Being blackmailed by bridesmaid :(

Hi there.

I'm a groom, due to get married in March 2018. My bride-to-be has chosen her two sisters to be her bridesmaids. One of whom has a daughter and is to be our flower-girl.

Problems started last week.

One of the bridesmaids has had an off-on relationship with the father of her daughter. They split up, get back together, split up, get back together at least once or twice a year for a period of a few weeks.

When they split up, she tells her family that they've split up because either they argue, he hits her, or he does drugs (weed and ecstasy) in front of their daughter. She paints such a negative picture of him to the extent that none of the family don't like him.

They recently got back together again and has been denying that he ever hit her, although admits that he still does take drugs.

On Saturday last weekend, she sent a text message to my bride-to-be, asking "Just thought I'd ask this and see what happens - I need a plus one to your wedding".

Both my fiance and I don't like her boyfriend and we told her that we had no plans to invite him.

She then became abusive, and started blackmailing my fiance, telling her that she would not come, and she would not have a flowergirl. My fiance became upset, so I stepped in and politely asked her not to blackmail her. I told her she would spoil the wedding if she didn't come along. We also pointed out that it was OUR day, not hers, and that we were at liberty to invite whoever we wanted. All this was done in a polite way.

She then started sending me abusive text messages and has now gotten her mum involved, who can't see why we shouldn't invite her boyfriend, claiming that he's changed, and that he's entitled to a second chance. I told her by text that he's on his 8th or 9th chance now and that the decision stands. For some reason, she suddenly told me not to threaten her or her mother (which I didn't do) or shout at them (which I didn't do).

A few hours later, that same day, I suggested a compromise, after discussing with my fiance. We would allow her boyfriend to come. We pointed out that we didn't want him to come but wanted to make the bridesmaid and her mum happy, and that was the ONLY reason we invited him. I said there were caveats to this - that she should apologise to both of us for blackmailing us, that her boyfriend would not be sitting on the top table, and that I didn't want him sitting anywhere near my two nephews, aged 2 and 4 due to his violence and drug taking. Her boyfriend was also not allowed to bring his other six children from his last 5 relationships.

Further abuse followed Sunday morning, and she's now posting abusive memes on Facebook, directed at me, trying to provoke a response from me. I've not been in contact with her since the Sunday morning.

I don't know what to do. My fiance still wants her at the wedding but I don't want either of them there now, I'm fed up with the abuse which is totally undeserved in my view. I feel like I'm being treated appallingly. My fiance has been in tears pretty much every day this last week, knowing that she's likely to lose a bridesmaid and flowergirl who is unwilling to compromise. It's all very Jeremy Kyle.

Sorry this is so long, I'm at my wits end and would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

Posts

  • Does your fiancée know how much this is bothering you? I agree with you that you shouldn't be tolerant of any of this behaviour. If the boyfriend is violent and aggressive, you shouldn't have to deal with it at your wedding. The bridesmaid's behaviour is also atrocious.

    I'd ditch them. You'll both worry about them all the way up to and including the day of your wedding.

    Your partner could let the BM know that, while you don't support her relationship with this man, you are there for her and will continue to be but you are not comfortable enabling her misery by turning a blind eye to his behaviour.

  • ^what she said!

     

    I'm so sorry you're going through this, and tbh I'm quite shocked your fiancee still wants her sister to be a BM after the way she's treated you!   If I was in a similar situation those people would not be welcome on the day, end of.

    Perhaps a way to approach this with her, rather than making it all about them vs. you, is to sit and talk about what's important to each of you....  and reaffirming that actually being married and making each other happy is (or at least should be) more important than 1 day and who is or isn't there...

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440

    Block on Facebook and just accept the fact that she won't be a bridesmaid!! Sounds like she will only cause upset on the day and have hissy fits!

    I am getting married in March as well.... Trust me there is still time to find someone else to step In... Someone that won't cause upset to your bride!

  • I agree with the ladies above.  I would discuss the situation through with your fiancee and say you are not prepared to tolerate this abusive behaviour because it is upsetting her and you.  I would also broach the subject of cutting the sister as BM (if not as guest altogether).  Imo it will be upsetting for your fiancee but it limits the damage that her sister can cause in the future - if she is prepared to threaten to stop her little girl being flower girl now then she is likely to do it again when she disagrees with your next decision.

    So much less stress and upset for both of you if you stop it now - your day is about the two of you and no-one needs family members throwing their weight around.  No free passes imo. 

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    I think the bridesmaid in question was sort of expecting trouble really ...

    On Saturday last weekend, she sent a text message to my bride-to-be, asking "Just thought I'd ask this and see what happens - I need a plus one to your wedding".

    She might have guessed what was going to happen!  She would have known this would cause upset and sort of throw back in your faces the support you've given her when her partner hasn't been good to her.

    You've seen this man treat her very badly - or at least she has told you that he has done so, so she can't be surprised that you aren't welcoming him with open arms - if someone had treated a family member or friend in the way he has, I wouldn't be giving him his 8th chance either.

    Badgersbetty is right - six months is a long time (she may have fallen out with him again by then) and you can easily find another bridesmaid in that time, if it is important to you to have one. And within that 6 months, as future Mrs P says, thee could be something else she doesn't agree with.  I feel sorry for her daughter who is probably excited to be a flower girl and is being used as a pawn here.

    As has been said, sit down with your fiancee, and remind one another that the wedding is about you two becoming husband and wife.  As I learned myself last weekend, the details like matching flowers, flower girls, bridesmaids, music, the weather all become totally unimportant on the day - it's marrying the love of your life that is the only important thing.

    You don't need the stress of this in the run up to your wedding day, or on the day.  Good luck.

  • I think you’re completely in the right - why would you want this person at your wedding who could potentially ruin your day! 

  • lauren318lauren318 Posts: 482

    I think this sounds awful. I had problems with 1 bridesmaid and she wasn't there on the day. I must say i felt so much better after making this decision as she caused me lots of stress x

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440

    So how's it going? Have you spoken to your fiancée and told her what you think?

  • Mr4Mr4 Posts: 3

    My fiancee and I are both of the same opinion really about the situation. I tried to express my feelings in a different forum as, after all, the bridesmaid is her sister and regardless, my fiancee is still really wanting to have her entire family there.

    A week has gone past, and there has been no further contact... until today (although thankfully this time I've not wasted my time getting involved, all conversation has been between the bridesmaid and my fiancee).

    Apparently, we are both in the wrong for not giving her boyfriend a second/eighth/ninth chance and our views have allegedly damaged their relationship! She is demanding that I apologise for:

    a. Threatening her (which I didn't do)

    b. Threatening/shouting at her mother (which I didn't do)

    c. Saying nasty things about her boyfriend (ie, not wanting him at the wedding, then compromising, but saying that I don't want him near my toddler nephews)

    d. Damaging her relationship.

    e. That my fiancee apologise to her for stressing her out.

    f. That she doesn't have to apologise for repeatedly calling me a "t**t" or for blackmailing us in the first place.

     

    Only if we apologise and meet all these conditions, will she agree to be a bridesmaid again, and will she agree to allow her daughter to be a flowergirl. She's got her own way once as we relented and allowed her boyfriend to the wedding after all, but she's still trying to pull the strings. Furthermore she has still been saying abusive things about me by text to my fiancee today (who is refusing to meet her demands).

    We still await our apology but I think we're going to have to take the opportunity away from her. We need to order the bridesmaids dress/flowergirl outfit and silk flowers next weekend, so I'm going to propose that she has until then to make up her mind. If she refuses still, and tries to change her mind nearer the wedding, I think she should pay for her own dress/flowers if she wants to come.

    We want to get the opinion of her mum, who, whenever my fiancee phones up to try and talk about it, ends up with the bridesmaid in the room so she cannot say what she really thinks. She's a 33 year old woman for crying out loud; it's not like she's a stroppy teenager anymore.

    I'm fed up with it. She needs a cold, hard dose of reality.

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    "Only if we apologise and meet all these conditions, will she agree to be a bridesmaid again, and will she agree to allow her daughter to be a flowergirl."

    Good - you win all round - you don't want her as a bridesmaid and you don't want to apologise.

    Please don't give in to her demands - if you give in on this then there'll be something else that she finds offensive and you will have to apologise - sounds like you're just in time - don't order the dress.

    She can't 'change her mind before the wedding' - it isn't her decision, it's yours. Make your decision now - she isn't going to be your bridesmaid. 

    Why give her the chance to choose whether she is your bridesmaid or not and whether you pay for the dress now or she pays later when she decides?  I thought you and your bride would decide on who is bridesmaid ...?

    Do you really think that if she 'changed her mind' and said she was going to be your bridesmaid after all (how kind of her!)  that she would meekly fork out for the dress and flowers?  Would the dress be available still?  You'd end up having to change all the dresses to suit the one she could find/like/lower herself to wear nearer the time.  Nightmare!

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440

    I wouldn't even give her time!! Why would you want her in the wedding after all of that?!

    Sorry you should just say "sorry to say this but I think it's for the best that we just forget the whole 'bridesmaid' thing"

  • I think you should contact your fiancee's mum and take her out for a cuppa to mend some fences. It may be that she has no issue with you but it'd be nice for you to spend a bit of time with her and make sure she knows that you don't want or expect her to be stuck in the middle of this. It'll also give you a really good idea of whether mum thinks you've been abusive or out of line. If she does, I'd apologise to her. This must be awful for your MIL as she must feel very torn between her daughters.

    DO NOT apologise to the bridesmaid. Her demands are insane. If she can't accept that you don't want her violent boyfriend at your wedding, that's up to her. She's the one disappointing her daughter (the flower girl), not you.

    At this stage, I'd focus my efforts on MIL and let sister get on with it. Forget about having her as a bridesmaid. She'll hold you to ransom from now until the wedding if you don't make a decision to drop her from the wedding party and stick to it.

  • Why involve MIL? The more people you suck into the drama, the more mess you'll have to sort out.

     

    You have a very clear choice imho - give in to her demands and wait for the next drama, or say NOW that she's not a bridesmaid, the daughter isn't flower girl, and get on with planning your wedding without them.

     

     

  • Unfortunately, it sounds like poor MIL is involved. However, I think it's important that MIL is made aware that the bride and groom don't want her stuck in the middle of this. The OP mentions that he and his fiancée have tried to speak to her but the sister is always around. It sounds as though the bride and groom are keen to ensure that the air is cleared with MIL which I think is important.

    The sister is out of line, the issue is with her. I think taking some time to make sure that MIL doesn't feel that they're asking her to take sides is important.

  • Mr4Mr4 Posts: 3

    Yes, you're all right, thanks for the suggestions and advice. I don't think this is going away anytime soon though.

    The problem is that my fiancee still wants both bridesmaids at the wedding and doesn't want to lose her flower-girl, who is an innocent pawn in the bridesmaids games. She's lost a lot of people in her life, including her dad and niece, who was stillborn to the same abusive bridesmaid, and she wants everyone there, so there's this emotional attachment that she wants as much of the family at the wedding as possible.

    It's a really horrible, difficult situation.

     

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