Wedding postponed - I don’t know what to do

I know that people will have their opinions on this, but if I’m brutally honest I just need some advice on what to do. 

ive been with my h2b for 8 years, we have a son together and have had a lot of hurdles to get over through the years - we have and have come out stronger. 

Because he has chronic pain, he struggles to sleep at home so ends up at his parents every night (they have a stairlift which helps my h2b with getting up the stairs when his pain is bad!) 

He hates having to leave at night, and I hate it too. But more recently I’ve had stupid thoughts like ‘he doesnt care’ ‘he doesn’t want to try and stay at home’ ‘will we ever be able to sleep in the same house again?’ 

To put a long story short, I really started to listen to those awful thoughts in my head - started to believe them, and ended up putting some photos of myself up online that I shouldn’t have done - photos that only my h2b should see - which my h2b has found (now, I know everyone will say to me that I shouldn’t have done that in the first place - I know this, I really do, but I just really wasn’t in a good place mentally) 

So now my h2b has said he wants to postpone the wedding, and isn’t sure what to do as far as our whole relationship goes. He’s said he doesn’t want to leave, and that deep down he still loves me. But he’s just not being himself with me at the minute, not telling me he loves me, and in all honestly I don’t really know where we stand at the moment. 

I just don’t know what to do.  

Posts

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Photos of what?

    its hard to give advice without knowing a bit more about what yoube done. If it was few inspirational quotes then fine, but if it was something else then its hard to say.

  • JdotJJdotJ Posts: 196 New bride

    I’m going to have a guess and say these photos may have involved nudity perhaps? Apologies if I’m completely wrong. Loneliness makes people do really stupid things sometimes, and even though you’re in a committed relationship, you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. It sounds to me as though that’s what you’ve been feeling for a long time and by posting pictures online, you’re seeking the attention and reassurance that you aren’t getting at home. That’s not to say it’s right, moving forward now the key here is communication (which is what should have happened in the first place, but as I said, loneliness is one of the hardest things to feel and I’ve been there before so I’m not judging, hindsight is also a wonderful thing). 

    Try and have a really honest chat with your H2b, put aside the thoughts of a Wedding right now, figure out exactly what is is YOU want from this relationship, and then explain it to him and go from there. There’s no point rushing a Wedding when there are issues that need to be sorted first.

    I hope that helps just a little bit 

    Jx 

  • Laura349Laura349 Posts: 1,001 New bride
    JdotJ wrote (see post):

    I’m going to have a guess and say these photos may have involved nudity perhaps? Apologies if I’m completely wrong. Loneliness makes people do really stupid things sometimes, and even though you’re in a committed relationship, you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. It sounds to me as though that’s what you’ve been feeling for a long time and by posting pictures online, you’re seeking the attention and reassurance that you aren’t getting at home. That’s not to say it’s right, moving forward now the key here is communication (which is what should have happened in the first place, but as I said, loneliness is one of the hardest things to feel and I’ve been there before so I’m not judging, hindsight is also a wonderful thing). 

    Try and have a really honest chat with your H2b, put aside the thoughts of a Wedding right now, figure out exactly what is is YOU want from this relationship, and then explain it to him and go from there. There’s no point rushing a Wedding when there are issues that need to be sorted first.

    I hope that helps just a little bit 

    Jx 

    Thank you J it does help a lot. But what you’ve said hits the nail on the head. I know deep down I shouldn’t have done what I did, but at the end of the day all I want is for him to sleep at home at night, instead of always going to his parents (he even said himself that it needed sorting before we got married!) but it’s just carried on as it always has, which is upsetting tbh. 

    I even said to him yesterday that i‘d clear our bedroom and redecorate it myself just so it was finished so he could stay and we could sleep next to each other like a normal couple! It disheartened me a bit when he said “but we want it doing properly don’t we?!” (I admit I can’t wallpaper at all! But I’m just wanting him to sleep next to me at a night time, to feel loved and wanted instead of feeling like he’s just leaving on a night because he can - although he hates it when he does!) 

    We’ve had endless conversations about this and it just seems like we never get things sorted! I just want to show him I’m sorry, that I want to work at things but I just don’t know how! 

  • nicki126nicki126 Posts: 248

    I have recently come back onto this board and read your planning thread a couple of weeks ago....hope you don't mind me chipping in as I was in a similar position a while ago?

    To give you an idea of my story; I've been with my fiancé for 15 years - I bullied him into getting engaged.  I did the whole 'either we get engaged or break up'.  So he got me an expensive ring and we were 'engaged'. After 5 years of being engaged I started to book the wedding but he was soooo reluctant! I was really frustrated.....long story but we ended up breaking up and I cancelled everything.  I moved out and in with a single friend.  After 2 months of crying on her sofa she encouraged me to join an on line dating site.  It was a laugh and a really good distraction.  I put some quite sexy pictures up...I wanted to be told I was sexy and desirable.  At the same time I got involved with a colleague at work, flirting and sending extremely suggestive messages including pictures.

    About 4 months after we broke up I met up with my ex to discuss finances, the cat etc. It was extremely emotional for both of us and we both realised that we didn't want to be over.  So we started relationship counselling.  A massive part of this was dealing with my friendship with my work colleague. My ex saw some of my photos on my phone and although we had been split up he was really hurt that I could do that and he said it made him realise that I wasn't who he thought I was.  It was tough to hear but we needed to talk about it and work through why I did it.

    After 6 months of counselling I ended up moving back in.  10 months after that I found out I was pregnant.  Our daughter is now two years old and we have decided to get married, but everything is different this time round.  We can't justify spending a year's school fees on one day so we are doing a small registry office wedding with a meal in a lovely hotel afterwards.  I think it'll be perfect for us.

    My point is, I know you are probably feeling crap about this.  I was.  But there must be underlying issues.  It doesn't mean you don't love your fiancé - but you are obviously feeling neglected emotionally.  It doesn't make it right does it,  I think you need to take the pressure of the wedding off for now to work through the issues.  Does your OH talk about things?  Mine is an absolute nightmare and still such hard work to talk to emotionally!

     

  • If it’s the stairlift that makes it easier for your H2B to stay at his parents rather than at home with his Son and future Wife then to put it bluntly (sorry I’m too blunt for my own good) it’s a no brainier for me postpone the wedding and get a stairlift!

    obviously some damage has been done but if the initial problem was spending so many evenings apart, it seems the obvious place to start to try to rebuild things 

     

    xxx

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Whilst your actions might not be right I think from what you’ve said they’re understandable - feeling lonely in a relationship is a very difficult emotion to manage and I think it sounds as though you’re making your needs very clear to your fiancé but he’s not doing much in turn to even try to meet them. The fact you have to repeatedly have the same conversation and get nowhere can be incredibly draining on a relationship - its the fact you want him to actually want him to stay at home and do something about it, as opposed to just saying it but going off every night. I can understand why what’s happened would be very damaging for a relationship but I think if you’re both wanting and willing to work on things you can see this as a huge warning sign to you both where you have realised that you desperately crave some attention and affection.

    I would 100% recommend couples counselling - either Relate or an independent counsellor. You can also both see one individually. It could be that your fiancé feels ashamed or guilty about his illness and the impact on your relationship and finds it easier to run away from the problem by going to his parents? When you said he made excuses even after you offered to decorate this is what screamed out to me - I think you’re wanting to do anything just to share a bed with your future husband and he seems to be retreating. Could there be an underlyif sexual issue (sorry to be personal) that you think is giving him anxiety? Perhaps reassure him you just want to cuddle and feel like he is close. You could also be speaking in totally different love languages where one person is trying their best to show the other they love and fancy them but it’s not in a way that carries significance for the other. It’s actually a book which is an interesting read if you feel like it at some point. Is there also a way of maybe rearranging the house - put a bed downstairs and turn the lounge in to your bed even if it’s once or twice a week to start with? It really is amazing what physical touch and connection, or lack thereof, can do - release of hormones etc, it’s science as much as it is emotion sometimes. Would a stair lift be an option? I think depending on the condition there are grants and charities which might be able to help.

    Anyway I think the absolute bottom line is communication here - and I really do think a therapist or counsellor could help massively in getting you back on the right track to healong and hopefully moving on from this episode. Don’t worry about a wedding for the time being - work on you and each other and hopefully everything will fall back in to place when you’re in a much happier place together. Good luck xx

  • nicki126nicki126 Posts: 248

    Ashley72 is completely right - I don't think my post was clear enough but it was 100% the counselling that 'saved' us.  We went with Relate - the first session was both of us and then we each had an individual session and then it was joint from thereon. But of course they can cater to whatever you need.  In the first session our lovely therapist said 'There's definitely something still here' and that actually really surprised us because we thought it had completely died.  It was lovely to hear and gave us a determination to give it a decent shot.

  • I think a lot of good ideas and advice have been tossed out there - the counselling being the best idea and the chairlift investment (perhaps versus a wedding) being a close second.

    I can understand why you did what you did. Feeling lonely (and perhaps undesirable) is a wicked thing.  Let's be honest, you're not in a relationship to constantly sleep alone.

    I can see why you ended up going down the wrong path as you did, and I'm not trying to blame the "victim" here, but what ends has your h2B investigated to rectify this situation? And is there perhaps more to it on his side than just fixing the mechanics of the sleeping arrangement? It would seem to me that most men would plow down a wall if that's what it took to sleep next to their partner at night! Is there a chance that your h2b is avoiding intimacy for some reason, or has some other physical or psychological problem that is making him want to sleep somewhere else? I'm not denying that his chronic pain and mobility issues are causing part of the problem, but could there be more to it? What would he do if his parents' house was hours away and not so convenient to nip over to?

    I'm sure the two of you are a great pair and can work this out. I would definitely postpone the wedding for now though in favour of working through all the issues at hand.

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    I'm also interested to know what your partner has done to rectify the sleeping situation. Could you re-jig the house layout to have a downstairs bedroom if a stairlift isn't an option?

    I think that he needs to realise that your indiscretion has brought some much deeper, longer-term issues to a head and he bears some responsibility for those.

    I agree that counselling may be the way ahead. X

  • Laura349Laura349 Posts: 1,001 New bride

    Thank you everyone for all your responses - i'll try my best to explain things better now. 

    As for the sleeping situation, I bought a fold up bed today from Argos, that I had the idea of putting up in the living room. We live in quite a small 2 bedroomed terrace house, so the rooms aren't massive, but if this bed was put up for my h2b to sleep in on a night, at least he'd be in the same house! 

    As for the intimacy issue that was questioned, we cuddle every night and are very affectionate with each other, but with myself being my h2b's full time carer anything more than that can sometimes we a bit few and far between - but we try out best to have some time between the sheets (to put it nicely!) 

    Sadly a stair lift isn't an option, as I've mentioned before with living in a terrace house, the stairs are thin and steep - the house is also rented, so I doubt that our landlord would allow us to have one put in! 

    For the person who asked about any underlying issues with my h2b, he said today that every time he tries to sleep his head races with every bad thing that's ever happened between us (up splitting up when we were teenagers, cheating, etc which as emotionally scared / traumatised him. So I was hoping that counselling may help him too, but he's had bad experiences with them in the past when hes been to them for his anxiety and depression so has VERY little faith in them) 

    I've been looking into couples counselling, to try and see if we can get to the bottom of why I don't deserve happiness (despite having this!) but the town we live in doesn't have a relate anymore! The nearest ones for us are either Doncaster, Hull, Grimsby or Lincoln - we don't have a car to travel. 

    I think that's everything that everyone said. I just hope we can sort thought it all and be okay 

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