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Top table worries

I've had this sorted in my head from the start but now that its getting closer to the day I am starting to really doubt myself and worrying that I will look like one massive cow in front of my dads family.

Some background: My dad left my mum when I was 12.  He had an affair.  He broke my mums heart and crushed us as a family, he told us he was leaving and went that very day.  I am and always have been a total mummies girl, I cant say I've ever had a bad relationship with my dad but we certainly haven't been close and I wouldn't really think to call him if I needed help or advice, I would go to my mum...then sister....then friends etc...but never dad.

My step-dad has been a huge part of our lives, he moved in when I was about 15, he helped me through college, buying my photographic equipment etc, he went with me to buy my first car, he rescued me when my first car then died....he has been there through the heartbreaks, the teenage tantrums, picked me up from the middle of London in the early hours after a row with an ex when I was 18! ....you get the picture.  We are very close and I see him once a week if not more.

My step-mum has been in our lives around the same amount of time.  She wasn't the 'other woman' so there is no resentment or no ill-feeling towards her.  Myself and my sister have genuinely tried to have a close bond with her but she has never really been interested and made it quite clear growing up that she only really wanted a relationship with our dad and we were just a nuisance getting in the way!

At my dad and step-mums wedding they told us we couldn't be bridesmaids as step-mum didn't want any form of bridal party, we didn't mind one bit and went happily along to the wedding, I was 17....my little brother was 9.  In walks step-mum followed by her nephews in matching suits to my dad, while my little brother was sat next to me in a suit my mum had taken him out to buy.  We watched as the nephews were in all the wedding photos - my little brother feeling totally left out and hurt.  I remember getting home after the wedding and crying my eyes out at the pain of seeing little brother being totally ignored by his dad and new step-mum all day! my dad also sat us at a table near the back next to the fire escape for the meal, we weren't even near to him.

So to my dilemma...

I want my top table to go as follows;

MOH (My sister)

Step-dad

Mum

Dad

Bride

Groom

MOG

FOG

Best man 1

Best man 2

 

Is this going to look really bad that my step-mum has been left off the top table? my dad and SM have had no involvement with our wedding.  They barely even ask us about it on the rare occasions we see them.  I'd still like my dad to give a speech and he is my dad so feel I want him with me, but I'm not fussed about SM.

I'm meeting my dad next week to go through the runnings and timings of the day and am going to broach the subject with him then.  I'm not sure how to word it, but thought I'd see what kind of opinions people have first in case I cant see what a huge no this is?!

xx 

Posts

  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    I'm wondering why you're having your dad on the top table at all? From what you say I'd be sitting him with your step mum on a sepirate table! but then that's me! It's your wedding and you can do exactly as you please just as your step mum did at her wedding to your dad! Don't stress about it too much it's just a meal!

  • MrsCarnegieMrsCarnegie Posts: 516 New bride

    From your post, it sounds like you are doing the right thing for you and your wedding. There are so many politics around wedding, aren't there, which make you feel as if you are doing something wrong.

    We have chosen a different route for our wedding, as I have 3 bridesmaids, and hubby to be has his best man, both of our parents have either remarried, or are in relationships, so thats four sets of parents...we would have needed a huge top table!

    So we have gone for a sweetheart table, where we sit on our own, and we have put all the members of the bridal party, in the first few tables.

    Stick to your guns, and just explain to your dad as gently as you can. You never know, your step mum may prefer not to be there.

     

    Hope it goes okay xx

  • Mrs17Mrs17 Posts: 876 New bride

    I have a similar sort of family background to you, although the other way around - my mum left my dad for someone else, and is still married to said someone else, so found your opening line intriguing!

    That's a horrible picture you paint of your dads wedding. Your poor brother!

    I think just be honest about it - that you'd like the people you are closest to on the top table but unfortunately there isn't room for everyone. I can see why he may be a little hurt, as he may feel he's been singled out a little, but he's a grown man and for the sake of a few hours and his little girl, he should be able to deal with it.

    When I initially spoke to my dad about juggling table plans, he told me that he would do as he was told with no complaints, because it was my day, and he's already had his. As it is, we have decided to sit all 8 parents & stepparents together on one table, as otherwise our top table would have been slightly out of control!! They have all been quite happy about this, as they are all grown ups who have moved on and realise the day isn't about them. Phew!

  • Hello MrsG2b

    This situation sounds very similar to when I got married & I can totally understand where you are coming from - firstly I think the most important thing to do is to not doubt yourself one bit about what you decide as it's yours and your H2B's day & you must do what you would like & what you feel is right - you are not being mean in anyway, whatever you decide ;)

    When I got married my Step Dad gave me away & did the speech - my real Dad, SM & Step brother did come to the Wedding but had very little involvement, if any, with the planning so I decided that none of them would sit on the top table to save any awkwardness or tricky situations - I did however sit them close to the top table. One thing that stands out to me from your post is that you have mentioned that they have shown very little interest in your wedding plans - which is such a shame but I think pretty common in these situations - could you maybe sit them all together at a table close to your TT & still ask your Dad to do a reading? This would mean that he is still involved but sitting them all together on a table close to the TT is likely to cause less of a tricky situation or a difficult discussion as to why your SM isn't seated on the TT.

    I hope this helps a bit at least 

    Lastly, have a fantastic Wedding & enjoy every minute x

     

     

  • Oh honey, fuck your step mother! Seriously, what a bitch! Sit her in the corner. Or outside. She did it to you. Bitch can get over it! Sorry, sounds harsh, but no-one has a right to make a child feel unloved by their parent! 

    I have a good relationship with my stepmum (although not in a parental way, I was 21 when she married my dad) and she's still not sat at the top table. And she's fine about it. As longing as she's sat with people she knows, she'll be fine. And she's right at the front too. 

    If people get judgy, they will most likely keep it to themselves. People always look for something to complain about so at least you'll know what it is :p honestly, tell them it's only a couple of hours and it's important to you to be sat with your parents. Explain to your dad that your stepdad is a parent to you, but your stepmum isn't and that's how the decision was made. If he's a reasonable man, he will understand your point of view and kick himself for letting this happen. If he's not, just sit him in the corner with his wife and be done. 

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Thank you all for the kind reassurance.

    Lucy -Myself and H2B did discuss having bridal party only on TT. So my BM's and his Best men, no parents.  However, his mum and my mum would be so hurt by this and taking into account my H2B has such a tiny family (5 members - that's it!) we felt it very sad to not give his mum a chance to do the 'traditional wedding thing'.

    I'm going to word it how you have suggested Wibble and say that I want the people closest to me.  If he or if they are genuinely hurt then I will have to have a re-think and maybe include her but ultimately this isn't what I would like.  She has been quite rude on occasions when I have tried to tell them something about the wedding. 

    My step-dad is playing a part in the wedding by walking me down the aisle together with my dad.  He also asked me if he would be able to give a speech as it would mean a lot, so he is doing this.  He is also very close with H2B and they play golf together on occasions.  My dad hasn't given H2B any time at all...but then he doesn't give me much time so we aren't very surprised.

    MrsCarnegie - My mum has also said that she doubts SM will want to be on the TT, SM has never made any effort to speak to my mum even though my mum has tried hard with her, even inviting her out to dinner with us once.  So this is always a possibility, she may prefer to sit with my nan and other members of the family rather than on the same table as mum.

    Tanya - You are right, it is just a meal! wedding politics are so silly! unfortunately they do exist and I don't want my wedding being the cause of any on-going arguments into the future.

    xxx

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    MrsWoolgrove! - Loving the bluntness!! hahaha!! Totally get what you are saying, and yes the thing with my brother still makes me cry when I think about it! to this day I don't think either of them realise how mentally scarring that was for my brother.  My dad actually has a little boy (my half brother) he is 10. I am taking him next week to get fitted in a suit like H2B's as I wont have him feeling how my brother felt.  He'd be seeing my sis as MOH and Brother as an usher and him sitting their in a suit nothing like the rest of them! ...I couldn't do that to him, so even though he doesn't really have any involvement he will never feel like that!

    xxx

     

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I can see why you feel this way but I don't really see how you can have your dad on the top table without his wife. Will sitting him next to your mum not make things a bit awkward? Afterall it doesn't sound like their relationship ended well.

    I think you either need to have both of them on the top table or neither of them. 

     

  • Ooops sorry just re-read my post - when I said none of them - I meant my dad, SM & step brother - all the others did ;)

    Good luck with whatever you decide x

  • wed172Bwed172B Posts: 1,258

    I think considering the situation as you've described, also the fact that surely she will want to sit with her son? then this will be fine, i would tell your dad you can't fit everyone but would like him to be there as he's giving a speech, if he's not happy then he can sit with step mum if needs be but hopefully he will understand, best of luck!

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