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Anyone not giving presents to parents at the wedding?

Need some advice guys! We are paying for our entire wedding which was a positive choice we made to avoid drama from my parents. They did offer but the use money as a way of getting some control: They have gone from two extremes: being all over us with comments and opinions to basically never mentioning our wedding or asking about it because they are not ‘involved’. They basically think that being involved and getting a say are the same thing! 

The only thing we really took on board from the list of demands is that we have booked a venue with accommodation on site which we planned to do anyway as our venue isn’t near where our families live or where we live. So they have two nights accommodation in a lovely house in the grounds of our venue with everyone else. This was included in our package so we are covering the cost which I think is more then generous. 

I am now sorting out flowers and was asked if we are doing flowers for the mums. I know this is the ‘done thing’ but neither sets of parents are contributing and honestly the way my parents are behaving they clearly thing they are owed vip treatment all weekend (Mum demanding she should be included in hair and make up and not offering to pay!). I’m  always not keen on flowers being handed out during speeches anyway but I feel like they shouldn’t get presents? I know if I don’t I’ll start world war three! 

 

Help!

Posts

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

    We're in a similar situation to u, paying for nearly everything ourselves and FIL planning to contribute a couple of hundred quid for welcome drinks & nibbles.  Mum and MIL aren't being difficult tho!  We're just doing cheap token gifts because we think it would look weird and might seem rude not to give anything at all, stuff like cufflinks/bracelets for Best Man, usher and BMs, and photo frames for parents.

  • MrsThimboMrsThimbo Posts: 222

    It's your day so you do whatever feels right!

    In my opinion (and that's all it is) what would you be thanking them for? Without sounding ungrateful and just from reading the brief post, if this has been their attitude then you haven't really got a reason to 'thank' them? Maybe a thank you for 'welcoming me in to your family' mention in the speech? Or a small token gesture of a card on the morning? I think if you are paying for hair & make up & the overnight stay then that is more than enough and so lovely of you.

    Perhaps a bottle of wine and card in their rooms on check in if you don't want to make a big deal and be OTT. Whatever you feel comfortable with is what you should go with... 

    Hope that reads ok and doesn't sound like I'm just slating your parents!! x

  • MrsL-GMrsL-G Posts: 86 New bride

    We only gave gifts to those who helped out and none were given out in front of everyone. Asides from the best man and ushers, everyone else got their gifts before our wedding day. 

  • MrsT2B, you’ve hit the nail on the head! What are we thanking them for? I sometimes feel like we’re catering to them rather than the other way around! Everytime they feel like discussing the wedding with us it’s all about how our choices will affect them, it’s exhausting! My other half suggested we should thank them for bringing us up instead of for the wedding, as he agrees it would be weird to thank them for the wedding they had nothing to do with. My other thought was a donation to charities they support in their names but I can see that also going down like a lead balloon! 

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride

    I'm going to be a little controversial here I think. 

    While I completely understand where you are coming from, I think the thank you gifts for parents are more as a thank you for their work in raising you and helping you become the person you are. My mum ended up paying for my wedding dress and my dad paid for our photographer, but my in laws didn't contribute at all. With all this in mind we still bought presents for each of them as a thank you for helping us become the people we are and supporting us in our decision to marry etc. 

    We didn't buy massive gifts or big bouquets of flowers, but we got them all personalised glasses and a bottle of drink each to go with it. I think if you don't offer a token gift it is likely to cause a rift and risk tarring the memory of what should be the happiest day of your life. 

     

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    We are doing gifts but only for those who have helped with the wedding through money and general help (My dad, my mum, my grandparents). These are being given privately in their rooms to avoid any questions over why others havent had any. The BM and groomsmen gifts are also being given the morning of the wedding so they dont have to be taken to the wedding and handed out then.

  • We came to the same conclusion as MrsJames. 

    Our parents are not overly involved in wedding arrangements but have certainly not been difficult.  I felt the flower arrangements for each of our mothers was a gesture of respect and thanks for raising us rather than thank you for the wedding itself.  

    I think you should do what feels right for your family.  If a bunch of flowers will avoid future comments from your mum then imo it's worth it just to avoid the agro but if there won't be any repercussion then don't bother. 

  • MrsGtoBMrsGtoB Posts: 712 New bride

    Only FFIL has offered us any financial help but we will still give gifts to all the morning of the wedding.  Like others have said it's a nice opportunity to say thank you for all they have done raising us.

    Men will all get cufflinks, ladies earrings.  My mum will also get a nice proescco glass and PJS and we are paying for her hair and makeup and one nights stay at a hotel because she does so much for us with the kids.  Personally I think flowers are a waste of money and i'd rather them have something to remember x

     

     

  • I would like to go get my mum something not so much the others as it has just seemed a faff and more of a drama with them , then them helping me etc bridesmaids and maid of honour  

     

    my mum has helped me allot and Does alot for our children But not sure what to get her? Any ideas anyone not really feeling flowers. 

  • Definitely something as a token respect of all they have done for you over your life, ie raising you.

  • We're not doing gifts for parents, although I will be getting my mum something as she's walking me down the aisle. the gifts to my bridesmaids and flower girls will be given before the wedding, as we're getting ready as I will be buying them jewellery.

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