Stressed and feeling very alone

Hi everyone, 

I am getting very close to my wedding in France in September. There is so much left to do, added by the fact that we have to have a legal wedding next week in London. Despite the lists of things I need to do that keep running through my head, I don't mind it, I quite enjoy the idea of putting together a wedding my family and friends will enjoy. 

What's really stressing me out is the lack of support I am getting from our families. Financially I am very lucky that my family helped us, but it pretty much stops at that. They all seem pretty resentful that they need to put in the effort of attending the legal ceremony and our wedding in France. What's hurtful is that I haven't asked them to do any planning, help me with any logistics and his family haven't paid for anything (not that that's a problem at all, we are lucky to be able to afford 50% of it ourselves and my parents paid for the rest).

We just thought they would want to celebrate the whole thing with us, but now it seems like we have asked too much (they are attending the london wedding for the legal ceremony and a lunch afterwards, and a weekend wedding in France). 

In addition, my maid of honor is my sister and I get the feeling she thinks it's far from an honor. Again, I really haven't asked her to do much apart from turn up to 3 appointments that lasted an hour each (dress tailoring, make up trial and hair trial). She is always making comments that she thinks the wedding is too much of an 'event' because she prefers very small weddings, she doesn't like my engagement ring etc etc. For long periods of time I can't even get her to answer my whatsapp messages (sometimes weeks go by when she won't even answer if she's available to talk). But I do have to say she organized my hen party, which i really appreciate. 

My mum, because her and my father paid for 50%, feels like she is entitled to call the shots on a lot of things. She has invited 50 of their friends who are coming (total wedding number is 130). Even then it was an absolute nightmare getting her to give me their addresses and to get them to RSVP or give me meal preferences. I have asked her again and again if she would like anything in particular for the wedding, and she has left everything to the month before but is now demanding we have certain music, that her friends are found accommodation (because she forgot to tell me 4 of them haven't found anything yet) etc. etc. She also keeps saying things like- please make sure everyone behaves themselves, which is crazy because all of my friends are extremely respectful and have  never given her any basis to think otherwise. I am just a bit confused about what it is that she wants. 

I don't want to sound ungrateful, it's just sometimes I feel incredibly alone. My fiance is really busy with work so he doesn't really help. He has sorted out his suit and that's about it. I am left to deal with everything, including his family's complaints and demands (like booking them hotels in london, booking them flights etc etc). They are all sweetness and light to him so his mind, everything is fine!

Anyway- rant over! 

 

 

 

 

Posts

  • MrsStobe4MrsStobe4 Posts: 282

    I think I remember a post from yours a while ago about your dad maybe not being able to come to France.

    To be honest, I do think it's a lot to ask of people to do London AND France. I wouldn't like it and at the same time wouldn't feel like I could say no. I would see the most important bit as the legal bit and would think that th France trip was just an excuse to extend celebrations and have a party which you could do over here.

    I'd your parents have put 50% in then unfortunately it comes with the territory that they call some shots. No one has contributed to ours so we feel justified when not buckling to requests.

    You have to appreciate that it's your wedding and celebration and not everyone will care, not everyone will be as interested as you as they don't have to be.

    Your H2B sounds just like 95% of H2Bs on this forum, That's unfortunately just how they are.

    I think maybe you're worrying too much. Just do what you need to do, accept that people might not be overjoyed at the expense and effort of having to attend two weddings but be grateful that they are doing it anyway.

    Enjoy the homerun and relax!

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    How lovely to have a wedding in France!

    I'm not an expert, and I'm planning a low budget wedding near my home, so probably can't give you any help, but didn't want to read and run, especially when the 'themes' you mention seem very common on this forum.

    You sound very organised, and maybe that's why the bridesmaids and family members don't seem to be keen to help you - also I must admit I'm not sure what help I could give to organising a wedding abroad where, I would assume, the happy couple have got it all 'sorted'!  Normally I would offer help with church cleaning, getting breakfast in on the wedding morning, making a chili for the night before etc  - but none of that applies if the wedding is in another country!

    Time and time again I read on this forum that bridesmaids or sisters or friends don't seem interested.  Although, sadly, that is sometimes the case, more often it's just that people are busy with their own lives.  Weddings can be all-consuming to the bride - because there is just so much to do, isn't there?! - but most people don't realise that.  I think that booking accommodation, thinking about fittings, making appointments, sending off cheques is all very mundane administration, even though it is wrapped up as wedding preparations!  It can be lonely, I agree, especially when fiances are busy and probably quite happy to pass over those run of the mill things to the girls!

    Do your guests HAVE  to attend the legal ceremony and the celebrations in France?  If not, why are they resentful - have they had enough notice to save up the money for the flights/ money for an extra outfit needed/ book time off work?  

    You say it 'seems' they are resentful - have they said so? You say it 'seems' you've asked too much - have they told you that?  Although you 'get the feeling' your sister isn't too thrilled about it all, she has organised your hen do which is great!  I wonder if you're a bit like me and worry that you haven't got everyone's approval and enthusiasm and then get prone to self-doubt!  Easily done!

    Guests suddenly saying they haven't got accommodation is frustrating, but everso common! As is using you as a secretary to organise flights and things - some people are great at doing this themselves, but others see it as your 'job' as you planned a wedding abroad.  I guess you just have to smile sweetly or ask them to do it themselves!

    You don't sound ungrateful to me; you sound tired and fed up but you are so lucky you've had half your wedding paid for and you're going to have a wonderful wedding!  

    Wedding planning can be a lonely and thankless task, especially if you are trying to please other people, which most of us do to a greater or lesser extent.  Planning can be tiring, exhausting, frustrating and lonely - again, if you look on this forum, many, many brides say that they too are lonely, have no one to 'enthuse' with or bounce ideas off.  It could be if you spoke to your family they would be aghast at how you feel!

    As for mums making lots of demands (even when they aren't helping financially!) - well, I think that's par for the course!  If she has lots of friends attending, she'll be feeling the pressure for it all to go well too.... I'm sure she's on your side, and she's being a little tricky because of feeling stressed and excited and nervous, and maybe a little out of control as it's happening in France (and we Mums love to be in control!) As she is paying for a big chunk, I guess she feels able to make a few requests?  Last minute is a bit stressful though, I can see that.

    Husbands to be not being very excited is also a common theme on here!

    I wish I could say something to cheer you up and make you feel less lonely.  The last few weeks in the run up to a wedding are stressful and exhausting and I can see why having an enthusiastic and supportive family would be nice.

    But there's always lots of support on this forum!

     

  • MrsDee7MrsDee7 Posts: 272 New bride

    Hi,

    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. You sound don't ungrateful at all - in fact, I think you're really acknowledging the financial help your parents have given you and you realise that you have a fortunate financial situation yourselves, which is lovely. The lack of enthusiasm from your sister is a bit unfortunate. 

    I do feel you on the loneliness front, my fiancé works away for 3 weeks and comes home just for 1, and as much as he's happy to help there's only so much he can do when he's floating about in the middle of the sea with a dodgy internet connection! 

    To be honest I don't have any concrete advice to give you, but I do want you to know that this forum has been a great source of support for so many of us and we are here for you. I get married in September too, and as much as I don't want to wish the time away, I just tell myself that I'm on the home stretch now and the important thing is my marriage, not the day itself.

  • Hi Epiphany, 

     

    Thanks for the kind words! It's lovely to get some advice. Sometimes I feel so locked in my own head over this. 

    So to give a bit more context, my Fiance and I live in Dubai, but because we come from the UK, we wanted a location that was easier for our family and friends. So our proper wedding was always in France. 

    The legal wedding is really small- at first we weren't going to do anything other than just turn up with our witnesses and that was it. However, when we told the family, some of them were very keen to be involved. My fiance wanted to celebrate it a bit, so I thought why not. We have only invited his family and mine (10 people including us) and I organized pretty much everything for it, including all accommodation for both the night before and after (which I paid for). This is bearing in mind everyone lives within a 1 hour train journey of London, and we just didn't want them to have to get the train home in the evening if they didn't want to.

     

    Part of the reason was also that my Fiance's grandparents are quite elderly. He really wanted them to be a part of it as they can't make it to France (originally they thought they could but it looks unlikely now). It's really important to him because his father passed away a few years ago and he wants his grandad there atleast. One thing that really triggered me was that on my hen do, his sister had a massive go at me for 'making her grandparents come to london'. I don't want to cause trouble so I just left it and didn't respond because I don't want to straight out say that it's not my decision and that it's really he rbrother she needs to talk to. I just feel like she's hitting out at me because it's easier than actually speaking to her brother (who she idolises and doesn't want to upset). 

    They really don't have to all come (just 2 people so we have witnesses), but I suppose what I feel a bit peeved about is being made to feel like I have forced them. Maybe I am going mad but i thought this is what they wanted. 

    With people not being very interested- you're right, I think it's obviously so much more important to me and everyone does indeed have their own lives! I think with my sister it just hurts because we used to be so close, and for the past few years she's really not interested in our relationship anymore. This falls at around the same time as she got a new BF, who she now lives with. She just keeps getting more distant, has become quite introverted and judgmental (over the silliest of things, like the size of the diamond on my ring). I think the wedding just highlighted all of this and what hurts me is that I had always looked forward to us being eachother's bridesmaids and being there for eachother- she just isn't interested.   

     

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    I hope you are able to destress in some way, you're nearly there and soon you can enjoy all the work you've put in.

     

    The only tiny bit I may comment on is, do they have to attend the legal bit? Everyone I've know who married abroad just turned up for the legal bit with 2 witnesses, signed the paper and left, to them the abroad bit was their wedding and the paper signing was not important. I know a lot of abroad brides on here have done similar. I know as a guest of I'd been invited to both, I would agree as felt I couldbt say no but may wonder what's the point, either the legal bit is the weddibg or the abroad bit is.

    Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound harsh or anything 

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    Just seen your post.

    That is annoying! If they made the London bit into a thing then they really can't complain now, so I retract that lol

     

     

  • Thanks MrsDee2B! Sounds like our Fiances are in a very similar job actually :) - so I definitely know what you mean!

    Good luck with your Wedding! I really do hope you enjoy the next month, but I am totally on the same page in terms of just getting it done!

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    Weddings have a habit of highlighting, or bringing to a head, any chinks in relationships, and this seems to be what has happened with your sister; such a shame.  People do change and new relationships affect older ones.... I've seen it all my life.

    I see what you mean about the London ceremony, and extending the invitations there for your fiances sake, and so that frail family members could be included! Argh!  Sometimes you can't do anything right - and sometimes people do use weddings as a chance to 'have a pop' at people and often blame innocent parties rather than their nearest and dearest.  Sometimes our best intentions are misread, aren't they?

    Maybe you've just got to roll your eyes at it all (in your head that is, not in front of your families!) give a deep sigh, and think to yourself you have done your best for everyone in the circumstances and hopefully they will come to see that and appreciate it!

    The main thing is you are marrying your man, and you've done your best to accommodate everyone's wishes in the process.

    The thing is, a year or so down the road, you could be sitting with a drink in your hand talking about all this and opening your heart about your sadness during your wedding planning  to your sister/mum/relatives and they wouldn't have a clue what you were on about!

    You've done your best to include everyone and that's all you can do.  Now's the time to focus on the rest of your life with your fiance x

     

     

  • Aimee73Aimee73 Posts: 96

    Im maybe going to be slightly different to the tone others have. I think people are being fairly unreasonable with you. Certainly if you are paying for transport and organising travel. How much do they think you can fit in? 

    Im marrying abroad and tried organising everyones travel but it got so stressful i gave people a deadline which most missed. Anyone who gave me the details i sorted it for them, if they didnt then weve left it to them to sort. 

    If your mom has invited people then she has invited them to YOUR wedding. Whether she has very kindly offered to cover half the cost or not, it is your day and you should choose the music, your friends should act how you feel is reasonable. I personally dont buy into the whole 'parents are paying so they choose the guest list'. They are paying for your day, not theirs. 

    I hope you can find a way to relax, but it seems you are being left to deal with everyones comments and stresses and it would get to anyone. I know its too late for the flight and accomodation stress, but maybe with any further comments just say 'ive got a lot of wedding stuff to deal with. If this is something you can sort yourself (ie. accomodation, flights) then please do so. If it is a comment about how we have chosen to have the celebrations/legal ceremony, then please keep that comment to yourself because the plans are all in place and wont be changing now'. 

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    Some good points there Aimee!

  • Mimi8Mimi8 Posts: 316 New bride

    Aimee has talked good sense , you are being expected to do too much , let them book their own hotels for heavens sake !  You sound like a very appreciative daughter and very tolerant , we paid for all my daughter's wedding but did not choose anything  !  try to be strong and tell people that you are very busy and they need to do certain things for themselves . In the end it will all come together and you will have a wonderful day , good luck x

     

  • Lucy266Lucy266 Posts: 176

    Have you asked your h2b to sort out his family's requests and demands?

    I have to say with that specifically do not get sucked in to thinking it's your responsibility to be chief administrator for dealings with his family. Its not but people will act like it is especially if you respond to these requests. Just bounce them to your H2B - Perfectly reasonable given you're under stress. Dont micromanage him which can be tempting with weddings as you want perfection - just ask him to sort it.

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