding for someone to show their true colours.

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    I made the mistake many years to chase after people I thought were friends. Guess what when I stopped chasing they didn't come looking for me. 

    Thanks MrsJ x 

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride
    FutureMrsThomas wrote (see post):

    I made the mistake many years to chase after people I thought were friends. Guess what when I stopped chasing they didn't come looking for me. 

    Thanks MrsJ x 

    I've started to take that approach myself recently, but I'd still rather not upset anyone. I've got enough people around me who do care. And it sounds like you do too and this forum is always good for venting!

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride
    FutureMrsThomas wrote (see post):

    I made the mistake many years to chase after people I thought were friends. Guess what when I stopped chasing they didn't come looking for me. 

    Thanks MrsJ x 

    I did exactly the same... I stopped chasing and like you.... Nothing back!

     

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride

    Update:

    Ex MOH is still ignoring me, she is now also ignoring one of my other BM's who she is also friends with. 

    I would just like to thank you for your responses, they've helped me make my mind up. I'm not going to chase her, I'm just going to carry on with my wedding planning and sending the invitations as though she is not invited. 

    I've felt as though I don't want her there for a while now and she's actually just given me the excuse I needed not to invite her. 

    I hope all your wedding planning is going smoothly!

    Thanks again.

  • sugarmousesugarmouse Posts: 189

    MrsJ2b it sounds to me as though you have given her every opportunity to let you know that she is bothered about you and your wedding and she hasn't. Christmas presents don't have to cost a lot and she could have just given you a card and a thank you.

    There are some people who are not happy unless the focus is all on them whether it be good (their wedding, baby, engagement, holiday, new job) or bad (their illness, family problems, money/ housing/relationship problems).

    A friendship is a two-way process and she clearly isn't interested. But it's her loss. I'm glad you felt brave enough to put your foot down and not invite her. And is she in floods, calling and apologising trying to patch things up? No, well that says it all then.

    I hope your wedding is fantastic xx

     

     

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    I'm sorry it's hasn't had a happy ending as such but I hope now a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. X

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride

    I've spent years worrying that if I voiced my feelings about various issues I'd upset her or that she'd make me out to be the bad guy but I'm done caring. The fact that everyone on here has been so nice and I've never even met them has shown me that I don't need a 'friendship' like that.

    Thank you all taking the time to reply, everything everyone has said is 100% right. I guess some people just don't have the capacity to think of others. 

    I'm feeling so much happier and a whole lot more excited about the wedding and the planning now.

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    Some people are all self self self and unfortunately they won't ever change.  Think of yourself and your fiancé and what you want.

    Big hugs X

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride
    Badgersbetty wrote (see post):

    Some people are all self self self and unfortunately they won't ever change.  Think of yourself and your fiancé and what you want.

    Big hugs X

    Thank you :) Hope the planning is going okay for you!! xx

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    Yes I'm good thank you, everything seems quite calm at the moment x

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