Heartbroken and Lost

Hello fellow bride to be's. I am in a place I never thought I'd find myself and I'm totally lost. I'd love some objective, outside insight and ideas. 

 

My fiance and I were long distance for most of our relationship. To be in the same city, he asked me to move to Los Angeles- where the only thing he has is a job that he just quit. So now, he is freelancing, and doesn't have anything thing him here. No friends, family, anything. Only the job he quit- and one I knew he was quitting when I agreed to move.

A month after I moved, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. If you are unfamiliar with this type of cancer, the prognosis is 2-6 months. My parents have been together for 36 years, and my mom will need a lot of emotional support when he passes. I asked my f if he would consider moving to tn with me to help my dad while he's still here and my mom when he isn't. I also asked if we could push our wedding up (we currently don't have a date set) so my dad could be there for it. He became furious at the thought of moving to TN bc he does NOT want to be there and said we needed to talk about things before we have a wedding. 

I would have never moved for him if I realized he had any doubts. When I asked him about it after things cooled off, he told me he was 100% sure I'm the girl for him, and that he wants to marry me. But he won't make any plans and I'm running out of time with my dad.

I suggested we take a break, so that's what we're doing right now. Any insight, ideas, thoughts would be greatly appreciated. My #1 priority right now is my family and if it's just an inconvenience for him, am I with the wrong person? Or is he just as stressed and emotional?

Posts

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    Aww Hun. I don’t have many words of wisdom for you but if your partner can’t see any of this from your point of view I can’t see it lasting. 

    The sudden pressure of having a wedding date has obviously made him think about marriage And what that actually means. Unfortunately I don’t know why he didn’t think of that when he proposed. 

    Put your family first and be where you feel is right. My dad passed from cancer a number of years ago and I am so pleased that I had that little bit of time with him before he went. You may regret it if you don’t xx

  • Stick to your guns. You'll regret not spending time with your family and I'm so sorry that the time you have with your dad is so limited.

    I think you're amazing, mature and strong to focus on making memories with your parents. Don't worry about this guy. Let the chips fall where they may with this relationship. Your priorities are exactly right. You've got time to think about your relationship, a luxury your dad doesn't have - your partner should understand this and be supportive, not demanding.

    Please look after yourself. X

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    I think he sounds incredibly selfish tbh, and afraid of commitment. He wants you to move to suit him, but he won’t move when your dad is very ill.

    its very easy to sat he wants to marry you one day, but he’s not acting on that so I would say you have your answer there, at least for now.

    go and be with your family and put him to the back of your mind for now.

    Im very sorry about your dad x

  • I'm so so sorry about your Dad, and you're absolutely right to want to be with your family at this time.

    It sounds like your partner is lacking in empathy and maturity, taking a break was definitely the right call. If he claims he wants to marry you then he should be willing to make changes for you that are so important, such as this, the fact that he is not makes me wonder how dedicated to you he actually is...

    Right now he isn't important, spend the time with your family that you need to and put him at the back of your mind. When you and your family are ready, and only then, maybe try to work things out with him. But when that time comes, you need to make him see that refusing to move for you, when you so willingly moved for him, was completely unacceptable if he wants the relationship to work.

    Stay strong lovely x

    Remember, when stressed, simply channel your inner Bridechilla: Take a sand bath, munch some veggies, then chew on a wooden stick... wait... no... that's a Chinchilla... 

    My planning thread
  • Honestly? If he's not prepared to drop everything and go home to your family with you then I think you should just leave him behind.  I'm so sorry.

  • Mimi8Mimi8 Posts: 314 New bride

    Hi hun, so sorry you find yourself in such a horrible situation but I think you just need reassurance from us as you know in your heart what to do. 

    Go home now to your dad and mum, you only have this one small chunk of time , you will never regret it , I know from experience. Leave this guy behind and don’t look back, one day you will meet someone who deserves you, love and hugs to you xx

  • What an awful situation to find yourself in. Very truly sorry for what must be a very difficult time for you all. 

    You definitely need to focus on spending time with your family and not compromise on that. They have been there for you your whole life and you are each other’s love and support network. Not that you need told that. You are clearly making wise choices here. It’s sad that you have found yourself in a situation which has made you need to make a choice between you and who you thought would be FH. 

    Who knows, he still may be the one you go on to marry but obviously this has thrown a spanner in the works. I see a few outcomes here. He may realise his selfishness, and having been caught in a sudden storm, when the dust comes to settle, realise exactly where he needs to be. 

    If not, better now than later, not that it comes as much consolation now. Enjoy the time with your family around you and keep your friends close. And of course, rant away when you need to. It’s more than justified with so much happening for you. We are all here to read and offer advice when you need it. 

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