Partner’s depression

I’m at the point now whereby I’m feeling really down about OH and I. We’ve been together almost 7 years and our relationship is great - we love one and respect one another deeply. We’re always talking about the future, weddings, children etc. We are lovers, best friends and business partners.


We’ve had a rough few years with money and extraneous variables (I have OCD which was dreadful before it was diagnosed, now it is manageable). Things haven’t been great with his health for a while now though either. Both of us have always been a lover of afternoon naps and admittedly this could last up to 3 hours.


The past year or so, OH has been sleeping so much more than usual. He’s been less patient and getting irritated over the small stuff. We stopped having sex very often, he’d wake in the night to soaking covers from night sweats. He keeps complaining of headaches and feeling exhausted. I thought maybe he might have depression so asked him to go to the doctors. He did.


Doctors have done blood tests and and what not, looks like everything is fine. They concluded that he has depression. Bless him, he is trying his hardest to get well again but he can’t catch a break. They’ve had him on about 5 different medications but they either don’t work or he has an allergic reaction to them. He goes to a support group for mental health every other week and seems to enjoy this.


The thing is, we run a business together and because he can’t seem to stop sleeping, I feel like I’m the only one doing any work and it’s so fricken hard. I feel like his lack of motivation drags me down when I have some. He tells me that it’s not that he doesn’t want to get out of bed but that he physically can’t. On occasions whereby i’m trying to wake him up, I can see physically that he just struggles to open his eyes. He tells me to let him sleep for 20 minutes but it can easily turn into 5 hours, he just doesn’t wake up. At the moment, he is sleeping up to 14-16 hours per day.


Our business has been a thing for over a year now and our accounts were due in December. It’s almost April now and they still haven’t been finished - he is working on it whenever he is awake. I’d help him if I could but it’s just not where my knowledge lies (and I have my own roles in the business - taking care of everything else). We’ve got HMRC on our backs and are looking at a proabable fine - they know the situation and have been respectful but it’s going too far now. I’m worried about my business getting in trouble! As I speak, he said he wanted 30 minutes sleep at 2:00pm today, it’s now 6:30pm and he is still sleeping.


I should add that he also has a full time job (well paid, 4 days per week) so I get that he is tired after his 12 hour shifts but he wanted to be part of the business and take care of the admin/accounting side of things.


I know it’s not his fault but I‘m struggling to maintain patience. I love him deeply and know we can get through this. We’ve slowly been improving our sex life - last year we easily went months without any but so far this year we’ve managed at least once per month which is a good improvement. The only thing is that h has been really struggling to climax which he never used to. I know the pills he is on can affect his libido though as I am on similar ones and I can definitely feel a reduction in mine.


We remain super affectionate with one another though and continue to kiss and cuddle every day. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and get rid of whatever cloud seems to be hanging over him ev


  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,122 New bride

    Stacey I really really feel your pain. My ex husband suffered with depression and various points throughout our 10 year relationship. 

    Have you spoken to him about the sleeping? Is he managing to sleep at night if he's napping so much.

    I think he would benefit from setting a strict sleep pattern without napping in the day. You shouldnt encourage him by also taking a nap. 

    Could you find an exercise you both enjoy, playing tennis or running etc and start doing that together? It might make you both feel more energised which could also help your sex life?

    I would also encourage him to discuss medication with his doctor as it doesn't sound as though it's working well .

    Finally, please please employ the services of an accountant. I work as a debt advisor and for the cost of the fine you will incur you could have filed your accounts on time and not for into this problem. He has .full time job and you're not able to do the accounts so employ someone who can.   

  • Julia101Julia101 Posts: 162 New bride

    I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be incredibly difficult. Has he spoken to his doctor about how much he is sleeping?  Have they done any tests to look into this e.g. for sleep apnoea?  Just a thought. Hope things improve. 

  • Thank you very much for your advice!


    Thankfully he has not tried to bury his head in the sand and has been quite good with communicating with his doctor. He‘s back and forward to the doctor every week due to side effects of the medication. He has always loved his naps (we both do!) but this is a whole other level - the poor bloke literally can’t wake up and this has gotten so much worse since starting anti-depressants, hence why they keep chopping and changing them for him.


    His sleep at night isn’t great either to be honest - he works 2 days and then 2 nights and then off for 4. I think this work pattern has messed his sleeping schedule up because I think he finds it hard to adjust. He sleeps for a few hours each night and then gets back up to work and then back to sleep again. I’ve tried persuading him to come to bed all night and then wake up to a fresh day the day after but he just ends up getting up for 9 but then can easily be back in bed at 12 until 6pm again.


    He is currently going through a few tests to rule things out by exclusion but it’s taking time. He has a blood test that said his liver has an unusual reading which is odd because he isn’t much of a drinker) so we are waiting for further testing for that to see if that is contributing to his constant fatigue.


    He also has a hernia in his groin which he has been to A&E for because they were concerned due to the level of pain he was in (he could barely walk) that maybe it was strangulated but no it wasn’t so his surgery will be put on the bank burner as he is on the waiting list. Because of this, he has been advised to not take up any new activities to prevent straining it - shame really because we both wanted to sign up to our local tennis centre.


    We do have an accountant but he insisted that he wanted to do everything himself and then just get the accountant to ’look it over and sign it off’. Thankfully, he seems to be coming to the end of it now but we’ve definitely learnt our lesson this year.


    Thanks again for your replies. I just needed somewhere to sound off to.

  • I don’t have any advice Stacey144 but I hope you can both find a solution to all this, it must be so hard for you x

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,122 New bride

    You poor thing, it sounds like you both have so much on your plate. From your second post about his health I would definitely be pushing for the doctors to do more tests. Could it be something like ME? A friene of mine suffered from it and her symptoms are similar to what you describe. I hope you're alright xx 

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