Really don’t like my fiancé’s best man....what can I do?

Hi ladies, my fiancé is having two best men. One I really like. He has always been lovely to me and I really enjoy his company. He is genuinely a really nice person however, the other I have never really gelled with despite me trying to make so much of an effort with him. For some reason he has never made much of an effort when I have seen him in person and most recently I have been trying to get his measurements for his hire suit but to no avail! He reads my messages and doesnt Reply. When I chase him for them (giving him plenty of time in between to reply by the way) he is very abrupt and blunt back. Today was the last straw and I had to tell him that I’m finding it really difficult to communicate with him and I don’t know why. Again, all I got was a short reply and he didn’t deny things being awkward! 

So the problem I have now is that if someone makes me feel bad, why would I want them at my wedding. My fiancé hasn’t taken this on board and is trying to make it all about him saying it’s awkward for him and he is in the middle and how does he think I feel. I get that and he has a right to say he wants his best man at the wedding but I also feel, as my future husband he should be saying to his mate ‘look what’s the issue, you’re making my fiancé unhappy and I don’t want that, so much so she has now said she doesn’t want you at the wedding. Why are you making her feel this way’ BUT she doesn’t. I’m so frustrated that he can’t see what he is doing to me and short of saying his best man is not welcome at my wedding I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to not look forward to my day because his friend will be there when it should be the happiest day of my life. 

Has anyone else had anything similar or perhaps think they could give me some advice please?

thanks x

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  • Leave the suits to your other half to sort with his friend and his issues. Unfortunately you can't get in between friends as would you drop your best mate for him??? Just walk away from the situation and minimise your contact xxx

  • My fiancé is the worst for organising things and if I left it to him it won’t get done! Also easier said than done as I will still have to face him at my wedding. If it was a choice between my best friend and my husbands wedding day, for him, for him to enjoy his day, I would explain it to her and put him first on this occasion.

    However, a. She would never be like the way his friend has been to me in the first place and b. I would speak to her and explain that what she is doing is upsetting him and I can’t have that. I would ask her to apologise and regardless of what she thought of him, if she cared for me she would apologise.

    x

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    You husband to be should really be sorting out the suits and his groomsmen.... Leave it to him.

    If he doesn't turn up, then it's his problem... He won't have a suit.

    You might be aggrevating things if you keep messaging knowing there are problems.

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    I also say tell your h2b to sort the suits and leave it to them. My h2b is also bad at getting anything done but gets on with once he realises I won't. I would avoid causing conflict between him and his best friend, that will lead to more problems and resentment. As for facing at the wedding, there will be enough people there you will hardly notice him.

    One of my h2bs friends hates me and I hate him, he's still at our wedding as it's important to h2b that he be there. 

  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 484 New bride

    I had a person at my, very small, wedding whom I didn't like, but it was important to hubby that he was there. I just sucked it up and got on with it, him and his wife only spoke to me to say hello and bye, so had minimal impact in the end. I agree that you need to let him sort the suits, and I wouldn't put him in the middle of things by effectively making him choose between you and his friend. You cant judge his behaviour based on what you or your friend would do I'm afraid. If the friend has done something specific to hurt you then yes tell your H2B, but how he deals with it is to to him

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    Agreeing with all previous posts. Keep out of it. Tell you h2b to sort out the suits (and trust him to do it.... you're not his mother) If they don't sort suits, that is there issue not yours.

    This person is obviously a good friend to your hubby and he shouldn't drop an other wise good friend just because you don't get one.

    And you never know, it could be a Love Actually situation and he is secretly madly in love with you.

  • This may sound harsh but I think you're overreacting. Has his friend done something else in the past to upset you because him being awkward and rubbish at communicating isn't that bad in my opinion. Certainly not bad enough to un-invite him from the wedding altogether? Surely him being at the wedding isn't going to ruin your day like you're making out?

    Like others have said, I think you should just leave your H2B to liaise with him and remove yourself from the situation. It's unfair to your H2B to put him in the middle - your H2B has chosen him as a best man so I think you should respect your H2B's friendship, be the bigger person and move on.

  • I think you should just say that by a certain date you need the measurements and then don't say anymore. If he replies then fine, if he doesn't reply then order the suits without this best man and leave him to buy a matching suit (obviously tell him where they are from and the colour). Then if he doesn't organise his own suit he won't be able to be a best man, so win win.

    In regards to having to see him at the wedding, just don't focus on him, don't have photos with him in them and try to persuade your fiancé that he shouldn't do the speech, then you'll hardly notice he's there.

  • wed172Bwed172B Posts: 1,258

    I agree that a few awkward messages chasing for measurements should not be enough for you to not want him at your wedding! I think you are blowing things out of proportion because your wound up with this guy. Get your hubby to chase for the measurements and if best man don' sort it he won' have a suit simple as. I don' think this is worth getting in the middle of their friendship though at all and shouldn' affect your enjoymental of your wedding day

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride
    Elkaye wrote (see post):

    Hi ladies, my fiancé is having two best men. One I really like. He has always been lovely to me and I really enjoy his company. He is genuinely a really nice person however, the other I have never really gelled with despite me trying to make so much of an effort with him. For some reason he has never made much of an effort when I have seen him in person and most recently I have been trying to get his measurements for his hire suit but to no avail! He reads my messages and doesnt Reply. When I chase him for them (giving him plenty of time in between to reply by the way) he is very abrupt and blunt back. Today was the last straw and I had to tell him that I’m finding it really difficult to communicate with him and I don’t know why. Again, all I got was a short reply and he didn’t deny things being awkward! 

    So the problem I have now is that if someone makes me feel bad, why would I want them at my wedding. My fiancé hasn’t taken this on board and is trying to make it all about him saying it’s awkward for him and he is in the middle and how does he think I feel. I get that and he has a right to say he wants his best man at the wedding but I also feel, as my future husband he should be saying to his mate ‘look what’s the issue, you’re making my fiancé unhappy and I don’t want that, so much so she has now said she doesn’t want you at the wedding. Why are you making her feel this way’ BUT she doesn’t. I’m so frustrated that he can’t see what he is doing to me and short of saying his best man is not welcome at my wedding I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to not look forward to my day because his friend will be there when it should be the happiest day of my life. 

    Has anyone else had anything similar or perhaps think they could give me some advice please?

    thanks x

    I'm sorry ur frustrated, but I don't think this guy is 'making' u feel any way, ur doing it to urself.  It really doesn't sound like he's doing anything 2 deliberately antaganise u or piss u off, he's just not that good of a friend with you in the first place and he's not treating ur wedding with the importance and sense of urgency you want him to.

    If ur H2B is happy, then i honestly think u need to suck it up, plaster a smile on ur face and stop stressing about it - it is his day too.  And if your not thinking about this guy so much it will become much less of a big deal.   Don't let it spoil ur releationshoip or ur big day, he's just one person.

  • Mrs2018Mrs2018 Posts: 398

    Have you considered that he doesn't know his measurements or know how to take them but due to the obvious awkwardness between the 2 of you he isn' confident to say That? Perhaps get your h2b to suggest they all get together and get measured up. That way you get your measurements and the issue between the 2 of you is removed. I doubt he even realises he is irritating you, most men are oblivious to these sorts of things and tbh have no hurry in them! 

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Your h2b is quite capable of sorting suits. I know men can be useless, but he managed to survive before he met you, he’ll manage to sort some outfits for his wedding.

    relax, delegate and trust him, even if it’s just with this one job.

    The best man is his decision, there’s nothing you can do to change that, it would be unfair to try, and you do seem to be making this into a much bigger issue than it really is.

  • Lucy266Lucy266 Posts: 176
    Sadieee wrote (see post):

    I also say tell your h2b to sort the suits and leave it to them. My h2b is also bad at getting anything done but gets on with once he realises I won't.

     

    This cannot be said strongly enough!! All brides need to remember this.

    (Separate to the issue of liking the best man which I think you just need to put aside out of love for your H2B) Your H2B might be disorganised and 'hopeless' but he presumably manages to get out of bed and get himself to work every day and do his job. Even very disorganised people scrape by, the majority of the time. Don't try and micro manage everything it's not good for your sanity or the marriage. 

  • MrsGtoBMrsGtoB Posts: 712 New bride

    Maybe he just thinks it's strange you are messaging him and not your H2B.  I agree with the others take a step back and let them organise themselves.

  • Mrs-17Mrs-17 Posts: 89 New bride

    You may be his future wife but trying to choose his friends for him will lead to resentment. He's obviously close to this guy, and has reasons for choosing him to be his best man. This guy might just be a typical bloke who's not great at communicating (especially with women?), which doesn't really warrant an apology. I think you're overreacting and you won't even notice him on the day.

    It's only as awkward as you make it, but I do think you are  being unfair on your future husband even bothering him with this. I think you should take a step back here, stop contacting the best man and allow your H2B to sort out the suits himself. Perhaps it won't be done by the end of the week, but it will get done. He is a grown up.

  • MrsTwizbe wrote (see post):

    Agreeing with all previous posts. Keep out of it. Tell you h2b to sort out the suits (and trust him to do it.... you're not his mother) If they don't sort suits, that is there issue not yours.

    This person is obviously a good friend to your hubby and he shouldn't drop an other wise good friend just because you don't get one.

    And you never know, it could be a Love Actually situation and he is secretly madly in love with you.

    Yes but how awful would it be if on the day the suits arrive and they look awful?! I’d be distraught!! Is he being s good friend though by disrespecting his friends future wife?! If he was a good friend surely he should suck it up and apologise just like people are saying I should suck it up?!

    Like the Love Actually comment! I hadn’t thought of that lol! 

  • Mrs-17 wrote (see post):

    You may be his future wife but trying to choose his friends for him will lead to resentment. He's obviously close to this guy, and has reasons for choosing him to be his best man. This guy might just be a typical bloke who's not great at communicating (especially with women?), which doesn't really warrant an apology. I think you're overreacting and you won't even notice him on the day.

    It's only as awkward as you make it, but I do think you are  being unfair on your future husband even bothering him with this. I think you should take a step back here, stop contacting the best man and allow your H2B to sort out the suits himself. Perhaps it won't be done by the end of the week, but it will get done. He is a grown up.

    You don’t know my fiance lol! 

    how awful would it be if on the day the suits arrive and they look awful?! I’d be distraught!! 

     

  • Mrs_Badger wrote (see post):

    You husband to be should really be sorting out the suits and his groomsmen.... Leave it to him.

    If he doesn't turn up, then it's his problem... He won't have a suit.

    You might be aggrevating things if you keep messaging knowing there are problems.

    Yes but how awful would it be if on the day the suits arrive and they look awful?! I’d be distraught!! 

     I’ve literally only sent him around three messages about a month apart!

  • Mrs2018 wrote (see post):

    Have you considered that he doesn't know his measurements or know how to take them but due to the obvious awkwardness between the 2 of you he isn' confident to say That? Perhaps get your h2b to suggest they all get together and get measured up. That way you get your measurements and the issue between the 2 of you is removed. I doubt he even realises he is irritating you, most men are oblivious to these sorts of things and tbh have no hurry in them! 

    All he has to do is go into the shop and they take the measurements for him 

  • It’s not the fact he’s not communicating Enough It’s how he talks to me when he does. i won’t have someone making me feel bad on my wedding day. For some reason he doesn’t like me no matter how nice I have been to him. 

    There have been other things that he’s done that I haven’t listed on here.

  • Elkaye wrote (see post):

    It’s not the fact he’s not communicating Enough It’s how he talks to me when he does. i won’t have someone making me feel bad on my wedding day. For some reason he doesn’t like me no matter how nice I have been to him. 

    There have been other things that he’s done that I haven’t listed on here.

    Hmm tbh it's hard to say without knowing what exactly is wrong between you and the best man. As he makes you so uncomfortable, can you put steps in place to avoid him on the day? E.g. no photos together, him not on the top table etc? I think it's best you just ignore him as much as possible and not let it get to you.

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

    Its just clothes and they're all grown ups capable of sorting themselves out.  It will be ok.

    He can only make u feel bad if u let him.  Your making this a much bigger deal than it needs 2 be by focussing on it so much.  Try 2 let it go x

  • Mrs2018Mrs2018 Posts: 398
    Elkaye wrote (see post):
    Mrs2018 wrote (see post):

    Have you considered that he doesn't know his measurements or know how to take them but due to the obvious awkwardness between the 2 of you he isn' confident to say That? Perhaps get your h2b to suggest they all get together and get measured up. That way you get your measurements and the issue between the 2 of you is removed. I doubt he even realises he is irritating you, most men are oblivious to these sorts of things and tbh have no hurry in them! 

    All he has to do is go into the shop and they take the measurements for him 

    Fair enough I had to get a family friend to measure my h2b bestman because he was clueless what size he needed in anything. He isn't a suits kind of guy and the last wedding we all attended my h2b have him an old shirt that's to big now as he didn't own one!

  • MrsMc2b2017MrsMc2b2017 Posts: 319

    If you get on with the other best man why don't you approach him and ask him to sort the suits with your fiance. 

    I understand that you've got high hopes for your big day, and I don't know how long you have been together or how long you've been planning your wedding BUT it really doesn't bode well for your relationship or marriage if 1, you can't trust your husband to make decisions on his own and 2, you pressure him into ultimatums such as you or his friend. 

    Your wedding will be a whirlwind and you probably won't even speak to the best man much...but if your husband to be values this man's friendship enough to ask him to be his best man, you just need to suck it up. I definitely didn't contact my husband's best man for anything, and hubbys dad took him out for his suit. 

    I'm also asumming that you have shown your conversations between the best man and yourself to your fiance. And if he doesn't seem to be that bothered by them then maybe it is just a bit of a wedding freak out. Try to relax. If all else fails. Delegate to your MOH!

  • This isn’t about him not getting the measurements it’s about how badly he has treated me over the years and not getting the measurement is the last straw.

    i feel hurt that no one (not you guys I mean my fiancé and his friend) is thinking about how I feel and how does it make it ok for his mate to treat me with such disrespect ?! Surely any husband to be would want his future wife to be happy and not be made to feel sad?! Is that not important at all?! Not too sure why I have to be the one to ‘suck it up’ when I’ve done nothing wrong and is this guy really a true friend if he is happy to make his best mates fiancé feel so awful and not give a reason why?! 

  • MrsMc2b2017MrsMc2b2017 Posts: 319

    When you say he's treated you badly over the past years what has happened? If it's been building for years then your fiance should see your POV but I think a few examples would help us give you better advice

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    I’m sure that the suits won’t look awful - the shop will make sure they fit when he eventually gets the measurements.

    This doesn’t really sound like it’s about he best man. we All have people in our lives we like and some we don’t, some are our partners friends! 

    Why should you be the one to put it aside? Because it’s you that it’s affecting. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t do or hasn’t done horrible things but you’re the one in turmoil over it, not him. If you hold on to it you will be bitter and resentful, and it sounds like you’re there already expecting your partner to have done more to stand up for you. 

    Should he have? Possibly! But, a decision by you needs to be made if it is something that is enough to cause major drama over, and only you know that. 

     

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

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  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride
    Elkaye wrote (see post):

    This isn’t about him not getting the measurements it’s about how badly he has treated me over the years and not getting the measurement is the last straw.

    i feel hurt that no one (not you guys I mean my fiancé and his friend) is thinking about how I feel and how does it make it ok for his mate to treat me with such disrespect ?! Surely any husband to be would want his future wife to be happy and not be made to feel sad?! Is that not important at all?! Not too sure why I have to be the one to ‘suck it up’ when I’ve done nothing wrong and is this guy really a true friend if he is happy to make his best mates fiancé feel so awful and not give a reason why?! 

    To be fair, I’m not a huge fan of a few of H2Bs friends. I don’t think any of them have female friends so they don’t know how to deal with a woman as a friend rather than a relative/ love interest. I have quite a few male friends so I find it odd, but have accepted they’re just never going to invite me to the pub/ play Xbo/ watch cricket with them.

    When we were at uni, one of H2Bs old friends from uni also told me that I mean nothing to H2B and he would dump me in seconds if they told me to. Well now we’re getting married and he isn’t invited soooooo 💁🏻‍♀️

    Unless he is actively doing something out of order I‘m not sure tgeres much you can do. People don’t always get on, and that’s okay. 

    Without knowing what he’s done that is disrespectful and to make you feel awful, it’s hard to advise, unfortunately.

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
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  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    What are you hoping for? Would you like your fiancé to sack him as best man and not be his friend anymore?

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