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Future Mother in law said she won't attend the wedding ! HELP

Hi everyone.

I hope someone can give me some advice as I’m feeling frustrated!  

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we have decided to move on to the next stage this year. Initially it was supposed to be the end of this year but my bf said his grandma is in critical condition so she might not last that long so his mother said we have to do it as soon as possible.

Even though I have put down orders for my wedding dress but it still takes about 6 months to make. We agreed to do the wedding in the end of May or beginning of June. 

So let me talk about his family situation. His biological dad left them when he's 6 months old and his mom & her family helped to raised him up until he's 10 years old ( They're from my country as well, they moved here about 25 years ago ). She remarried an Irish man and moved to Bangkok while sending my bf to a boarding school in UK ( he barely knew English that time, no family, no friends in the UK ) for 3 years . When he's 14, she finally came to UK and live with her husband ( my bf was still in boarding school all this time ). She divorced the second husband about 13 years ago. I heard it was bitter and they're no longer keep in touch anymore. Now she lives alone but she has a boyfriend. 

Even though my boyfriend is very responsible but he's not an emotional attached person. So apart from seeing her every 2 weeks for dinner , they don't talk often. They saved each others' full names in their contact section ( ? ) . She was not getting well with his ex before and she was quite happy that I'm from the same country so we could get along better. And we did. 

Things get strange when we started mentioned about the wedding. She reached out to me first and suggested we should meet for lunch then we can talk about the wedding etc.. I was quite happy and felt sorry for her because her son is not very close to her. After my boyfriend proposed to me ( without a ring though because I want a specific one and he ordered it but it takes a while to be done ), I shared the news to her asking about her family's preference of wedding date & time cause we only have 6 months to plan . She turned bitter and telling me all the things like ' the wedding has to be in the church ' and ' the kids have to be Catholic ' ( My bf and his whole family is Catholic, his mom is very religious but he is totally different; he only goes to the church twice per year during Christmas and Easter holiday ..) . I am a confrontational person , hence I told her straight away, my fiance didnt say anything to me regards the church wedding and our future children, they will not be forced to follow any religion before they're mature and have their own decisions .I'm Buddhist but I never asked him or our future kids to follow my belief because I think freedom of choosing religion is the most basic human's right.  

She then had a go with my fiance because of not telling her ??? I felt I was stabbed on the back because she knew everything since the beginning ? My fiance dished me before any explanation , I was angry, disappointed and so mad at him that I asked him to get out of the car while I was driving ( not even sober cause my hands were shaking and I couldn't breath - anger attack )

 

Posts

  • mochamocha Posts: 3

    After this happened , we discussed a lot and she's starting showing her true colours. Aggressive , control freak and totally selfish. I had to write her a letter explained why we need to do some traditional ceremony in our countries and as I'm willing to compromise doing the Church wedding, we would like them to understand our situation as well. We even offered to pay all the travel & accommodations ! The wedding cost is spilt between me and my bf , but my family offered to help because the reception in our country will be mostly our guests. But she's still not happy, she insisted to have the UK wedding because some of her friends ( that we don't even know ?? ) wont be able to travel ! Out of nice courtesy , and don't want to make her feel sad. We agreed to have a smaller wedding in the UK ( which will cost us at least 14-15k ! ) . Even so, she's not happy with the dates in our country wedding and said it's superstitious that we have lucky days to follow, she doesn't want to go for that long ! Ok she's just spent 2 weeks holiday in the country in December ( she told us that the trip was for her mom who is sick ) and now she's telling me she can't spare 2 and a half weeks for her son's wedding ? 

    His grand mother is ill so she won't be able to attend the wedding because we live in different city so I suggest we can do the small wedding in his city so his family & friends who wont be able to attend the other one can come. But my MIL insisted to have it here in the UK even though here family might not be able to attend because their finance is not that great.

    After all of this , I was tired and exhausted. I had a big fight with my fiance and we called off the wedding . I texted to tell her that their trip to visit my family in the near future is no longer needed because we don't intend to get married and saying that i'm sorry for the late notice ( the invitation even comes from my family because they never asked for it before - in Asian cultures the boyfriend's family will always reached out to the girl's family first ). Ok I admit I shouldn't do this. She replied and threw a tantrum on me saying like I'm not open mind enough not like her and her son. I won't be able to raise the kids with such short sighted etc..

    Long story, but I will make it short. We don't talk after that . 

    Now we are planning on a small intimate wedding without doing any religion our tradition ceremony, just a small civil ceremony and reception to follow in a beach resort. After all, this is about us not anyone else. 

    My boyfriend reached out to her but she turned him off saying that she won't give him her blessing on his wedding ( by not coming ) because she doesn't like the way I treated her ? I was completely in shocked and can't believe how petty and immature she is. She knows well that she is the only parent he has and she's doing this to punish him. I don't think that I'm wrong but if this what she wants I can apologise to her so she will come. BUT she even said she doesn't want my apology and is not going to wedding at all ! 

    Any suggestion please ? To be honest , I dont really even care if she's gonna be there or not because the wedding will only be our famliy and close friends ( around 15 peoples in total ) , but he's very upset and disappointed.. 

  • MrsGxMrsGx Posts: 329 New bride

    I'm so sorry to hear your partners grandmother is not well and also sorry to hear that you're having trouble with your MIL... I think it's really sad when family members demands can tarnish what should be a very special and exciting time for you and your partner. Unfortunately it happens a lot and I think it always boils down to people's varied expectations of the day.

    I cannot really advise on what you should do in this circumstance as for me, without knowing you or your/partners family, it's difficult to understand all the intricate ins and outs of family politics. However I can tell you what I'd do myself in this situation....

    I would stick to my guns and I would have the wedding that my partner and I wanted. It is your day afterall, not your MIL's. I would still be respectful and listen to any ideas or suggestions that she may have, but ultimately any decisions would be ours, especially as we are funding 100% of the wedding ourselves. I think if I was receiving financial help from a family member, then I'd have to be more open to some of their requests. However you've mentioned this isn't the case.
    If I was in your shoes I would probably apologise to my MIL - not because I felt I was in the wrong, but maybe just apologise more in terms of 'I'm sorry our ideas about the day don't match' but I would do this purely to try and neutralise some of the tensions and also for your partners sake. It must be very upsetting for him, and also upsetting for you knowing this is hard for him too. Once I had apologised I think the ball really is in her court... if she's still being stubborn after that then at least I know I did the best I could to try calm the situation.

    How does your partner feel about all this?
    Would it be an option to sit with MIL and try to talk to her directly?

    The MIL is obviously using the threat of not going to the wedding to manipulate the situation in her favour. It seems very childish to me, she's not getting her own way so she's spitting her dummy out. Probably in the hope that if she threatens not to come, you'll change your mind just so she's there, for your partners sake at least. In this instance I would say do not let her bully you. Don't let anyone bully you for that matter. It's yours and your partners day. You should both have the wedding that you both want, just the way you've envisaged it. Do what makes you both happy. Good luck x

  • mochamocha Posts: 3
    MissGx wrote (see post):

     

    Thanks @MissGx for your post. I just wanna make sure that even in Western's culture, abandoning her son's wedding is absolutely unacceptable ... because I have never seen such a case in our country or Asian's culture before. 

    I was planning to talk to her but I think let's leave her time to cool down. They had a big fight so they didnt even meet during Christmas. Her birthday is next month so Im thinking of buying something nice and then talk to her ( with him over there as well , I'm soo done talking behind his back and got stabbed later on ).

    I will apologise to her, not because of I'm wrong, only because ' if my words sounded harsh on you , I'm sorry that it made you upset'  and as you said ' the idea of our big day wouldn't match yours ' but I will announce to her about our plan and let her make her decision stating it clearly that your son will be very upset and disappointed.  

    Should I combine ' it's the start point of our journey together and we are welcome you to be part of it, but it's up to you '  ? Does it sound too petty and threatening ?

    My FI is very sad and tell me to leave him time to fix it but there was a time when he was too tired he said let's just do a wedding just the 2 of us. I don't mind doing that but I want to have a reception with my family & friends after . My family didn't do anything wrong that they should be withdrawn from their own daughter's wedding. If MIL wants to sulk like a child so let her be. We will prepare all the tickets for her, but to go or not to go it's up to her.

    As you said, I don't want to be bullied by her. I have a feeling that if we let her to use this to manipulate us now , she will hold the thread for the rest of our lives..

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