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Money

I've name changed for this, as I'm upset and need some perspective, and don't want to risk family or friends seeing. 

H2B and I have a joint account that we each pay a % of our wages into each month and a joint saving account that we each pay a set amount in to per month for the wedding. We both work full time, I earn £50k and he earns £35k. We have a joint mortgage, no kids. We both have student loans but no other big debts.

I got paid today so went on to the internet banking app to transfer my wedding savings in. I saw that there were 2x £100 transfers on Saturday. I didn't remember us making any payments out so text H2B to see if he knew what it was. 

He called me straight away, turns out "he was going to tell me about it" but basically he's got 3/4s of the way through the month and has no money left. He decided to "borrow" from the wedding pot with a view to putting it back after payday. 

I was with him all day Sunday and he's not mentioned this once. We were both very clear that the wedding fund is only for wedding related items, or so I thought. I'm at work so didn't want to talk about it now but he's been texting me since our call to say he's never been in this position before, he's terrified, he's ashamed, feels like he is letting me down and that he is weak. 

I don't care that he's ran out of money. He's had to lend me money in the past. I'm just so angry and disappointed that he's not spoken to me about this, and that he's tried to be sneaky using the wedding pot. I'm assuming he's used up all of his savings. I know it is only £200 so in the grand scheme of things a fairly low amount, but it is the deceit that I am struggling to deal with. 

We're due to talk about it tonight but I just feel so incredibly hurt. I thought we were both quite open about finances but it seems not. 

I've told him I want full disclosure of his financial situation. I'm terrified he's ran up credit card debt or loans and not told me. I've printed off all my bank statements and our joint account statements too, so we can be completely clear. I guess it will become clear tonight. 

I feel like that financial position can be fixed easily. I feel heartbroken that he's broken my trust though.

I'm not sure that I'm asking for advice, just a vent and a bit of a handhold. 

Posts

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    Poor you. As you say, sometimes it's not the actual act but the deceit (or perceived deceit) surrounding it. Deep breaths and try not to sensationalise it - I know that's something I'm prone to and one little white lie my brain goes in to overdrive. Not helpful at all so perhaps try to keep yourself busy and calm for the afternoon and not imagine how the conversation might go or what else *might* have happened!

    Talking tonight is the best first step. Try and calm yourself down this afternoon. Remind yourself, and him, that as long as you're honest there's nothing you can't deal with as long as you're both on the same page. Tell him you want to deal with whatever has gone on as a team, not you vs him.

    It could be that what you agreed to pay in the first place seemed doable for him but that it turns out some months it's been a little too much? Is he not very good with money/spending in general? I know some months it gets a week before pay day and I'm like whoops... I don't know what I used to spend the wedding savings money on before but I guess without massively adjusting your spending habits to account for a big chunk in to savings each month, it's easy to fall short.

    Try to go in to this not angry and reassuring him you're not there to judge him but you want to make sure he feels comfortable enough to be open and honest with you about things like this in future. There is a good chance he really *was* embarrassed and thought you wouldn't notice.... doesn't mean he dealt with it correctly but I think there's a good chance this is a one off and he's overspent and felt bad telling you about it. I think some men struggle not being the bigger earner in relationships, I've a few friends who have found it's caused issues at varying points in a relationship and I can imagine wedding planning might be one of them. I know a lot of men who would have no issue lending money to their gf/wife, but would find it difficult to ask them to borrow if the situation was reserved. Male ego can be a funny thing.

    At least if this is the first time it has happened, you can hopefully nip it in the bud. Perhaps it's a good idea to look again at what you're spending, what you realistically can afford to save and if he's struggling with budgeting then perhaps either look at areas you could save on the wedding or on his monthly expenses and help him work out a budget he's more able to stick to. If he doesn't feel that comfortable talking to you about the ins/outs of his finances (for the same pride issues as above), is there a friend or relative he would speak to who might be able to encourage him in getting his spending habits in better shape? Just reassure him that the money itself isn't the issue here but the honesty/openness is. I'm sure you'll come through this. Lots of love! x

     

  • MrsS85MrsS85 Posts: 688 New bride

    Try and stay calm until you hear what he has to say tonight, it sounds as though he is very remorseful for what he has done. I think its a great idea printing off all your statements and discussing everything. hopefully its just a one off, he just needs to realise its the fact he didn't ask you has upset you the most.

     

    Hope  you work things out.

     

  • Thank you. I hope it is the first time it has happened but I'll ask him tonight. 

    Neither of us have ever been amazing with money, but after we got engaged I did a big budget check on our joint finances and thought we were doing okay. We have separate money for personal expenses like individual phone contracts, car expenses, going out. He has a very expensive hobby which I expect he's got no intention of cutting back on.

    I obviously want to help him and work through this, I love him dearly but honestly right now I am struggling to like him very much! 

    I've also made a list of things I want to discuss, the practical side first of where we are and what we are going to do, and then the more emotional side.  

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    Perhaps talk about what happened at the weekend this evening and then work out what you need to do going forwards and say right, tomorrow we'll go through expenses, another evening we can dedicate to adjusting standing orders, another evening let's write up a new budget etc. I think if he's feeling a bit embarassed/weak as you said, breaking it in to small manageable chunks that he can have active involvement in would be more effective than "telling him off" so to speak, or setting down new rules he needs to follow.... him feeling in control will really help his own management of things going forward. This is just from my experience anyway - trying to tackle the emotional and practical side of a big, important topic in one evening has never really worked for me as it can be overwhelming but setting smaller goals / times to discuss particular things has helped us when we've come up against issues.

  • Thanks. I'm just so incredibly pissed off and hurt right now. I feel like a muppet- I thought we were both on the same page, and I thought we'd always been honest with each other. 

    I think the practical thing might have to wait on reflection because right now I'm not sure my suggestions are going to be particularly helpful!

  • I have been in a very similar situation. For me, I don't feel ashamed if I have to say could I borrow money out of the fund or could my H2b lend me some money.

    However, my partner would find this shameful and embarrassing and he would probably have done the exact same thing. No malice intended at all but just hoping he can pop it back in without any issue.

    Which to me, is wrong. Simply be honest - that's the part which hurts.

    I know its hurtful and confusing as I said I have been there, but just bare in mind that he was probably embaressed to be in the financial position, particularly as your salaray is significantly higher than his - some men are proud and this may have hurt his pride having to do this.

    Stay calm, allow him to explain his reasons for not telling you then you can explain to him how it made you feel. Easier said than done I know... but you Love him and it can be worked through.

     

    Good luck :) x

  • Thanks- he's never had any issue about my salary before and is only ever encouraging. 

    I don't think pride excuses deceit. 

    I'll update later once I've spoken with him.

  • MrsRendall2BMrsRendall2B Posts: 749 New bride

    You're right, the pride doesn't excuse the deceit but it explains it. Myself and H2B have been in similar situations - he's more than happy to throw money in my direction when he's financially comfortable but I see and feel the visible anguish and embarrassment he harbours on the rare occasion he needs to borrow money from me - it's a male pride thing and as silly as that seems to us women, it's just 'one of those things' you have to live with. 

    He probably thought he could just pop it back in once payday comes around and you'd be none the wiser. I'd just calmly explain to him that it's not him borrowing the money you take issue with but more the fact that he didn't feel comfortable enough to share his situation with you. Make it clear that going forward, if a marriage is going to work, there needs to be full disclosure with finances and that we all have months where sometimes things just don't go to plan financially.

    As annoying and hurtful as it is that he's done this, if it's a one time thing, I wouldn't come down too harsh on him. You just risk fuelling his feelings of embarrassment and weakness if you take that route and things will just go downhill from there because he'll feel even more reluctant to tell you if the situation arose in future.

    Have the emotional conversation tonight and save the more practical side of things for when you're both in a better headspace. 

    Good luck and hope you manage to sort things out xx

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride

    I don't think he was being deceitful, maybe he just didn't think it was a big issue. I wouldn't find it that odd if my OH did this tbh as long as he could comfortably put it back within a week or two. I'm not a fan of joint bank accounts though and as such we don't have one.

    What I would find odd is running out of money partway through the month when you are both on fairly high salaries and (I'm assuming) have no kids and you say you have no debts to service. It may be that he just wanted to make a one off big purchase or something, but I've seen lots of posts like this on another forum I'm on and sometimes the reasons turn out to involve a secret addiction (gambling/alcohol/drugs/sex).

    It will probably have a fairly simple explanation but do be on guard.

  • Coming from someone who is terrible with money I can almost guarantee that he wasn't being deceitful, feeling ashamed that he messed up with money yes, embarrassed also yes but being deceitful deffo not.

    I'm also the main earner in my relationship on 46k and him on 26k so I'm paying for our wedding as his outgoings can't justify the extra cash, although he does pay for 50% of mortgage, food shopping and household bills plus little gifts here and there for me. Anywho, I actually give him the wedding savings to put into his savings account because quite frankly I can't be trusted to look after it myself without dipping into it. Anytime either of us need to use some of the money, either as an emergency or for it's intended use we discuss it together. As long as the use is perfectly reasonable and we can afford it/realistically replace it then there is no reason to say no to the request. Maybe you can suggest with your partner a similar plan but with you being the holder of the savings? 

  • Thanks all. We've had a long chat about it. He's not ran up any credit card or loans, or maxed an overdraft, which is a relief.

    He's had a bit of an expensive month, and he got a car on lease a year ago, which he's regretting now with wedding savings. Definitely no addictions! 

    He's paying the £200 back on payday but not putting in his monthly saving contribution, and I'm paying a little more into the joint account to cover things, to try and reset his finances this month. We're going to sit down and look at finances at the end of the month too. 

    He understands why I'm upset. He thanked me for being so understanding. He said he didn't tell me because he thought he had let me down. In the grand scheme of things the financial situation isn't terrible, we can fiX it, and moving forward he's agreed to be completely open with me.

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    That’s probably the best outcome you could have hoped for! Hopefully the emotions over this one small event will be enough to ensure that he now takes better control over his finances as well as realises how important it is to you that you’re open with each other, regardless of whether youre worried about letting someone down etc. I’m sure in hindsight youll be glad this happened and you can move forward better together! 

  • Yes I think it's the best outcome too.

    Hopefully it's opened his eyes a bit. 

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