i think we both made a mistake?? ;(

HI all i have joined this forum as i desperatly need some advise. this is a long story but will try to keep it short and simple.

i got married to my husband exactly a month today  after being together for 16 years and have two children, mortgage etc. i always knew my husband never really was that bothered about getting married. two days a go he came in from pub drunk (this is a regular thing and whilst i wouldnt say he is an alcoholic, he definitley has issues with it)anyway he came in drunk, made our 10 year old daughter cry by telling her everything that was on her birthday list was sh*t. when we argued about this he grabbed my wrist and the more i pulled away the tighter he griped it to the point it hurt for a good while after. everytime i spoke he'd stick his middle finger up at me in front of our daughter. he then told me he never wanted to get married and felt that he was pushed into it by me!! he said that the wedding was all about me, my family and not his. i have bent over backwards to make sure they felt included which is hard as there are only four members of his immediate family and are quite private, and quite a lot of mine (im one of 4) we had our preview pictures back from our photographer there was one picture of him with his mum the rest were of me and my family and guests in general, so this has only added fuel to his fire. photographer did take pictures of him with his family they just were not in the preview package.......

Anyway looking back, i suppose all the warning signs were there, no proposal (we just agreed that it would be nice to get married at the venue we'd seen accidently), but he told me to book it. he gave me the money to buy my own engagement ring and never came with me (stating i could get the one i wanted). he never paid a penny towards the wedding apart from his own clothes that he wore, and on our wedding night me and the kids went back to our apartment whilst he stayed out drinking with his friends till the early hours of the morning whilst they had to make sure he got back safely. so i suppose all the warning signs were there and deep down i knew this but chose to ignore it. the other night he told me he wanted me to divorce him which both kids heard and were upset about it the next day, i said no problem if thats how he felt.

i feel so stupid!!! what do i do??  the next day he acted as though everything was normal, and that I was over reacting about what was said. he looked totally shocked when i told him what had been said and he said he didnt mean it..... but what do i do? part of me thinks im contiuning to disrespect myself and my kids by stopping with him, i told him i feel he is damaging our kids when he's like that because they hear everything thats said. (our house is open plan with no door down stairs) or do i think, well were married now shall we make a go of it, as when things are good they are fantastic, but im not sure i can live with myself knowing im married to someone who didnt want to marry me in the first place and felt pushed into it.

 

 

Posts

  • emma531emma531 Posts: 216

    Hi Anne Marie, so sorry to hear of your bad experience. Pls stop beating yourself up over it. Its so easy to get carried away with everything and want things to be ok. Its much easier to remember the good and not the bad which is how people get swept away. Its not your fault, why should you not want a happy ending?!

    He's acted appallingly and you deserve better. I know its easier said than done and when you love someone its easy to make excuses but you need to put yourself and your kids 1st as you're the only ones that have to live with whatever decision you make.

    Was he like this before the wedding? Or is it the wedding thats tipped things? 

    I can almost guarantee that this will eat away at you and you'll resent him for the things he has said. Imo your husband should feel honoured to be married to you! Think about what example this is giving your kids? Are you telling them its ok to be treated in this way? Because tgats what they'll pick up on.

    I come from a broken, very turbulent home and wouldnt wish it on anyone. I then went from 1 bad boyfriend to the next and they got worse as i went along but i just always tried to make a go of things until the decision was taken out of my hands. Im finally with a "normal" decent bloke and my life is so different.

     Being with him for 16yrs may have led you to believe that his behaviour is normal, but its not. Do something about it now, dont leave it to be still in this situation in 10 yrs time when you'll have wasted another 10yrs. It'll be hard at 1st, but i can guarantee things DO get better! 

    Sorry if im being brutal, just speaking from experience ! X

  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    I think first of all you need to address his obvious problem with alcohol, you also need to contact relate and try and have some sessions with them. Problems can be fixable but only if both of you agree that you need to work on the issues together. If your husband is not willing or able to deal with the problems then you owe it to your children and yourself to get out of a damaging relationship, remember everything they see or hear will be stored up in their memories and will affect the way they view relationships. You cannot just let this lie you must take action whether it is to get your husband to deal with his issues by working together or by choosing to go your separate ways, neither is easy but either way you will improve your life for yourself and for your children, but if you do nothing one day things could be much worse for you than a twisted wrist.

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,122 New bride

    Only you can really decide what to do, however from what you've described you sound desperately unhappy and your relationship with your husband sounds strained. 

    I'm going to tell you what happened in my first marriage, I'm not saying how I dealt with things is right or wrong but hopefully it may give you an idea about your options. 

    I met my first husband when we were 17 and we were married at 23. He didn't bother with a romantic proposal, he did go and get me a ring but it was everything I didn't like about engagement rings and he hadn't bothered to listen. He didn't like me to go out, preferring me to stay at home with him. He didn't like me having friends that he didn't also know so he slowly whittled away at my friendship group until I was reliant on him and his friends for a social life. Thankfully, we didn't have children although he wanted us to. He would try and have sex with me constantly, even though I would say no as I believe he wanted to get me pregnant and "trap me". 

    I spent all of my adult life with this man, I believe he loved me but his version of love was twisted and damaging. The thought of living without him was absolutely terrifying. Eventually I found the strength to leave him after I found out he was having an affair with a girl from work (he would constantly accuse me of affairs, so ironic!) 

    The first three months or so were hell, I was distraught and the only thing that kept me going was getting up to feed the cat- how sad is that?!

    But then, after a while things got better. They weren't great but they were more bearable. And then I met someone when I wasnt looking for it and he showed me what it was like to be in an equal relationship, what it was like to be loved without having to give anything in return. He makes me feel adored and I never thought j would have that. 

    What I'm trying to say is that whilst it may hurt if you left, and of course you have children to consider to, but it does get better. You deserve more and your children deserve a house without arguments and sadness. Whatever you do, good luck xx

  • I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.

    My experience isn't exactly comparable, but I definitely agree with Rach371 and I think that if you've experienced a particular kind of 'love' for a long time it seems normal and it can be really difficult to step back and convince yourself that you do in fact deserve better. When you find someone who truly loves and respects you for you, then they do nice things for you and spend time with you because they want to, not just because they feel forced into it. The feeling of being with someone like that just doesn't compare and finding them is 100% worth the emotional upheaval of leaving a damaging relationship! 

    I really hope you can get some help and work through your issues together and come out of the other side of this stronger - many of the strongest marriages I know went through really rocky patches - but if he is not able or willing to change then I think you owe it to yourself and your children to build a better life without him.

    Also, I know this is a wedding forum ;) but relationships aren't the be all and end all. I think being single is better than staying in a marriage which is making you both unhappy. But I totally understand that it is not a step to be taken lightly or a relationship that you want to give up on too easily.

    Only you can know what is right for you, but whatever you do decide there are people who will support you from near and far.

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    As I someone whose parents split, I would suggest at least talking to him about trying counselling, therapy, classes etc, im now nearly 27, my parents split when I was 12 and it still gets to me that they never even tried to fix their marriage, not even for my sister and mines sake, my mum simply left (my dad had no idea she was unhappy) and my dad never tried to offer any of those options as he said there was no point when I asked why not.

    Obviously if you try those and they dont work (or if you offer them and he refuses) then you need to put your happiness and health first, and that of your children. It's never too late to start being happy :)

    (Also you can come out the other side of this if he is willing to address his problems and work with you to save your relationship. My fiancee and I split for 4 months around 4 years ago due to issues on his side based on his constant going out, drinking, talking down to me, his inability to realise he was now a father to a newborn and a small dose of infidelity on his part. However, once we split and he realised that actually the grass is not greener on the other side and he agreed to put the effort in, talk to someone about the problems etc we were able to come back together and start again. Happy to say it worked for us, the lessons that were learnt still help us to this day and obviously we are now marrying next year. It takes time and work, but if you both want it, you can do it :))

  • Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and advice. I am swaying more towards separation because I can't keep exposing my kids to this when he is drunk and "off on one". We shouldn't have got married in the first place. He had another episode a few weeks before we married were he hinted at not wanting to get married but didn't say it. I'm so mad that he was so spineless for 18 months of the planning where I gave him every opportunity to change his mind, but then there were times he appeared he was looking forward to it? He is on nights at the minute so won't get an opportunity to really talk to him but it's giving me lots of thinking time about what to do for the best. 

     

    Thank you all so much 

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    First and foremost, are you and your children safe living with this man? If the answer is no, you need to alter the situation so that you are and quickly.

    If none of you are in danger and you want to try to salvage this relationship, counselling and mediation are good options. The other ladies are right, it will only be successful if you both recognise the problems and want to work at it.

    If your husband is repeatedly abusive, only you can decide the risk/benefit to your children of leaving v keeping him around. Is he a good dad? Is he a good partner?

    It's a tough situation and I'm sorry if my response seems bleak but I think you need to try to determine whether you and the children are in danger (physically and emotionally) first. Only then can you make a decision about whether you want to stay in this relationship. There are a lot of factors to consider but your safety and that of your children is paramount. X

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    As another whose parents split when they were young, I was also 12 and my mum walked out On my dad (not on us though, it was just to grandparents and then we chose where to live) 

    i was glad that my mum was happier and that they hadn't stayed together for our sake. Marriage is about loving that person and wanting to be with that person for the rest of your life, not because you think it's the right thing to do for your family. 

    I think that your wedding has probably escalated difficulties that were there before but u chose not to see. My first marriage was like this and it took another person coming along and treating me nicely to realise that life doesn't have to be a drama and that I could be happy far more often.

    only u know what the right yhing for your situation is xx

  • HereitgoesHereitgoes Posts: 206 New bride

    I'm so sorry you're going through this Annemarie2. Whatever decision you make, I'm sure it will be one that is for the best. My parents divorced after 16 years and I saw abuse in many forms and in the end I knew that it was right for them not to be together. I've seen women who have stayed and who have in the end literally lost their minds by staying in something, which in the end destroyed their lives. I would definitely encourage you to get counselling, both separately and together if you choose to stay. Maybe there's more to it and you both just need to get things out in the open and start again. Regardless, please keep safe and look after yourself.

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