Bridesmaid causing drama - please help.

Hello,

I was just wondering what the etiquette was on the bride (me) requesting the bridesmaids to have a similar hairstyle on the day?

My mum is a hairdresser and we also have a stylist coming in on the day which I have paid for.

I sent a photo of the style I liked a few months back and understood that each bridesmaid has different hair types - for example long, curly, bleached etc so happy for all the bridesmaids to have a variation of the the style. (The style is half up, half down with curls. My MOH is having a twist at the back, one bridesmaid is having her fringe out and just clips at the back etc). But as long as from the front the two 'strands' are clipped back to show a look of unity and continuity. I've also brought them all hair accessories for this style too.

So, I put a message on the bridesmaid chat regarding them bringing some Kirby grips on the day (10 days away) and one of my bridesmaids replied that she has had her hair cut shorter than it was previously (from just have collar bone to ear lobe length) and up right refuses to do the hairstyle not because it won't work but because she doesn't like the way it looks.

I've been nothing but polite, understanding and patient but I'm receiving fertility treatment at the moment and this stress isn't helping me And the process. (perhaps why I'm making a deal out of it too!) Although, She's also been quite blunt to me in the chats and made me feel a bit of a nuisance and unworthy as if all my choices are wrong because that's not what she did for her wedding. I've come away near tears at times but never once bitten back. 

Additionally, this has actually angered the other bridesmaids and has caused tension between 'them vs. Her' because this isn't the only thing she has made awkward for me (For example: we agreed to meet at 10am at the hotel the morning of the weddinn to get ready together but a few days ago she TOLD me she will be arriving at just gone midday and ready now. Which has upset me because I spent money on personalised dressing gowns, slippers and PJ's to all get ready in in the morning - including her. Also she kicked up a fuss which I tried so hard to stay level minded in because she wanted her husband in the 'get ready room' which I politely declined and earlier on in the planning started a quite verbally rude argument with my MOH (sister in law to be) when she made the final call on the hen do plans and wanted to wear her own wedding shoes instead of the selected bridesmaid shoes which again I had to politely challenge etc etc...) 

I'm really upset at the way she is behaving as a bridesmaid and I feel heartbroken that a good friend of mine is making so much drama And upsetting so many of those I love. I feel as if I don't know the woman she is behaving like. One of my more placid bridesmaids said she was so upset by her actions towards me on the chat she sent her a private message to ask her to think about how her actions are making me feel. I don't know how the conversation went.

What would be your suggestion regarding the hair? Would you just let her do which ever style she'd like and not look like the other bridesmaids? Or, would you put your foot down a little and ask her to follow a variation of the style picked? I never want to seem like a bridezilla and want to think about everyone's feelings not only as my bridesmaids but my friends too. 

Thank you for listening and apologies that this has turned into a bit of a rant!

Posts

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Its hard to say what to do, because for me personallt I dont care how they have their hair, I just want them to like it themselves and be happy, I quite like a bit of individuality to come through rather than a uniform look. But if it matters to you then it matters, but Im just not sure its worth the stress?

    At the end of the day you can try to demand it, but you cant actually force her into the hairdressers chair. So you need to think what your options are if she still refuses, is it worth losing a bridesmaid/friendship over?

    But on the other hand her behaviour sounds awful generally so its not JUST the hair. Have you spoken to her about her actions yourself?

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    A bit controlling bridezilla here in my opinion.  I really dont think it matters weather bridesmaids match bride.  Are you willi g to lose a friend over it because if i were her i would be feeling very bullied and picked on by all of you and would probably call it a day with the whole thing.  

     

    However if she and the hair thing is important to you then you need to compromise abit.  

    I wanted all mine to have long hair and plaited, my moh has pixie hair and is wearing a bridal comb!!   You cant have everything!  

     

    I wouldnt allow the others to be hurting her either, this is how i see it so sorry if its not meant that way,  speak to her yourself as leader of " bridal pack" and smooth some feathers!  

     

    Good luck.  

  • AlisonMaryAlisonMary Posts: 210

    I echo Mrs J. 

    I am fussy about how I have my hair, not because I like to cause trouble, but because I am self conscious about having my hair a certain way - my mate who I was bridesmaid for knew this and just let me (and the others) choose our own style. 

    I am doing the same for mine - they are my best friends, and how they feel is just as important as how they look. Yes, I would draw the line at a Mohawk, or them dying it green....but in terms of a style, I want them to look and feel amazing too. 

    What reason has she given for turning up at gone midday? I think this is far worse than not wanting her hair a certain way. Getting ready with your BMs is, in my opinion, a big part of the day. So I would be wanting a valid reason for that. 

    I would let the hair thing go though tbh... x

  • Jools7Jools7 Posts: 15

    Reading this I'm wondering who's day it really is ? Does this bridesmaid think its her day !!?

    does she really want to be there at all? Perhaps she should be asked this question

    we are all different but if it was my wedding I would tell her not to bother to turn up at all . I understand it's not the opinion of everyone,

    good luck 

     

  • Lauren147Lauren147 Posts: 185

    When i spoke with the hairdressers doing my bridesmaid hair, they were surprised that I wasn't picking their hair. So i do think it is normal to ask them to follow  a theme. I hardly think your being unreasonable with saying half up/down. How about rather than a traditional half up/down. She just pins her hair back, that way its a compromise that would work with her shorter hair. 

    I was banned from cutting my hair by my SIL at her wedding and I'm a bridesmaid again in 3 weeks and have been told to have an up-do. I don't think its bridezilla at all. 

    Can I ask does she even want to be a bridesmaid?? She doesn't want to follow your scheme or even get ready with you?? Does she not want to be part of your photos? I would tell her if she doesn't want to be there for that why bother at all. In my opinion (probably will get negative comments) your either a bridesmaid for it all or non at all! 

  • Rose47Rose47 Posts: 3
    Lauren147 wrote (see post):

    When i spoke with the hairdressers doing my bridesmaid hair, they were surprised that I wasn't picking their hair. So i do think it is normal to ask them to follow  a theme. I hardly think your being unreasonable with saying half up/down. How about rather than a traditional half up/down. She just pins her hair back, that way its a compromise that would work with her shorter hair. 

    I was banned from cutting my hair by my SIL at her wedding and I'm a bridesmaid again in 3 weeks and have been told to have an up-do. I don't think its bridezilla at all. 

    Can I ask does she even want to be a bridesmaid?? She doesn't want to follow your scheme or even get ready with you?? Does she not want to be part of your photos? I would tell her if she doesn't want to be there for that why bother at all. In my opinion (probably will get negative comments) your either a bridesmaid for it all or non at all! 

     

     

    REPLY: 

    Thanks for your reply- I really value lots of different opinions on the matter. I've given all the bridesmaids an option on how they wish to interpret "half up half down". For example my MOH's hair will have a twist at the back, another BM's will just be clipped and another's will have a smooth finish round the back. I've asked the bridesmaid in question whether she could simply pin a small section up like you suggested -  which I've seen her wear in day to day life - and I've also said she's more than welcome to wear her fringe out too but she still flat out refuses. I've tried to be so reasonable and open. She says she wants it down and with a slight wave, however.  I think the hair is just the icing on the cake from her previous behaviour and in the grand scheme of things it is so insignificant- it's probably because, like I say, this is the most recent of a long list of challenges. 

     

  • Rose47Rose47 Posts: 3
    Katherine66 wrote (see post):

    A bit controlling bridezilla here in my opinion.  I really dont think it matters weather bridesmaids match bride.  Are you willi g to lose a friend over it because if i were her i would be feeling very bullied and picked on by all of you and would probably call it a day with the whole thing.  

     

    However if she and the hair thing is important to you then you need to compromise abit.  

    I wanted all mine to have long hair and plaited, my moh has pixie hair and is wearing a bridal comb!!   You cant have everything!  

     

    I wouldnt allow the others to be hurting her either, this is how i see it so sorry if its not meant that way,  speak to her yourself as leader of " bridal pack" and smooth some feathers!  

     

    Good luck.  

     

     

     

    REPLY:

     

    Hello Katharine, 

    Thank you for your reply. I like to see both sides of the picture So your opinion is valuable. 

    I'm sorry, perhaps in my original post I was a little muddled- whoops. I don't want the bridesmaids to match me,  the bride, but instead all have a similar theme among them. I've given the idea of "half up, half down with a curl" and I'm leaving the choice of that to each individual bridesmaid. So, for example, my MOH is having a twist at the back Of hers and another a smooth finish etc so they can each dress the hair to their needs and hair type. 

     

    I can assure you that none of my bridesmaids once have ever been rude, untoward or nasty towards her. That isn't any of our ways. We have been incredible diplomatic and reasonable in every sense of the word. I agree with you, if they were ever nasty that would be totally unjust behaviour. 

     

    I value my friendship with each of my girls and they have been a wonderful support to me after the death of our Infant Son. Their loyalty will always be something that is important to me. I value them as individuals, my friends as well as my bridesmaids. But to be fair to my other bridesmaids and MOH I cannot have one rule for one, and a totally different one for another if you see what I mean? 

     

    I have sent a message to her myself but whatever I say and however I approach it falls on Deaf ears. 

    Again, thank you for your response and good luck with your wedding! 

     

    Rose x 

     

     

  • Lucy266Lucy266 Posts: 176

    I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I hope you have a lovely wedding, and things are positive for you from now on.

    It sounds like this person is a good friend overall, and this isn't usual behaviour - so I'm in the 'isn't worth the drama' camp. Also, is there a reason why she wants her hubby around (as it is an odd request)? Does she suffer from social anxiety? Any childcare issues?

     

  • MrsC2018MrsC2018 Posts: 191 New bride

    I don't think asking bridesmaids to have a hairstyle is bridezilla at all. I also think having them similar is quite a common thing to do. I have the approach of if I have an up-do, I will have them with a down-do or vice versa. Not put much thought into except if I am paying for a hairdresser then I will be choosing the style.

    As for the other things, she is being unreasonable. To not get ready with you is bad, this is one of the best parts of a being a bridesmaid and I understand it as part of their role to help the bride with dressing  and planning the morning, getting to the church on time etc. By the fact she has said she wants to turn up later makes me think she has her own plans for the morning including her hairstyle so you may have an issue changing her mind. Why on earth would she want her husband in the getting ready room? That's just weird. Could it be that he is influencing these decisions? 

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    I don't think the hair style matters tbh, perhaps have the same hair accessories - that will create unity.

  • Hi

    I wouldn't worry too much about the hair, just let them have what they feel comfortable with. All eyes will be on you anyway!

    As someone else said I would be more sad about her not getting ready with you, that is a bridesmaid duty.

    To be honest it sounds like she has insecurities and maybe her own worries are coming out. Is she married or happy with someone?

    I'm sure you will still have an amazing day and sounds like you have other lovely friends to look after you. 

    Xx

  • Charlotte237Charlotte237 Posts: 274 New bride

    I really don't think the hair thing matters at all. I've let each of my 4 BMs choose how they want their hair and they've all gone for different styles and I'm fine with that. I might get them an accessory they can all wear but i don't think it matters, though I am aware it's quite common for them to match. I would let the hair thing go.

    HOWEVER, I think the other stuff she's doing is awful and she's behaving really badly! Does she realise it's your day not hers?! I'd be really upset if she turned up midday ... part of the point of being a BM is to help the bride yet ready and that's half the fun! And her partner in the getting ready room is just weird!! X

  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 837 New bride

    I think the hair and shoes are just superficial things, and in my opinion don't matter much. I've said that my bridesmaids can have their hair however and choose their own shoes, I just want them to be comfortable, plus they're all wearing the dress I chose so I appreciate that. Also mine are aged 15- 30 so lots of different styles etc. 

    I would be sad about the not getting ready bit though, and think it's unreasonable for her to ask for her husband to get ready with you all too. However, is it worth losing a friend over? I think we brides sometimes find it hard to see that whilst our bridesmaids are a vital part of our weddings, our weddings can't be the centre of their world. I think you'll always get different levels of fort, so I would probably just shrug my shoulders and let her get on with it - and focus on the girls who were putting in more effort. Easier said than done, though! Good luck x

  • JdotJJdotJ Posts: 196 New bride

    Personally i'd let them choose how they have their hair, everyone knows what suits them best. I've been told every single time i've been a Bridesmaid (about 10 times and counting!) how to wear my hair and i've hated it every time as it's been something overly fussy that just doesn't suit me. For example I hate wearing my hair up, I have a massive egg head (haha) so I like my fringe down to help disguise the egg, but i've always been made to have it off my face and every time I see photos i'm just like urgh! I appreciate it's what someone else wants, and i've always gone along with it and said nothing but there's nothing worse than being made to feel uncomfortable for no apparent reason other than to all look the same. I know it's your big day, but I do feel people should be a bit more considerate to other people's hang ups and want them to feel nice too. The last time I was a bridesmaid I think I actually re did my hair half way through because I felt so awful about it (terrible I know) but it was after all the photos so it wasn't until the end of the night really.

    Let us know what happens though, 

    Jx

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask your bridesmaids to follow a certain style and I think telling them a general "half up half down" and letting them have flexibility within that is fair, I'm quite sure this friend could find something she was comfortable within that guideline, all of your other friends presumably have. I was a bridesmaid recently and the bride told us she wanted us all to have a curly, loose updo, but when we sat with the hairdresser we could choose how high we had it, how the parting at the front looked etc. I will be doing something similar at my wedding. 

    That said. Given your situation, don't lose sleep over it if you're also going through your fertility treatment, you really don't need the stress! She's the one who will look weird as the odd one out in photos, and I'm sure on the day you'll hardly notice. If she has much shorter hair then she will look different to the others anyway, no big deal.

    I would be most upset about her not wanting to be there on the morning, and asking for her husband to be there in the room too is just plain weird! Ask her reasons for it and politely say that you think it's a big part of your plans for the day and that you're really upset she is actively choosing to miss out. Maybe she feels (rightly or wrongly) a little ostracised from the rest of the group so is now going out of her way to be even more difficult. Maybe reassuring her that everyone really does want her to be there and part of the morning will change her mind. 

     

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