A female on stag do

I found out from my fiancé that he has invited a girl to his stag do. It didn’t help that this came up in conversation during a meal with his family. He is going to a 3 day festival for his stag and has invited 1 girl so far who he is closest too, although he does have other female friends. 

Ive never been one to be insecure about his friends and get on with them all really well, especially the one he has invited but for some reason this has really annoyed me and I feel really upset about it all. 

Firstly, I trust him 100% and know there is nothing to worry about with this girl however, I have been to festivals before in mixed groups when I was younger and know that sometimes, you alll end up in each other’s tents depending on who wants to stay up/go to sleep. with her being the only other girl, I worry about the sleeping arrangements as trusting him aside, I wouldn’t feel it appropriate for tents to be shared and for sleeping arrangements to be mixed. I also worry that if his other girl friends want to go he now won’t be able to say no in which case, this will end up being simply a social im not invited to which makes me feel very excluded. 

This girl is most likely also going to be on my hen do and so I also feel like she will have attended more of my own wedding preparations than I will have myself.

Im 7 months pregnant and we are very excited about our upcoming arrival but I have already found it hard that I can’t have as much fun with him recently,  or have big nights out/festivals with him so maybe I am a bit jealous as she is able to have fun with him whilst I’m stuck at home doing grown up things. I can’t explain why I feel the the way I do really and obviously I would not want him to uninvite her now. I suppose I just feel like another woman will be having more fun with him than I am. So I guess that is jealousy. 

I just don’t know how to get over this feeling. Am I being completely ridiculous? 

Posts

  • yburybur Posts: 45

    Hmm its a tricky one. I don't think you're being ridiculous as it seems to me that its more a feeling of exclusion than trust issues.

    I'm having a guy to my hen do but the situation is different as he is my oldest friend and could never be described as my H2B's friend so wouldn't really be on his stag. Where as your situation seems that she is friends with both of you in which case she should surely be at yours only. Its the only time friends ever get divided into boys and girls! Could you consider a join stag and hen do or is it too late for that?

    Otherwise as you say its difficult now he's already invited her but could you speak to your fiance about the fact that it would make you feel left out if he invited any of the other girls as you aren't inviting the boys to yours?

     

    Thought I should add that I'm also a bit miffed that I don't get to go on the stag do! -sounds much more fun but knew all my girlfriends were expecting a girly hen do so felt I should let them organise something for me...

  • MrsGtoBMrsGtoB Posts: 712 New bride

    Personally I wouldn’t be happy but h2b doesn’t have close female friends. 

    Have you told him how you feel? I think it’s probably normal at 7 months pregnant for something like this to make you feel a bit insecure. I’d talk to him xx

  • I don’t think you’re being ridiculous as I would feel the same probably. I’d be really miffed if another girl got to enjoy that experience with my H2B.

    I would just have an honest chat with your H2B about how you’re feeling. Even if she ends up going on the stag you‘ll probably feel better knowing that your OH knows how you feel? Maybe don’t mention your fear of them sharing tents etc because that might make him feel you don’t trust him x

  • I do not agree with women going on stag do’s. As a woman I wouldn’t feel comfortable being the only woman on a stag do, and I just don’t think it’s very classy behaviour, I can’t understand why you would want to go. If I was in your position I’d have no worries about expressing my opinion.

  • Sorry to disagree but to be perfectly honest I don't think it's worth getting upset over. It's one event where she'll be spending time with your fiance and you won't, you're going to have him for the rest of your life! He obviously just thinks of her as one of the guys and I don't see what's wrong with her being there, it's not like it's going to be the kind of stag do where they'll be going to strip clubs so I don't see why her being there isn't classy. My fiance is going to invite a female university friend to his stag do and I couldn't care less, and I actually feel a bit defensive on her behalf if she would be judged for going. It's probably just because you're pregnant and have had to miss out on other things too, try not to let it bother you, I'm sure he has much more fun with you hence why he's marrying you.

  • My h2b was going to have a female friend on his stag do, she was meant to be his best woman too. this Made me really uncomfortable. (They did have history though and then she made a huge scene at our engagement party with his mum and it all went downhill) anyway, I don’t think you’re being ridiculous- you’re partially hormonal And personally I think it’s completely normal to be miffed that your hubby is doing something with other women when you‘re Not able to be there - a stag do is ‘meant’ to be for men (I’ll be honest I’m not even over the moon about Js stag but it’s one of them things) when women are invited, in my opinion, it’s not a stag anymore..... 

    theres my waffle and bit input lol x

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

    I've been on stag do's before.  If a girl is good mates with a guy, why shouldn't she be able to go?

    I think you need to trust him, let him pick whichever friends he wants for his stag do, and don't spoil his fun.

  • AwhelenqtAwhelenqt Posts: 856 New bride

    On the one hand I can't understand why anyone would get upset over this. I think it's archaic to have such a defined gender bias. People were shocked that I had blokes at my baby shower and I just didn't get it. If I had any guy friends I'd definitely invite them to my hen.. It just happens that I only have 2 friends and they're both women lol like there's no logic to it. And there's nothing I hate more than people who expect women to be "classy" just because they're women and somehow hanging out with a load of guys makes you lesser? 

    But then there's the other hand... When I was 7 months pregnant I cried at everything and thought everyone hated me secretly and basically everything seemed 10x bigger than it was and if anyone tried to tell me otherwise I'd have bitten their heads off. So your feelings are totally valid but hopefully in a couple months when baby's here and you're past the baby blues etc you'll feel calmer and happier about the situation so you both can enjoy yourselves!

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride

    Would you be insecure about him going to a festival with her? If not, this shouldn’t be any different to usual. The fact she is also coming to yours is something to be pleased about, in my opinion, its good she can be friends with you both. 

    I have a bridesman and he will be coming on my hen, and also going on Fs stag. I completely disageee a stag is not “meant” for women. Even if It is strippers, whisky and cigars (not that it is!) why should one of the grooms closest friends be excluded purely for being female? 

    It sounds like youre feeling excluded generally, not Specifically because of this girl. Personally I’d try not to let it upset you, you don’t want to risk saying anything you regret or suggesting to don’t trust your H2B. Why not arrange something girly that weekend with your bridal party? 

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • AwhelenqtAwhelenqt Posts: 856 New bride
    GinAndBling wrote (see post):

    Would you be insecure about him going to a festival with her? If not, this shouldn’t be any different to usual. The fact she is also coming to yours is something to be pleased about, in my opinion, its good she can be friends with you both. 

    I have a bridesman and he will be coming on my hen, and also going on Fs stag. I completely disageee a stag is not “meant” for women. Even if It is strippers, whisky and cigars (not that it is!) why should one of the grooms closest friends be excluded purely for being female? 

    It sounds like youre feeling excluded generally, not Specifically because of this girl. Personally I’d try not to let it upset you, you don’t want to risk saying anything you regret or suggesting to don’t trust your H2B. Why not arrange something girly that weekend with your bridal party? 

    Strippers, whiskey and cigars is what I HOPE my hen do is like! hahahaha

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride
    Awhelenqt wrote (see post):
    GinAndBling wrote (see post):

    Would you be insecure about him going to a festival with her? If not, this shouldn’t be any different to usual. The fact she is also coming to yours is something to be pleased about, in my opinion, its good she can be friends with you both. 

    I have a bridesman and he will be coming on my hen, and also going on Fs stag. I completely disageee a stag is not “meant” for women. Even if It is strippers, whisky and cigars (not that it is!) why should one of the grooms closest friends be excluded purely for being female? 

    It sounds like youre feeling excluded generally, not Specifically because of this girl. Personally I’d try not to let it upset you, you don’t want to risk saying anything you regret or suggesting to don’t trust your H2B. Why not arrange something girly that weekend with your bridal party? 

    Strippers, whiskey and cigars is what I HOPE my hen do is like! hahahaha

    100%! 

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • Kitty12Kitty12 Posts: 119 New bride

    My husband had a best woman rather than a best man, she arranged his stag and also came on my hen (though we admittedly didn’t do anyth big for ours, neither of us wanted a stag or hen, we ended up compromising/caving in because our friends wanted us to do at least something).

    I actually felt more comfortable knowing there was a woman going, I know she’s responsible and the men would be less likely to do something stupid if she was there!

    All that being said, this is a woman I’m totally comfortable with, I think if it was someone I didn’t know all that well, I’d probably feel a bit miffed...

  • weatherwaxeweatherwaxe Posts: 848 New bride

    Ehh I think your pregnancy hormones might be playing into this a bit as I don't see a problem with it. I think you're probably feeling a bit vulnerable and this is where this is stemming from.

    I wouldn't have an issue with a woman going on my partners stag and I really really hate that people in 2018 think that these things need gender divides and I am 100% not here for the suggestion that somehow a stag is not a place for a woman. As if women are special little flowers that need to be shielded from a few drunken dudes on a night out. It actually seems quite sexist to me. If your h2b wants her there, and you also want her at your hen, then why exactly can't she do both?

    It would be entirely different if they had history together, or she was not-so-secretly in love with him, but this doesn't sound like its the case here.

  • I don't think it's a problem in itself for women to go on a stag but having said that I probably wouldn't be happy in your situation. I feel that if she is going on your hen then there is no need for her to go on the stag too. 

    Like you said, I don't think you should uninvite her but I would speak to H2B and just tell him how you're feeling.

  • LizzieBHLizzieBH Posts: 196

    I completely agree with all those that have said this should not be a problem. I went on my best (male) friend's stag do and had a blast, most of the men were married, and I managed to not cop off with any of them. 

  • gill17gill17 Posts: 568 New bride

    Not sure that the OP was worried about her H2B copping off with her, but mainly being isolated and left out. I have to say this would make me uncomfortable. I think if it was a night out that would be different, but I see your point about possibly ending up sharing tents. I think its a bit much of her to be going on both the hen and stag tbh. 

    I think you need to have a chat with him, tell him how you feel, I'm sure he'll reassure you! 

  • AwhelenqtAwhelenqt Posts: 856 New bride

    Is it just me that got the impression this woman was more his friend than yours? If she is and you're worried about her going to too many events then don't invite her to your hen and just leave it as the stag... If she's equally both your friends then it's definitely only fair she goes to both I'm afraid otherwise it would feel like favouritism/that good old fashioned gender binary divide.

    I don't know if it's different because I'm poly but if my oh was sharing a tent with another woman I just wouldn't be at all bothered lol but he'd also be way to wasted to do anything even if he wanted to hahaha 

  • SG123SG123 Posts: 5

    Thanks for all your responses. She is both of our friends but was his first however, I have grown quite close to her too and often do things with her without H2B. In fact she speaks to me more now mainly because H2B is really bad at replying to messages. 

    I have spoken to him and he has reassured me they will not be sharing a tent however, it does leave the problem of who she will share with. All the other also have partners too and I know he has invited her without thinking about this. It’s not copping off that I think would be an issue but realistically, she will need to change her clothes etc and I just don’t think it’s appropriate. I asked H2B how he would feel about me sharing a tent with a guy and he said he wouldn’t want me too. Would not be an issue if it was just a night out but this is something for him to worry about now. 

    He is not inviting any other girls either now although again, this is awkward as he does have more girl mates. We are a mixed crowd. I have not invited any of the guys to mine otherwise, we are just having 2 nights out but excluding each other. 

  • SG123SG123 Posts: 5

    sorry, cut that off halfway through... 

    We are also getting married abroad so will be having a mini stag night and hen night there too as someone has to look after the kids for each. That divide happens naturally unfortunately unless we do mixed and asked people to choose on some basis other than sex but then I think that would just turn into a popularity contest. We have a lot of mutual friends. 

    She is not a ‘one of the lads’ girls completely although she can roll with the lads when needs be just like I do when we go on mixed friends nights out.

    Anyway it’s sorted between me and H2B and its already done I suppose so the rest will sort itself I’m sure.

    i really appreciate all you thoughts so thank you for that :-) 

  • SG123SG123 Posts: 5
    GinAndBling wrote (see post):

    Would you be insecure about him going to a festival with her? If not, this shouldn’t be any different to usual. The fact she is also coming to yours is something to be pleased about, in my opinion, its good she can be friends with you both. 

    I have a bridesman and he will be coming on my hen, and also going on Fs stag. I completely disageee a stag is not “meant” for women. Even if It is strippers, whisky and cigars (not that it is!) why should one of the grooms closest friends be excluded purely for being female? 

    It sounds like youre feeling excluded generally, not Specifically because of this girl. Personally I’d try not to let it upset you, you don’t want to risk saying anything you regret or suggesting to don’t trust your H2B. Why not arrange something girly that weekend with your bridal party? 

     

  • SG123SG123 Posts: 5

    No but then I would usually be there too in our mixed crowd :-/......

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