Got a flakey bridesmaid, had a fight - not sure I want her at the wedding

Hi,

 

Think the rest of the explanation got cut off, It sounds like a bit of a nightmare and perhaps difference in lifestyles. - Hope it all works out.

 

Please post the rest xx

Posts

  • I do think you need to put your needs first.

    Of course It is so important to be there for your friend and if you really want to keep her as a friend then you need to try your best to put the past behind you and move forward and support her through her hard times as you hope a friend would do for you.

    Perhaps she needs to be demoted to guest to allow her to relax and enjoy without the added stress of being a bridesmaid?

    I totally get where you are coming from it is inconsiderate and inconvenient the way she has behaved. But if she REALLY does have mental health issues and she is a really true friend then it is important that you stick with her and don't leave her in her time of need.

    Your wedding is important but so are life long friendships.

    If you feel your friendship is long over, and that maybe she isn't the friend you thought she was then it is time to let go of her in the least painful way possible.- Don't allow mental health issues or community service etc to be an excuse for her being nasty, inconsiderate or a bad friend.

    I feel for you its so hard and she is obviously having issues. Good luck. x

  • Elz2017Elz2017 Posts: 316

    For me, this one line is the heart of the difficulty "Truth is I do want to be friends with her - just not now."

    Having some mental health issues myself, and recognising particularly the social anxiety thing of over-doing it when meeting new people and then getting totally overwhelmed and drinking too much and misbehaving, I think I know where she's coming from. She's struggling with her health, so struggling to think outside f her health. She feels guilty, she needs to apologise constantly, but she can't help flaking or forgetting things. Oh yeah, been there.

    If you do want to be friends with her, don't ditch her from the wedding entirely - that would probably be friendship over. I know it's a pain in the bum, but have a think about what you really need from her - to put on a dress of your choosing, turn up, and be present at your side - and talk that through with her, with no expectations of anything else. She may admit it's just too much for her and say she'd rather just be a guest. Are there other people she knows coming? That will probably sort any worries about her on the day (though I'll be honest here, I've thrown a crying, storm out at a friends wedding - totally unrelated to the wedding and not sure the bride noticed thank god, she was too busy - as a result of anxiety, it can happen to anyone, not just this girl.)

    Just be aware that mental health isn't a rational, controllable thing in a lot of ways - all you can do is set out ground rules, and she will try and stick with them, but sometimes that just won't be possible. I hope she's getting some professional help. If you want to keep her as a friend, talk her through it, wedding aside. If you don't want to deal with it in the run up to the wedding, remember that she'll have this for her whole life, to varying degrees...

    Sorry if that sounds really sanctimonious but it just chimed really strongly with me. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

  • SarahC2016SarahC2016 Posts: 396 New bride

    I have to agree with Elz above.

    As much as she sounds like she’s being quite hard work I do think a lot of her behaviour is stemming from her poor mental health. I know it’s not your responsibility to fix her, but if you feel you do still want a friendship with her it might be worth trying to mend things a little.

    As has been said before, mental health isn’t always rational so try to keep that in mind (I know it’s not always easy). Would it be worth asking her to give you a call/or meet for a coffee. It’s okay to call out the behaviour that’s affecting you, and specify how you would like things to be for the wedding. Maybe not asking her to do much else on the run up could help?

    Ultimately if you don’t want her to be at the wedding it’s your choice but I sense that you still care for her otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling so torn.

  • Elz2017Elz2017 Posts: 316

    I forgot to say - I'm sorry your planning has been miserable, and that this is making it worse! My post absolutely isn't meant to mean that I don't recognize that you're clearly having a shitty time, and I do hope it gets better!

  • rainbow80rainbow80 Posts: 4

    TBH your friendship is never going to recover from this and I actually don't think you've been that great a friend either. If you don't want to be friends with her fine but I get the impression you don't want her to come to the wedding because you are embarrassed by her more then anything else but afterwards it will be fine to be friends? It's your wedding you can do what you like, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to be bothered about it they aren't marrying you! If her mental health is really poor you could've cut her some slack.

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I'm confused. if she's that flakey then why did you ask her to be a BM? I also think you need to cut her some slack as it's your wedding not hers, and she won't be interested in every tiny detail, for example not checking the wedding website straight away, I don't get why that is such a big deal to you?

    She clearly has her own issues and I think you've been quite harsh on her, sorry. Not really sure why you've told her she cant go to your hen do either, she's apologised for what happened, not really sure what else she can do. 

    Totally agree with what rainbow has said above also.

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