I think my sister is a bully but I love her and don't want to loose her.

Okay weddings are stressful but second time around I thought I was a bit more sussed. But one of my sisters is creating me so much stress not just about the wedding but in general and I don’t know what to do for the best.My family have so many “issues” you could write a book but nobody would believe it and it would be mistakenly filed as fiction. My mother and one of my sisters are truly a nightmare. They will not be at my wedding of course or my dad who couldn’t and never has given a damn about me.

I am the eldest of five (nightmare sister is in the middle) and the next one in age to me is the problem. Despite my being the eldest she has always been more confident than me and she speaks to me in a way that although she passes it off as honest I think it’s rude and can be nasty and lately it’s making me feel really upset. When we were kids she did this but it’s weird how speaking to her can still shred me to pieces.

First there’s the buffet food. I am a Vegan and fiancé (meat-eater) and I found a great caterer who goes up and down the country doing catering and most of the people who eat her food are not vegans. The food sounded great. Sister said she didn’t like vegan food, was going to bring some sandwiches. I thought well okay fine suit yourself, but then she said “vegan food is horrible, your guests will hate it because it’s disgusting and they will just leave and go to McDonalds.” That was really upsetting and I spoke to fiancé who assured me that most of the guests would be curious and be happy to try the food, none of it was “weird."

Last week we met up for a cup of coffee and again she ripped into me. In the last six months, I have lost a fair bit of weight. I was a size 16 and am now an 8-10. I love wearing smaller clothes but I have always had rheumatoid arthritis (my whole life) and had been so poorly, with the added weight I was struggling to walk. I even needed a wheeled walking frame. Now I can walk miles, pain free no medication. This was the reason I lost it, not to wear skinny jeans. Now she is very big a size 22 and a smoker and I worry about her health but keep my mouth shut it's her business. She told me I looked terrible and had lost my boobs (I'm still a D-cup) and looked like our alcoholic aunt before she died. Then she told me my hair was thinning (it really isn’t) and my jumper was hideous. I said nothing, just mumbled that I was feeling much better now I had lost the weight. She told me she is bringing food for her, her boyfriend) and his three daughters because allegedlly they hate Vegan food as well. She is assuming that she is doing my hair and make-up but after telling me I look like crap, frankly I don’t want her to. I would rather have my dreadful hair and dreadful face dealt with by someone else. But if I do say anything I don’t like I have enough strength to deal with the fall out. I have a history of anxiety and now I can’t help but worry that everyone will hate the wedding food and I will look like crap.

Posts

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    I'm sorry but someone just needs to give her a slap! I feel really sorry for you but unfortunately this is not going to be your wedding unless you stand up to her. First of all, they are YOUR guests, not hers, and so she has no right to say everyone will hate it and want to go to McDonalds. If that's what YOU want at YOUR wedding, then do it! People are there for you and your other half, they are not going to get up halfway through and decide the food you've put on for them for free isn't good enough.

    I'd personally wouldn't offer any details about my wedding unless she asked and then by the time she sees it, it will be too late. If she then announces that it's all rubbish, she'll look like a huge brat in front of all your other guests.

    Good luck xx

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    She is being very childish and silly and it is not for her to be criticising your wedding. I think she comes across as being jealous of you.

    I wouldn't be telling her any details for the wedding from now on, as it seems she just pick a problem with everything!!

  • Oh hun, I'm really sorry to hear your sister is being like this. It sounds like you've done amazingly well with your weight loss - go you!! but her attitude towards you and your big day stinks of jealousy. The more you ignore it and don't rise to it, the more it'll annoy her and eventually she'll give up. Though saying your hair is thinning and you look terrible is a low blow!

    This is yours and your h2b's day and if you want vegan food, you go ahead! I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't knock it before you try it, and I think a lot of people follow that mindset. Seriously, it makes me mad when people think they can have a say in what you're spending your money on. Tell her that your venue will not allow any food that has been bought in to be eaten so if she wishes to eat sandwiches on her big sister's big day then she'll have to go eat them in the car.

    Good luck <3 x

  • Bims09Bims09 Posts: 240 New bride

    Like Bella says, it sounds like she is jealous - of both your fantastic weight loss and your wedding. I'm a meat eater but wouldn't be put off by the prospect of vegan food at a wedding. In fact, I'd be intrigued! It's a bit different, and it sounds as though your caterer is well known and sought after. 

    Don't let your sister knock your confidence x 

  • sugarmousesugarmouse Posts: 189

    I think what's really hard is that she has grown up with seeing me dealing with the pain and restriction from my arthritis. The injections, the physio, the callipers and surgery. She was the one who had to go and run to get my parents when my spine collapsed. I was only 10 so she must of been 8. So she knows just how bad it can get and I don't expect her to say "wow don't you look fantastic" but not to acknowledge that this has meant I can walk normally like everyone else when last year I was taking tramadol.  I was headed for a wheelchair and if an arthritic goes into a wheelchair whilst they're overweight they probably aint coming back out of it.

    I travelled alone a couple of weeks ago from Birmingham to York which was three trains to see our other sister and new niece. Whereas before I wouldn't have gone further than the corner shop without someone there. I just want to shout at her "never mind the number on the clothes label. I am telling you I was close to not walking full stop and now I am healthy." She knows what this means and doesn't seem to care and that cuts deeper than any wedding plans.

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    Oh my god, what a horrible woman! Why are you still talking to her? I personally would say well if you don't like it.. don't come!

    Well done for losing the weight, sounds like jealousy is a big factor here!

  • Mrs AyseMrs Ayse Posts: 561

    Agreed! For you to be truly happy, you have to cut out the bad and sometimes that can be your closest. 

    Well done for losing the weight and improving your health. I'm chuffed to bits for you! x

  • LittleOne89LittleOne89 Posts: 388 New bride

    She sounds incredibly jealous and selfish. She is using offending you as a defence mechanism against her own weight gain, IMO.

    Don't let her bring you down! 

  • sugarmousesugarmouse Posts: 189

    Today I was so low and then my other youngest sister messaged to say she didn't like vegan food and would bring food for her and her husband and their kids as well. This annoyed me because when I went up to their house a couple of weeks ago their boys aged 4 and 6 were asking to try my food and some of it they loved and some they didn't but they were really curious about it. It was my sister who was wary of it not the kids.

    Anyway I text her and asked what is it you think I will be serving? And she messaged back that they weren't vegan and didn't want to eat vegan food. I was really not well at this point and just needed some emotional support from her and said look sandwiches aside I am not great at the moment I am really low and could do with a chat. I tried to call her but she wouldn't answer and text back that she didn't see what the fuss was about and why couldn't I just let them bring food and not make a big fuss of it. But I text and said look I know I have never asked you for support because I am your big sister but right now I really need it. I am not well.

    I told my fiancé I wanted to cancel the wedding and reception to all guests we would just have our daughters and one other witness (my daughter is only 14). He said absolutely no way, that I should tell them to sort themselves out or not come.

    I contacted them both. My younger sister I text that I loved her and the kids and always would but I felt she was coming out of a sense of obligation and that I only wanted people to come if they genuinely wanted to be there. I said I didn't want people to come in with lunchboxes unless there was a genuine reason but that even if she wasn't at my wedding that didn't change the fact that I love her and the kids. And she responded pffft. Whatever that means.

    And my other sister I called her out on her comments and said I wasn't sure if she realised how her comments hurt me, that nobody else spoke to me like this and had all been positive and that I thought her response to the food was over-the-top, Again I said that I thought she was coming out of obligation and that actually our relationship was making me feel really rubbish about myself. She replied that she hadn't realised that she had said anything offensive and that if I didn't want her to attend the wedding that was fine and she hoped I had a good wedding and that was it.

    As horrible as it is to think that out of all my immediate family neither my mother, father or any of my three sisters will be there I feel I can actually draw a line under it now and move on. I don't know if my brother will attend but he is pretty laid back. He will possibly attend the wedding and then leave because he struggles with social situations anyway.

    It's not a good feeling though. My family just bring out the worst in each other. The sad reality is we are probably better off when we have less contact :(

     

  • SarahC2016SarahC2016 Posts: 396 New bride

    Well done you for standing up for yourself. You deserve so much better and I am glad your fiancé is on your side. I hope you have a wonderful wedding surrounded by people who want the best for you. <3<3

     

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    Big hugs to you! And a big well done for saying how you felt!

    Doesn't sound like they are bothered at all but it also sounds like you have had a weight lifted off your shoulders, just remember 'its your and your fiancé's day'

  • Mrs AyseMrs Ayse Posts: 561

    Aww good on you, doesn't sound like they would have added more like taken away from the day. Big hugs x

  • Rosegold017Rosegold017 Posts: 476

    It seems like it has got to the stage where even the mere thought of your immediate family members puts a cloud of anxiety over you. I think you will have a much happier day without them. I hope they think about it and try to reach out, but it doesn't sound as though they have nailed self-reflection.

    I say embrace your day and look it as the start of a new life and a new family unit for you.

  • sugarmousesugarmouse Posts: 189

    Thank you all for your support, but it's so hard. I'm not naïve enough to think either of them were over the moon for me but I hoped they could feign interest and behave themselves for a few hours.

    Looking back they have been a pain-in-the-arse from the start. My cousin found out about my wedding from Facebook and I didn't see any reason not to invite her and her partner to the reception. My youngest sister was suddenly very angry with me because allegedly she stole money from her years ago. My sister threatened not to come. Well what she said was "Dave (her husband) said we won't come." I explained I hadn't known about the money and to be honest I think my cousin should have asked me first if it was okay with my sister if she came. So I contacted cousin and explained look I don't want to have a bust up but obviously there is history with you and Amy and she is threatening not to come. Cousin said okay she wouldn't come. Called sister and told her "it's okay cousin won't be there. You're my sister and she (cousin) was in the wrong. I don't want you to be unhappy." She went ballistic. "I didn't want you to make a huge big fuss about it, now I really don't want to come. How dare you tell her not to come and blame me." After much discussion and effort on my part to calm her down she decided I should re-invite cousin and they would be polite to each other. But she was still harassed with me. Recently she told me they would have to leave the reception very early because her husband has agreed to go on some youth group thing through the church. Apparently this was only agreed a few weeks ago. My wedding was booked months before. In fact at one point he told her that they couldn't come to my wedding at all because he had a commitment!

    My other sister is always busy, work, social life, boyfriend. I posted in Facebook that I was going dress shopping but it felt weird to go alone. Sister posted reply "well you could ask me I am your b***y sister." I called and apologised and explained I understood she has a busy life. "So I asked when is good for you?" I couldn't pin her down to a date or time. She was ill, she was working, she wanted to spend the weekend with her boyfriend, she was too tired. I knew that would happen. In the end I went without her.

    Now my daughter has had a big fall out with one of her friends who I let her invite. Her mum and I got on okay and she and her daughters (both friends with my daughter) were coming to the reception. Now daughter and friend don't speak and mum is really frosty with me. Great another issue to deal with.

    I have been treading on eggshells trying to please my sisters. They have problems with the date, the food, the other guests. But haven't once shown any interest or happiness for me. But I still feel a big loss and I know I am depressed. When getting dressed is a major achievement it's not a good sign. If it wasn't for fiancé, this wedding would be cancelled immediately. I want to get married but I absolutely do not want a wedding.

  • Mrs..C..2beMrs..C..2be Posts: 318 New bride

    Just reading the full thread and first off big hugs. Families can be horrid and I've seen it posted so many times but weddings really do bring out the worst in some people. I dare say if you weren't vegan they would undoubtedly find something else to moan about or some other way of undermine your excitement and planning. You have stood up to them and no doubt they will probably relish in the drama that they're not attending but it certainly sounds like their negative presence will not be missed. Meanwhile it sounds like you have made a tremendous effort to lose the weight and get healthy. A massive well done! I have close family who have mobility issues and carry extra weight and I've seen their struggles. Like you say dropping a few dress sizes is nothing compared to the benefits to your health, mobility and life. I truly hope you can put the family issues aside and enjoy the rest of your planning xx

  • sugarmousesugarmouse Posts: 189

    Okay change of plan. Fiancé has pulled me out of my dreadful mood. I have booked my daughter and myself in to have our hair done on the morning of the wedding. I have also booked my consultation so I am excited again now.

    So that's it time to celebrate what is after all one of the most important days of my life.

     

     

     

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    Oh my goodness... Seems like it's been a constant struggle for you from the start.

    Yes if I'm honest it's sounds like you gave given in too often.... Give yourself a positive talking to and find your inner lioness!!  Take no shit from no one!! Lol

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