How to handle a very honest MOH

My MOH is also my best friend. I am ‘auntie’ to her daughter. She has been amazing in helping me with wedding prep, coming to meetings with us etc but 2 nights ago she said a few things which has hurt me about the wedding. She is a very honest and brutal person.

I mentioned that I wanted to try and save a bit of money and instantly it turned to flowers and venue styling. 

While going through the florist quote she asked me if my tablecentres were necessary and couldn’t I choose the ones which were 3 times less than what we’re oaying right now. I told her no because our table theme has already been decided and I wasn’t willing to change the look of it. She then reminded me how much her flowers cost (a lot less than mine) and said that I was trying to put on a show for our guests rather than doing what me and H2B want (we are doing what we want) and that we’re trying to have a luxury wedding on a pauper budget. She reminded me that she had exclusive use of her venue which cost her over £25k and we didn’t and said that we couldn’t afford our first choice venue hence why she feels we are trying to spend beyond our means (we’re not).

She then moved onto venue styling. Said the table runners weren’t necessary because nobody will care, memorial/gift table would look cheap and various other bits.

She told me she’s only saying this for my own good and to stop me making more mistakes with the wedding and I needed to think more. She then said she needed to try on her dress to make sure it still fit her and then made me cry but telling me I shouldn’t have bought the flowergirl outfits so soon. I tried to explain I got them a few sizes bigger to take into account growth and she shot me down. 

I am now at a loss because it’s now clear that she thinks our wedding is tacky and not like the grand affair she had yet on the other hand she was supportive of my whole dress saga and me only choosing the dress because she liked it.

Posts

  • Heya Hun

    I've been following your posts and i can say your wedding doesnt sound tacky at all. You just have to remember everyones style/budget is different and everyone likes different things. I think I read you put alot of effort in to your flowers and the budget was massive for them, clearly this shows it was an important aspect for you. My flowers on the other hand I've spent less than £500 and if i could of got away with it i would of had none (My mother made me 😂), but on the other hand you may think it is totally crazy to spend £1500 on a Cinderella Carriage and 6 white horses 😂🙈🙌 Well yes thats me. 

    Just keep doing what your doing, you clearly know your maid of honor and aslong as she isnt doing it because she is jealous i would just ignore it, as hard as it maybe.

    x

  • You seem to spend an awful lot of time second guessing your decisions and choices. This is YOUR wedding. The way I see it, you have two options:

    1. Call her out. Tell her that her attitude isn't particularly supportive and that you want her by your side, but more importantly, on your side for the wedding and planning. Explain that you have differing tastes and priorities and that her frankness is causing you anxiety. This may rattle her and cause upset.

    2. Trust in the decisions that you and OH have made. Find some self belief and stop looking for this girl's approval. You're not recreating her wedding. Your wedding needs to reflect your relationship so, if you and OH are happy, go with it. Nod, smile and forget about her opinions. Stop taking it to heart and worrying, be kinder to yourself and enjoy the run up to your wedding.

    Either way, you need to put your energy into more productive pursuits than worrying about your MOH's opinions. Over the next few months, you'll have more than enough on your plate.

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440

    I would send her a message and say that you were upset by her comments, that you and your fiancé know what you are doing and have chosen things because you both like them.  Its  nothing to do with her and from what I've seen... It's definitely not tacky.

    Sounds like she is trying to control your day and make it her own - again!!

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    Unfortunately you seem to have given her a way in by discussing saving money and therefore she is giving her opinion on where you could save money and This obviously isn’t coming across in the rught way.

    im sure she’s not meaning to upset you. Try not to take it to heart and try to stay away from asking her or commenting on this kind of thing if u don’t want to discuss it with her. 

    You could tell her that shes hurt your feelings if offering advice xould She be more tactful? 

    I have a bm like this and was clear from the beginning how id Like to hear constructive comments and not anything that felt like a personal attack x

  • Stand your ground as long as you and future hubby are happy with your decisions then stick with your choices, and if guests don't remember your table runners etc, you will and that is what counts xx

  • britbirdbritbird Posts: 1,487 New bride

    Horrible when that happens- stick to your guns, and maybe try to say to her that whilst you appreciate her advice, it is coming across as bossy and a bit hurtful?

  • CFWCFW Posts: 234

    I agree with one of the ladies above that said you've given her a 'way in' to express her feelings so I wouldn't have a go at her for that as she will just retort with you asked..I'm guessing she sensed the self-doubt in you as well which has made her be more forceful with her opinions. To be honest, it sounds like she had this 'lavish' affair for her wedding and perhaps she is getting a bit competitive (is that in her character?) and perhaps a bit envious of you getting to make these decisions and even possibly have (in her eyes) as nice a wedding at a much lower cost! Stick by your guns and don't let her sway you - you want your wedding day to be 'you' and not what you think everyone else thinks is 'you'. Good luck! :)

  • I do agree with the comments about 'giving her a way in.'  She may feel like she is being helpful, albeit in a rather abrupt manner.  If she starts being too direct in the future, tell her that her remarks previously upset you.  Otherwise I would ignore it and just crack on with what you have planned.  

  • If you've mentioned to her previously that you're trying to work within a budget, she probably thinks she's being helpful and giving you a dose of "tough love" to try to keep you on track. Unfortunately, her "tough love" is coming across as hurtful, and is causing you to second guess your decisions (and we all know that mind-changing with weddings ends up costing more money!)

    I'd meet with her face-to-face and thank her for the support she's given to date - and then explain that while you're "sure" that she's just trying to be helpful, that her recent remarks about the flowers, venue, flowergirl dresses, etc., have come across as hurtful. Just remind her that her support is very valuable to you, but that you'd appreciate it if she'd temper her comments a bit. She might not even realize how harsh she's come across.

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