Friends keep comparing our budgets!

So me and H2B have been engaged since 2015 and finally this year we were in a financial position to start planning. We had already picked out most of what we wanted long ago, so has just been a case of paying for it.

A friend h2b's, S, is also engaged since last year and in the last few weeks has also started planning his wedding to his w2b R. They had started asking us about how our planning is going, what are doing etc which we had no issue sharing, they asked about prices which again, I had no problem telling them our budget roughly and how much some things were costing (thought they were after some ideas on pricing to help them figure out their own budget). H2B has since been told that S and R have been commenting to other friends that we are spening too much, how they are finding better deals than us etc etc which annoyed h2b. So, he asked S if this was true and he said that he had been talking about it because he thought we were going OTT.

Now...if we were having a 100k wedding for 500 people I would be inclined to agree. However, our budget is roughly 12k, we are having around 95 day guests, going to 110 in the evening. We have probably spent more on caterers than what we could have spent because really good food was important to us but overall I think we are being pretty sensible when it comes to money and what we are getting for it. S & R have said they are spending around 5-6k and that that is more than enough. They are having around 50 -60 day guests going to 100 in the evening, so really we are spending roughly the same, it's just they are having around half the guests (so with a budget half as much that makes sense), I think our weddings are going to be around the same 'level', just theirs will be more intimate. But even when h2b pointed this out, S just said that doesnt matter and we shouldn't have to spend that much.

We have stopped telling them anything to do with our budget obviously, though friends say they keep trying to bring it up when we arn't out with them all. I have told h2b that if they dont stop discussing it they will be uninvited as now im paranoid they are going to make comments on the day. But beyond cutting out wedding talk with them and asking them to stop discussing it with others, I dont know what else we can do?

Sorry if that all reads like a bit of a ramble, they have just really annoyed me and think im looking for reassurance we arnt going OTT (it's made me a bit paranoid and had me relooking at suppliers for things we've already booked thinking maybe im missing something and am spending too much), rather than any actual advise as I think we've done what we can for now :(

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  • Futuremrsb95Futuremrsb95 Posts: 425

    It sounds like you ve carefully saved up to have that as your budget and more guests is of course going to cost more, so you don't deserve to be spoken to in that way. They seem quite childish so I wouldn't bother having them at your wedding. (we have a similar budget to them but we wouldn't ever say to someone they are spending too much on their day that's just rude) 

  • Do you tnknk it could be jealousy? That they don't have £12k to spend? 

    Either way, it's wrong of them to be comparing and being mean.

    i would politely mention it to them if its bothering you that much x

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,122 New bride

    Ah I feel your pain!!

    So our budget started out like your friends and ended up the same as yours, haha! 

    I've had so many comments, it's only one day, the money's better spent on something else etc etc. It's our money and our choice and if it was "just one day" then everyone would have small registry office and church do's and the wedding industry wouldn't exist!

    Next time they bring it up, smile and say that you appreciate their advice but you're happy with what you're spending. If they bring it up again, say more firmly that you're perfectly capable of managing your own budget thank you very much. If they carry on, tell them that as they're so concerned with your budget perhaps they'd like to help out by agreeing not to come!

    Ok maybe not the last bit but you get the idea! 

    People love having opinions on your wedding, just smile and let it wash over you.x

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    Christ, does no good deed go unpunished? It's your money and none of their business. I think it's really shady that they've taken information that you've shared with them in good faith, with a view to being helpful and banded it around as petty gossip. I'm unimpressed and can only imagine how you must feel.

    I hope you have an amazing wedding. Your value isn't dictated by your finances and it baffles me that anybody thinks they have the right to publicise what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' be spending on your wedding.

    They could have treated your help with grace and got on with planning their wedding. Unfortunately they've chosen not to and I hope it doesn't make you feel bad, you don't deserve to. 

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    Futuremrsb95 wrote (see post):

    It sounds like you ve carefully saved up to have that as your budget and more guests is of course going to cost more, so you don't deserve to be spoken to in that way. They seem quite childish so I wouldn't bother having them at your wedding. (we have a similar budget to them but we wouldn't ever say to someone they are spending too much on their day that's just rude) 

    If it wasn't for h2b's ridiculously large family who he is very close to then we would be around the same for guestlist, but he didn't want to cut any of them out so of course we've had to account for that in our budget. I think I feel a bit hurt that when they were asking I thought my telling them the truth it would help them by giving them a sort of starting point, something to go on when looking for their suppliers, and now it seems to have been used against us. H2b says we arn't not inviting him as this is the only time he's ever caused an issue (which is true) and he wants him there, but doesn't help my feelings I guess.

    Thank you for reading that rambling post and replying :)

  • CE26CE26 Posts: 349 New bride

    Our wedding came in at around 12k for everything and we only had 60 guests to the whole thing. We chose a really nice exclusive use venue, had some excellent food and wine, plus we had a photographer, videographer and live band. 

    We spent a bit more than some of our friends and not as much as others. It all depends what you want out of your day, where you're happy to spend your money and if you feel happy with the deal you got. It doesnt matter what others choose to do with their own weddings at all. 

    It sounds like this couple have a jealous competitive streak and perhaps they cant afford what you can so they're being critical of your day. I would just try to rise above it and ignore them. You've made your feelings about their behaviour clear so if they continue you'll just need to be the bigger people and walk away. 

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    Afterallthistime wrote (see post):

    Do you tnknk it could be jealousy? That they don't have £12k to spend? 

    Either way, it's wrong of them to be comparing and being mean.

    i would politely mention it to them if its bothering you that much x

    It did cross my mind. I have said to h2b that he needs to speak to them again if it keeps happening x

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    Rach371 wrote (see post):

    Ah I feel your pain!!

    So our budget started out like your friends and ended up the same as yours, haha! 

    I've had so many comments, it's only one day, the money's better spent on something else etc etc. It's our money and our choice and if it was "just one day" then everyone would have small registry office and church do's and the wedding industry wouldn't exist!

    Next time they bring it up, smile and say that you appreciate their advice but you're happy with what you're spending. If they bring it up again, say more firmly that you're perfectly capable of managing your own budget thank you very much. If they carry on, tell them that as they're so concerned with your budget perhaps they'd like to help out by agreeing not to come!

    Ok maybe not the last bit but you get the idea! 

    People love having opinions on your wedding, just smile and let it wash over you.x

    Haha I like the last bit ;) thank you!

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    Spacepuffin wrote (see post):

    Christ, does no good deed go unpunished? It's your money and none of their business. I think it's really shady that they've taken information that you've shared with them in good faith, with a view to being helpful and banded it around as petty gossip. I'm unimpressed and can only imagine how you must feel.

    I hope you have an amazing wedding. Your value isn't dictated by your finances and it baffles me that anybody thinks they have the right to publicise what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' be spending on your wedding.

    They could have treated your help with grace and got on with planning their wedding. Unfortunately they've chosen not to and I hope it doesn't make you feel bad, you don't deserve to. 

    I think that is what's bothered me more. Not their private views on it necessarily, but the fact they are discussing it with others. Thank you for your reply x

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    CE26 wrote (see post):

    Our wedding came in at around 12k for everything and we only had 60 guests to the whole thing. We chose a really nice exclusive use venue, had some excellent food and wine, plus we had a photographer, videographer and live band. 

    We spent a bit more than some of our friends and not as much as others. It all depends what you want out of your day, where you're happy to spend your money and if you feel happy with the deal you got. It doesnt matter what others choose to do with their own weddings at all. 

    It sounds like this couple have a jealous competitive streak and perhaps they cant afford what you can so they're being critical of your day. I would just try to rise above it and ignore them. You've made your feelings about their behaviour clear so if they continue you'll just need to be the bigger people and walk away. 

    Your day sounds lovely :) I was aiming for around the same amount of people as you, but h2b has a big family who he's very close to, so I had to let go of my intimate wedding idea haha

    Thank you for your advice x

  • Futuremrsb95Futuremrsb95 Posts: 425
    Sadieee wrote (see post):
    Futuremrsb95 wrote (see post):

    It sounds like you ve carefully saved up to have that as your budget and more guests is of course going to cost more, so you don't deserve to be spoken to in that way. They seem quite childish so I wouldn't bother having them at your wedding. (we have a similar budget to them but we wouldn't ever say to someone they are spending too much on their day that's just rude) 

    If it wasn't for h2b's ridiculously large family who he is very close to then we would be around the same for guestlist, but he didn't want to cut any of them out so of course we've had to account for that in our budget. I think I feel a bit hurt that when they were asking I thought my telling them the truth it would help them by giving them a sort of starting point, something to go on when looking for their suppliers, and now it seems to have been used against us. H2b says we arn't not inviting him as this is the only time he's ever caused an issue (which is true) and he wants him there, but doesn't help my feelings I guess.

    Thank you for reading that rambling post and replying :)

    Its a real shame that you wanted to help them and you got treated like that in return. If there's no chance of your h2b reconsidered I certainly wouldn't bother with them after the wedding.

  • LucykinsLucykins Posts: 701

    We've got a similar budget to yours because like you, we've got a large guest list. We've cut back in lots of areas, but when you have that many guests, it adds up, especially if you want everything to be good quality.

    It's really no one else's business, and for them to keep bringing it up just suggests they're a bit insecure about their own big day.

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    Futuremrsb95 wrote (see post):
    Sadieee wrote (see post):
    Futuremrsb95 wrote (see post):

    It sounds like you ve carefully saved up to have that as your budget and more guests is of course going to cost more, so you don't deserve to be spoken to in that way. They seem quite childish so I wouldn't bother having them at your wedding. (we have a similar budget to them but we wouldn't ever say to someone they are spending too much on their day that's just rude) 

    If it wasn't for h2b's ridiculously large family who he is very close to then we would be around the same for guestlist, but he didn't want to cut any of them out so of course we've had to account for that in our budget. I think I feel a bit hurt that when they were asking I thought my telling them the truth it would help them by giving them a sort of starting point, something to go on when looking for their suppliers, and now it seems to have been used against us. H2b says we arn't not inviting him as this is the only time he's ever caused an issue (which is true) and he wants him there, but doesn't help my feelings I guess.

    Thank you for reading that rambling post and replying :)

    Its a real shame that you wanted to help them and you got treated like that in return. If there's no chance of your h2b reconsidered I certainly wouldn't bother with them after the wedding.

    I've already decided I will probably leave h2b to socialise with them after this, if he wants to. They were his friends anyway so I dont feel to bad about backing away from them

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    Lucykins wrote (see post):

    We've got a similar budget to yours because like you, we've got a large guest list. We've cut back in lots of areas, but when you have that many guests, it adds up, especially if you want everything to be good quality.

    It's really no one else's business, and for them to keep bringing it up just suggests they're a bit insecure about their own big day.

    I did wonder if insecurities were coming into it, which personally I think is silly as from what they had told us, their wedding sounds lovely (very different to ours but very lovely). But maybe they cant see that?

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Our budget is 6k, not including outfits, it actually comes to 10k once those are added on 😱 Personally we do think that some budgets are 'too much' but that our personal opinion and its not our place to discuss other peoples budgets with anyone else, or criticise, and certainly not to tell people what they should and shouldnt be spending, how rude! I trust that adults can make their own financial decisions and leave them to it!

    It could be jealousy, maybe they would spend more but arent in a position to, maybe theyre trying to convince themselves that theyre happy with theyre budget.

    It could also be some sort of competitiveness. We have a couple attending who are very vocal about how much they spend on anything. To the point were theyll ask how much your top was and then say "oh, i paid twice that for mine" in a braggy way, like anyone cares. Im dreading them coming tbh, I know theyll just be looking at everythinh and judging it and comparing to their own hypothetical wedding which theyre not having yet because they dont want to "do it on the cheap". Maybe your friends are the opposite of this?

    Either way its really rude and disrespectful of them to be discussing your finances with anyone at all, I would definitely have a word.

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    Just wanted to say thank you to you all for taking the time to read and reply and thank you for helping me believe that I am not being silly. The more I think about it the more I realise it is probably the fact they have discussed it with others, as opposed to their actual views, that has bothered me, so im happy to see others agree that this is out of order. Once again this site provides the support and advise I needed. As I said, we have spoke to S about it but I will speak to him again if it continues.

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    Weddings do bring out the worst in people! I don't know how many times over the next year I'm going to have to say it's OUR wedding and we'll do what we want! 

    People have said we don't need to bother with an open bar - we know but we want one, and the hotel could be cheaper (getting married abroad) again we know but we don't want a cheaper one but happy for guests to do whatever the like!! 

    Weve also had people commenting on guest lists And our engagement photos. How about F off?!

    it sounds like envy to me, or one-upmanship. Oh I got the same thing but way cheaper than that. Well done me!! Some people make themselves feel better by putting others down.

    rise above it with a smile! I'm sure it's not actually personal, although it feels it xx

  • Bunny87Bunny87 Posts: 180

    How horrible for you to be on the receiving end of this! At the end of the day you and your H2B have worked hard to save for your wedding and if you want to spend 12k then that's your choice and its absolutely nothing to do with them. Equally if they want to spend 6k then that's their choice.

    We've had a couple of similar comments regarding costs of things but I'm getting to the point where I'm past caring what other people think (still 16 months to go!). We have a budget that we've worked out together and are paying for it all ourselves and are going to have what we want.

    Different people have different priorities for the day and I think as long as you and H2B are happy and have the day that you envisage it will be wonderful!

    Maybe really wind them up and tell them you've won some money and are going to blow 50k on your day?!

  • MrsStobe4MrsStobe4 Posts: 282

    I have spoken about a friends wedding budget before which was paid for by their parents (not that that is really relevant). But I used to say that I couldn't believe they were spending so much money on one day. It really gobsmacked me, this was before we started planning ours obviously!

    Needless to say we're spending more on ours than they did and our budget has more than doubled. We are paying for everything ourselves so I don't feel guilty. I think that maybe that's where my opinion came from about my friends, that they spent so much (around £20k) on a wedding that their parents were paying for and I wouldn't dream of allowing my parents to spend that kind of money on my wedding day. But again, if we can do it for our daughter, we absolutely will. So maybe it was just ignorance of how much weddings can cost, on average.

    I suppose they don't really have the reason of them not knowing how much things cost with them organising their own wedding though. Maybe they are just genuinely shocked at how much your spending. Not that it has anything to do with them just as it had nothing to do with me how much my friends wedding cost!

  • I honestly think that talking to your mutual friends is appalling behaviour -- sometimes people's manners shock me.  I'm assuming these are meant to be good friends if you felt comfortable enough to discuss it with them in the first place.

    I suspect, like someone else said, that it is a reflection of insecurity and jealousy on their part.  I would just let them get on with it; clearly your mutual friends feel uncomfortable about the conversation otherwise they wouldn't tell you, so it just makes them look bad, not you.  All you can do is avoid discussing anything further (as you said you've done), but don't let it make you doubt your choices as you've obviously thought long and hard about what you want and done the sensible thing of waiting until you have saved enough.

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    Apologies, this is really petty, but I hope they go over budget!!! 🙈🙊

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    Helen225 wrote (see post):

    Apologies, this is really petty, but I hope they go over budget!!! 🙈🙊

    😂😂😂

  • micheal2micheal2 Posts: 7

    revoke their invite and tell them why, and at the same time drop the bomb that you wont be attending their wedding as you wouldnt want to lower your standards! bitchy and unrealistic i know, but fun to imagine!!!

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664
    Sadieee wrote (see post):
    Helen225 wrote (see post):

    Apologies, this is really petty, but I hope they go over budget!!! 🙈🙊

    😂😂😂

     

    To the tune of £6001. We're so bad. 😜

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    micheal2 wrote (see post):

    revoke their invite and tell them why, and at the same time drop the bomb that you wont be attending their wedding as you wouldnt want to lower your standards! bitchy and unrealistic i know, but fun to imagine!!!

    It's fun to dream about what you could do/say if only there were no consequences haha

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride

    Our budget it roughly the same as yours, I personally think it's a really realistic budget for the number of guests. 

    It's definitely got to be an insecurity/jealousy thing on their behalf, but even so there's no nead for them to voice their opinions to mutual friends and put them in the middle. 

    The best thing you can do is rise above it and try to ignore them, you're definitely right to stop discussing weddings with them though.

    Also if they do make comments on the day, you can always return the favour at theirs and state how cheap it all looks in comparison, give them a taste of their own medicine so to speak. 

    I really hope this doesn't ruin the planning and build up for you!!

  • Kelly224Kelly224 Posts: 962 New bride

    I think that is so rude of your friends!!  How dare they discuss your spending with other people.  What on earth has it got to do with them anyway?

    I had something a bit similar with a friend of mine that really annoyed me.  I told her where our venue was and she said wow that's expensive, how on earth can you afford that? I hope your not putting yourself in debt for it!!  So I explained we had booked nearly 2 years in advance to enable us to pay monthly for the venue and that my parents were very kindly paying half and nothing was going to be paid for on credit cards etc.

    but now everytime I see her she mentions how expensive my venue is and how her daughters had lovely weddings in much cheaper venues etc. etc.

    It really annoys me! we've waited 16 years to get married so why shouldn't we do it how we want especially as there will be no credit cards and no debt involved!!

    Grrr, some people!!!

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    Ugh things like this really annoy me. It is nobody else's business quite frankly and whilst we might all have personal conversations with our other halfs along the lines of "wow, they're spending such a lot on their wedding" that's just an observation and not something that you should share with the couple. People spend what they want and can afford and of course the size of your wedding has a big part to play in what budget you have because catering in most cases is the biggest cost.

    I really think there is a lot of inverse snobbery / hidden jealousy when it comes to weddings and money. I know people who have spent £30k plus on their weddings and have genuinely never heard them look down on people who might be spending a lot less, but I do hear/see a lot of comments from people who have a smaller budget being really judging and bitchy of people who are choosing/can afford a much more expensive day. I don't know whether it's wedding envy or just being in a different financial situation and genuinely not being able to fathom how so much can be spent on a day when they might put it to things they feel are much more worthy. It's a shame, weddings often do not bring out the best in people.

    Whatever financial position you're in, weddings are expensive! I can't imagine many people who don't have to save hard and look at budgets whether they're spending £5k or £45k! It's all relative isn't it. People really should keep their noses out. Tell them politely that they should spend what they want, don't gossip or talk about other people's finances and to go about enjoying your day and their own.

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Can I be controversial for a second and offer an alternative take on this?

    Firstly, money talk is always going to ruffle feathers especially concerning weddings. They are such a personal thing and I think there is inevitably going to be jealousy if some couples within friendships groups have more to spend on their day than others. I'm not saying that everyone wants a big and expensive wedding, but I think it's fair to say that having more money for a wedding can make it easier to have the day that you want in most cases...

    I totally get how you ended up discussing money in this situation, as we too have had engaged friends ask us how much x, y and z cost us in order to help with their budgeting. It's a shame your friends have turned sour over this as I assume this discussion was done in a supportive way rather than in a gloating fashion? It is clear that they have a bee in their bonnet if the subject keeps coming up, but to want to uninvite them over it? I'm sorry, but that's totally immature. "You can't come to my wedding because you've upset me over money talk." You sound like my divorced parents! I don't mean to be horrible, it just comes across as a bit petty. By responding to their comments, you're just adding fuel to the fire. 

    Weddings can unfortunately bring out the worst in people. Even one of our ushers (who was marrying four weeks after us) made many sly comments about our wedding on the day in front of me and my husband: "We have the same cake / Your pianist played our first dance song." Does that make him a bad friend? Well, not exactly. It's just unfortunate that he allows himself to be openly jealous and I think this is happening with your friends in this situation. I wouldn't be surprised if my friend felt anxious that our wedding will overshadow his (it was a quick turnaround as he married for visa reasons), but the bottom line is that it doesn't matter how much you spend, it's about getting married and being surrounded by those you love. Try to remember that yourself and it might be worth reminding your friends too  x

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    Sometimes being helpful comes back to bite us in the bum. I mentioned to someone the cost of invitations and how I couldn't justify the cost for the amount we needed and that was why I was making the invites myself. I was told "well if you are going to scrimp on the invites it will look cheap". Needless to say I haven't spoken to that person about my wedding since. (FYI, I love my invites).

    We don't have a huge budget but we haven't scrimped on anything. We have made savings in other areas to get what we want.

    Weddings bring out the worst in people. 

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