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My sister is driving me mad

I will start by saying I love my sister, she is a wonderful funny kind person but she's also unbearable at times and I need to get this off my chest and explain it to people I don't know who (hopefully) won't judge me too harshly

My sister, S, lives in Australia and is moving back in February next year. I get married in July next year. 

I offered her my spare room FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS/ TWO MONTHS TOPS so she could adjust to living in the UK again and find a job etc 

She has now told a mutual friend her plan is to stay with me (rent free) for at least 8 months before she moves to London in September. 

My issues are- she should have told me or at least asked me. Also, I don't want to start married life with her cramping my style. Also also I don't want to live with her as she's rude and selfish and difficult. 

This leads me onto the fact that she's autistic and doesn't understand the romance of the wedding and she can't relate to anything vaguely emotional. 

I can't vent to my family as they will say I'm being unfair to S as she's autistic and can't help it. She's not severely autistic and lives completely independently but it is noticeable that she has the condition. 

I'm not being unfair am I? So far I've been made to feel guilty by sticking to my two month deadline 

I don't want more stress on top of the wedding x 

Posts

  • I don't think you're in the wrong at all. Autistic or not, you made yourself pretty clear when you said she could stay for two months and it's downright rude for her to go behind your back (even worse, to someone she knows may well tell you!) and tell someone that she's going to stay for that long and for nothing. 

    Stick your foot down, it might hurt your relationship in the short term but if she lives with you for 8 months it could ruin your relationship for the long term.

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,135 New bride

    Thank you, I do worry that it's not the best start to married life having her living with us. A lot of my friends don't understand what it's like growing up with an autistic sibling and how difficult it can be. I really can't face doing it again for an extended period of time. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it all 

  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 837 New bride

    I agree with the above, her autism shouldn't even come into it. I would just make it really clear now that you're willing to have her stay for a short time (which is still really generous of you!) and set a clear deadline. Maybe let your family know too so if she does struggle due to her autism then they can help support her and even help find her next place to live. Instead of just saying "oh she can't help it" maybe they could be a bit more active in helping out.

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,135 New bride

    Thanks Mrs T. I love quite far from any family and it's tough trying to get more people involved but I definitely will flag it to them too. 

    It's frustrating having a sibling who doesn't understand when I'm upset or emotional! I think I'll have to be very matter of fact with her as that's the only way she'll understand where I'm coming from!

     

  • LisaDToBeLisaDToBe Posts: 104 New bride

    Before doing anything, please confirm with your sister that she did actually say this.

  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 837 New bride

    Yeah I know what you mean, sometimes matter of fact is the only way. It's so difficult but if your sister struggles to read emotions she won't really respond. Good luck with it all x

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,135 New bride

    Lisa I'm sure my sister said it, I have it on good authority and she text the person in question about it too. 

    I'm sure she hasn't realised the worry or upset she's caused which makes it much more difficult to handle!

  • If your sister wasn't autistic, I would absolutely agree with what the others have said.....   but

    She IS autistic, which means her world view and ability to understand situations and empathise with other people are all different.

    It is very likely that she has either totally misunderstood the timescale or not 'heard' it because it doesn't suit what she wants/needs to happen; and she may have no understanding of any possible effects on you and your fiancé.

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,135 New bride

    Ali I completely agree, I love my sister and wouldn't change her but it's so hard sometimes trying to communicate with someone on a completely different level. 

    The guilt of getting frustrated with my sister is tough sometimes!

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    How will you enforce the time limit? Once shes in if she decides shes staying, then what? Shes already decided to stay for as long as it suits her despite you giving her a clear limit.

    could she stay with your parents instead? The last thing you need is someone hanging around.

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,135 New bride

    Mrs J unfortunately my parents aren't in a position to help which is disappointing. They're divorced and my mum hasn't got the room and my dad is an alcoholic and isn't good for my sister!

    I'm going to have to be very very clear with her. I'll help her find somewhere to live of course but I will have to be blunt with her.

    It's not what I need when stressed about wedding planning!

  • Maybe say that you don't think she can stay as you worry she will stay more than 2 weeks and that you simply can't accommodate this.maybe it will make it clearer.

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