Marrying a divorcee

Hi all, I just wanted to ask out of interest and after my own experience really,  if anyone who has never married is getting married to a divorcee and how you feel about it?   My h2b divorced after his ex had an affair. We met about a year later. If I'm honest I've occasionally struggled with it,  knowing that he has stood up in church before and promised himself to someone else for life (although the divorce was not his fault, he tried to save the marriage and I realise in nearly anyone's eyes the divorce was justified). Thinking that ours will be his second honeymoon is a bit weird as well. I can't help but think maybe it's not as special for him? Hope nobody makes reference to it on our wedding day it being his second time around!  h2b knows I've had these feelings and we have talked about it but obviously you can't change the past and I wouldn't want to as it has probably made him into the wonderful person he is... I still have weird feelings of jealousy sometimes over his previous relationship though. It's hard not to compare. Conversely have any divorcees married a never married person?  Do you find yourself comparing to your previous wedding/marriage? 😐

Posts

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,122 New bride

    I'm a divorcee. I got married very young and I thought he was the love of my life, although looking back it was a very controlling and unhealthy relationship. 

    It's only natural that I'd compare wedding planning now with what I did before .There are moments I want to tell my future husband not to worry about place names or flowers because it doesn't matter and I know that from experience. 

    I'm sure your future husband compares what you're going through now to what he did in the past.

    I'm also sure that your future husband thanks his lucky stars that he's marrying a lovely person like you that will show him what a happy marriage actually is.

    Please believe me, when you've been cheated on and gone through the pain of divorce it makes you cherish your new relationship even more 

  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride

    Pretty much could have written what Rach said! I was 19 first time and will be 31 2nd time.

    i really cherish everything that is right about us and saying the vows that I have Chosen to say to him Is completely different even if they are the same words. 

    I compare and contrast but always with my future in mind, never wistfully looking back. 

  • MrsNH17MrsNH17 Posts: 643 New bride

    My husband was divorced and has kids with his ex. He didn’t really involve himself in planning his first wedding as his ex wife and her family were quite traditional and so it was very much bride decided. He told me he does remember thinking on the day of his first wedding that he didn’t want to get married (although I would say this, but I can never get my head round them being together, they so don’t seem suited at all)! But he was very involved in planning our wedding and chose our band etc for example, and he really liked being so involved and we had a whale of a time - the only odd comparison he made was how he felt like our wedding was so much more fun and so much more about us and how much more involved he was. It was a real party vibe and it was just so fun and us - something people continually said. 

    I didn’t feel weird or jealous as like I say, it blows my mind they were ever together as I just don’t think they were suited at all and in his case he was the one who chose to end the marriage. There was a good 14 year gap between his weddings too as he was much younger at his first (and again I used to giggle and say he was a baby bride) and we had been together 5 years and lived together for 4 by then so that helps. Nobody made any sort of reference to it - everyone knows he’s been married before of course and his daughters were my bridesmaids, but the day was very clearly about us, our life and our new family so previous weddings werent even a factor! Whilst you might feel a bit sad it’s not his first time getting married it won’t make it any less special for him as this wedding is about you guys. 

  • mrsdivinemrsdivine Posts: 161 New bride

    My h2b has been married before (29yrs ago) at the age of 20. The  marriage only lasted a couple of years. I have never married. In the first month of wedding planning it did play on my mind and I had to bite my tongue quite often (which really took me by surprise, firstly because I am not a jealous person at all and secondly because at 47 I'm too old to be petulant!). Now I rarely think of it and it doesn't bother me at all. However we went to give notice just before Christmas and the registrar called me by his ex wifes name THREE times! The first time she said it I saw my h2b visibly flinch. By the third time he looked furious. She was mortified and so apologetic. When we left he was very quiet and I knew it was because he presumed it had upset me. He looked so relieved when I laughed my socks off.

  • I’m a divorcee, I should of never married my first husband, I was so desperately unhappy but thought getting married was the answer. we spent well over budget on the wedding, got into debt and I’m still paying that off now, 5 years later :( 

    when J proposed I was quite happy to go elope or do a registry office or whatever. J wanted (still does) the big white wedding. I’ve probably found my self very selfishly saying why, I’ve already done this..... it’s not that marrying J isn’t more important, for me it’s that the marriage and life after means more this time. 

    im getting on board with the wedding now, I still dislike elements of it - all the £££ especially as I’m insistant on giving him the Wedding he wants, without getting into debt  and Still trying to live haha 

    bottom line is - do I compare - yes I do, is it positive, probably not. Does it bother J, probably a lot. None of that changes how much I love him though and how much I’m looking forward to marrying him and spending the rest of my life with him :) 

  • Hullass1972Hullass1972 Posts: 606 New bride

    I can see things from the other side. When I married my hubby in 2015, it was my 3rd marriage and 4th long term relationship. I was first married at 20, after being with him from the age of 15. We simply grew apart and divorced when I was 25 but I was so desperate not to be alone I married again at 26. We were separated by the time I was 31 and I hadn't learnt by my mistakes and lived with a lovely man for the next 6 years, but he really wasn't what I needed as he let me walk all over him. I needed someone who actually had the balls to ask me what the hell was I playing at and say no to me. This came in the form of my best friend who had been with me through all the ups and downs and knew me warts and all. He was the polar opposite of me and had never been in a relationship. His life was beer, pool, football and rugby league (the reason we knew each other in the first place). He had no time for a relationship and hated the thought of having to think of another human being's feelings/needs. However, when I confided in him that I was so unhappy and needed to get out, he realised his feelings for me and we embarked on a tentative 90 mile distance relationship. I did something I'd never done and that was live alone (with my 2 boys) but I was still so demanding with Matt's time. Eventually he couldn't cope anymore and we had a 6 week break up where I finally saw what a complete bitch I was and did what I should've done years ago and that's go for counselling. It made me totally evaluate my life and recognise that being alone isn't the worst thing in the world. Looking back I can see what a complete nightmare I was, and it's a miracle I found anyone to love me at all. I'm now 45, happier and more settled in life than I have ever been. Age is probably a big thing too as I've mellowed so much and know now what's really important and what isn't. I guess what I am trying to say...in a really long way lol...is that life throws some pretty shitty curve balls along the way but it's the here and now that truly matters. We all have pasts, and whether you've been married or not, there will always have been someone before for both of you. Whilst Matt has never been in a proper relationship, he'd had his fair share of acquaintances...a lot I knew personally through rugby...but I'm the one he settled with the same as he's the one that I finally got my shit together with. That's all that matters.

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    I think you need to make a very conscious decision to stop these jealousy thoughts / comparing yourself.

    Unfortunately, the fact that he was married before is never going to go away and you have no control over that.

    You do however, have control over your thoughts and actions. This is a brand new marriage and a brand new relationship. He has picked you, and even better he is marrying you after quite a horrible experience with marriage (it will have taken a lot for him to feel ok with getting married again)

    One good tip on how to control these thoughts is to set the boundaries for them. If you find yourself feeling jealous, say to yourself, I will let myself feel like this for 10 seconds, count to ten, then consciously stop yourself.

    It is also important that you don't put any of these feelings onto your husband, Your feelings are not his fault.

  • I'm twice divorced and my OH is once.

    I can honestly say I really don't think much at all about what they had, and especially not what kind of wedding or honeymoon they had or anything like that. I'm not sure why I'd care? They were a very different (and toxic) couple and we aren't. They had her wealthy parents always paying for things including the wedding and we are "self-made" and have the money to pay for our own things. The only time I really think about her is when we're having problems with her, in which case we are forced to discuss her, which is totally fine.  I've met her on several occasions, no big deal. She's moved on and remarried as well. They seem happy, which is great.

    As far as being concerned that "knowing that he has stood up in church before and promised himself to someone else for life", all I can say is that you shouldn't have dated a divorced person if this was an issue for you. Divorce happens - to almost half of us, unfortunately.  No matter how much in love you are or how strong you think a marriage is, it can & does happen.  Most of us learn from it, and become better partners the next go 'round.  Those that don't learn from it are easy enough to identify in the dating process.  

  • Mila-rose3Mila-rose3 Posts: 264 New bride

    Also marrying a divorcee. I just know there is going to be comments such as 'new and improved' but i just let it go over my head. If i spent, days, hours, minutes going over their relationship it would drive me crazy. i also have their wedding album in my wardrobe 🙈Fortunately it didnt work for them and now he is with me. Unfortunately 99.9% of people have had a past relationship, its just something you have to put up x

  • I'm also a divorcee after my ex husband had an affair and it sounds like a very similar situation to your H2B's. My wedding this time around is more special to me I can't explain it and I couldn't be more sure of marrying my H2B. The past is the past and he accepts that I have been there before but he also knows he's the one for me now.

    If you have issues you need to talk to him or you may end up resenting him/the situation in the future.

    He has never been married to you so that's new, he's never been on honeymoon with you so although he's had this before this time it's with you and that's what matters!

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