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Flaky friend invited on my Hen Do has got me anxious



I am new to participating in wedding forums - though have frequently creeped them for inspiration since getting in engaged in November!


This isn't so much a problem I expect there to be an answer to, but i want to gage of other b2bs are experiencing the same thing with friends in the run-up to their big day.


We're getting married in November this year and my bridesmaids, all of whom are incredibly organised and thoughtful, sent an email three weeks ago about the hen do.


Obviously, I am not sure how detailed it was. I know the date has been decided (end of October) but am happy to stay out of it. Except on one matter.


There is a friend of mine who I have known for 12 years now, since uni. We were incredibly close and there was a time when I imagined she would play a large part in my wedding and planning.


She has always had a volatile nature and often a nasty temper, but in essence is/ was a good egg and a good friend. Over the last 2 years, she has become incredibly flaky.


She frequently cancels plans on the night or near to it; she'll suggest doing something then never follow it up; she'll not commit to my suggestions and I'll have to chase her; she is often quite short and brusque with me; and the last few group things she has organised she largely ignored me  - apart from her birthday when she waxed lyrical to her colleagues about how I was one of her "besties". 


When I have tried to broach the matter she has become defensive and made me feel unreasonable. What is odd is that she's good friends also with one of my bridesmaids, and when she's in town (she lives overseas) tells her she "misses me". She seems to be happy for me though and does ask about the wedding and planning. It doesn't make sense but her behaviour makes me feel really bad.


When I try to ask her about her life and make an effort to be in it, I don't get a response. My other half keeps saying to have her as an 'evening guest' only, and I ummed and ahhed over inviting her on the Hen as I fear she will inevitably bail.


Now, three weeks after the email has been sent, one of bridesmaids has said they have not even had an acknowledgment of it. 


I don't want to sound like a bridezilla, but with all the emotion of this year, and all the heightened feelings I have about people attending (does anyone else have this?) I do sort of want people to respond - even if they can't make it.


It's also respectful of the time my bridesmaids are putting in. Having planned a friend's hen, I have a renewed appreciation for the work that goes in.


Said friend also bailed on my birthday last minute and is vague about meeting up again.


Is uninviting her too drastic and a little bit mean? Is it worth talking to her? Part of me thinks our friendship has run its course so should leave it at that and remove her from the hen email chain...


  • LittlespiceLittlespice Posts: 665

    Uninviting her to the hen? Or the wedding?

    If you mean the hen, I would get a BM to send an email saying if we don't hear from you by x date we will assume you aren't coming. Uninviting is not worth the politics or the hassle.

    I totally agree though that not responding is incredibly rude.

  • wed172Bwed172B Posts: 1,258

    I agree, the ladies will need to know numbers etc and its not fair for them to be chasing people over and over so i would just suggest a message to anyone who hasn't responded, asking if they can confirm by X date and if they havent heard they will have to assume its a no so they can get planning.

    On a more general note about the friendship, i may be that it has run its course and only you can decide that and also how much effort you want to put in to keeping it going. Sometimes its just best to accept you arent as close anymore but still friends and when you do meet up its nice but you dont keep in regular contact as much

  • LittleOne89LittleOne89 Posts: 388 New bride

    It seems from what you've said that she won't even turn up anyway. 

    I agree with above, set a date for her to reply by and if she doesn't then she isn't coming. Organising hen do's can be really stressful when flakes are involved! 

  • To be fair, no one knows exactly what is going on with each other's lives.  Do you think there's a reason behind all this?  Whether related to you or not?  Maybe emails are being filtered into spam?

    Anyway, rather than emailing, it will only take a minute or so for a phone call, and if she lives nearby, why not call in for a cuppa and a quick catch up with an old friend?

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    It could be that perhaps she has stuff going on in her life that she doesn't want to talk to you about? I had a similar situation with my friend and i had enough of it and told her that sometimes I need support and a friend too. She apologised and turned out that her bf had been abusing her but she knew if she saw me/spoke to me then there's no way she would have been able to keep it quiet, and she was happy with denial at that time! 

    She could be suffering from depression or anxiety which is why she bails last minute, because she does want to be there but last minute can't face it. NOBODY knew that I had depression, not even my partner, as I was good at disguising it.

    Don't write off a friend straight away, try and get to the bottom of it. Then make your own decision as to what you think is going on and decide whether she is worth you perservering.

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    I agree, say you need an answer by a certain date and if she doesn't reply ... then she isn't invited.

  • Laura741Laura741 Posts: 1

    I'm experiencing something very similar! In the short term, definitely give a deadline. In the long term, is this someone that adds something to your life? While you may have good memories from university, if you no longer have a meaningful friendship, it may be worth letting things fizzle out. 

    I was Maid of Honour for a friend in Summer 2016, now we hardly speak. We'd been friends 8 years, but I felt her loyalties were quite flaky and I always seemed to be there more for her more than she was for me. Too much has happened for me to be willing to involve her in my upcoming wedding. I'm now faced with an awkward conversation to uninvite her from my hen. Not entirely sure how to approach it! Not exactly straightforward as we now also work together, so any thoughts are appreciated! 

  • Mrs B2b3Mrs B2b3 Posts: 255

    Dump her - end of anxiety.

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