Wobbles - Name Change

Hi Brides, 

Looking for a bit of support and advice really,

We get married next Thursday, and I have just given my email address - which includes my surname to a client. When I got off the phone, I had a bit of a weird feeling - I wont have my name from next week.

I don't have a Dad, and my mum has her maiden name so I have no affiliation to anyone, but its been my name for 28 years! And it's been in the back of my mind for a while now, it's not that I don't want to take my new husbands name, I just find it so odd - my names my name! I don't know how to describe how I feel about it,

I mentioned to my partner, and he just said, don't take my name then - or double barrell - but I dont want to do that either

Has anyone else felt like this?

Posts

  • britbirdbritbird Posts: 1,487 New bride

    I am keeping my maiden name professionally, and then in my personal life will use my married name.  I have a more unusual surname, whereas my H2B has a very non-standout, and seeing as I have been in my industry for 15 years I don't want to lose that individuality.  Maybe consider that?

  • I am at a bit of a loss really in today's modern world why anyone would take their husband's name! We are double barrelling ours. 

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,120 New bride
    redhair82 wrote (see post):

    I am at a bit of a loss really in today's modern world why anyone would take their husband's name! We are double barrelling ours. 

    It's my choice to take my husband's name. My maiden name is my biological father's, someone I have no affinity to whatsoever. I'm looking forward to sharing a name with a man I love and respect. It doesn't make me old fashioned and it doesn't mean I agree with the sexism still prevalent in society. 

    OP there is nothing stopping you keeping your name and like another poster said maybe if you do want to take his name keep your maiden name for professional purposes?

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017
    redhair82 wrote (see post):

    I am at a bit of a loss really in today's modern world why anyone would take their husband's name! We are double barrelling ours. 

    Because I dont like my surname and I loathe double barrelling 🙂 The modern world is great because it means having a choice

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    OP Im looking forward to changing my surname because Ive never liked it and I dont like the association with my dad, but it still feels weird when I think of my new surname.

    We booked a holiday the other day and I had to put my married name down and it was soooo alien, but I will get used to it, because I want to.

    You dont have to change your name if you dont want to, but I think whether we want to or not its always going to take a while to become used to it, whether its a new surname, new title, or even just a double barrell.

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    I feel very similar to you (our wedding is not until 2019!) and I'm struggling to reconcile my feelings on the topic really. I go from loving the idea that my husband and I will share a name (and eventually share one with any children we have) to thinking well, why should I, I've been *me* for what will almost be 29 years when I get married and to suddenly just go by something else seems so odd to me. 

    I'm an only child and although I have a male cousin on my Dad's side, there won't be anyone else to carry on my name for my Dad. I don't even particularly love it, but it's mine! I'm also torn because my fiance's ex still uses his last name (despite them only being married for 18 months and them having children long before they got married so she was quite happy to have a different name for years). I feel like I will 'miss out' on being Mr & Mrs H though.... he has children and doesn't want to change to a name different to them and a double barrelled combination just doesn't sound right. I feel like it is a much easier decision for a lot of people so I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels so torn over it. I don't think there's a right or wrong, just whatever you're comfortable with.

    I'm currently think I'm going to continue to use both - sticking to my maiden name at work so that I keep that identity but changing it everywhere else so that for 'family' stuff like travel, medical appts etc we share the same (potentially with my maiden name as an official middle name).

  • The idea of replacing my surname with my H2Bs is so strange to me. It feels like my identity is being taken away. We have hit an interesting cross-roads where I think a double barrel would be lovely but he's not sold on the idea. I've secretly always wanted one! So I will double barrel my surname and he will keep his as is :) 

    There are plenty of options, but choose what you feel comfortable with and what truly makes you happy. That's the most important thing! And if you change your mind you can always deed poll and figure something out later.

  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    I'm having real trouble remembering my name has changed! lol I will fill in a form with my new name then just automatically sign my old name! Doesn't help that I had my maiden name for 48 years! teaching at school isn't helping either as if I don't remember neither do the children and so everyone's confused! I guess I'll get used to it but I'm seriously considering keeping my signature as it's always been, you can barely decipher what it says anyway unless you know!

  • I was really excited to change my name and be mrs...  , but I do have to admit, as a teacher, going back to school with a new name was hard. I was always so excited and had even been counting down to my new name with my class, but the day before going back after the wedding I couldn't stop crying. It was an unexplainable feeling and actually made my husband feel really sad as he couldn't help. I think it just suddenly hit me that once i got into school the new name would be real and no one would ever call me miss so-and-so. 

    I quickly got used to it though (being called it a thousand times a day helps!) and I'm so happy to match my husband as it makes us feel like a complete family.

  • Thank you everyone for replying, im glad its not just me.

    I know ill take his name, and just get used to it but think it will take time as you say. 

  • KT80KT80 Posts: 110

    Ah bless you! It is weird, I feel weird about changing my name & don't feel the new one will ever feel like me! I hated my name for years but I feel it's me now & I lost my dad 5 years ago & do feel kind of sad to change it now.

    its all totally up to you though, you could make your partner take your name!! :)

  • redhair82 wrote (see post):

    I am at a bit of a loss really in today's modern world why anyone would take their husband's name! We are double barrelling ours. 

    Because some people might actually want to?! Or they might not want a super-long surname, but would still like the same name as their husband / future children? Personally I don't like to complicate things, one name is plenty for me (plus our names double barrelled sound quite pretentious!). Whilst I think I'll keep my maiden name for work due to my profession, I'm happy to take my fiancés name for everything else - I like it better than mine anyway!

    Double-barrelling when people get married seems to be getting really common - all my friends at school with double barrelled names had them because their parents were divorced! - but how does that work in future when you have kids with double-barrelled names who also don't want to give up their name when they get married?

    Say Miss Smith-Harris meets Mr Brown-Jones and they get married. Do they decide the same as you have, and go for Mr & Mrs Smith-Harris-Brown-Jones?! Where does it stop?! Or are they both going to pick one half of each of their names, and become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones, and cause potential upset for the parent whose name they've each ditched?

    Im just playing devils advocate here, in my mind it's each to their own, but double barrelling seems to be the magic answer given to those who don't want to give up their name when I'm not sure it is...

  • redhair82 wrote (see post):

    I am at a bit of a loss really in today's modern world why anyone would take their husband's name! We are double barrelling ours. 

    How about because in this day and age - women are lucky enough to have a choice???

    When I have children, I would like us all to share the same surname. A family name. Our names don't sound or look good double barreled, and I am more than happy to change to hubby's surname. It marks starting a new chapter of my life. 

    To OP - It is strange, I am still getting used to it now. My best mate still calls me by my old maiden name, as do I her (Our surnames were nicknames) 

    It really is personal choice....

     

     

  • duckling wrote (see post):
    redhair82 wrote (see post):

    I am at a bit of a loss really in today's modern world why anyone would take their husband's name! We are double barrelling ours. 

    Because some people might actually want to?! Or they might not want a super-long surname, but would still like the same name as their husband / future children? Personally I don't like to complicate things, one name is plenty for me (plus our names double barrelled sound quite pretentious!). Whilst I think I'll keep my maiden name for work due to my profession, I'm happy to take my fiancés name for everything else - I like it better than mine anyway!

    Double-barrelling when people get married seems to be getting really common - all my friends at school with double barrelled names had them because their parents were divorced! - but how does that work in future when you have kids with double-barrelled names who also don't want to give up their name when they get married?

    Say Miss Smith-Harris meets Mr Brown-Jones and they get married. Do they decide the same as you have, and go for Mr & Mrs Smith-Harris-Brown-Jones?! Where does it stop?! Or are they both going to pick one half of each of their names, and become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones, and cause potential upset for the parent whose name they've each ditched?

    Im just playing devils advocate here, in my mind it's each to their own, but double barrelling seems to be the magic answer given to those who don't want to give up their name when I'm not sure it is...

    Fantastic points! Agree with all you have said. x

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    Very well said ladies regarding choice, that is the exact point and one that is missed by the whole "why would you even consider it?" brigade.There is no right or wrong thing to do and everyone should be entitled to make that choice without judgement from others.

    The double barreled thing through the generations is also a very good point. Might seem like a compromise but remember that your little baby Miss Brown-Jones is hopefully going to get married herself one day and have kids - does your grandchild have three surnames? Where does it end?

     

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    I find it weird as well. Our daughter has my fiance/her fathers surname, so I want to be the same, but it had crossed my mind for him to remain Mr B, our daughter to be B and me be Mrs H-B (does that make sense? haha didn't want to out our actual surnames on here lol), though im not sure the names sound right together either 

  • I think this whole thread just proves that everyone is different, we are lucky to be able to have the choice and there is no right or wrong answer! 

    It was never a doubt for me - i will be changing my name. I personally don't see it as a loss of identity at all, i just see a name - I'll still be me but with a different surname. But I've never really liked my surname as no one can spell it so I'm sick of constantly spelling it phonetically 

  • CFWCFW Posts: 234

    Such an interesting topic and I hadn't really thought about the double-barrelling through generations before but now that you mention it it might prove tricky down the line so I'll throw that idea out the window! haha.

    I was concerned as well about taking my future H2B's name as I've been working, for the past 5 years since graduating, to cement myself in the industry and wonder whether it would be like resetting my career by changing my name... but I've reasoned that because I am still relatively young (26 still counts as young.. right?!) I will have plenty more time to build a reputation as a Mrs W instead.

  • Tadpole wrote (see post):

    Very well said ladies regarding choice, that is the exact point and one that is missed by the whole "why would you even consider it?" brigade.There is no right or wrong thing to do and everyone should be entitled to make that choice without judgement from others.

    The double barreled thing through the generations is also a very good point. Might seem like a compromise but remember that your little baby Miss Brown-Jones is hopefully going to get married herself one day and have kids - does your grandchild have three surnames? Where does it end?

     

    Exactly. I have many friends who have taken their husbands names but kept theirs as a middle name, one whose husband took her name, and two who have given themselves a new surname made up of parts of each of their birth surnames! I'm all for free choice!

    I also don't think double barrelling is a great compromise - might work lovely for the couple, but it reduces the options that their children might have when they choose what to do with their surname on marriage... 

  • Laura349Laura349 Posts: 1,001 New bride

    I've had the same wobbles. 

    Part of me wants to keep my maiden name (my mums maiden name as my mum and biological dad were never married when they had me) and my maiden name is the last tie I have to my grandad who passed away when I was 11... 

    But my son's name is P (the same as my fiancé/son's dad) so part of me has considered to double barrel my name so it would be P-V. 

    My fiancé has a pretty simple / well known surname and I have quite an usual one. 

     

  • Becca87Becca87 Posts: 142

    I think it's important to be true to yourself. You don't have to take your husbands name if you don't want to, keep your name for work if you want, or change it all. Like previous posters have said, we are lucky to have the choice. I changed my name because I felt like it was us declaring ourselves as family and beginning afresh somehow, I've never liked my surname or felt connected enough to my family to warrant it. Remember that your surname is likely that of your father anyway so I think the argument of 'taking the man's name' is a bit moot anyhow, you are your own person whatever your name is. Change it to something completely new if you want, your husband could change his too, start with something new for both of you, or just for him. There are no rules except the ones we make for ourselves. 

  • Becca87 wrote (see post):

    Remember that your surname is likely that of your father anyway so I think the argument of 'taking the man's name' is a bit moot anyhow, you are your own person whatever your name is.

     

    Love this bit! So obvious, but something I never thought of!! 

  • MrsDee7MrsDee7 Posts: 272 New bride

    Like the OP, I have a bit of an attachment to my maiden name and do feel strangely sad about changing it. I also love the idea of matching with my husband and future children though, so I have changed my name.

    I'm not sure whether you've considered or even heard of this, but I am toying with the idea of taking my maiden name as an extra middle name. I will probably rarely use it, but I'll know it's there and it makes me feel less like I've shunned my family :( 

  • I always grew up assuming I'd take my future husband's name because That's What One Does. Now that it's time to actually think about it I have also found that I'm really quite sad about giving up my maiden name! We live in Germany and my future husband has a very German name, so taking his name will make things easier here... and I definitely want to have the same name as our future children. 

    He actually said that he'd consider changing his name but that my name "isn't cool enough" :'D
    I think I'm still going to do it, but it really is a really big change that a lot of the time is I think swept aside or not really thought of in all the other wedding planning etc.

  • Wibs77Wibs77 Posts: 414

    I have a really unusual last name as does h2b. His sister didn't change her name when she married and the kids have hyphenated names as her husband has a common name that double barrels well.

    We were both going to hyphenate but h2b has a son and his mum is remarried so his mum,step dad and sisters all have a different name to him so he is a huge consideration. Our hyphenated names sound better with mine first but the initials are then BS! 

    I work with a lot of Spanish people and they never take their husbands name. 

    We are still dilemmaring 

  • I'm also having mixed feelings along the lines others have mentioned: I have a strong affection for my surname, but would like the same name as husband and future children. Our names don't double barrel well at all. H2b did say he was open to changing his, but it doesn't make sense in terms of his career.

    I really like the idea of making my surname into a middle name, especially as I don't have one now, and taking his name. I think that's going to be the solution that suits us best.

    My surname is my stepdad's anyway and not the one I was born with, so I've already "taken a man's name" without losing my sense of identity, so hopefully the same will be true of the next name change.

  • Lexie2017Lexie2017 Posts: 189

    Just to note, if you add your maiden name as an extra middle name you will have to change your name by deed poll, as it isn't possible to prove your new identity from a marriage certificate with that little addition. Not a massive deal if it's the right option for you but just something to remember.

    I took my husband's name because I wanted to, he wanted me to, and it is so much easier than my maiden name to spell (except in Europe, which made us laugh on honeymoon with things like table reservations and phone bookings for things). But I've kept my maiden name for work because I am known in print by surname (25 years of experience) and because in my current job I have a colleague with a very similar name to my married name (same first name, same length of surname that starts with the same letter) which would be hugely confusing. The signature is something that will take a while to get used to though - because we don't use them that often any more.

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