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Doubts, not sure where we go from here

Before becoming engaged I had always mentioned to OH that I wouldn't change my name and he seemed okay with this.

 

Today we had a conversation about it and it pretty much ended with "I don't see the point in being married if you don't change your name; I'd still love you but marriage is just a bit of paper". 

 

I don't want to change my name. It is my name, the name I was born with; graduated uni with; started my career with; became a mother with (boys are myname-dadsname, 1 with ex and 1 with OH); and I am the end of my line. It means a lot to me and I don't want to give that up.

OH said he'd be happy with me double barreling but won't do the same to his. He won't even consider changing his name, "because it's tradition". I don't agree with these traditions, he doesn't own me and never will.

 

We're now at some weird stale mate with neither of us particularly happy. I don't want to get married if I know he isn't happy with it as I won't change my name; he doesn't want to get married if I don't change my name. We both love each other but it's not something I'm willing to compromise on and don't feel like I should.

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  • I feel your pain! 

    I am an only child and end of my line too, I changed my name when I married my ex, but changed it back as soon as I could. 

    Im not sure I want to be Mrs Hubbysname but he won’t become Mr Myname, I’ve considered double barelling but its so fussy! 

    Much like you I graduated as Miss Myname; I’ve built my career and reputation as Miss Myname. 

    Im still unsure; i don’t think J minds as long as any children we have take his surname which is fine by me..... I just don’t know what I want to do with mine 

  • I understand why he has become upset but "it's traditional" doesn't trump my genuine reasons. It isn't a case of not wanting to become Mrs Hubby but a case of not wanting to stop being Dream.

     

    Both children have my name and their respective father's and so even double barrelling my name would leave one child with a different name. 

  • Jenl80Jenl80 Posts: 19 New bride

    I’m with you here, 

    i say to my other half that woman used to take their husbands name as transference of ownership from their father and we no longer live in the world! Marriage isnt about names or really about tradition anymore, it’s about 2 people united in love not in the same name and a bit of paper if you like working towards the same hopes and goals,

    thats what I say anyway when he starts whinging, it’s a pride thing. 

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    My children are older now so having a different name to them isn't an issue for me now.

    I have a son from a previous relationship and when I married my daughters dad, he asked to change his name to my then husbands name (he hasn't seen his dad since he was 3, he's 16 now).  Now I am marrying again and will be taking my husbands to be's name...i've spoken to my children about name changing and they are ok with my decision to change.

    A marriage isn't just about a name change.... You need to be content and happy in your decision.  If you don't want to change it 'stick to it', explain that it doesn't change how you feel about your future husband.

    Have you thought about having his surname as a middle name?  That way you can use it... But not all the time.  My son has his biological dads name as a middle name, it's there... It's just his choice if he includes it.

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    I was thinking of doing mrs myname-hisname. Our daughter has his name but it really bothered him me not taking his name 'properly' more than I thought it would. I have given in now as it bothers him more than I wanted it But every so often it still enters my mind 

  • I have thought about the middle name but again it doesn't appeal to me as it's not my name (and I can't foresee him doing the same, which again harks back to the transference of women from one man to another).

    He seems to have settled now and has actually admitted he was a bit if an arse.

  • Same situation here! I've said I'll never get rid of my name and I'll go double barrelled if he does. I'll also always be ms!

    Stick to your guns - if he can't respect something so important to you then he doesn't deserve you! And who gives a fuck about tradition - the tradition is based on your dad essentially selling you off to some other guy. Sooo no that's not a good enough reason! You do right! 

  • I hear you. I'm not changing my name.

    In a similar vein, I'm irritated that I can't answer "I do" when the registrar asks "who gives this woman in marriage". My father doesn't own me, my new husband won't either. Grrrrrrrrr. Tradition.

  • MrsLMTMrsLMT Posts: 3,830

    I struggled with this for the first year of our engagement. While I wanted to a wife, I wanted to be his wife I found the whole giving up my maiden name really upsetting. 

    It bothered my h2b, saying it mattered to him but he would support my decision if I wanted to double barrel my name. But I've found a compromise, personally I will be Mrs Thomas but professionally I will be Ms Maiden Name. 

  • I'm the same - but thankfully future hubby is happy double barrelling too. At one stage we were both happy to keep our own surnames - if we have children, they would be double barrelled.

    It sounds like you don't want to change your name. So don't. It's YOUR decision. No one elses. Your name, your life, your decision! I know future hubby's reaction isn't good but work on the basis of a script. I love you, the fact we're getting married and have found the person we want to commit the rest of our lives to is amazing. However, it doesn't feel right for me to take your last name. Explain it properly.

    For me - it's my name. I'm attached to it. I'm not an only child but why should I change my name? The decision isn't a reflection on your feelings towards him. It isn't an insult to them. And it doesn't question your commitment to them.

    For me. That's the end of the discussion. It really isn't up to someone else to pick your name for you. It isn't up to tradition to decide. You are your own person! 

    That's basically what I've done. I've said I have no issue with his surname but equally, it isn't something he has a say in. He said that's fine - what about double-barrelling? I said sure. Because that way - we both change our names. Would I have kept my own surname if he hadn't suggested it? Yes! 

    Your future husband fell in love with you because your someone who obviously wants to do things different, it's your life and your beliefs. It's because you are YOU. 

    Please don't be a people-pleasing person. Stick to your guns. Don't start your marriage off annoyed because you said OK. 

    Remember - it's your life, you have got one chance to live the way you want! 

    As for not getting married - I'm afraid that's a decision for you both to make. Getting married isn't about sharing a surname. Please remember that. You're getting married for lots of reasons. There's a billion people on this planet. In marriage, you're promising to care about everything - the good, the bad, the terrible and the boring things. Every single day. With the same person. That's pretty awesome!

  • FutureMrsThomas wrote (see post):

    I struggled with this for the first year of our engagement. While I wanted to a wife, I wanted to be his wife I found the whole giving up my maiden name really upsetting. 

    It bothered my h2b, saying it mattered to him but he would support my decision if I wanted to double barrel my name. But I've found a compromise, personally I will be Mrs Thomas but professionally I will be Ms Maiden Name. 

    I am going to do exactly the same. I love my last name, it's fairly unique and the guys at work shortern it to a nickname which my dad often gets called too so I'm quite fond of it. Plus it always helps not to change the business cards that you can only buy in bulk batches of 500 and can't get rid of fast enough! 😂

  • I hope the two of you can decide on something, now that he's settled down a bit.

    I was in a similar situation w/ my first marriage. My surname was at the end of the line too; I too had achieved everything under my surname and was very proud it. My h2b had a right strop when I told him I didn't want to change it, and pulled the ol' "maybe we shouldn't get married." Looking back, it was so immature and I never should have given in, no matter what. We got married, I tried double-barrelling and it a total failure. No one - not the dentist, not my investment manager, no one - could ever figure out what name they had me filed under. And no one could pronounce the new name either.  I eventually dropped my name and just took his.  And then we got divorced. Talk about regret: I never should have changed it to begin with. 

     

  • We've spoken again and he is coming round. For all he discards tradition, in some areas, he is being surprisingly traditional about the wedding (family pressure I think).

    I'm happy with my name. We may double barrell, if he agrees, but otherwise I'm happy with my decision.

  • I haven't changed my name because I don't want to.  It's hard to spell, I'm not the last with my name, I don't have a career as such that I'm known by my name. My daughter has it as her middle name (should have been her surname but that's another discussion) 

    H tried the - it's tradition but didn't wash. We eloped. Have been together for years. Had our daughter at our wedding.  No-one gave me away. So nothing about our lives and wedding was traditional. 

    I suggested I take his name as a middle name, if he took mine as a middle name. He said no. So end of discussion. 

    If people want to change their names then go for it. What I don't like is women being pressured into thinking they should change their name. Especially when they don't want to.

    A couple of my friends have mentioned on passing that they hated having to change their names.  I wish I'd known at the time  I would have talked them round  😉😅

  • Hope you find a solution. It took me and OH a good 6 months to come up with ours. Like you i didn't want to change my name, didn't want to double barrel which was fine for me but upset him. In the end he will change his name to his mum's maiden name by deed poll and i will change mind to match it. I still change my name but we both do and it goes so much more with my first name ! 

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